


Faithfully

by seaavery1



Series: Dean in Therapy [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Adorable Dean Winchester, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Disorder, Canon-Typical Violence, Dean Has Abandonment Issues, Dean Has a Dog, Dean in therapy, Dean is a Sweetheart, Emotional Hurt, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Mentions of Violence, Nightmares, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Dean Winchester, Romantic Dean Winchester, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Slow Build, Therapy, Trust Issues, Urge to drink, things are getting better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2017-09-19
Packaged: 2018-11-12 17:11:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 101,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11166354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seaavery1/pseuds/seaavery1
Summary: Dean decides that maybe it is time for him to find a partner. Could that person already be in his life?





	1. We've Got Tonight

**Author's Note:**

> If you are just joining this series, it is a good idea to read the first four parts before starting here. :)
> 
> Welcome to part five. I decided to give Dean a love story and I'm sure you have figured it out from the relationship tags who it is with. It will be a slow build. No warnings for this chapter. I hope everyone enjoys and is excited to see where this goes. Thanks as always for reading. The feedback I have received on this series has been amazing. You guys rock! <3

It had been six months since Beth moved in. Six months since Lola had found her way into his heart. Six months since his family had grown. They had all settled into a routine of sorts. They would go on hunts together or sometimes split up. Someone staying behind to watch Lola. Those trips were hard for Dean if he didn’t stay behind. He would call every chance he got. Surely driving whoever had dog sitting duty crazy. Of course when Lola came on the hunts it also caused some anxiety. He would mainly leave her back at the motel, praying that she wouldn’t bark and cause the motel to investigate. He just couldn’t bring himself to take her on the actual hunts yet or ever. But she was good when they were talking to witnesses. She would comfort the distressed, put them at ease. She served as a therapist in a way. A comfort to those who lost so much. There were only a couple of times that people startled when they saw her. Some of them would relax and end up loving her, but others would tell Dean he should get that dangerous dog away from them. He would instantly distrust these people. 

 

They had also been spending some time training her. Beth had found some information about something called clicker training. Dean ordered a training packet, treats and a clicker. Lola took to it right away. She would wiggle with excitement every time he would tell her it was time for training. She already knew sit, lay down and stay, but a few weeks into training she had already learned shake, high five, close the door and to bring her leash to Dean. She really was the best dog in the whole world. 

 

It was actually rather great to have Beth around as well. As it turned out, she was a very skilled pool player and it didn’t hurt having a woman to hustle pool with. They made out like bandits in almost every town they went to. Sam and Beth had settled into their own routine. They still had their teenagers in love moments and Dean would tease them relentlessly about that. But for the most part they were just Sam and Beth. A couple who finished each other's sentences. Read each other's minds without even realizing they were doing it. A couple who could be happy have long conversations or sitting in silence together. He was happy for Sam. He really was. But there was something else he kept feeling. Yeah, maybe it was jealousy. But it felt deeper than that. It felt like there was a piece of him that was missing. Some piece he didn’t even realize he had lost. 

 

They had just got back from a job just outside of Deer Trail, Colorado. Cas had stayed behind this time on dog sitting duty. Dean knew he was secretly thrilled about it. Cas and Lola still had their own little language. He once tried to ask Cas what it was they were doing, but he just looked at Dean and smiled like that would answer his question. He didn’t bring it up again, but still had many questions. Could Cas hear Lola’s thoughts?  

 

Dean was standing in line at a greasy fast food joint just outside of town picking up some grub.. Beth and Sam were waiting for him in the car. “Dean?”

 

He turned around and saw a slender redhead standing behind him. She had a tentative smile and her blue eyes held his for a moment. He staired , counting the freckles that covered her nose. Freckles he had tried to count before. He must have been staring too long, because she glanced away. “You don’t remember me, do you?”

 

He smiled. “Stephanie, right?”

 

Her smile brightened and her eyes looked back at him. “Yeah. Good memory.” 

 

“You too.” He crossed his arms. “So, are you in town on business?” He may have remembered kissing her. May have remembered laughing with her. But he couldn’t quite recall what it was she did. He just prayed he was right about that part.

 

“Yeah.”

 

Good. “You were in-”

 

She smirked. “Pharmaceutical sales.” 

 

“Right.”

 

“Don’t worry. Sometimes I like to forget what I do.” He chuckled.

 

Sam walked in and headed over to Dean. He glanced at Stephanie before looking back at Dean. “Everything all right?”

 

Dean shook his head, glancing over at Sam. “Yeah.” Sam looked back at Stephanie. “Yeah, right. Sam this is Stephanie. Stephanie this is my brother Sam.” 

 

She smiled and held out her hand. “Nice to meet you.” He shook it, eyes on Dean.

 

“So, how do you know my brother?” Sam crossed his arms, a little smirk on his face. 

 

“We...we met-” There was a blush creeping into her cheeks.

 

Dean jumped in. “We met at the pet store a few weeks ago.” Sam looked at Dean and then back at Stephanie. She looked a little lost, but nodded her head.

 

“Do you have a dog too?”

 

“Um...yes, back home.”

 

“Oh.” 

 

“Sammy, don’t you have somewhere you have to-”

 

He laughed. “Right. You know what, I’ll order that foor and you two can...talk.” He smiled at Dean again and he fought the urge to roll his eyes at him. 

 

“Sorry about that.”

 

“It’s okay.” She leaned forward. “Thanks for not saying...I mean I’m not ashamed or anything, but I-”

 

He held his hand up. “Don’t worry about it.”

 

They were silent for a few minutes and Dean tried to figure out what to say. She broke the silence first. “So, do you maybe want to have a drink?”

 

“Um...I-”

 

“Sorry. I’m sorry. You know what, it was nice seeing you and-” She turned to leave, but he gently grabbed her arm. 

 

“How about dinner?”

 

She smiled brightly at him. “Dinner sounds good.” She gave him her number and they agreed to meet at a little chain restaurant in town. She gave him a kiss on the cheek before leaving and he smiled. 

 

Sam clapped a hand on his shoulder. “She seems nice.” 

 

“Shut-up.” Dean pocketed the phone number and headed toward the door, Sam following with their food. 

 

“So, do you like have a date or something?”

 

“Sammy-”

 

“Are you gonna get her some flowers? Maybe hold her hand?”

 

They stopped at the car. “Sammy, I’m warning you.”

 

“Do you think you’ll get to second base.”

 

“One word Sam. Nair.” 

 

Sam glared at him and climbed into the car. A date. He had an actual date. He shook his head and climbed into the car. 

 

* * *

 

Beth decided to help him with his wardrobe selection. Telling him he couldn’t just wear the same old plaid shirt and jeans. “We’re not going to some fancy joint.”

 

“So. Come on, let her know you’re trying.” He rolled his eyes, but decided to listen to her. He put on a pair of his best jeans, which meant no old blood stains, and a dress shirt sans the tie. 

 

“Better?”

 

She gave him a smile. “Much.”

 

He said goodbye and headed toward the door. “Be home by ten!” Sam called out. He turned and gave him the finger. 

 

He arrived ten minutes early and secured them a booth tucked into the corner. It was as private as you could get at a place like this. He sent her a quick text to let her know where he was sitting and waited. Truth was he was kind of nervous. He hadn’t been on too many real dates before. How pathetic was that? Almost thirty-nine and just now entering the dating scene. Okay, he should slow down there. The waiter, a young college-aged man with dark hair and a bored expression, came by and dropped off some water. He gulped down about half of it. 

 

She arrived five minutes late. She was wearing a pair of black jeans that fit like second skin and a low-cut, but loose blouse. He got up and kissed her on the cheek. “Sorry I’m late.”

 

“No worries.” She took a seat and looked at her menu. She really was beautiful and she looked more relaxed since the last time he saw her. Or maybe it was because the whiskey was missing. 

 

They ordered their meals and Stephanie ordered some wine. She had a questioning expression when Dean said he was sticking with water, but she shook it off and they settled into small talk. “So, how is your business? You sell life insurance, right?” Is that what he told her? Jesus, how boring.

 

“Yeah. Business is booming. Everyone needs what I’m selling, so…” God, was it too late to change careers. “And you?”

 

“It’s good.” He let out a little chuckle. 

 

“Where do you live when you’re not out peddling drugs?” He was relieved when she laughed. 

 

“Austin.”

 

“I’ve been there before. Nice town.”

 

“Yeah, I just wish I was there more often.” There food arrived and they tucked into their dinners. Silent for a few minutes. 

 

Stephanie took a drink of her wine. “So, no whiskey tonight?”

 

He let out a nervous chuckle. “I’m trying to lay of the hard stuff.” She gave him a sad smile and he took a drink of water. He could remember tripping on the way back to the car, his arm slung over her shoulder. Maybe this was a bad idea. 

 

“I’m trying not to drink too much either.” She took a bite of her chicken. “Being on the road so much it can be hard not to, but having to fly or drive with a hangover gets old.”

 

He felt his shoulders relax and the tension ease up a bit. “I understand that.” He took a bite of his burger. 

 

“It can be hard though.” She looked down into her wine glass.

 

“One day at a time, right?” He was trying to lighten the mood, but he wasn’t sure how.

 

She shook her head. “You know what, we’re supposed to be having a good time.” She held up her wine glass. “To catching up with old...friends.” He smiled and held his water glass up. 

 

They fell into more small talk. She told him about Austin and how she really wanted to leave her job. He told her all he knew about life insurance sales, which was basically nothing and about his brother and Lola. When he talked about Lola the conversation was better. He could feel his constant smile and he even pulled out his phone to show her pictures. Yes, he was that dog owner. Stephanie didn’t really have a dog. Turned out she was more of a cat person. Dean tried not to hold that against her.

 

They shared a piece of peach cobbler, though Dean ate the majority of it. He insisted on paying for dinner and they walked toward the parking lot. They stood near the door and Stephanie crossed her arms, chewing on her bottom lip. “I...do you wanna come back to my room?” 

 

It had been a long time since he had slept with someone. In fact, now that he thought about it she was the last person he had been with. There was that almost time in Tulsa, but nothing since. But for some reason he didn’t want to. He couldn’t put his finger on why, but it just didn’t appeal to him. She was gorgeous and sweet. It would probably be fun. Maybe even a lot of fun. So, he decided to ignore the fact that everything else in him was saying no and he nodded. She smiled and gave him the motel info in case they got separated when he followed her. 

 

He pulled up next to her in the motel parking lot. This place didn’t seem that bad. He hesitated for a moment before getting out of the car. She stood by the motel room door, smiling. “It’s just sex, Dean.” He smiled and got out of the car. 

 

The room wasn’t that bad. A little run down, but not as musty as the other one had been. She offered him a drink before realizing. She apologized, but he told her not to worry about it. She tossed her purse on a nearby table, took off her shoes and walked towards him. She wrapped her arms around his neck, running her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck. She smiled and pulled him down into a kiss. She still tasted like strawberries with some peach from the cobbler mixed in. She pulled back and started to trail kisses down his chin and to his neck. She reached for the hem of his shirt and he grabbed her wrists. She instantly stopped, took a step back and looked up at him. “I’m sorry.” She cocked her head to the side. “I don’t think I can do this.”

 

She swallowed and took a few steps back. “I didn’t meant to push you or-”

 

“Trust me, it’s not you.” He reached a hand out, but she turned away. “I really am sorry.”

 

“Goodnight, Dean.” He stood for a moment, watching her back. Her shoulders were tense and he had a feeling she was waiting for him to leave before crying. He didn’t want to make her even more uncomfortable, so he finally turned and left. 

 

He tried to understand what happened. It was the second time he’d done that. But this time it was even worse. He didn’t even want to kiss her. She was nice. Sexy. And wanted him. But all he could think about was getting home. Was this was dating was like? He drove home with a shadow of sadness. 

 

* * *

 

When he got to the bunker Sam, Beth and Cas were waiting up for him. He felt like a teenager. At least Lola had been sound asleep. She ran up to him, tail wagging and he knelt down to say hello. The others just stared at him, waiting for some grand report. “Well, I think I’m gonna go to bed.” He headed toward his room, Lola following. He got about five feet before Beth said something.

 

“Hold it.” 

 

He stopped and muttered under his breath, “So close.” He slowly turned around. 

 

Beth smirked. “You really thought you were just gonna stroll on by without giving us the juicy details.” 

 

“There are no juicy details.”

 

She leaned forward a bit. “Come on, not even a goodnight kiss.” He looked down and licked his lips. “I knew it!”

 

Sam chimed in, “So, is there gonna be a second date?” 

 

“Highly doubtful.”

 

It was Cas’ turn to chime in. “Why is that?” 

 

“She’s a traveling salesman or pharmacist.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I don’t know.”

 

“Dean, traveling isn’t usually an issue in our line of work.”

 

“It’s just not gonna work, Sammy.” God, he wanted to run out of there. He couldn’t tell them that he had blown one of the only real dates he’d been on.

 

“Maybe you can call her and you two can-”

 

“No, Sammy. Okay.”

 

“We’ve all been on some bad dates before, right?”

 

Cas shook his head no. “I don’t really date, Sam.” 

 

“Anyway, all you have to do is try again. Maybe you can sign back up with that dating app.” He glared at Sam, and wanted to crawl into a hole. 

 

Beth grinned. “You were on a dating app?”

 

“Yes, but very briefly.”

 

“Well, maybe Sam’s right. You could try that again.”

 

“Why are you guys so interest in my dating life?”

 

Sam smirked. “Dating life?” Dean knew he was just joking, but it hurt for some reason. Cut in a way that he couldn’t quite describe. 

 

He sighed. “Look, I had one bad date. Can we just drop it?”

 

Beth nodded. “Yeah. Of course. Happens to the best of us.” She gave him this look of sympathy with just a tinge of pity and it made him feel worse. Hell, everyone had that same look. 

 

“I’m sorry. I just...I’m just gonna go to bed.” He turned. “‘Night everyone.” He quickly walked away, Lola right by his side. 

 

* * *

 

He was sitting in Laura’s office, still upset from the night before. Beth, Cas and Sam still had that damn pity look on their face that morning and he rushed out of there as fast as he could. He didn’t want to risk hearing them say, “It’ll be better next time, champ.” He took Lola on a walk just outside of town before heading to Laura’s. It was nice to have that moment of quiet. No one looking at him with pity. Only Lola’s smile. 

 

Lola was now a regular at therapy and she even started doing her jig when they would arrive. She was curled up by his feet chewing on a treat Laura had brought her. He had gone beyond caring about her being spoiled. She deserved it. “How have you been?”

 

“Good. Sorry I couldn’t make it last week.”

 

“It’s okay. I told you we don’t have to do weekly if it’s easier.”

 

“Is that a nice way of trying to get rid of me.” He let out a laugh, but the thought of that scared him a little.

 

“Not at all.” He couldn’t help but smile. “What would you like to talk about today?”

 

That had become the new normal for their sessions. Sometimes she would go over what they had talked about before, but usually she let him control it. It made him a little uncomfortable at first, but now he kind of liked it. “I went on a date the other night.”

 

He was glad to see not an ounce of shock on her face. “How was it?”

 

“It was okay.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I kind of...she was someone I had met before.”

 

“So, a co-worker?”

 

He laughed. “No. I...I um...we kind of slept together.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Yeah. She was in town and I happen to run into her and I don’t know.” He rubbed his hands together. “She asked me out for drinks and I asked her to dinner.”

 

“How was the dinner?”

 

“The food was good.”

 

“And the rest?”

 

“It was kind of...I don’t know. It just felt like something was missing. I mean she was super nice and beautiful, but there was nothing there.”

 

“That can happen.”

 

“Yeah.” He looked down at his hands. “I haven’t really been on too many actual dates before.” He looked up, expecting a look of pity, but she just looked at him with interest. “I mean I’ve been with a lot of...not too many, but a lot of women. I usually know what to say. But the normal dating stuff? I just don’t really do that.”

 

“I’m sure traveling around can make it hard.”

 

“Yeah. I once went on a dating app.” He laughed at the memory. “It was silly and all it got me was a very bad almost hook-up.” 

 

“Did you ever date when you were a teenager?”

 

“No. Not really. We were in a different towns so often that there was no time. But there was...there was one girl when I was sixteen.”

 

“Tell me about her.”

 

“Her name was Robin and...I would play guitar with her.” He decided to leave out the boy’s home part. He didn’t feel like discussing that memory right now. “She was sweet and kind.” 

 

“How long did you date?”

 

“Not long at all. We were supposed to go this school dance, but then...well, my date got a job somewhere, so I didn’t get to go.”

 

“That’s too bad.”

 

“Yeah, well it is what it is.”

 

“Did that upset you?”

 

“I was sixteen.”

 

“So?”

 

“So. I was a silly kid with their first real crush. It was really no big deal.” He crossed his arms. “I actually saw her a couple years ago.”

 

“How was that?”

 

“Weird. Nice. She was still so cute and sweet, but she was a little angry with me.” 

 

“Why?”

 

“I hadn’t said goodbye before I left. Kind of stood her up I guess.”

 

“It wasn’t your fault.”

 

“Still shitty though.”

 

“We’re you able to explain things to her?”

 

“Yeah. And we left on good terms. So…” 

 

“Do you wish you were able to go on more dates?”

 

“Not if they’re like the one I went on the other night.”

 

“I’ve been on a lot of bad dates myself. ” She smiled. “But I’ve also been on a lot of good ones.”

 

“I don’t know. I mean I’ve hung out with women at bars. But I don’t know if that really counts though.” He licked his lips. “I guess that makes me kind of a loser, huh?”

 

“No. Not at all.”

 

“I mean I’m almost forty and I’ve mainly been a one night stand guy. But I do remember every single person I sleep with.” He didn’t know why he was telling her this. Maybe he didn’t want her to think he was some sleazy bar fly. “I remember what they smelled like. Their laugh. Their smiles. I even remember how they looked when-” He looked down. “Sorry.”

 

“It’s okay.”

 

“I guess it made me feel better to remember them vividly. Like I had more physical closeness in my life than I really did.” He let out a nervous laugh. “God, you probably think I’m like that sleazy guy in the bar. The one you try to avoid.”

 

“Dean, you’re not that guy. You lived with someone. You’ve been in love.”

 

“Yeah, but I still end up at that bar.”

 

“It’s understandable, okay. You travel and you’re afraid to bring people into your life. That doesn’t make you sleazy.” She smiled. “Have you thought anymore about finding someone like Sam did?”

 

“You mean someone in the same field?” She nodded. “Yeah, actually.” He was surprised by how readily he admitted it. “I watch them sometimes and I feel not really jealous, but like a longing. A longing to be that close to someone.”

 

“I truly believe you can have that.”

 

“I know. But what do I do? There aren’t exactly dating apps for people in my field.”

 

“Maybe the first step is to really pinpoint what it is you want.”

 

“Well, I just sort of said.”

 

“Yes, but maybe describe who that woman would be.”

 

“Now?”

 

“You don’t have to do it now. Maybe you can write it out. And then go from there.”

 

“Like a list?”

 

“Sort of.”

 

“Maybe.”

 

“It doesn’t have to be perfect and it doesn’t have to have everything on it. It can just be a place to start.”

 

It seemed silly, but he found a part of him excited to give it a try. 

 

* * *

 

Dean had been staring at his journal for twenty minutes now. How hard could this be? It was just a simple list. Like a grocery list. No, not a grocery list. Just a wish list. He could do this. He leaned back in the bed and opened up the journal. 

 

_ Dean’s Perfect Woman _

 

He cringed and ripped the piece of paper out. 

 

_ Top Ten Things I’m Looking For _

 

 

  * __Sense of humor__


  * _Kind_



 

 

He rolled his eyes and glanced over at Lola. “This is silly.” He set the journal down and looked up at the ceiling. Maybe this wasn’t the way he was supposed to do this. Maybe he could just imagine her. Close his eyes and see the image in his head. “Okay, I can do that.” He took a deep breath, rolled his shoulders and closed his eyes.  _ Just imagine her, Dean.  _ He tried to conjure up some woman that would fit whatever it was he needed, but nothing was coming. Well, not nothing. Lots of just fuzzy images. Laughter and lots of color. All different shades.  _ Okay, this is weird. _ He opened his eyes and sighed. 

 

Dean glanced over to his bedside table, the journal still sitting there. Maybe he did need to write something first, but not a list. Just thoughts. What would it really look like if he found a real partner? Someone he could spend more than just a night with. He licked his lips, opened up the journal and started to write. 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Hidden Keys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean makes a startling realization.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone is enjoying where I am taking this series. My muse is running wild and it's been a lot of fun. Just slight angst, some fluff and Dean being adorable. Thanks for reading! <3

He held the piece of paper in his hands, folding it and opening it over and over again. He had read the it dozens of times. The words almost committed to memory. With each pass at them he grew more and more nervous. It was like he was watching a movie he should already know the ending to. A song that he song a hundred times. But it was still all a jumble in his mind. The answer just out of reach. So he folded it up again and shoved it in his back pocket. 

 

“Dean?” Laura’s office door was open and he couldn’t remember if the last patient had already left. Lola was standing patiently in front him, that big smile encouraging him to stand.

 

“Yeah.” He stood and followed Laura into her office. Lola took her usual curled up position after getting a pat on the head and a treat from Laura. Dean did a quick check of his back pocket before taking a seat on the couch. 

 

“How have you been?”

 

“Superb.” She gave him a questioning look. He shrugged. “I’m fine.”

 

“Distracted?”

 

“Um...no.”

 

“I was calling your name for a few minutes before you looked up.”

 

“Sorry.”

 

“It’s okay.” She motioned toward him. “Do you wann a talk about it?”

 

“There’s nothing to talk about. Just tired I guess.” 

 

She looked at him for a moment. Studying his facial expressions. Probably trying to decide how to push him. “Anything come up for you during the week that you’d like to talk about?”

 

He shook his head and plastered a determined smile on his face. “Nothing comes to mind.”

 

“Nothing?”

 

He pursed his lips and felt his hand itching to reach into his back pocket. “Absolutely nothing.”

 

“Okay.” She slowly opened her notebook, her eyes going to his every few seconds. He ran a hand through his hair and looked away. She cleared her throat, “Have you written that list we talked about?”

 

He crossed his arms and straightened up. “I kind of forgot about it.” He didn’t know why he was lying. It wasn’t that big deal. He had read frickin poetry in here before. A stupid description of some woman he could never be with wasn’t that big deal.

 

“You forgot about it?”

 

He shrugged and glanced down at his feet. “Yeah. Sorry.”

 

She leaned forward and he got the distinct feeling that she would keep going until he looked at her. He sighed and looked up. “You didn’t even try? Not even an attempt?”

 

He closed his eyes and tried to sink into the back of the couch. “FIne. I...I did write it.” She smiled. He waved his hand, trying to dismiss this conversation from going in further. “But it’s stupid, so.” 

 

“Why do you think it’s stupid?”

 

“Because whoever she is, she wouldn’t want me anyway.”

 

“Do you know who she is?”

 

He cast his eyes downward. “You ever get a song stuck in your head, but you can only remember one line from it? And you keep playing that line over and over in your head just hoping the rest will come to you.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Well, it’s kind of like that.” He held his hands in his lap, worried they would reach into that back pocket again. “I’ve read that damn thing so many times, but I just don’t know the rest of it.”

 

“You don’t know who it is.”

 

He nodded. “It’s like the answer is right there on the tip of my tongue, but my brain just won’t spit it out.” 

 

“Are you afraid of what the answer might be?”

 

He glanced away. “Terrified.”

 

“Why do you think you’re so scared?”

 

“Well, look at me.” She shrugged. “Come on, I’ve been in therapy for basically two years. I have a job that takes me away at a moment's notice. I don’t have nice clothes or nice shoes or anything. I mean I’ve barely dated anyone. I’m a mess.”

 

“Dean, everyone is-”

 

“-a mess. Yes, I know, but this woman I’ve described.” He shook his head. “There’s no way she would want me.”

 

“How do you know that?”

 

“Because she’s good.”

 

“And you’re not good?”

 

“As a whole? No. Not really.”

 

“You’re a good guy, Dean.”

 

“But not good enough for her.”

 

“You don’t even know who she really is. So how can you know that?”

 

“Because I keep reading it and I just...I don’t see how she could.” 

 

“Have you shared what you wrote with anyone else?”

 

“You mean like Sam or Cas?” She nodded. He scoffed and shook his head. “No way.”

 

“Why not? They might be able to help pinpoint who it is.”

 

“Nope. Not sharing that with them.”

 

“Dean-”

 

“Uh uh. That’s too embarrassing.”

 

“Okay. What about sharing it with Beth?”

 

“Beth? She barely knows me and she would just tell Sam.”

 

“Okay. How about reading it to me?”

 

“But you don’t know everyone I know.”

 

“True. But maybe hearing it out loud would help.” He shrugged and looked down at his shoes. “You could bring it with you next time.”

 

“I kind of already have it here.” She smiled. He reached into his back pocket and pulled it out. 

 

“Do you want to try reading it to me?”

 

He stared at the piece of paper for a moment, noticing where the crinkles were from the many times he had folded and unfolded it. What was one more time? He took a deep breath and unfolded the piece of paper. “Okay, but don’t-” He wasn’t sure how to finish that line.

 

“I’m just here to listen.”

 

He looked down at the words that he had almost put to memory. “Can I have some water?”

 

“Sure.” She grabbed him a bottle of water and handed it to him. He took a quick drink before looking back down at the paper. 

 

_ My perfect woman. First of all, I don’t think that exists. Perfection is highly overrated. Stepford wives is not appealing at all. I like a past and I think scars, both inside and out, can make a person more beautiful. Okay, so I guess I just describe who the person I would want to spend the rest of my life with would be. That is if I was afforded that luxury. First off, she’d have to love my brother. I mean she could get annoyed with him, but she’d have to love him. Second, she’d have to love Lola. That’s now an absolute must. She’d have to look at her like she was beautiful and pure, not some made up monster society created. And of course she would have to love Cas. She’d have to be able to appreciate who he really is.  _

 

_ Humor. She’d definitely need a good sense of humor. Someone who loved to laugh no matter how shitty the world got. No matter how much blood or death she saw, she could still smile and see the good in people. An optimist at heart. Jesus, never thought I would say that, but I guess my pessimistic self needs to know that there are still some roses among the thorns.  _

 

Dean took another drink of water and glanced at Laura. She was listening intently. Not even writing in that notebook. 

 

_ She loves to eat. Like loves food. Appreciates a greasy hamburger and a great slice of pie. I mean it’d be okay if she occasionally wanted to do the healthy stuff, but she should love food. Know that it’s okay to get messy eating it. Sometimes that can be part of the fun.  _

 

_ She needs to have a good heart. That may sound simple, but in my experience it’s one of the hardest things to come by. She has to be compassionate and empathetic. She has to be able to look through all the darkness and see some light and occasionally point me in the right direction.  _

 

_ Strong. Not just physically, but in who she is. Someone who can put in my place if need be. Someone who can kick some ass alongside me. Someone who can be tender with their strength. They can fight and then kiss me sweetly. They’d be okay with cuddling on occasion. Yeah, I said it. I want a cuddler.  _

 

_ Music and movies. They need to love them. All kinds too. Maybe they could even introduce me to things I don’t know. And reading. It’d be nice if they liked to read occasionally. Maybe they’d even be okay with me writing. Maybe they’d even encourage it. Maybe they’d embrace it.  _

 

_ Truth. They always try to tell the truth. I know no one can do that one hundred percent of the time, but the majority would be nice. And truthful with me, even if I didn’t want to hear it.  _

 

_ Independence. They don’t need me to complete them and I don’t need them to complete me. We make each other better, but we can survive if we are apart. That would be hard, but it would be needed.  _

 

_ Most of all I want someone who really sees me. The me that maybe others can’t see. Sees all my scars and loves them, just like I would love all of hers. Someone who could be my friend and not just my lover. Someone who likes me and also loves me. Yeah, I’d like that. _

 

Dean held the paper in his hand for a moment before folding it up. He took a deep breath and put it back in his back pocket. And that itch in the back of his head that kept telling him he knew who this was, was back and stronger. “That was really beautiful, Dean.”

 

“And too good for me, right?”

 

“No. Not at all.” She leaned forward. “She sounds like the person that you deserve to have. Someone who will make you really happy.”

 

“If I could just see her.” He studied Laura’s face and saw this look. This soft smile mixed with some sort of knowledge that he couldn’t put his finger on. “You know who it is.”

 

“Dean, like you said, I don’t know everyone you know.”

 

“Yeah, but I can tell. You know who it is.”

 

“I have an idea. Yes.”

 

“Okay, well tell me then.”

 

“I want you to try and figure it out. I think that’s important.”

 

“You’re the one who thought I should ask other people if they knew.”

 

“I know, but I think it would be really great if you could do it.” 

 

“Can you give me a hint?”

 

“Dean, I want you to go over that last part. Just think about it. Especially the line about really seeing you.” She cocked her head to the side. “You know who it is.”

 

“I’m trying. I just...I’m scared.”

 

“I know.” She nodded her head. “I have an idea. Why don’t you close your eyes and try and really see her.”

 

“I’ve already tried that.”

 

“Have you while really hearing the words you wrote?” He looked down. “I know you’re scared to really admit to yourself who it is, but I want you to try.”

 

He wanted to tell her to forget it. That even if he figured it out it wouldn’t matter. That it was an itch he shouldn’t scratch. But dammit, he kind of wanted to. “Okay.” He scooted back on the couch and shut his eyes.

 

“Now, just imagine that woman who sees you for who you really are. The person who sees just Dean and not a caretaker or a leader or someone who will just save them. The person who loves your family and loves every little scar you have. The woman who thinks you’re worth it.” He let her words wash over him, eyes shut tight. And slowly he saw her. All the locks around her coming undone to reveal her. Each beautiful piece. He felt a tear at his eye and it all became so clear. “Do you see her, Dean?” He nodded. “Who is it?”

 

“I can’t say it.”

 

“Dean-”

 

He shook his head. “No. She’s too good for me. I’m-”

 

“Dean, you can do this. Just say her name.”

 

He swallowed and opened his eyes. “Donna.”

 

* * *

 

The realization that what he had written was about Donna sent Dean’s mind into a tailspin. He could barely focus on the rest of his session. He faintly recalled Laura saying something about being proud of him for figuring it out. Something about how far he’d come. How it will all be okay. How in the hell could that be true? She also said that he should tell Donna how he felt. How could he do that when he didn’t even know what it was that he was feeling? 

 

He drove back to the bunker in silence. The only noises coming from inside his head. Did he like Donna? Did he really have feelings for her? Feelings that went beyond friendship. It was true, the words he had written had described her perfectly. But she was his friend. One of his best friends. And she had already made it clear that he was her friend. He couldn’t risk that. No. He had to try and get it out of his mind. Donna was his friend. His confidant. She couldn’t be more. He couldn’t do that to her. 

 

He arrived back at the bunker and was greeted by a flurry of action or more like a flurry of research. Beth had caught wind to some Wendigo case in Oregon. When was the last time they had even thought about a Wendigo? Sam was saying something about how it shouldn’t be that big of a job. Probably only require two or three of them. Dean tried to pay attention. Tried to listen to how many people had already been taken. Tried to understand the history. The location. All the stuff he was supposed to catalog away at times like this. But his brain was just on a constant loop of Donna. Donna. Donna. 

 

“So, Dean you think that’s a good plan?” Sam was staring at him, waiting for some answer. He had no idea what the plan even was. Something with two or three of them and some state that started with an O. 

 

He smiled. “Sounds good to me.” He just hoped he was agreeing to something that would actually sit well with him. 

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yes. As sure as I can be about a plan that is as solid as the one you were going over.” They were all looking at him, a range of confusion and annoyance across their faces. 

 

Sam looked at Dean for a second before continuing. “Great. So, Beth, Cas and I will leave tomorrow and you can stay here.”

 

Yeah, he actually did like that plan. They were looking at him like they expected him to protest. In the past he may have, but not right now. Not when his mind was repeating that one word over and over and over again. Plus, he felt better being the one to stay behind with Lola. “Like I said, great plan.” They looked at him for a minute more, probably waiting for him to crack. Finally they gave up and went back to solidifying the rest of the plan. Dean just sat there, with that five letter word dancing in his head. 

 

* * *

 

Sam, Beth and Cas headed out around dawn the next day. They promised to stay in touch and let him know if anything went south. They gave Lola some goodbye pats and promised to bring her back some treats. He watched as they filled out of the bunker and then the door closed, covering the building in silence. He looked down at Lola. “It’s just you and me girl.” She gave him her trademark grin and padded over to her food dish. 

 

It was always a little weird to be in the bunker alone. The silence took some getting used to. But having Lola around always helped. Of course this time the silence was broken through with thoughts of Donna. He had even dreamt of her. Nothing he could even recall. Just her face. Her hair. Her laugh. Her warmth. Maybe he should’ve fought to go on this hunt. The distraction might have been good for him. Too late now. 

 

He took Lola on a long walk and tried to relax. Tried to just focus on the beauty around him. The crisp air. But it was still there. This itch he couldn’t scratch. What the hell was he gonna do? 

 

Sam checked in around five, updating him on the case. He sounded convinced that they would be done by the next night. Dean told him to stay safe and not to forget the M&Ms if he needed to signal for help. Sam had chuckled at that and told him he would check in tomorrow unless something urgent came up. He hung up the phone and went to the kitchen. He made himself a cheeseburger with extra cheese, onions, tomatoes and plenty of ketchup. He chased it down with a chocolate milkshake. No one around to roll their eyes at his greasy decadence. He’d have to make Donna one of these milkshakes sometime. He could picture her smile as she took a sip. She would close her eyes, groaning in pleasure and then- He shook his head. Dammit, I have to stop this.  _ She’s my friend. She can’t be anything else. Ever _ . 

 

He went to the library and popped in a movie. He didn’t realize until it was too late, which movie he had chosen. Then the cords of  _ Sweet Emotion  _ played and he chuckled. She was even influencing his movie choices. He debated about whether or not to take the movie out. Maybe he could switch it out for something else, but then he smiled and settled in. 

 

About half way into the movie, milk shake drained and his stomach trying to digest the cheeseburger, he grabbed his phone. He didn’t even think about it, just dialed. After the third ring he heard her sunny voice as sweet as honey and he couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face. “Hey, Dean!” Donna said. 

 

“You’ll never guess what I’m watching right now.”

 

“Give me a hint.”

 

He cleared his throat and sang, “Sweet Emotion _ …” _

 

She let out a soft laugh, “Dazed and Confused!” She asked him where he was in the movie and said he should start it over again. They could watch it together. He felt a warmth creep into his heart and he started it over. 

 

They talked throughout the movie, pausing occasionally when they wanted to make sure to hear certain lines. Dean would occasionally sing along with one of the songs and she would playfully beg him to stop. It was nice. Too nice. It scared him. The way her laughter would send pleasant shivers down his spine. The way he prayed the movie would never end. 

 

The movie eventually ended and he heard Donna yawn. He wanted to try and keep the conversation going. Maybe suggest another movie. But he was worried she would think he was being ridiculous. Annoying even. “That was fun.” She yawned. “Almost like our very own Mystery Science Theater.” She stifled another yawn.

 

He chuckled. “I better let you go before you fall asleep on the phone and I have to hear you snore.”

 

“Hey, I don’t snore.”

 

“Sure you don’t.”

 

“Whatever lumberjack.” 

 

“Wait, are you implying that I snore.”

 

“Let’s just say it kind of echoed throughout my house when you and Cas were here.”

 

“That was Lola.”

 

“Blaming your dog. Tsk tsk Dean Winchester.”

 

He laughed. “I’ll prove it to you.” He got out of his chair and kneeled in front of Lola. She was curled up and dreaming, her soft snore filling the room. He held the phone up to her for a few seconds and then pulled it away. “See. It was Lola.”

 

Donna scoffed, “No. That was a sweet and soft snore. Yours could wake the dead.”

 

“I prefer to think of it as manly.”

 

“Manly? Oh geeze.”

 

They were silent for a moment and Dean wanted to tell her to go ahead and talk to him till she fell asleep. Tell her he wouldn’t mind if she snored. He’d like it. But then another yawn broke through. “Well, I better let you go.”

 

“Yeah, before I really do fall asleep.”

 

He chuckled. “Goodnight, Donna.”

 

“Goodnight, Dean.” 

 

He hung up the phone and just stared at it for a moment. “I am so screwed.”

 

* * *

 

Sam sent Dean a quick text the next morning explaining that they were going to be hiking into the campground where the latest missing teenagers were last scene. He said they would be out of range, but they would be safe. He had brought extra M&Ms. Dean smiled and went about his morning routine. Only thinking about Donna every five seconds. Their talk last night had only made that itch that he had worse. He longed to talk to her again. He had to stop himself from calling her every five minutes. He had even written out a few silly texts, only to erase them quickly. He read that piece of paper again, trying to see some hole in the idea that it was her. But there was nothing to be found. No way to try and get rid of the fact that Donna was who had written about. 

 

He took Lola for another long walk followed by a drive into town. They stopped at the pet store and he picked out a new tennis ball for her. It was really a silly purchase. She already had about a hundred of them stashed around the bunker. But the look on her face when she got another one was irresistible. 

 

They stopped at a fast food drive through on the way back to the bunker and Dean ordered a double bacon cheeseburger and another milkshake. It wasn’t as good as his, but it would do. He thought he’d settle in and watch another movie or two. Maybe catch up on  _ Game of Thrones _ . But instead he reached for that phone again and this time he dialed. 

 

She picked up on the first ring and chuckled, “You already miss me, huh?”

 

_ More than you know _ . He laughed and was surprised by the words that came out of his mouth. “Hey, what are you doing next week?”

 

“Nothing. Just work probably. Why?”

 

“I was thinking of taking a drive up to Minnesota.” 

 

“Seriously?” He swallowed. This was a mistake. What was he thinking? She was his friend. He couldn’t do this to her. He was about to tell her nevermind when she said, “Okay. On one condition.”

 

He let out a breath and relaxed into a chair. “Name it.”

 

“You have to bring Lola.” 

 

He laughed. “Deal.” 

 

 

 

 


	3. Jasmine and Sunshine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean heads to Stillwater to visit Donna.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is sort of a set-up chapter for the next few. Sorry if the beginning is a little scattered. Lots of fluff in this one with a touch of angst because I wouldn't be me if I didn't include some angst. ;)

Sam, Beth and Cas arrived just past dawn a couple days later. Sam and Beth said a brief hello to Dean, gave Lola a pat on the head, setting a bag full of goodies on the kitchen counter and headed to bed. Cas accompanied Dean and Lola on their morning walk. It was nice to have someone else around. They walked in silence for several minutes, both taking in the scenery. 

 

Cas looked at him, cocking his head to the side. “You look different.”

 

“Different?”

 

“Relaxed. Happy.”

 

He glanced to the side, watching as the sun hit a patch of frost on the ground. He smiled wistfully. “Yeah, I guess I kind of am.”

 

“I’m happy for you, Dean.”

 

He looked over at Cas. “How are you?”

 

He looked up at the sky, following the movements of a bird up above. The same look of wonder on his face that Lola got. He smiled and looked back at Dean. “I’m good. Glad to be home.” They walked on in comfortable silence. 

 

That evening Dean made them all a big meal. Spaghetti and Meatballs with a Caesar salad, bread and apple pie for dinner. He realized about halfway through the preparation that Beth didn’t like apple pie. “Don’t worry about, Dean. I haven’t given it a try in ages. Maybe I’ll like it this time.”

 

They gathered around the kitchen table and settled into relaxed conversation. They relayed details of the hunt to Dean and he told them about the new things Lola had discovered on their various walks together. It was nice. It was family. 

 

Dean was pouring coffee for them when Beth joined him at the kitchen counter. She crossed her arms and gave him a once over. “Somethings different about you.”

 

“Well, don’t tell anyone, but I’ve been using this new shampoo. It’s fantastic.”

 

She chuckled and shook her head. “No. That’s not it.” She scanned his face and he had the urge to turn away. “Huh.” 

 

“What?”

 

Her face split into a wide grin. “You got laid.”

 

He coughed and shook his head. “No I didn’t.”

 

“You so did.” She turned toward Sam and Cas. He tried to stop her, but she held up her hand. “Dean got laid.”

 

He covered his face with his hand and shook his head. Sam crossed his arms, giving him the once over as well. “Huh, he does look a little bit more-”

 

“-relaxed?” Beth jumped in.

 

“Exactly.”

 

“Guys, I didn’t get laid.”

 

Beth patted him on the arm. “It’s okay, Dean. We won’t judge.”

 

“I really didn’t. I just relaxed some and-”

 

Sam grimaced. “Oh, dude, we don’t need the details.”

 

“I didn’t mean that.” He sighed. “Nothing happened, okay. I just...I had a nice couple of days. Lots of exercise. You know how that brings out the endorphins.” God he wanted to crawl into a hole.

 

Sam smirked. “There are other ways to get those endorphins going.”

 

“That’s it. No apple pie for you.”

 

Beth chuckled and patted him on the shoulder. “Sorry, we’ll let it go.” She gave Sam that stern look that only she could get away with. He nodded and looked away. She looked back at Dean, studying him again. This time when she smiled there was something different about it. Something softer. 

 

“Beth? Seriously, you’re being creepy.”

 

She put her hand on his shoulder and whispered, “it’s a girl, right?” He glanced away and tried to look as annoyed as possible. “You’re stuck on some girl.”

 

“Stuck on? Really?”

 

She shook her head. “You can’t fool me. I see that little flustered look. That smile that you just can’t hide.”

 

He glanced over at Cas and Sam. They were chatting about something having to do with the changing season or structures or something. “It’s that obvious, huh?”

 

“Yeah, but they probably don’t see it.” She squeezed his arm. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell Sam.”

 

He muttered a thank you and quickly moved toward the kitchen table, coffee cups in hand. They tucked into desert, Beth actually eating about half a slice of pie, and the subject didn’t come up again. Well, with the exception of a couple of sly looks from Beth. He wanted to crawl under the covers. How was he ever going to get away with visiting Donna without her knowing the truth? 

 

Cas and Beth cleaned up the kitchen and Sam and Dean took Lola outside. Once he was sure they were out of earshot, he cleared his throat and looked at Sam. “So, next week I’m gonna go visit Donna for a few days.”

 

“Is everything okay?”

 

“Yeah. Yeah. She just...she missed Lola.”  _ Yes, use your dog Dean _ .

 

“Hm...well, maybe Beth and I can join you.”

 

“No!” Sam looked at him, knitted brow. “I just mean someone has to stay back here in case something happens.” 

 

Sam took in what he said and looked like he was mulling it over. He nodded. “Yeah, okay. Makes sense.” 

 

“I won’t be gone long. And if anything comes up I can be back quickly.”

 

Sam nodded his head. “Dean, you really do look good.”

 

“Thanks.” And it was true. No matter how confused he was, he felt it. This light inside of him. This hope that he couldn’t ignore. 

 

* * *

 

He was leaving in two days. Two days. Forty-eight hours. No, he wasn’t going to count the seconds and minutes, although he had pulled up the calculator on his phone a few times. He was getting nervous. He still had that sheet of paper and he kept it with him like a security blanket. He tried to put away. Tuck it into his journal. But he wanted it near him for some reason. Maybe it made him feel like this was real. Like what he was feeling was something tangible. Something possible. He tucked the paper into his back pocket and headed out to therapy. 

 

Dean sat on the couch, Lola getting a cookie and pat from Laura. “How are you, Dean?” Lola walked over and curled up at his feet.

 

“I’m good. Really good.”

 

“You seem happy.” Man, he must have neon sign on his forehead. He nodded. “Did something happen?”

 

He ran his hands down the legs of his jeans. “I...I’m going to visit Donna in a couple of days.”

 

Her face lit up so brightly that you would have thought it was her that had discovered their feelings for their close friend. “I’m so happy for you, Dean.”

 

“Yeah. Yeah, me too.” 

 

“Are you gonna tell her how you feel?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“What’s scaring you?”

 

“Everything.” He shook his head. “I mean she could...she might laugh at me.”

 

“I don’t think she’ll do that.” She was right. Donna wouldn’t do that to him.

 

“I don’t know if she could ever even...what if I tell her and she pushes me away? What if she doesn’t feel the same way?”

 

“That’s always a risk. I can’t sit here and tell you that she feels the same way. But remember that you didn’t even know how you felt till recently.”

 

“Yeah.” He glanced down. “I’ve been carrying that piece of paper around with me. It’s almost like a piece of me now.”

 

“Have you read it again?”

 

“No. Truth is I’m kind of afraid to.”

 

“Why is that?”

 

“What if the words don’t hold the same meaning anymore? What if I don’t see her in them?” He chuckled. “Isn’t that silly? Here I am terrified that she doesn’t feel the same way, but yet I’m scared to have my feelings taken away.”

 

“It makes sense. Have you really thought about exactly how you feel about her?”

 

“What do you mean? I thought that’s what we talked about last time.”

 

“Yes, but have you said how you feel about her? Even if it is just to yourself.”

 

“I know I like her. Like a lot. Like a crazy amount. It’s like the second I said her name I opened this door that I had been keeping locked for so long. A door I didn’t even know was there.” He grinned to himself. “I can’t stop thinking about her. I wonder what she’s doing and if she’s happy. I think about if she would like the show I’m watching. The story I’m reading. The food I’m eating.” He took in a deep breath. “I’m kind of crazy about her.”

 

“Sounds like it.”

 

“Is it weird that it just happened so fast?”

 

“I don’t think it did happen so fast. You’ve always talked fondly of her in here. And your face would light up when you said her name. I think that maybe it’s been there for awhile now, but like you said you just now opened that door.”

 

“I’m afraid she’s gonna wanna close it.”

 

“I know. But you’ll never know until you try.”

 

“Yeah. I just hope I can.”

 

“I do too. But no matter what, I’m very proud of you, Dean. What you’re doing is scary, but it’s wonderful too. You should be proud of yourself.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

“Are you taking Lola with you?”

 

“Yeah, she kind of insisted that I do. I mean I would’ve anyway, but it was nice to hear her so excited to see her.” He looked down at her and smiled. “She’s a special dog.”

 

“Yes, she is.”

 

“Beth kind of figured it out.”

 

“She did?”

 

“Yeah, she said I had this look. I guess it’s the same thing you saw. She doesn’t know it’s Donna, but I’m sure she’s putting it together now.”

 

“Does Sam or Cas know?”

 

“No.”

 

“Why not?”

 

He shrugged. “I guess I don’t want to tell them yet.”

 

“Why?”

 

“What if they think it’s stupid?” He crossed his arms. “I mean Beth knowing is better somehow because she doesn’t know Donna. But Sam and Cas do. What if they don’t think I’m good enough for her?”

 

“You really think they would think that?”

 

“I don’t know. Probably not Cas, but Sam...I just worry he’ll think that I shouldn’t drag her into my life.”

 

“Does he judge your friendship with her?”

 

“No. Not at all.”

 

“Then why would you think he would judge this?”

 

“Because it’s different. It’d be more intimate.”

 

“Sam loves you, Dean. I truly think he wants you to be happy.”

 

“Yeah. I know that. I do. I’m just...I don’t know.”

 

“Is this because you don’t think you’re good enough?”

 

“Maybe.”

 

“Donna sees all your scars and still thinks you’re pretty great. Right?” He nodded. “Try and hold on to that. Try and believe that.”

 

“Do you think I should show Donna what I wrote?” He hadn’t even thought about doing that before and the question shocked him. 

 

“Yes. But only if you feel comfortable with it.”

 

“She’s read things I’ve written before.” He shrugged. “Maybe it would make everything come out better.”

 

“I want you to consider doing that, but also don’t doubt your own voice. It’s stronger than you think.”

 

“Okay. I can try and do that.”

 

“Good.” They continued to talk about the trip and how things were back at the bunker. He felt a little bit of relaxation come over him. A little bit of ease. And that little hope that had opened that door. 

 

* * *

 

He packed and repacked about five times. He didn’t know why he was having such a hard time with this. It was Donna. She had seen him bloodied and battered. It didn’t matter what he wore. But now it did for some reason. He wasn’t gonna wear a suit or anything, but he wanted to wear jeans that didn’t have faint blood stains and shirts that weren’t ten years old. He decided to pick up a few extra shirts in town. A couple of new black t-shirts and a pair of jeans that had no old body fluids on them. He packed those away and dressed in a red plaid shirt and one of his cleaner pair of old jeans for the drive. They headed out a little bit after dawn. Traveling with Lola meant more pit stops and he didn’t want to arrive too late. He said goodbye to everyone and promised to check in. Beth leaned over to him and whispered, “good luck”, before he left and he had to hide his face before everyone else noticed the blush on his cheeks. 

 

He arrived in Stillwater a little after seven, making better time than he thought he would. He briefly considered stopping for flowers, but thought that might be a bit too much. He didn’t even know if he had a chance with her and a bouquet might send her running. When they pulled into her driveway Lola’s head perked up. Her body started wiggling and she was doing that excited jig she did when she was happy. She remembered Donna’s house. It sent a warmth throughout his body. “You remember Donna?” She wiggled a bit more and let out a little bark. He chuckled. “Okay. Relax. We’re getting there.” He grabbed his duffle bag, leashed Lola and headed to the front door. He ran a hand through his hair and straightened his shirt. He suddenly felt like he should’ve stopped somewhere to freshen up. Maybe wash his face. Put on some deodorant. But then the door opened and he forgot all that. 

 

She was wearing sweats and an oversized white t-shirt. Her hair pulled into a haphazard ponytail, little wisps of hair framing her face, not a stitch of makeup on. She was the most gorgeous thing he had ever seen. “Hey there!” She pulled him into a hug and he tried not to inhale too deeply. She smelled of jasmine and fresh air and he wanted to bury his nose in her neck. She pulled back and gave him the once over, smiling. She knelt down in front of Lola and gave her a pat and scratch behind the ear. Lola covered her face in kisses. Lucky dog. 

 

Donna ushered them inside and he let Lola off her leash. “I made some sandwiches if you're hungry and I have a pot of decaf going.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

“Also, I um...I kind of got Lola some stuff.” She looked at Dean nervously. “Come on, I’ll show you.” She led them into the kitchen and Dean’s heart stopped. She had bought a water bowl and food dish, both adorned with the word “princess”. Next to that was a bag of the really expensive dog food and two cans of tuna. There was a huge dog bed on the floor and a bag filled to the brim with tennis balls. He wanted to cry. “I know, I went overboard and you can take all this with you. I just...I’ve always sort of wanted a dog and-”

 

“It’s incredible, Donna.”

 

“You’re not mad?”

 

“No. Why would I be mad?” He smiled down at her and fought the urge to pull her into a kiss. “It’s awesome!” Her face lit up in one of her brightest smiles and his heart actually skipped a beat. Lola was just as happy. She was already sniffing everything and digging for a ball. She would grab one, drop it and then repeat that. Always looking for that elusive perfect ball. They watched her for a bit, laughing together. He leaned toward Donna, trying not to groan when he caught a whiff of her shampoo. “She could play with them all night.” She glanced back at him and smiled. Finally, Lola found one ball that seemed to be the right one for that moment. She took it and curled up on the dog bed.

 

“She won’t try to destroy it, will she? I mean I don’t want her to choke on anything or-”

 

He shook his head. “Don’t worry. She’s as gentle as can be with them.” She nodded and gestured for Dean to sit down at the kitchen table. She placed a plate in front of him and sat across from him, a plate in front of her as well. There was a turkey bacon sandwich on sourdough bread with tomatoes, onions, and slathered in mustard and mayo. Next to the sandwich was an overflowing pile of potato chips. His stomach growled at the offering and he licked his lips. He took a generous bite, tomato juice dripping down his chin. He groaned and Donna chuckled. “This is incredible,” he said around a mouthful of food.

 

“I’m glad you like it.” She took a bite of her sandwich, which was mainly just turkey and veggies. Her pile of chips was decidedly smaller. “How was the drive out here?”

 

He swallowed the bite in his mouth. “Good. It takes a little bit longer with Lola in the car, but it wasn’t too bad.”

 

“She’s a really great dog.” She studied Lola for a moment, watching her absently chewing on the ball, but not destroying it. “Do people ever...do they ever say anything about her?”

 

He could tell she was nervous to ask about the judgement Lola may have received. Afraid it might upset him. “Sometimes.” He gave Lola a sad smile. “There are some people who look physically revolted when they see her. Others that are scared of her because she’s a pit bull.” He picked up a chip. “But most people are okay.”

 

She shook her head and let out a sad sigh. “I don’t see how anyone could look at her and see anything but light.” 

 

He watched her for a moment, the love in her eyes when she watched Lola. His heart skipped another beat. “Luckily she doesn’t seem to notice. She still just smiles and looks at the world with wonder.”

 

“I envy that.”

 

“Me toot.” Donna looked back at him and gave him a quick smile. “Have you thought anymore about leaving the force?”

 

She shrugged. “I mean I know I do good there and I want to help people. Now with hunting I feel that need even stronger, but I just feel tied down to it now.”

 

“What do you want to do?”

 

“Travel.” She gave him a warm smile and there was a little twinkle in her eye. “I mean I know your life is hard on the road. Bad motels and all that, but you get to see the world.”

 

“Yeah, but the bad parts of it.”

 

“But you still love it, right? I mean the traveling part.”

 

He leaned back in his chair. “Yeah. If I’m at the bunker longer than a week I can get stir crazy. It’s easier now with Lola since she forces me to get out when we’re home. But there will always be a part of me that loves being on the road.”

 

“I’ve barely been out of Stillwater really. That trip I took to Wichita really was the most exciting trip I’d been on in years.”

 

“Well, we’ll just have to see what I can do to change that.” He heard the playful tone in his voice. Maybe even a little flirtation. And he knew Donna heard it too. “I mean you can join us anytime you want.” She smiled at him and they went back to their meal. 

* * *

 

Dean patted his stomach. “That was amazing. I’m stuffed.”

 

“Oh. Darn.” She cast her eyes downward, a frown spreading across her face. 

 

“What?”

 

She stood up slowly, walking to the fridge. “Well, you see I sort of got you something.” She opened the refrigerator door and pulled out a white pie box. Dean’s eyes went wide. “It’s a chocolate silk pie.”

 

His mouth filled with saliva. “Is it from that pie place we went to?”

 

“Yeah, but if you're too full-”

 

“No! Not too full at all.” She smirked and set the pie down in front of him, opening the lid and presenting it to him in all it’s glory. “Come to poppa.” She chuckled and handed him a fork. He looked up at her. “Seriously? I can just dig in?”

 

“Yeah. I bought it for you.” 

 

He wanted to kiss her. “You’re awesome!” He dove in. The creamy chocolate like butter on his tongue. He closed his eyes and groaned. “This is amazing.” He took a few more bites and then looked up at Donna. She was watching him, her chin in her hand and a warm smile on her face. She noticed him looking at her and she quickly looked away, a little blush creeping up on her cheeks. It was adorable. He smiled at her. “You should have some.”

 

She sat back a little. “No. I can’t.”

 

“Sure you can.”

 

She crossed her arms. “No, too many calories for me.” He scooted his chair back and stood. He grabbed a fork out of a drawer and walked over to her. “Dean-”

 

He knelt down and handed her the fork. “You should never deny yourself pie.” Her lips quirked up and she took the fork. He smiled and sat back down. 

 

She licked her lips and took a breath. She took a generous bite and closed her mouth around the fork. She slowly sucked the pie into her mouth, closing her eyes. “Mmmm...that is incredible.” His mouth went dry. She took another bite. This time a tiny bit of whipped cream ended up on her lower lip. He had to hold his hand to keep from wiping it away. She ran her thumb over her lower lip and sucked off the whip cream. He felt the blood rushing from his brain and he was worried that if he didn’t look away he would embarrass himself. 

 

He took a drink of his coffee and tried not to glance back at her. She was still making those nearly pornographic sounds and god he wanted to be one the to bring those noises out. He quickly took another bite of pie, stuffing it in his mouth and trying to concentrate on the sweetness. “Oh my God, Dean. This is what Heaven is.” 

 

He choked out, “Yep.” They continued eating the pie and he tried his hardest not to watch every single bite as it entered her mouth. His heart pretty much pounding out of his chest. How she couldn't hear it, he’d never know. 

 

She wiped her mouth. “So, I have something to tell you.” 

 

He shook his head, trying to make his thoughts return to normal. “Um..yeah.”

 

She studied his face for a minute, before continuing. “I’m a total goober. I kind of forgot about something.” She set her fork down. “See, Jody and I we kind of have this thing where we get together once a month for like a girls night out. One month I go there and the next she comes here”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Yeah, and well her month to come here kind of falls on tomorrow night.”

 

He tried not to let the disappoint me take over. It was just one night. “Oh. Well, that’s okay. I can just hang around Stillwater and find something to do.”

 

She shook her head. “No. See I told her you were going to be in town and she insisted you come.”

 

“Donna, I don’t want to intrude on your girls night out or whatever.”

 

She touched his hand. “I want you to come.” He smiled and she pulled her hand away. He wanted to grab it and entwine his fingers with hers. 

 

He cleared his throat. “Okay. Fine. But what do you guys do on these girls night out?” He took another bite of pie. “Like manicures and chick flicks.”

 

She tossed her napkin at him. “Nope.” She took a bite of pie and gave him a mischievous smile. “We’re going bowling.

 

“Bowling?”

 

“Yep.” 

 

He grinned. “I like bowling.”

 

“You do?”

 

“Yes. Of course.” He took a sip of coffee. “But I have to warn you, I’m pretty awesome.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Oh yeah. I average about one ninety to two hundred.”

 

“That’s pretty good.”

 

“Pretty good?”

 

“Yeah, pretty good.” 

 

“So, you think you can do better?”

 

“Oh, I know I can.”

 

“Really?” He crossed his arms. “Care to make it interesting?”

 

“You mean like a bet?”

 

“Why? Are you scared?”

 

She let out a low laugh that caused warmth to pool in his stomach. “I think it’s you that should be scared, Winchester.” 

 

“So, is that a yes then?”

 

She quirked her eyebrow up. “What’s the bet?” 

 

_ Don’t scare her off, Winchester. Just a simple bet. _ “I win and you have to take me to dinner. Like a nice steak dinner, all the trimmings. And pie.”

 

“That’s it?”

 

He nodded. “And if you win?”

 

“If I win,” her lips curled up into a wicked smile. “you have to sing in front of the whole bowling alley.”

 

“Seriously?”

 

“And I get to choose the song.”

 

Shit, she was good at this. “I mean I know I have an amazing voice, but are you sure?”

 

“Scared?”

 

“Nope.” He held out his hand. “Shall we shake on it?” 

 

She shook his hand and then leaned over to him, her mouth just inches from his and he swallowed. “By the way, my average is two twenty.” She smiled and gave him a quick wink. And damn if that wasn’t the sexiest thing he’d ever seen.  He coughed and scooted back. She laughed and took another bite of pie. He was so screwed.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My muse has been working overtime lately and I can't wait for you guys to see where I'm taking this. Hopefully my muse continues to be so active. Thanks again for reading and any and all feedback welcome. <3


	4. Just a Friendly Little Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean, Donna and Jody go bowling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next couple of chapters are going to be a little bit different. There won't be any therapy sessions in them. There is lots of fluff and flirting ahead and the tiniest bit of angst. Enjoy and thanks again for reading!

Dean made them a breakfast of pancakes, bacon and eggs the next morning. Donna sat at the kitchen table watching him cook and nursing a cup of coffee. She was wearing a baby blue fluffy robe that he wanted to wrap himself up in

 

He placed a couple of eggs, pancakes and four slices of bacon on a plate and set it in front of Donna. She inhaled and closed her eyes. “Mmm...it smells incredible.”

 

“It tastes even better.” He turned back to the stove, getting his own plate. When he turned back to the table he noticed that Donna hadn’t taken a bite. She hadn’t even put any of the maple syrup he set out on the pancakes. “What’s wrong? Eggs not how you like ‘em?”

 

She shook her head. “I just. I shouldn’t eat this much food.”

 

The list of reasons he had to kick her ex’s ass kept growing. He sat down next to her and gently touched her arm. “You’re beautiful, Donna.” She blushed and gave him a tiny smile. He smiled and poured some syrup on his pancakes. “Besides, I slaved away on that breakfast. It would just be plain rude not to at least try it.” He popped a bit of pancake in his mouth and smiled.

 

“Well, I wouldn’t want to be rude.” He let out a sigh of relief when she poured a healthy portion of syrup on the pancakes. She took a healthy bite and groaned. He felt the heat pooling in his stomach and he realized he was developing some kind of kink. A kink he wanted to satisfy with as much food as she would let him feed her. She took another bite, groaning again. “Best pancake I’ve ever had.” He smiled and dug into his breakfast. 

 

They cleaned up the kitchen and took Lola for a walk. It was so easy. So domestic and norma. He had to shove his free hand into his jean pocket to avoid taking Donna’s hand in his. He watched as neighbors would wave hello to her, some asking about the dog. Others would look him over, sizing him up. They would nod to him, a protective overtone to it. “Your neighbors seem to like you.”

 

“Yeah, I think it’s because I’m a sheriff.”

 

“It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with how awesome you are.”

 

She chuckled softly. “I am pretty damn awesome.” 

 

He chuckled and playfully elbowed her. “Don’t get cocky now.” 

 

She stood up taller, puffing her chest out a little bit. “Too late.” He laughed. “Oh, by the way I spoke with Jody this morning and she’s bringing Claire and Alex.

 

“I thought part of the reason you guys did this was so she could have a break?”

 

“They’re not going bowling with us.” She took a deep breath. “When they heard you got a dog, they insisted on coming down to meet her. And I know how worried you are about leaving her alone, so we thought that they could watch Lola.”

 

He stopped walking and looked at her. He shook his head. “Nope. Not a good idea.”

 

“Dean, they’ll be fine.”

 

“They’re teenage girls. They’ll be distracted.”

 

“They’re very responsible.” He snorted and she crossed her arms. “Oh I see what’s happening here. You’re trying to get out of the bet.” 

 

“What? No. I mean I’ve basically won that bet already.” She scoffed. “I can already taste the steak dinner.”

 

“And I can already hear you singing.” She smiled up at him. “Dean, it’ll be fine.” 

 

He sighed. “Okay. Fine.”

 

She clapped her hands together and tugged on his arm. “Goodie!” They continued walking. 

 

He pointed at her. “But they have to follow my rules. No boys over. No parties. No taking Lola on joy rides.” Donna snickered and hid her face. “I’m serious.”

 

“Oh, I know.” She reached up and gave his cheek a soft pinch. “It’s really adorable.” 

 

He blushed a little and stood up straighter. “Shut-up.” She just chuckled and they walked on. 

 

* * *

 

They spent the afternoon cruising around Stillwater, Donna giving him a brief tour of her life.  The block she grew up on. The porch she jumped off of as a child, which resulted in her spending the summer in cast. The corner where she first kissed a boy. The street where she experienced her first heartbreak. All the little scenes that made up who Donna was. She kept apologizing to him, saying how bored he must be, but he wasn’t at all. It was her. Every part of her, even the parts that hurt. He cherished it. 

 

They were sitting on a park bench eating a couple of sandwiches they had picked up in town. Lola was lying on the grass, chewing on a bone. Donna was telling him about all the afternoons she would spend here during her high school years. “I kind of skipped school a lot.”

 

He was taken aback by that. “You skipped school?”

 

“Hey, I wasn’t always the small town sheriff you see before you.” She took a bite of her sandwich and looked out over the park. She seemed lost in some memory. “I was kind of a rebel back then.” He tried to picture that. It actually wasn’t that hard. “I’d cut class. Smoke in the bathrooms. Stay out past curfew.” She laughed. “I even got a tattoo.” 

 

He stopped mid-bite. “Where?” 

 

She smirked. “I can’t tell you that.” 

 

That told him all he needed to know and he felt a little flushed. He needed to change the topic before his imagination got the best of him. “So, what made you change your wicked ways?”

 

“My dad.” She picked at her sandwich. “He was the smartest and kindest man I ever knew. He loved us with everything he had. Never judged. Never raised his voice in anger.” She sighed and leaned back. “One day I came home and my dad was crying. I’d never seen him so upset. He was worried I wouldn’t graduate. Worried that my behavior would end up hurting me.” She shrugged. “He was right. So, from that point on I put my all into school. My future. Everything. And that’s what led me to where I am today.” She took a bite of her sandwich and Dean watched her profile. She was still back in that memory. Her eyes a little misty, but her smile full of warmth. He wanted to reach out and pull her to him. Get lost in her life. Her smile. Her stories. He had fallen so hard for her that it took his breath away. 

 

He quickly looked away, going back to his sandwich. They finished their lunch in silence. 

 

* * *

 

Donna was still getting ready when Jody, Claire and Alex arrived. Jody gave Dean a hug and Claire and Alex just barely nodded to Dean and ran over to Lola. They had brought a bag with toys and little treats and Dean realized he was going to need a separate duffel for all the presents Lola had acquired. The girls showered her with head pats and some kisses. Lola’s tail never stopped wagging. They pulled out a kong stuffed with little treats and Lola’s eyes lit up. She took it and curled up on the dog bed. Claire and Alex right beside her. They were like little innocent kids. It was actually pretty nice to see.

 

“Oh man, they’re gonna ask me for a dog now.”

 

“Well, there are lots of shelters-”

 

She pointed at him. “Don’t give them any ideas.” He chuckled and watched as Lola figured out how to get the treats out. 

 

Dean nodded toward the girls. “Hey, Claire and Alex.” They glanced up at him and he gestured between them and Lola. “I have some rules, okay?” They rolled their eyes, but he continued on. “You stay here, got it? No taking Lola on joy rides around town and no bringing strange men over.”

 

Claire scoffed. “Joy rides? Okay grandpa.”

 

_ Grandpa! _ He decided to let it go and continued on. “And I will be checking in on you.” He heard Jody chuckle next to him. 

 

“Don’t worry. They know that if anything happens to Lola they have me to deal with.” Dean knew that that was probably the threat that would work the best. 

 

“Hey, guys. Sorry it took me so long.” Dean and Jody turned to look at Donna.  _ Damn. _ Dean’s mouth went dry. She was wearing a blank tank top that showed just the right amount of cleavage, lace decorating the top. A tiny black leather jacket over it. Her jeans hugged her curves in all the right places. Her hair was down, the curls framing her face and his hands itched to touch her. Itched to run his fingers through her hair. She smiled and he forgot to breath.

 

He watched her every movement. Watched as Jody pulled her into a tight hug. Watched as she said hello to Claire and Alex, making them get up to give her a reluctant hug. Followed the movements of her fingers as she pushed a stray hair behind her ear. Watched as her smile turned into a full on laugh at something one of them said. Her whole body moving with it. He was mesmerized. She caught his eye and gave him a questioning look, probably wondering why he was standing like a statue. Jody gave him a playful nudge and he cleared his throat. “Um...that’s what you’re wearing bowling?” He didn’t know why he said it. It was just the only thing he could think to say other than let’s go to your room and see how those fingers truly feel. And that wouldn’t have gone over very well. 

 

Donna crossed her arms and looked him up and down. “Is there a bowling attire I’m not aware of?” Her tone was sarcastic, but he could tell there was something else there. Something that played on that insecurity that was so deeply instilled in her. He wished he could take it all back. 

 

Jody clapped him on the back. “I think Dean is just a little worried he’ll get distracted.”

 

Donna looked at him, tilting her head to the side. He saw the corners of her mouth turning up into a grin. “So, this might affect your game?” Her tongue darted out and she licked her lips and he had to look away.

 

“Nope. I’m still winning.” He grabbed his jacket. “Can we get out of here?” He gave Lola a quick pat on the head and marched to the door, not even sure if they were following until he heard Jody whispering, “Winning?”

 

“I’ll tell ya later.”

 

Dean drove them to the bowling alley, Donna shotgun and Jody in the back. He tried not to sneak too many glances in her direction, but damn was she making it hard. Especially when the moonlight would hit her face in a way that made her brown eyes sparkle. He wanted to drown in them.

 

The bowling alley was a little rundown one that he suspected hadn’t been updated since the eighties. Classic rock spilled out onto the street and he smiled to himself. They picked a lane and started to pick out the perfect ball. Jody set her ball down and looked between them. “So, are you gonna explain that winning thing?”

 

“Dean and I kind of made a bet.

 

“Oh did you now?” She glanced over at Dean, a little smirk on her face and he quickly looked away. 

 

Donna just continued on. “Yeah, he wins I buy him a steak dinner. I win he has to sing a song of my choosing in the bowling alley.”

 

She chuckled and leaned over to Donna. “Does he know your average?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

She pointed at Dean and shook her head. “You better wet those pipes, dude.”

 

“I think I’ll be wetting them with the water I drink to wash down that steak dinner.”

 

Jody turned toward Donna. “What song are ya gonna make him sing?”

 

She glanced at Dean, quirking her eyebrow. “He seems like a ballad type of guy.”

 

He rolled his eyes and walked over with his ball in hand. “Remember, I said a nice steak restaurant. Nicest you have in town.”

 

“Yeah, definitely a ballad.” Jody chuckled. 

 

“Okay. Can we just get to playing now?” They both laughed as they started the game. Donna took off her jacket, throwing it on a chair and Dean’s mouth went dry. Her skin looked so soft and smooth and she had little freckles on her shoulders. He wanted to kiss each one. Donna and Jody looked up at him and he quickly looked away. He heard Jody whispering something about the outfit working it’s magic, but he tried to concentrate on bowling. 

 

He was still a little convinced that he could beat Donna. But then the game started. She was really good. Three strikes in a row. He rolled a strike and two spares. Not bad, but not good enough. Jody was pretty good too. But after awhile she just started throwing the ball without a real aim. She was much more invested in Dean and Donna’s game. 

 

By the time they got to the seventh frame the score was one seventy to one fifty, Donna in the lead. “So, Dean, you want me to get you some water now or-”

 

He shot Jody a death glare and walked up to the lane. He watched as the bowling ball rolled down the lane, heading for the center ball. It hit it perfectly, knocking all the pins down. “You were saying.” But the cockiness didn’t last. Donna kept bowling strikes and spares after that and she was true to her average; two twenty was her final score. 

 

Jody leaned forward. “Want that water now?”

 

Donna rubbed her hands together, a little wicked grin on her lips.He shifted in his seat, trying like hell to look pissed and not as turned as he really was. “Be right back.”

 

He jumped up and moved next to Jody. A little jolt of fear and anxiety shot through his veins. “Where’s she goin’.”

 

Jody chuckled. “Gettin’ scared?”

 

“What? No?” He watched as Donna walked over to talk to some guy in the back. She gestured toward him and then continued talking. 

 

“You know, I’m pretty sure Donna would be okay with it if you decided you didn’t want to do this.”

 

He swallowed, noticing how dry his throat was. Maybe he should have drank some water. But then he looked at Donna again. She was giddy and her hands were flying everywhere. She looked so happy. “I never welch on a bet. Besides,” he smiled warmly and gestured towards Donna, “look how happy she is.” 

 

Jody nodded and smiled. “Have you told her yet?”

 

“Told her what?”

 

“That you’ve always dreamt of singing Careless Whisper at a bowling alley.” He glanced at her, dread spreading across his face. She chuckled softly and then smiled warmly at him. “Have you told her that you like her?”

 

He looked away quickly, trying to decide if he should come clean. He could say she was crazy. Say they were just friends. But instead he choked out, “no.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because look at her.” He gestured toward Donna. “She’s like sunshine. And I’m...I’m not.”

 

“So, you’re not good enough for her?” He nodded. “I hate to break it to you kiddo, but she’s not as light as you think she is. She’s been through some dark shit and she can kick ass with the best of ‘em.”

 

“I know that, but-”

 

“And you, well you’re not some dark cloud of despair.”

 

“But the life I lead. How can I drag her into that?”

 

She turned him toward her. “Dean, she’s already in that life. Or did you forget that?” He tried to look away, but she forced him to look at her. “She does hunts without you. You know that, right?” He sort of did, but didn’t know how often that happened. He figured she called him each time. More fear shot through him. Jody gave him a soft smile. “And she’s damn good at it.” 

 

“I don’t wanna hurt her.”

 

“Honey, there are no guaranties that that won’t happen. You’re human and so is she. And humans, well, they hurt each other. But they also love each other.” She glanced toward Donna. “You know, we’ve have been getting together for these girls night out things for almost a year now. You know what she wears almost every single time?” She looked back at him. “Jeans and an oversized sweatshirt. Sometimes she’ll opt for a nice dress shirt or short sleeve shirt. But she never dresses like she wants people to see her. And tonight she’s dressed like she knows how beautiful she is and she wants the whole world to know it too.” He looked over at Donna and she glanced over at him. She gave him a thumbs up and smiled. “Now, it may not have anything to do with you being here or with how important you are to her.” He tried not to get stuck on that important to her part, but he was pretty sure it would start playing on a loop in his head. “But I have a hard time believing that her having confidence like that isn’t related to you.” He looked back at Jody. “So don’t tell me that you’re not good enough for her. Don’t tell me that you don’t bring light to  _ her _ darkness. Just like she brings light to yours.” 

 

Just then Donna walked up, her smile faltering when she saw their faces. “Everything okay?”

 

Jody looked away from Dean and smiled. “Yeah, Dean was just worried that he’d only get to sing one song tonight.” 

 

He rolled his eyes and then looked down at Donna’s hand. “Is that a microphone?”

 

She smiled. “You betcha.”

 

“I’m using a microphone?”

 

“Yep. I kind of know the owner. It feeds directly into the PA system.”

 

“Oh.” He walked over to and grabbed a glass of water off their table. 

 

The music stopped and a man’s voice bellowed out over the loudspeaker. “Good evening everyone.” Donna walked over to Dean and grabbed his hand. He glanced down at her. Her fingers intertwined with his and he let the warmth seep into his skin. He never wanted to let go. “If I could have everyone look over to lane eight.” All eyes turned toward them. He wanted to crawl under the table, but Donna’s warmth grounded him. “We our going to be treated to a live performance of a very special song, one of my personal favorites. So please, give it up for Dean Perry.”

 

Dean leaned over to Donna. “Perry?”

 

“You’ll see.” Just then the opening chords for  _ Faithfully _ by  _ Journey _ came through the speakers. He swallowed and tried to recall the opening chorus. His hands started shaking a little. Donna looked up at him, concern in her eyes. “Dean, if you don’t want to do this it’s really okay.”

 

He glanced down at her, squeezed her hand and took the microphone. She smiled brightly and stepped over to stand by Jody. He started to sing.

 

“Highway run.

Into the midnight sun. 

Wheel go round and round.

You’re on my mind.

Restless hearts

Sleep alone tonight

Sendin' all my love

Along the wire ”

 

He knew he wasn’t the best singer and he was out of tune for some of it, but damn if he didn’t gave it his all. He even moved around a bit and belted the chorus out as loud as he could. There was actual applause from the crowd and even people singing along. But he kept his eyes on Donna the whole time. She kept cheering him on and even mouthing some of the words. He never thought he would say it, but it was a blast. 

 

When he finished singing he had a couple of people actually come up to him and tell him how good he was. Donna playfully elbowed him. “Oh great, now he’s gonna try to become a rock star.”

 

“You know you’d want to be my groupie.” She blushed slightly and looked away. 

 

Jody cleared her throat. “What do you say we get out of here before Dean starts signing autographs.” 

 

“Autographs? That’s a good idea. I bet I could make-”

 

Donna rolled her eyes. “What have I done?”

 

“So, wanna go hit up Hoggsbreath,” Jody said.

 

Dean laughed. “Hoggsbreath?”

 

“It’s this sports bar with games and stuff. We usually go there after.” She chewed on her bottom lip. “But we don’t have to if it’s too-”

 

“Do they have pool?”

 

“Yep.”

 

“Then Hoggsbreath it is!” Dean did make a call to check in on Lola before they left. Jody and Donna snickered and let out some exaggerated “awws” and he glared at them. Once he was sure she was fine, they headed out. 

 

Hoggsbreath was your typical loud sports bar, with several pool tables near the back, some table top computer games and a couple of dart boards. They grabbed a table and a waitress came over to take their order. Jody ordered a beer, Dean ordered a coke and Donna did too. He had the distinct feeling that she was doing that for his benefit and he was touched. “Donna, you can have a beer.”

 

“I know I can, but I want a coke.” She gave him a small smile. “Do you have a problem with that?”

 

He smiled warmly at her and shook his head. “Not at all.”

 

Donna glanced around the bar and then stopped on the pool tables. She leaned over to Dean. “So, if you were here to hustle pool, who would you target?”

 

He glanced back at the pool tables. There were two young guys, probably college kids, at one table. They actually seemed somewhat sober, which surprised him, and they were playing pretty well. At the pool table next to them were two men in their early thirties, both in blue suits and hair slicked back with way too much product. He smiled and pointed in their direction. “Them.”

 

She studied them for a minute. “Hm...I would’ve thought the college guys.”

 

“No. They’re actually pretty good and pretty sober. The business men are cocky, have missed half their shots and like to show off their wealth. That’s the perfect combo.” The waitress brought their drinks and Dean reached into his wallet to pay, but Jody waved him off, handing her credit card over. “Thanks.” She nodded at him and took a sip of her beer.

 

Donna took a sip of her soda, still watching the men playing pool. “Can you show me how you do it?”

 

“Show you how I hustle pool?”

 

“Yeah. I’ve always been curious.”

 

He suddenly felt a little rush of shame. “It’s really not that interesting.”

 

“Come on. I can even help.”

 

“Help?”

 

She took another sip of her soda, sat up straighter and smiled brightly. “I can play pool.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Oh yeah. It was one of the only fun things I learned from Doug.” He bristled at that name, but that faded when she looked at him. No hurt over the mention of her ex. There was only excitement at the prospect of hustling some pool. 

 

“Okay. We can go try.” She clapped her hands and nearly jumped off the stool. “Jody, you wanna come along?”

 

“No thanks. You two have fun.” She gave Dean a little wink and he hoped that Donna didn’t see it. 

 

He took Donna’s hand and was relieved that she didn’t pull away. When they were a few feet from the pool table, he pulled her off to the side. He ran his hands through his hair, messing it up as much as possible. He untucked one side of his shirt and then looked Donna over. “Remember you can totally say no at any time.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Um...can you maybe...maybe lower one of the straps on your shirt.” She looked at him for a moment and he wanted to tell her it was okay, but then she slid the right one down revealing her bare shoulder. No bra strap. He wanted to ask if she was wearing one. Maybe a little strapless number. But instead he quickly looked her in the eye. “Perfect.” He grabbed her hand. “Now just follow my lead.” She tried to hide her excitement as he led her toward the pool table. 

 

Dean stumbled over to the table and leaned a hand on it. They both looked up at him. “Hey!” One had sandy blonde hair and the other guy had dark hair. They gave him the once over and then looked at Donna. Their eyes roaming her body and he instantly felt a different kind of heat rising up in him. He wanted to pull her away and he couldn’t help but turn a little bit to shield her. “Do you guys wanna play,” Dean slurred and got their attention back on him.

 

“Against you two?” They looked at each other and snickered. 

 

Dean shrugged. “Yeah. Why not?”

 

“Does she even know how to hit the ball?”

 

Donna laughed and picked up one of the balls on the table and pushed it across the felt. It hit another ball. “Like that, right?” She chuckled and put a hand on Dean’s arm. 

 

Dean smiled proudly and pulled out a twenty from his pocket.“We could make it interesting.”

 

The two men looked at each other, silent nods between them, and he knew he had them. Sandy haired guy looked back. “Rack ‘em.”

 

The first game went just as planned and Donna made it all the better. She would scratch the pool cue or knock the wrong ball into the pocket. They were just about to start their third game after having lost the first two. The bet was now up to one hundred. The cocky business men were snickering and way to smug for his liking. He couldn’t wait to wipe the floor with them. It was Donna’s turn to break and she turned to Dean, an adorable little pout on her face. She ran her hand along his collar. “Will you show me how to do it, baby?”  _ Jesus _ . He knew she was just playing along. Just working their marks, but damn if that word didn’t sound good coming out of her mouth.

 

He touched the side of her face, hoping he wasn’t crossing a line. She just smiled. “I can do that, sweetheart.”

 

Dark haired moron spoke up. “Hey! No, no, no. Instructions aren’t aloud.”

 

“Oh come on, man. It’s her first time ever breaking.”

 

They shook their head no.

Dean was about to tell them off, but Donna shook her head and turned to face the man. She leaned slightly forward, giving them a good little show. He had to resist the urge to pull her away. “Oh come on. Pretty please. Just for me.” She gave them a little pout and they both swallowed. 

 

Sandy haired guy gave up first. “Okay. Fine. But just this once.”

 

She winked and turned back to Dean, her cue stick in hand. He put his hands on her hips and gently positioned her feet  a little wider than shoulder-width apart and at a 45-degree angle. He placed one hand on her left hand, the other remaining on her hip. His front gently pressed against her back. “Okay, you want to position your right hand at the base of the stick and hold it tight.” She moved her hand down to the base. “Okay. Now, with your left hand  try putting your index finger on the top of the stick ,curving it, and put your thumb at the bottom of the stick.” He positioned her hand. 

 

She tilted her head slightly toward him. Her lips inches from his. He could smell the sweetness of the soda she had earlier and he wanted a taste. “Like that?” He didn’t trust himself to speak, so he nodded. She turned her head back to the table. “Now what?”

 

He had to shake his head and take just a tiny step back from the heat of her body. “Now focus on the cue ball” She concentrated and he tried to watch the table, but he could only watch her. Her body so close to his. The smell of her shampoo and lotion invading his brain. All his senses. He forced his eyes to the table, so he could concentrate. “Now focus on hitting it straight and with power.” She nodded. “Are you ready?” 

 

“Yes.” 

 

He leaned toward her ear. “Line the pool tip up with the cue ball.” She did just that. “Aim.” She leaned forward a little. “And hit.” She struck the cue ball just right and the balls went flying, two stripes going in. He was incredibly turned on. Too turned on. 

 

She smiled and did a little jump, turning back to Dean. She wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him.  _ She’s just playing along. She’s just playing along. _ She pulled back. “I did it.” 

 

He held on to her and smiled down at her and lowered his voice. “You were perfect.” Their smiles faded a bit and he looked from her lips to her eyes. Her eyes were darker and she licked her lips. She leaned a little closer. Just a couple more inches and he could taste her. 

 

One of the guys, he couldn’t tell you who, cleared their throat loudly,  “Hey, lovebirds. Can we get back to the damn game?” Dean took a step back from Donna and she quickly pulled away, turning back to the table. 

 

Her hands were shaking a little and he could see that her skin was flushed. But despite that she hit the next ball and then the next into the pocket. He could tell the marks were getting a little pissed. But Donna just shrugged. “I’m a quick learner.” She continued on until all that was left was the eight ball. She knocked that one in with ease. She grinned widely and then glanced back at Dean. He was still trying to recover from their near kiss and he was sure he looked wrecked. Her smile faltered a bit. 

 

He looked back at the guys and tried for his best cocky grin. “Like she said, she’s a quick learner.”

 

The guys were pissed and looked like they might start a fight. Donna reached into her back pocket and pulled out her badge. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

 

They still looked pissed, but managed to walk away. Dean turned toward her. “You were...you were amazing.”

 

“Yeah?” He nodded. “It was a lot of fun.” She chewed on her bottom lip and they stood there awkwardly for a minute. Donna finally broke the silence. “We should probably go back to the table. Make sure Jody’s okay.”

 

“Yeah.” They stood facing each other for a couple seconds longer and he was about to say something when she gave him a quick smile and headed back over to Jody. He let out a shaky breath and followed her.

 

* * *

 

They drove back to Donna’s house in relative silence. The soft hum of the radio the only constant noise. Dean would sneak occasional glances Donna’s way, but she never looked back. She would either be glancing out the passenger side window or looking straight ahead, her hand tapping in beat to whatever was on the radio. He felt a tension between them that was hard to put his finger on. No anger there or annoyance. He wanted to call it sexual. Wanted to name it desire. But he was afraid to do that. 

 

Lola greeted them at the door, tail wagging and grinning from ear to ear. She was wearing a pair of sunglasses and Dean wanted to be annoyed, but she looked too darn cute. They chuckled slightly at her appearance and they all took a couple of quick photos before Dean removed the sunglasses. They walked into the living room and surveyed the scene in front of them. Empty soda cans were littered on the coffee table and a half eaten bowl of popcorn was on the floor in between a sleeping Claire and Alex. Jody chuckled and kneeled down. “Hey, girls, time to get up.” They groaned and moved to their sides. 

 

“They can stay here, Jody,” Donna said. 

 

“I don’t want to be in your hair. We were gonna stay in a motel in town.” She gave a quick glance to Dean and he knew she was trying to give him some alone time with Donna. Maybe try and figure out a way to break the tension between them.

 

Donna shook her head. “A motel? Don’t be silly! I think I may have a blow up mattress somewhere or at least some sleeping bags.” 

 

Dean stepped in. “Why don’t you and the girls take the guest room? Lola and I can sleep out here.” 

 

“Dean, that’s really okay. We can stay at a motel.”

 

“No. I insist.” He looked down at the zonked out teenagers on the floor. “Besides, I think it might be easier to just move them to another room.” He gave a quick look towards Donna, hoping to see maybe some slight disappointment on her face. Sadly, she just looked tired. 

 

“Okay. Thanks.” She knelt down again in front of Claire and Alex and gave them both a little shake. “Come on girls, you guys lucked out and got a bed at Donna’s.”

 

They slowly opened their eyes, glancing around the room. They mumbled something and slowly stood, both practically asleep on their feet. Jody led them down the hall toward the guest room. Alex mumbled something about wanting Lola to come with them. Dean would’ve been okay with that and was going to say as much, but Jody just told her that Lola would not be sleeping in the same room with them. He heard their protests, but Jody just gave them a look and even in their sleep dazed brains they instantly let it go. 

 

Donna and Dean remained standing in the living room for an awkward moment before she mumbled something about getting sleeping bags and extra pillows for Jody and the girls. He stood there watching her quickly exit the room and feeling like he should’ve followed her. Should’ve checked to make sure everything was okay between them. He sat down on the couch and Lola came trotting over. He absently scratched behind her ear. 

 

Several minutes later, Donna came back into the room carrying a comforter, sheets and a pillow. He quickly stood up and took the pile from her arms. “You didn’t have to give me all of this.”

 

She smiled and glanced down at the couch. “It’s not that comfortable. Sorry.”

 

“It’s fine. I’ve slept on much worse.” They both made up the couch and she wished him a good night and started to walk away. He quickly grabbed her hand and she turned to face him. “Hey, are we okay?”

 

She plastered a strained smile on her face. “Of course. I’m just tired.” He could tell she was trying to appease him and he didn’t like it. He didn’t want her to feel like she had to protect him from how she was feeling. 

 

“Hey, it’s okay if you’re upset with me or if I crossed some line or-”

 

Her face drew up into a kind smile and she stepped a little closer to him. “You didn’t do anything, Dean.” She reached up to him and gave him a peck on the cheek. “You’re great.” 

 

“So are you.” She blushed slightly and continued to hold his hand. “And you’re a hell of a pool player.”

 

“Don’t forget hell of a bowler.”

 

He chuckled. “That too.” The tension seemed to be lifting a bit and he decided to try and keep it light. “I’ll definitely want to play pool with you as my partner again.” The weight of the words seemed a little heavier than he had intended. She smiled at him fondly and he felt like she wanted to say more. 

 

“I’d like that.” She took a step toward the hallway. “Goodnight, Dean.”

 

“Goodnight, Donna.” He watched her as she walked down the hall toward her bedroom. He let out a soft sigh as he heard the bedroom close. He wanted to go down there. Wanted to knock on the door and ask her if she felt it. If she felt this thing between them. Ask her if she wanted to be his partner in more ways than one. Wanted to pull her into a kiss and never let go. But instead he crawled under the comforter and went to bed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first time I have written Claire or Alex. Hope I did okay. Also, the song Faithfully is what inspired this part of the series. Hence the title.


	5. Pictures In the Snow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Donna enjoy a little snow day together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some disgusting fluff with some angst thrown in.

A cold, wet nose woke Dean up the next morning. He tried to push it away, but it was pretty insistent. Then he heard the faint whisper of Donna saying, “Let your daddy sleep, Lola.” Then the cold nose was gone and he tried to fall back asleep, but he could tell it wouldn’t be happening. He slowly opened his eyes. His legs were hanging slightly off the end of the couch and his neck was in a very awkward position. He was still wearing the jeans and shirt from the night before and the denim was poking into his side. When he went to sit-up he groaned. Man, he was getting old. He stood, stretching, and made his way to the bathroom. 

 

He stared at his disheveled appearance in the mirror. His hair was going in all different directions. He should probably change before he faced a house full of people. He snuck into the guest room, glad to find it empty, and grabbed another pair of jeans and a red plaid shirt. He took a quick shower and decided it was time to join the land of the living.

 

He followed the sounds of voices coming from the kitchen. Donna was standing at the stove whipping up breakfast and Jody, Claire and Alex were sitting around the table talking. Lola trotted over to him excitedly when she saw him in the doorway. “Hey, girl.” He gave her a scratch behind her ear. 

 

Jody grinned at him. “Morning sleepy head.”

 

“What time is it?”

 

“A little after nine.” He grimaced, looking at Lola and thinking she must be starving. 

 

Donna looked over at him and smiled. “Don’t worry, I already fed her.”

 

“Thank you.” He smiled warmly at her and walked over to the coffee pot. 

 

“I’m so glad you’re finally awake. That snoring was getting really old,” Claire said. The others snickered.

 

“But isn’t it an awfully manly snore, Claire?” Donna winked at him and he was glad to see that maybe that tension between them had fully lifted.  

 

Dean took a seat next to Jody. “So, what’s the plan for today?” It was his last full day in Stillwater. Donna had to be back at work tomorrow and he was planning on heading out then. As much as he loved Jody, he was a little disappointed that he may not be able to spend his last day here alone with Donna. 

 

Jody turned toward him. “There’s a snow storm moving in this afternoon, so we’ll be heading out shortly.” He couldn’t help but smile to himself. 

 

She looked between him and Donna. “So, what do you guys have planned for today?”

 

“Well, with the storm coming, maybe movies?” She looked at Dean with an apologetic expression. She had nothing to be sorry for. A day inside cuddled up on the sofa watching movies with Donna sounded like heaven to him. Of course the cuddling might not be an option, but a guy could dream. 

 

“That sounds great to me.” He took a sip of coffee. 

 

Donna served them all a nice plate full of eggs, hashbrowns and bacon. They chatted over the breakfast and when Claire and Alex were halfway through they pleaded with Jody to let them take Lola on a walk before they left. “Hey, not up to me. You have to ask Dean.”

 

He pretended to consider it for a minute before giving in and telling them yes. They got coats on and Donna joined them. Once they were gone, Jody turned her full attention to Dean. “So, you haven’t talked to her yet, have you?”

 

“There really hasn’t been a right time.” 

 

“If you’re waiting for that perfect time, it won’t happen.”

 

“I just don’t know if she...I don’t want to pressure her or scare her off.”

 

“You gotta stop with that self-loathing stuff, okay. You’re a great guy.” She put a hand on his. “Dean, just tell her. Trust me on this.”

 

She was looking at him with such an earnest expression that he was wondering what Jody might know that she wasn’t telling him. He felt a little glimmer of hope. Maybe some optimism. “Has she said something?”

 

“No. But the way she talks about you.”  _ She talks about me? _ “The way she looks at you. I don’t know. I say give it a shot. What’s the worst that could happen?” Oh she could tell him to get lost. Laugh at him. Tell him there was no way she would ever feel that way about him. Tell him that she could never love someone that sold his soul, became a demon and made a mockery of his life. 

 

The back door opened and Lola, Donna, Claire and Alex came walking in. Jody gave him a quick smile and turned her attention to them. “That was quick.”

 

“It’s flippin’ freezing out there,” Alex said. 

 

“Yeah, it looks like the storm might be moving in. You guys should get going soon.” 

 

They gathered their things together and Donna made them some sandwiches for the road. They said their goodbyes, the girls taking as many pictures of Lola as possible. Jody gave Donna a hug and thanked her for the hospitality. She turned to Dean and pulled him into a tight hug and whispered in his ear, “Take a chance, Dean.” She pulled back and gave him a gentle smile. They watched as their car pulled away. 

 

Donna glanced at him, a look on her face he couldn’t quite place. She quickly glanced back outside. “You know, maybe you should think about leaving early. I mean the snow is coming and I don’t want you to...you know, get stuck or anything.” 

 

He felt a part of his heart breaking with those words. Was she trying to get rid of him? Did he mess everything up before it even started? “Okay. If you want me to go, I understand.”  _ Although it may just shatter my soul. _

 

She quickly touched his arm. “Oh, no, I didn’t mean it that way at all I just...I didn’t want you to think that you had to stay because you said you would. I mean-”

 

“You know, I don’t know if I’ve ever really had a real snow day. And I’m sure Lola would like it.” Her face seemed to relax and she smiled.

 

Dean suggested that they go into town to stock up on some junk food for the storm and it was a nice surprise when Donna agreed without hesitation. She even got excited. They debated about whether or not to take Lola with them. Dean always hated leaving her behind, but in the end they decided that leaving her in the car while they ran in might be a little harder. He gave her several cookies before they left and told her he would be back soon. They took Donna’s jeep due to the snow tires. Although he insisted he had driven Baby through every kind of weather. Besides, it hadn’t even started snowing yet. She just gave her a pointed look and grabbed her keys. He knew not to argue. 

 

They piled their cart full of chips, candy, meat for hamburgers, more bacon, hot chocolate and huge marshmallows. It was awesome. By the time they got back to Donna’s jeep, it had started to snow. There was a light dusting on the street and Donna gave him a smug look. He crooked an eyebrow at her. “You call this snow? Baby could’ve made it through this no problem.” She rolled her eyes and got in the car. 

 

By the time they got home the snow had started to fall harder and the smug look returned to Donna’s face. “Yeah, yeah.” She laughed. 

 

Lola greeted them with an excited wag of the tail and a full body wiggle. They let her outside and unpacked their groceries. 

 

Donna had an extensive movie collection and they picked out a couple of classics from the eighties;  _ Back to the Future _ and  _ The Breakfast Club _ . He had groaned a little bit at  _ The Breakfast Club  _ suggestion, but secretly he just did it to see her adorable pout. A pout he would always give into. 

 

They filled up two mugs with hot chocolate and plopped in two huge marshmallows. He grabbed a bag of chips and they headed for the couch. Donna held both movies behind her back and had him pick one. By the sly grin on her face he knew they were in for a  _ John Hughes _ classic. He didn’t care which movie it was. He just wanted to be with Donna. Be near her as much as he could. Hear her laugh. Just be in the same vicinity. How was he ever going to leave?

 

When she settled back on the couch, she pulled a throw over them both. She smiled at him and pulled her legs up under the comforter. Her left knee was lightly touching his leg and he prayed she wouldn’t move. The heat from just that little touch was enough to drive him insane. He briefly wondered if he would ever survive an actual kiss from her. 

 

* * *

 

They were about halfway through the movie and Dean had forgotten to pay attention. He had been too busy watching her as she drank her hot chocolate. Watching her tongue as it would lick away bits of the drink. Her mouth as she bit into a marshmallow. Her full body laugh that he could feel through her knee that was still touching him. Every once in awhile he would divert his eyes to the screen. Offering a chuckle or a bit of commentary here and there, but his eyes would drift back to her. He needed get a grip.

 

She was pointing at the screen. “I can do that.” 

 

He quickly glanced at the screen, hoping he would catch what it was she was talking about. He grinned and crossed his arms. “You can put your lipstick on like that?”

 

“Yep. I was obsessed with this movie in high school. I practiced until I got good at.” 

 

He took a chance. “Show me?”

 

She looked at him and swallowed. “Really?” He nodded and reached over and grabbed the remote, pausing the movie. “Okay.” She jumped up and went to her room. He sat there trying to breath. Trying to calm his excitement. 

 

Donna returned a few seconds later with three tubes of lipstick in her hand. She held them out in front of him. “You choose.” 

 

He leaned forward and examined them. The first one was a shade of pink that reminded him of cotton candy. He scrunched up his nose and put that one aside. She looked like she wanted to protest, but she just let him go on. The second one was a deep brown. He picked that one up and studied it for a moment. It looked like her eyes and he was tempted to say yes to that one, but instead he set it aside. The last one. The last one was a deep burgundy, almost like wine. He held that one up to her and nodded. 

 

“Okay.” She took the throw off the couch and sat down, turning towards him. She crossed her legs. “I haven’t done this in years, so…” 

 

He turned his body toward her and watched as she pulled the front of her shirt down a little. He tried to breath. Tried to steady his heartbeat. She took the top off the lipstick and put it in her cleavage. Dean bit his lip. She bent her head forward and he watched as she moved her head in tiny directions. She lifted her head up and the lipstick was on perfectly. Now, he had never really put much stock into lipstick. He was fine either way really. But now, now he decided that lipstick just might be one of his favorite things. He clapped and gave her a big smile. “Even better than Molly.”

 

She gave him a smile full of sunshine and playfully hit him. “Oh shut-up. I’m not that good.”

 

“Oh, trust me. You are.” She blushed slightly and put the lipstick down, adjusting her shirt. Dean rubbed the back of his neck. “I...I can bend my fingers back and touch my hand.” She looked at him in ah. “I know it’s not as...nice as what you did, but-”

 

“Show me?” He nodded and proceeded to bend four of his fingers back on his left hand till they were touching the back of his hand. He then switched to the right hand and repeated the motion. “And it doesn’t hurt?”

 

“Nope.”

 

“That’s cool and kind of gross.” He cracked up. “I can name all of the past Presidents and Vice Presidents in alphabetical order.” 

 

“Show me?” And they continued on like that for a good hour, the movie all but forgotten. Dean showed her how he could make his eyes go cross-eyed. She showed him a little bit of ballet that she used to do. He showed her how to balance a full soda can when it was tilted to the side. When he ran out of tricks he could do, he showed her some of the things he taught Lola. She showed off until her internal clock told her it was time for dinner and she looked between them, her head pointed toward the kitchen. They got up and fed Lola, the snow was slowing down a bit and probably a full seven inches had fallen. Not the blizzard he was hoping for, but it was beautiful. 

 

Their stomachs had begun to rumble and they decided to make dinner. He grilled up the hamburgers and bacon and she cut up some toppings. He put a generous helping of chips on both plates and they sat down to eat. Donna groaned around a bite of the burger and he took a quick drink of water. “Seriously, Dean, you could’ve been a chef.”

 

“A chef? I don’t know about that.”

 

“Don’t sell yourself short. Making a perfect bacon cheeseburger is a real talent.”

 

“I used to cook for Sam all the time. Nothing like this though. Some stuff was pretty...exotic.”

 

“Like what?”

 

“Macaroni with marshmallow fluff.”

 

She scrunched up her nose in disgust and shook her head. “Yeah, don’t ever make me that.” 

 

“Hey, Sam liked it.” He smiled. “Of course, he was like seven.”

 

She laughed. “So, how are things with Sam?”

 

“Good. I mean he’s in love. Like head over heels. And Beth is really cool. I think you’d really like her.” He smiled and looked down at the table.

 

“That’s good. I mean I know that it isn’t easy with what you guys...what you’ve been through.”

 

“Yeah, it’s not really something we ever thought either of us could have.”

 

“Do you...do you ever think that maybe you could one day, maybe have that?” She looked at him, but she was trying to avoid his eyes. There was something in them. Something she was trying to say, but didn’t know how to.

 

He looked at her for a moment, trying to picture her moving into the bunker. It was the easiest thing to do. “Yeah, I do. Maybe.” He smiled. “I was actually very opposed to Beth moving in at first.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because it’s not always safe to be around us and if too many people know where the bunker is...who knows who wants that info?” 

 

“But you let me in the bunker?”

 

“Yeah, and I was very opposed to that too.” 

 

She gave him a soft smile. “You know I can take care of myself, right?”

 

“Yes. You can kick ass.” He crossed his arms. “It’s just...I care about you. You know you’re...you’re one of my closest friends and I couldn’t live with myself if…” He looked down at the table.

 

She leaned forward, setting a hand on his arm. “You can’t protect everyone.”

 

He looked up at her. “I can try.” They looked at each other for a few moments. Just breathing each other in. 

 

Donna glanced toward the window and smiled. “It stopped snowing.” He felt the disappointment in his bones. So much for being snowed in. She smiled, her eyes sparkling. “Let’s build a snowman!”

 

He chuckled. “A snowman?”

 

“Yeah, come on. It’ll be a blast.”

 

He pretended to think about it for a moment and then turned to her said, “Let’s do it.”

 

* * *

 

They gathered together the supplies to make the perfect snowman. A carrot stick for the nose of course. Some Dots candy to make the mouth. Donna didn’t have any coal lying around, so they grabbed some old buttons she had for the eyes. She went through her coat closet and pulled out an old gray scarf and a cowboy hat. They bundled up, even putting one of Donna’s old sweaters on Lola, and went outside. 

 

It was freezing, but once they started assembling the snowman he warmed up a bit. They rolled out the perfect base and Lola ran around the yard, eating snow. They continued to assemble the rest of the snowman, laughing the whole time. He couldn’t recall if he had ever really done this before. Maybe once before his mom died. Maybe during that snowball fight he had with his dad and brother. But nothing that left him with this warmth. This feeling of safety. He was in this bubble of normalcy that he never wanted to leave. 

 

 

Once they had assembled the the snowman they started decorating. Donna playfully hit him when he started eating the candy. They placed the scarf around his neck and the hat on top. Dean went to look for two branches for the arms. He placed them just right and he stood back looking at it. It was pretty damn awesome. Donna clapped her hands. “I’m gonna take a picture.” She ran inside to grab her phone. She made him pose in front of the snowman. He put his arm around it and leaned against it a little. He took a couple of her in front of it and then some of her and Lola. Then they finished it off with one of the two of them, there faces close together as they smiled. He made her send a couple of those to him. 

 

Donna took her phone back inside and Lola brought a ball to Dean. He threw it a couple of times until she got distracted by some smell. He started to realize how cold he was, and he was about to go back inside when he felt a wet smack against the back of his head. He turned to see Donna with a mischievous grin on her face. She held another snowball in her hand. “Oh, you’re in trouble now.” She threw the ball, and it hit his chest. He grabbed some snow and she ran, he quickly fired off one and hit her in the back. They threw a few more snowballs at each other, Lola even trying to catch a few. 

 

They both stood inches apart, snowballs in hand. “You wanna surrender, Winchester?” 

 

His hair was soaking wet and his nose was dripping, but he wasn’t about to give up yet. “Never.” He threw the ball, but she ducked and it hit the side of her house. 

 

“Ha!” She took a few steps toward him and he was trying to reach for more snow, but it was too late. She grabbed him around the waist and dropped the snowball on his head. “Gotcha!” They both started laughing as water slid down his face. 

 

He turned his head slightly, her arms still wrapped around his waist. They stopped laughing and she reached a hand up to his face, catching a drop of water before it landed in his eye. He choked out a thanks, but he wasn’t even sure if it was audible. The heat of her body making it hard for his brain to function. Donna stood a little taller and leaned toward him, they were closer than the night before. “Donna-”

 

She blinked and almost jumped back, letting go of him instantly. He couldn’t help but feel empty at the loss of her. It was like some spell had been broken and she couldn’t wait to get away from him. “I’m freezing! Let’s go inside.” She was at the door before he had time to catch up. 

 

They stripped their wet coats off and took Lola’s sweater off. That tension that had made its first appearance after the pool game was back, but there was a whole new layer to it. This layer of avoidance and guilt. She would barely look at him and he could see her hands shaking slightly. He wanted to soothe her. Tell her that everything was okay. That she could have him any way she wanted. He would take anything he could get. She gave him a quick glance, maybe just to check and see that he was still there, before she looked away again. “I grabbed some towels earlier. I’ll just go get them.”

 

“So, you were planning this, then?” He ached to lighten the mood. Ached to have her smiling again. 

 

He saw the start of a grin, her mouth trying to curve upwards, but it quickly went away replaced by that unsure look she had. He could see questions there. Questions she was afraid to ask or questions that she thought she already had the answer to. 

 

Donna grabbed a few towels off the kitchen table and brought them to them. She took a pink one and started drying Lola with it. “Donna, you don’t have to do that. I can just use one of my shirts or-”

 

She finally looked at him and gave him the brightest smile she could muster, which wasn’t much. He felt the pain in his heart from it and he had this sinking feeling that he had skipped some chapter in the story they were writing. “It’s an old towel anyway.” She finished drying her off and handed Dean a towel as she gently dried her own hair. When they were done she gathered all the towels together and mumbled something about getting them in the washer. He stood there, unable to move. Not sure of what he should even do. Something had happened. Something had changed and he had this deep fear that Donna didn’t like whatever it was.

 

After a few more minutes of standing there immobilized by his fear, he moved. He didn’t make it far. They hadn’t cleaned up their dinner and he decided to make himself useful. He put away the leftover food and quickly started cleaning the kitchen. He washed the counters. Made sure everything looked just perfect and then leaned against the sink. She still hadn’t come back and he had this absurd thought that she had left them there. 

 

He took a deep breath and decided to try and find her. Try and at least talk to her. Maybe they could watch another movie or just talk. Talk like they used to. He would promise her that he would never push the boundaries of their friendship again. Apologize to her until she would bless him with her forgiveness. 

 

When he walked into the living room he stopped in his tracks. Donna was sitting on the couch staring straight ahead. She looked scared to death and he hated himself for causing this. He swallowed and took a couple steps closer. “Donna?” She didn’t answer, she just continued to stare straight ahead. He thought maybe he should just leave. Just pack his stuff up and go, but his heart wouldn’t let him. 

 

He took a couple steps more and sat down on the couch next to her, leaving some distance between them. He reached his hand out, but then quickly set it down next to him. “Donna?” Once again she just continued to stare straight ahead, her eyes blinking quickly like she was sending out some signal he couldn’t understand. “Please say something. You’re scaring me.”

 

She closed her eyes tightly. “I’m so sorry.”

 

What the hell did she have to be sorry for? “Sorry?”

 

She opened her eyes and finally turned toward him. Her eyes were wet with unshed tears. “I took advantage of you.”

 

“Advantage?”

 

She shook her head, caught up in her own thoughts. “I mean not really or I was about to, but I just…” She looked at him and the guilt in her eyes broke his heart. I’m screwing this up.” 

 

“What? Donna-”

 

“You’re my best friend. I’ve shared more with you than anyone and you trusted me with so much.” She looked down, embarrassment taking over a little bit of the guilt. “I’m sorry if I’ve made you uncomfortable.”

 

“Uncomfortable? Donna, you haven’t done anything wrong.” He tried to reach out to her, but she pulled back.

 

“You’re going through all this...all this...you’re trying to get better and I...you’re vulnerable and I shouldn’t be trying to do anything when you’re..” She closed her eyes again and let out a sigh. “I almost kissed you out there and last night and you’re my friend and you need a friend.”

 

How could she not see that he was the one that almost kissed her. He was the one that had fallen so hard. “Donna-”

 

It was like she was in this whirlwind and he couldn’t reach her. She just kept going. “I just...you’re here and you make me feel so beautiful and happy and like I could do anything. I know that I’m not who you usually even look at or whatever and I know you’re going through a lot right now and you’ve been going through a lot and I-”

 

He took her hand and she quieted, looking at him again like she was shocked that he would touch her. He put his other hand on top of hers and held her steady. “Donna, you weren’t alone out there just now or last night. I wanted to kiss you too. Probably a lot more than you wanted to kiss me.” She knitted her brow and he could see that she wasn’t sure of the words he was speaking. “You haven’t done anything wrong. Not a thing. You’ve been the greatest friend to me over the past year. You’ve listened to me better than anyone else has. You’ve stayed up for hours on the phone with me and made me laugh and you even read my writing. And you didn’t run screaming.” He smiled. 

 

“You’re not upset with me?”

 

“No. I’m the furthest thing from upset. When I’m around you it’s the only time that...that I can get some peace from that voice inside my head that tells me I’m a monster. Tells me that I should be...you make that voice go quiet for awhile.” He touched the side of her face. “I’m sorry if I made you think that I was upset with you.”

 

She let out a soft chuckle and it was the best sound he had heard in years. “Maybe we should stop apologizing so much.”

 

“Might not be that bad of an idea.” He felt her relax. Saw some of the guilt leave her face and he felt the relief coursing through him. He caressed her hand softly with his thumb. “For the record, you’re exactly who I would look at. You’re beautiful inside and out. That’s my type. But I need you to know something. I would never want you to feel like you had to do anything you were uncomfortable with or anything you think you would regret.” He gave her a bright smile and tried to convey everything he couldn’t say with it. “As long as I have you in my life, I don’t care.”

 

She squeezed his hand and looked down for a moment. He could see some sort of question spinning in her mind and he wanted to ask her what it was. Wanted to tell her that he would say yes to whatever request she had. She took a deep breath and looked back at him. “Can we maybe just sit here and watch some stupid movie and just be us?”

 

He felt a little flutter of relief in his chest. “I would love that.” They put in  _ Back to the Future _ and settled back on the couch. Donna curled up next to him, laying her head down on his shoulder. He placed his arm around her, squeezing her shoulder and placing a soft kiss on the top of her head. Maybe it wasn’t everything he desired at that moment, but it was still perfect. 

 


	6. All Through The Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Donna take their relationship to the next level.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some very fluffy and sweet smut ahead. Really more romantic and fluffy than smutty. If you don't want to read that part, you can skip to the first page break. Enjoy and thanks for reading. :)

They were about halfway through the movie when Dean felt his eyes drooping. He tried to fight back the sleep that was trying to overtake him, but his eyes started to shut and his head slowly fell backwards. Then there was a clank as his head hit a hard surface. That jolted him awake. “Fuck!” He felt Donna chuckling into his shoulder. “You laugh now, but just wait till you find out I have a concussion.” He took his left hand and rubbed the back of his head. 

 

She lifted her head up and sat back on her knees, her legs beneath her. She was still chuckling, but trying her best to fight it. “I’m sorry.”

 

“Yeah, I can feel the sympathy pouring off of you.” He tried to keep a scowl on his face, but he felt the corners of his mouth quirking up.

 

She reached a hand up and softly touched the back of his head, her fingers carding through his hair. He took in a deep breath, the smell of her filling his senses. “Do you need me to kiss it and make it better?” The mirth was still there, but then their eyes met and the teasing in her eyes started to fade.

 

He looked at her mouth briefly, before reaching out and touching the side of her face, running his thumb across her cheek. Now was as good a time as any to be brave. To take a chance. He licked his lips and said, “yes.”

 

He saw her eyes darken slightly and felt his pulse quicken. She inched closer to him, her knees now touching his leg. She set a hand on his hip and he leaned closer. Their mouths were less than an inch apart, but this time instead of pulling back Donna just smiled and closed the distance between them. 

 

It was a sweet kiss. Gentle and tender. Nothing but her soft lips briefly touching his. But to him it was the best kiss of his life. It ignited something inside him. Something that had been on simmer since he wrote that letter. Probably since he had met her. Their mouths parted and they locked eyes, smiling. He closed the distance this time, and Donna opened her mouth slightly, inviting him in. He tasted her lips, her mouth. Tasting every inch. Savoring the sweetness. They sat like that for a few minutes. Just exchanging languid, sweet, lovely kisses. 

 

He would’ve been happy to just kiss her like this for hours. Days. But then she pulled away slightly and moved her legs to straddle his lap. She cupped his face in her hands, gave him a sexy little grin and kissed him again. This time there was something else in there. A hunger. A need. A want and he felt himself hardening beneath her. One, or probably both of them, moaned and she rocked herself slightly forward and it was like a fire started. He could feel his skin getting hotter by the minute and when she moved her hands under the hem of his shirt, barely touching him with the tips of her fingers, he actually whimpered. She pulled her mouth from him and started placing open-mouthed kisses down his jaw and towards his neck. He felt like a live wire about to explode and Donna seemed intent on lighting the final match. Her hands were tightening on his waist and then she decided to nibble right behind his ear and he knew it would be over too quickly. He didn’t want his first time with Donna to be this way. Didn’t want it quick and dirty on the couch while Marty McFly was on in the background droning on about the delorean. 

 

“Donna..” She kept the assault on his neck. “Jesus…” He pushed slightly on her hips and she finally looked up at him. “Baby you have to stop.” She stared at him for a moment and he saw the confusion, fear and rejection cross her face. He gave her a reassuring kiss. “I want this. I do. More than anything. I just…” He had an idea. “Here, put your arms around my neck and hold tightly.” She did as instructed. He wrapped his arms around her back. “I’m gonna stand now. Okay?” She nodded and he gave her a quick kiss before standing up. 

 

It wasn’t as fluid as he would’ve liked. He stumbled a little and heard Donna let out a small giggle, but eventually he got it. He stood with her in his arms and she wrapped her legs tightly around his waist. Yeah, it didn’t necessarily help with the ever growing arousal, but he could get them somewhere else. She looked at him. “Are you okay?”

 

“Amazing.” His voice already rough and ragged. He gave her a quick kiss before he started carrying her toward her bedroom. 

 

He slowly set her down, giving her a quick kiss and closed the door behind them. They stood there looking at each other for a few minutes. Studying. Taking each other in. He broke it when he remembered what was missing. He felt like an idiot. “You know what, I’ll be right back I just have to get something from my-” 

 

She grabbed his arm and he stopped. “Bedside table.” He gave her a sly grin and she looked down. “Do you think less of me now?”

 

He shook his head, lifting her chin. “Nope. More.” He gave her a sweet, slow kiss.

 

She ran her hand up the front of his shirt, her fingers pausing on the buttons. Their lips parted and she looked down. “Can I?” He nodded and watched as she slowly undid each button. Taking her time like she was afraid this would be her only chance. When she got done with the last one, he helped her take the shirt off and tossed it on the floor. She placed her hand on his shoulder, tracing the freckles there. She looked up at him and smiled while she ran her fingers slowly down his arm, stopping when she reached the spot where the Mark had been. He saw the sadness flicker across her face and he braced himself for something. Maybe her remembering who he had been. What he had done. Instead, she leaned forward and placed a tiny kiss there. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. 

 

She looked back up at him, her eyes full of want and need. But underneath it all was something else. Something he wasn’t ready to name yet, but he would call affection. She moved her hands to the hem of his shirt, her fingers brushing against his skin. She looked at him again and he lifted his arms. She pulled the undershirt off and took a tiny step back, her eyes surveying his chest. They would pause at each scar. At his tattoo. Every mark. It should have made him uncomfortable. Should have made him self-conscious. But he felt none of that. 

 

She placed her hand on top of his heart and he was sure she could feel it beating so fast it might burst. She moved forward and pressed several soft kisses along his chest, over to his tattoo, along each scar. He ran his fingers through her hair as she moved further down. She kissed him right above his belly button, her hand softly caressing his hips. He let out a low, breathy chuckle. She gave him one last kiss and stood, her hand at the button of his jeans. She paused for a moment, looking at him like she was dreaming. Like he was perfect. He didn’t feel worthy. She leaned up and gave him a soft kiss. He opened his mouth slightly and she licked his lips, tasted a little and then pulled back. She gave him a quick wink and started to undo his jeans. He helped her slide them off and she tossed them across the room. She ran a hand down his chest, belly and along the edge of his boxers. She dipped one finger under the band and slid it across the skin there. He closed his eyes and felt himself jerk forward slightly. She let out a breathy chuckle and then smiled sweetly. “You’re so perfect.”

 

He needed to kiss her. He needed it like he needed air. He licked his lips and gently pulled her towards him till their lips crashed together. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her closer. Needing to touch every part of her at once, but there was too much in the way. He pulled himself away from her mouth. They were both breathless. He looked down at her and grinned. “You’re wearing far too many clothes.” He reached his hand down and was about to ask for permission, when she gently swatted his hand away and took a step back. He wanted to protest. Wanted to tell her it was only fair. But then she started to take off her shirt and he saw something in her eyes that told him that this was important. This was something Donna didn’t normally do. This was a gift he was being given and he wasn’t about to return it. So he watched with something close to wonder as she lifted her shirt over her head and tossed it on top of his. He felt his breath catch when he took her in. She wasn’t in anything fancy, just a plain, white bra, but it was the sexiest thing he had ever seen. 

 

He saw her hands shaking as she reached for the button of her jeans. “You’re beautiful, Donna. Absolutely beautiful.” She grinned and it seemed to do the trick. She slowly removed her pants and stood there. Presented in front him. It was the greatest gift he had ever been given. Then he saw it. A tiny butterfly tattoo just above her hip. He grinned and saw that there was another one near it. The anti-possession tattoo. He felt a warmth go through him and he took two steps forward and reached out to touch her. He ran a hand down her arm. “So gorgeous.” He leaned forward and kissed her right behind her ear. He whispered, “so sexy.”  He kissed down her neck. “I’m the luckiest man in the world.” He felt her soft giggle. He stopped at her shoulders. He wanted to comment about how maybe they had matching freckles. That maybe they should take the time to compare. But he could do that later. He planted a few kisses, slowly pushing her bra strap down. He reached behind her, undoing the clasp and he took a little step back to let it fall to the floor. He may have moaned. May have growled. Maybe a combo of both. He just knew he was blessed. 

 

He kissed her everywhere he could reach and thrilled when she arched her back in response. Groaned when she ran her fingernails up his back. Gave himself a mental pat on the back when she asked for more and maybe fell a little in love when she moaned his name. 

 

He walked them backwards till the back of Donna’s knees hit the bed. They both made quick work of their underwear and she crawled back onto the bed. He hovered above her for a moment, just admiring the view. Every beautiful curve a canvas he planned to explore. He gave her one quick kiss before reaching over to her bedside table. He made a little noise of victory when he found the condom. She giggled slightly and he placed it on before returning to her. “Are you ready?”

 

“Yes.” With that he lowered himself down to her. He kissed her slow and long as they finally came together. They fit perfectly together and they moved slowly at first. Finding the right rhythm. The right tempo. He peppered her with kisses when he could and praise when he was able to speak. She gave him the same in return and he felt a little bit of triumph flow through him when he heard her mutter a curse word. Felt her teeth gently bite down on his shoulder. 

 

Their movements became more erratic as they neared the crescendo. She reached hers first and he delighted in watching her face change as she climaxed. It was the final straw for him. The thing that pushed him over the edge and into the sweet abyss that was all Donna. He gave her a slow and loving kiss as they came down from their high.

 

He moved to her side and pulled her closer to him, giving her a quick and sweet kiss. They fell asleep shortly after, her head on his chest and his arms around her. Holding her as close as possible. 

 

* * *

 

He woke a couple of hours later to the sound of soft scratches at the door. He felt a little bit of panic at the noise. His hunter instincts kicking in. But then it came again, followed by a soft whimper; Lola. Poor dog. Donna’s head was on his chest, her hair fanned across him. He didn’t want to move her, but he couldn’t leave Lola out there. He carefully lifted her head and placed it down on the pillow. She grumbled a little, but soon she curled up on her side and remained sleeping. 

 

He got out of bed as quietly as possible and opened the door. Lola came bounding in, her tail going about a hundred miles an hour. It was smacking loudly on the wall and he moved her quickly away from there whispering, “Shhh...Donna’s sleeping.” He gave her a few scratches behind the ear and a quick kiss on the head. He headed back toward the bed, Lola right behind him. He stopped. “No bed tonight.” She hesitated for a moment, looking at the bed and then back at him. “Sorry.” She finally gave in and curled up on the floor right next to him. 

 

He climbed back under the covers and glanced over at Donna, her back to him. He watched as her shoulders moved slightly with each breath she took in. His eyes followed the curvature of her neck as it met her shoulder blades. She looked so peaceful. So beautiful. He had never wanted anyone as much as he wanted her. It took his breath away. Caused a flare of fear to shoot through his veins. He tried to shut that out. Just bask in this moment. In just being with her.

 

He curled up on his side next to her and placed one arm around her waist. She smiled and touched his arm. He gave her a soft kiss on the cheek and went back to sleep.

 

Lola had ignored his no bed rule. When he woke up it wasn’t Donna’s face he saw, but Lola’s. She had found a way to sneak in between Dean and Donna, her head somehow on both pillows. She was snoring softly and he had to giggle a little. She slowly opened her eyes and gave him a kiss on the face. He wiped his face with the back of his hand and he could’ve sworn the smile on her face had a little laughter behind it. Then she started to stand up and hovered over Donna. He tried to stop her, but it was too late. She was showering Donna’s face with kisses. “Dean, I may like tongue, but that’s a little much.” He lost it and started laughing. She slowly opened her eyes and saw Lola. 

 

“So, you like tongue?” 

 

She covered her face with her arm. “Oh, God.”

 

“Because I can definitely take care of that for you.”

 

“Shut-up.” 

 

He moved closer to her, hovering over her. “I mean I usually like morning kisses, but I wouldn’t be opposed to morning licks.”

 

She pushed his face away with her hand and he couldn’t resist. He licked her palm and she quickly pulled it away. “Gross! You and your dog, man.”

 

He chuckled. “Sorry about Lola. She was supposed to stay on the floor.”

 

Donna looked at her and started petting her. “It’s okay. Other than the tongue part, it’s kind of nice.” He gave her a goofy smile and he was sure he looked like an idiot. But he was happy. So damn happy. She chuckled a little. “What?”

 

“Nothing, just-” He leaned over and gave her a kiss. Not caring about morning breath. “Morning.”

 

“Morning.” 

 

He ran a hand down her arm and looked back at Lola. She was staring at him expectantly. “I better get her breakfast.” He placed a quick peck on her arm. “I’ll start breakfast for us too.”

 

“With lots of coffee.”

 

“You got it.” He threw back the blanket and started to get up. “Come on Lola.” He bent over to pick up his boxers and heard a low moan escape Donna’s lips. He grinned to himself and slowly turned around. “See something you like?” She shrugged, but the blush on her cheeks gave her away. He made a show of putting his boxers on very slowly and he caught her biting her lip and maybe even a muttered  _ Jesus _ . That gave his morning arousal a run for it’s money and he was tempted to jump right back into bed, but instead he chuckled and gave her a quick wink. She threw a pillow at him. “Go make that coffee, Winchester.” 

 

“Yes ma’am.” He laughed and headed toward the kitchen. 

 

Once he gave Lola her breakfast and let her out, he decided to make some pancakes, but only after grabbing an apron Donna had. He didn’t really feel like having any hot oil splatter on his chest. The front was a picture of a cow and a basket of eggs. How those two went together, he didn’t know. But it did make him chuckle. He wrapped it around his waist and got to work. 

 

“That apron looks good on you.” He glanced over to see Donna leaning against the door, watching him. She was wearing his red plaid shirt, her hair down and pooling around her shoulders. 

 

He gave her a once over and felt his skin flush. She started walking toward him. “That shirt. I think you should keep it.”

 

She put her arms around his waist. “Yeah?” He looked down at her and gave a quick nod. She smiled and gave him a quick kiss. “The pancakes are gonna burn.” She quickly let him go and he flipped them over. 

 

“How many would you like?”

 

She sat down, with a mug of coffee in her hand. “Hm...I’m thinking three.” 

 

“You got it.” He finished making her stack of pancakes and set them down in front of her. Waiting for just a moment to see her take one bite and listen to her moan around the fork. That definitely stirred something inside him. He turned back to the stove whispering, “Yeah, definitely developing a kink.”

 

“What was that?”

 

“Nothing.” He poured more batter on the skillet. “So...when do you have to be at work?” He was dreading the question and he had already sent a text to Sam to let him know he’d be heading out later. He was hoping that wasn’t in vain.

 

“Um…” She glanced up at the kitchen clock. It was a little after nine. “About an hour ago.”

 

“Shit. I’m sorry I should’ve-”

 

“Don’t worry about it. I already called them and told them I wouldn’t be in till late this afternoon.” She grinned at him, popping a piece of pancake into her mouth. 

 

“Good.” He platted a few pancakes for himself, took the apron off and sat next to Donna. He could feel her eyes on him as he popped a few bites into his mouth. He wondered if she had the same little food kink he had somehow developed. He flicked his tongue out to catch a stray drop of syrup and heard her sigh. He chuckled softly and glanced over at her. 

 

She blushed a little and quickly looked away. “Sorry.”

 

“It’s okay. It doesn’t bother me.”

 

“It’s just...forget it.” She took a bite of her breakfast.

 

“What?”

 

“It’s silly.”

 

“I promise not to laugh.” She looked at him like she thought that was a promise it would be hard for him to keep. “I swear. No laughing.”

 

She considered him for a moment and then set down her fork. “It’s just...I can’t believe I’m sitting here eating pancakes with a half-naked Dean Winchester.”

 

The corners of his mouth started to turn up in a smile, but he kept all laughter at bay. “Would you rather it be a fully naked Dean Winchester?”

 

She looked down and there was a little grin on her mouth that made him think the answer was yes, but she was too shy to say it. “No. I just...now you have to remember that you said you wouldn’t laugh.”

 

“I promise.”

 

She took a deep breath and looked up at him. “I’ve...I’ve kind of had this like crush on you since...well, since we first met and I...well, it’s kind of like a dream come true to have you...I mean...you know what I mean.” She shook her head and looked away, blushing furiously. 

 

He reached his hand out and took her hand in his. She looked up at him. “It’s a dream come true for me too.” She smiled so brightly at him that he thought his heart might truly burst. 

 

She stood up and took two steps toward him and sat down on his lap. He wasn’t expecting it, but it certainly was a nice surprise. She ran a hand through his hair and looked at him like he was some prize she won and he didn’t know what to do with that. She licked her lips and leaned down and gave him a proper kiss. He could taste the pancakes on her lips and he licked off some stray bits of syrup. She ran her fingers through the fine hairs at the nape of his neck and he groaned. That arousal starting to come back again. She pulled back and started placing kisses along his jaw. “You know you keep this up and you may just get that naked Winchester at your table.” She chuckled against his skin and it sent a tingle up his spine. 

 

She placed a few more kisses along his neck and glanced back at the table. “I’ve never actually tested it before, but the table is pretty sturdy.” Oh yeah, that definitely did it. He liked this Donna. This flirty, sexy and confident Donna. Yeah, he liked it a lot.

 

He leaned forward and placed a few kisses on her neck and down to where the flannel was open just above the chest. “You wanna test it out.” He growled and gave her a couple of love bites at the base of her throat. She moaned and threw her head slightly back. “I mean I can show you how good I really can be with my tongue.” He emphasised the words by running his tongue down her throat and kissing her. She sighed and ran her fingers through his hair. He was getting ready to lift her up on the table, when he felt her shaking. He pulled back quickly and looked up at her, she was looking away but he saw her shoulders shaking slightly. She was crying. He didn’t know what he had done to suddenly make things change, but he was going to make it better.

 

He moved her hair back and tried to get her to look at him. She continued to glance away. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Hey, it’s okay. Can you look at me sweetheart?”

 

She let out a couple of shaky breaths and turned to him, her eyes wet with unshed tears. “Real sexy, huh?”

 

He pushed back the hair from her face and lightly caressed her cheek. “What’s goin’ on?”

 

“I don’t want you to go.”

 

“Hey, I’ll be back okay. I’m just a quick nine hours away. Not even half a day. And you can come to the bunker anytime you want.”

 

“Yeah. I know.” She tried to give him a smile, but he saw the struggle in it.

 

“It’ll be okay.” He tried to pour as much conviction as possible into it, but a part of him wondered if it really would be. That pessimistic part that occupied almost all of his brain was calling him a liar. Telling him this would all fall apart. But he had to make her believe it. He had to. “I swear.”

 

She still didn’t look entirely convinced, but she did give him a small smile and the tears seemed to be slowly going away. “Sorry I ruined the moment.

 

He shook his head. “Nothing to apologize for. We’ll have plenty of moments.”

 

She nodded and hugged him. He held on to her tightly and tried to wish away the bad thoughts. 

 

* * *

 

When they finished in the kitchen they decided they needed a shower. Donna was the one to suggest they take one together and there was no way he was going to say no to that. He washed her hair and she washed his and then they started kissing. The kissing soon moved on to them trying to prove that shower sex was not as complicated as he had previously thought. They failed and ended up in a fit of giggles. They stayed there until the water was on the edge of freezing. 

 

By the time they got dressed and made their way out of the bathroom it was nearly noon. Donna would be heading out in a couple of hours and so would he. It lingered in the air like this bubble of doom that was threatening to break at any moment and come crashing down on top of them. He would go to the bunker and find something to hunt. Go back to therapy. Go back to being the big brother. A hero or whatever he was. She would go back to being a sheriff, with the occasional hunt mixed in. The sadness of it overwhelmed him and suddenly a nine hour drive felt like fifty.

 

He was sitting on the sofa, Donna’s head in his lap. Some silly show on the television. He was absently playing with her hair and trying not to focus on that damn bubble. When Donna spoke it almost startled him. “I have an idea,” she said.

 

He ran his fingers through her hair and heard her let out a contented sigh. “Does it involve you, me and your love of tongue?”

 

She chuckled and looked up at him. “No. You’re not gonna let that go, are you?”

 

“Not until I get to show you that hidden talent I have.” He winked down at her and she quickly looked away.

 

She flushed a little and he saw her swallow and he could have sworn he felt her pulse race slightly. She steadied herself and continued on. “Anyway, I think we should run away together.”

 

“Run away?”

 

She grinned. “Yeah. You, me, Lola and the open road.”

 

“You mean like hunting?”

 

She shook her head. “No. We could do whatever we wanted.” She smiled wistfully. “Maybe you could be a short order cook somewhere and I could be a waitress. And at night we could hustle pool.”

 

He felt himself falling into the fantasy. “And we’d have our aliases.”

 

“Well of course.”

 

“I’d be Dean Perry.”

 

“Naturally.” She chuckled a little and her grin grew. “And I’d be Donna Nicks.”

 

“I love it. And Lola...well, she would stay Lola.”

 

“Yeah. She’s already rock ‘n roll enough.”

 

He smiled to himself. “We could just set a map out and pick a new destination with our eyes closed. Not because of some hunt. Not because it was where we had to go. But-”

 

“-because it’s where we wanted to go.”

 

“Yeah.” They stayed silent for a few minutes. Both lost in the fantasy. 

 

Donna finally broke it. He felt her let out a long sigh. “But we can’t do that, can we?”

 

He glanced away, wishing he could say yes. Sam would be okay. Cas would too. But he knew who he was and he couldn’t do that. “No. I guess we can’t.”

 

“I know.” She ran a finger along his knee. 

 

“It’s okay. It’ll be okay.” But he wasn’t so sure it would be.

 

* * *

 

It was time to leave. Luckily, or not so luckily depending on how you looked at it, the sun had been out all morning and the streets were plowed. Donna still told him that he could turn around if it was too bad out. He felt himself saying a quick wish for that and he guessed she was too. He packed his car with Lola’s food and his duffel. Donna told him he could take the dog bed and toys, but he said he would leave them there for next time. He saw the sadness in her eyes at those words and he knew she was scared. He was too. They kissed one last time and then he hugged her. Holding on to her as tight as he could. 

 

He let go and pulled back a little. He painted on the bravest smile he could muster. “I’ll see you.”

 

“See you.” He walked to his car, his feet feeling like lead. He put Lola in the back and walked around to the driver’s side. He waved to her and gave her a quick smile before getting in the car. He pulled out of her driveway and felt his heart breaking slowly. Lola looked out the back window. Back at Donna. Back at normalcy. Back at that bubble that was about to burst.

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't written smut, especially sweet smut, in like two years. Hope it was okay. I had a lot of fun writing it and the whole chapter. It's been so much fun writing this part as it has felt a little lighter. But prepare for some rough times ahead. <3


	7. Back to Reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean returns to the bunker and to hunting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a set-up chapter to bridge some things to come. No big bumps yet. Also, first time I've really written a lot of text messages. Can't find any clear guideline for that, so hopefully it all flows okay. :)

Dean almost turned around about a hundred times. There was no case on the horizon. No big, looming apocalypse. Why should he go back now? It would be so easy to make a u-turn. Knock on Donna’s door and pull her into a tight embrace. Tell her they had all the time in the world. He could call Sam and tell him if any emergencies happened he could call him, but for the time being he was on vacation. Some sort of long sabbatical. But he never turned the wheel. Never headed back. He had an obligation.

 

When he got to the bunker he pulled off to the side of the road instead of going into the garage. He looked out the window and surveyed the surroundings. All the things he had started to see more with each walk he took Lola on. He glanced into the backseat. She was sleeping soundly. Had been for the last hour or so. He watched her breathing in and out and listened to that sweet sound that he had gotten so used to. It was like a lullaby for his soul.

 

He pulled out his cell phone and sent a quick text to Donna, letting her know he had made it back safely. He held the phone in his hands for a few moments, waiting for a reply. Maybe a text begging him to come back. Telling him reality could wait for awhile. But nothing came. He reminded himself that it was after midnight and she was probably asleep. After waiting for five minutes, he put his phone back, took a deep breath and pulled into the bunker’s garage.

 

Lola’s head perked up when she heard the engine cut off. She looked over the back seat and glanced around. He heard her tail wagging a bit and thought, _well, at least somebody’s glad to be home_. He got out of the car and let Lola out. She ran to the door, looking back at him with a smile. He took a deep breath and made his way inside.

 

He was expecting silence. Maybe darkness. Everyone turned in for the evening. But instead he was greeted by a harried Sam, laptop in hand. “Hey, Dean. How was your trip?”

 

“It was really good. I kind of-”

 

“That’s great, man. Look we have a case in Colorado that we need to head out to, like now.”

 

“Now?”

 

“Yeah, sorry. You can sleep on the way, but Beth is sick and-”

 

Beth walked into the room, coughing. “It’s just a little cold.”

 

“You have a fever.”

 

“So, I can do it. Let Dean get some sleep.”

 

He looked her over and saw how pale her face was. “It’s okay. I can go.” She gave him an apologetic smile and Sam ushered her back to bed. He muttered to himself, “Welcome home, Dean.”

 

The next half hour was a flurry of activity with Cas and Sam trying to catch Dean up. Apparently the small town of Deer Trail, Colorado had been experiencing a lot of strange deaths in the last month. One drowning by glass of water. A case of spontaneous combustion and quite a few other odd deaths. About a dozen to be exact. They wanted to get into town by morning so they could speak with the local sheriff.

 

He hated doing it, but he decided to leave Lola behind. She had already been in the car for awhile and since someone was already staying behind, it just made more sense. She tried to follow him out the door, but he told her to stay and take care of Beth. She cocked her head to the side and gave him the pout that usually got her an extra cooke. He apologized and hurried out the door before he had a chance to change his mind.

 

They were piling into the car when Dean heard his phone buzzing. He pulled it out and saw a text from Donna. He gave a soft smile. Sam motioned to his phone. “Who's texting you?”

 

“Um...it’s Donna.” He wanted to tell him everything. Shout it from the rooftops. But it didn’t seem like the time and truth was he was a little nervous. A nervousness he couldn’t quite explain. “She just wanted to make sure I got home okay.”

 

Sam considered him for a moment. Probably deciding whether or not there was more to what he was saying, but he just shrugged and opened the driver’s side door while Cas opened the back door.

 

Dean glanced back at his phone again and then looked back up. “You know what guys, I’m exhausted. Why don’t I take the back seat?” They both stared at him like he had lost his mind. He just opened the back door and climbed in and after a minute Cas and Sam got in.

 

It was a little weird being in the back and he realized he had forgotten to take out the dog seat cover. But he didn’t mind. It made him feel like a part of Lola was with him. Once they were pulling out of the garage, Dean took out his phone and read the text again.

 

 **Donna** : _I never realized how big my bed was till tonight. Miss u!_

 

Sam and Cas were up front still discussing the case and every once in awhile he would add in an affirmative grunt.

 

 **Dean** : _Miss u too. <3 _

 

He thought the heart might be a bit much, but hell he could be romantic if he wanted to.

 

He smiled and set his phone down and tried to get comfortable in the back seat. Truth was he was exhausted. A couple minutes later his phone buzzed again.

 

 **Donna** : _Wow, no comment about the bed, Winchester. Hm...had your fill of Stillwater chicks already?_

 

He chuckled and Sam and Cas glanced back at him. He guessed maybe the laugh came at an inappropriate time. “Sorry, I was looking at a silly cat video.”

 

Sam groaned and he was pretty sure he rolled his eyes. “Seriously, Dean.”

 

Cas on the other hand seemed incredibly interested. “Can I see?”

 

“Um...lost connection. Sorry bud.”

 

Sam cleared his throat, “As I was saying…”

 

Dean tuned him out. He’d gotten the gist of it and his head was somewhere else.

 

 **Dean** : _I haven’t even come close to having my fill. Still need to test out that kitchen table. ;)_

 

He stared at his phone for several minutes and saw nothing. He briefly wondered if maybe that was a bit too much. But then his phone buzzed again.

 

 **Donna** : _What are you wearing?_

 

He felt his stomach do a little flip-flop. _That was definitely the start of phone sex, right?_   _Was it phone sex when you were texting? No it was called-_ The buzzing of his phone interrupted his thoughts.

 

 **Donna:** _Sorry, that was probably weird, right?_

 

 **Dean:** _No. It was awesome, but I’m not at home._

 

 **Donna:** _Where are you?_

 

 **Dean:** _Driving. Or Sam is. Going to Colorado._

 

The case talk from the front had thankfully stopped and now Cas and Sam were discussing some book they had both been reading. His phone buzzed again.

 

 **Donna:** _Hunting?_

 

 **Dean:** _Yeah._

 

There was a long pause and he felt like the last bit of bubble that may have been with her had burst. He wondered if maybe she had come to her senses and realized that she was just too good for him. The thought caused his heart to ache in a way it hadn’t since he had said goodbye to Lisa and Ben. The buzzing of his phone took him out of his thought.

 

 **Donna:** _Be safe._

 

 **Dean:** _I will._

 

 **Donna:** ‘ _Night Dean._

 

 **Dean:** ‘ _Night Donna._

 

He set the phone down and sighed. His phone buzzed again and he nearly choked when he read the next message.

 

 **Donna:** _BTW, I’m wearing your shirt and nothing else. ;)_

 

“Jesus,” he muttered and cursed this damn job.

 

Cas and Sam glanced back at him and Cas said, “What’s wrong?”

 

He quickly put his phone away and smiled. “Nothing. Just another cat video.”

 

Cas looked at him like he was a little disappointed that Dean had lied about losing reception. He scowled and turned back to the front.

 

He put the phone away and laid back on the seat, looking at the roof of the car and tried to get some sleep.

 

* * *

 

The sound of knocking on the window woke him. He was lying in the back seat of Baby, his jacket covering part of his torso and his body contorted like a pretzel. He knew he would be sore for days. He blinked and looked toward the window. Sam was standing there. “Come on. We’re here.”

 

He stretched as much as possible and pulled himself from the car, blinking when the sun hit his eyes. They were in the parking lot of some run of the mill roadside motel. The “Vacancy” sign flickering. It didn’t look as sleazy as some places they had stayed, but it still had that depressing “this is where people come to die” feel to it. “I got us a room and we’ll be meeting with the sheriff in about an hour.”

 

He yawned. “Ten four.” He needed a shower and about ten cups of coffee.

 

Cas was already in the motel room, looking at the laptop and sipping a cup of coffee. “Anymore of that around?” Cas motioned toward the small little kitchenette. Dean grabbed a coffee cup and poured himself an almost overflowing cup. He sipped it and nearly choked at how bitter it was. He sat down at the table and they started going over the basics of the case again. Weird deaths. All seemed to be connected in some way or another to a prominent business man named Fred Carson who had moved into town a few years ago intent on revitalizing the podunk place. He hadn’t succeeded, but did swindle a bunch of families all with the help of the twelve people who had died.

 

They went to talk to the sheriff and Dean suggested they be members of Journey this time. “I’ll be Dean Perry.” He smiled wistfully as he said it and instantly saw Donna’s smile in his mind.

 

“Fine.” Sam was sitting in the passenger seat and Cas was in the back. “I’ll be Sam Schon”

 

“And Cas can be Cas Cain.” Dean chuckled and Cas gave him a little bitch face in the rear view mirror. He needed to stop hanging out with Sam so much.

 

They found out from the sheriff in town that Fred had come in and bought up land that was owned by one of the long time residents. Turned out this resident also had an interest in witchcraft. They spent some time interviewing family members of some of the deceased and they all seemed to agree that it was probably the daughter. It seemed pretty open and shut, but nothing is ever that easy. Turned out the daughter was actually in cahoots with the Fred and she ended up dead the next day. There was a nice little hex bag just waiting to be found.

 

Turned out this might be a longer case than he had hoped. He checked in on Lola and Beth was nice enough to send him a few photos of her. He was always so surprised by how much he missed her when he was gone. It was like a piece of him was missing.

 

But that pain he felt away from Lola was nothing compared to the ache he felt being away from Donna. He would look at the pictures of them in the snow whenever he could, which wasn’t very often. He missed everything about her and it only been a couple of days. She had sent him a couple of texts while he had been out interviewing suspects. He had sent her a brief message letting her know he missed her and might be hard to reach. She sent a frowny face in reply and told him to be careful.

 

“Who do you keep texting?” Sam was peaking over his shoulder and he quickly put his phone away.

 

“Um...Donna.”

 

Sam gave him a look like he didn’t believe him. “Really? You’ve been texting Donna this whole time?”

 

“Yeah. Look Sam, Donna and-” But he didn’t get to finish that thought. Cas told them he thought he might have found something. Turned out there was another daughter. A daughter the town didn’t know about. Some secret kid. It was like a damn soap. Turned out this child also had a thing for witchcraft. They caught up to her right before she was about to put the final nail in the coffin of Fred and his associates. A witch bullet did the trick, but only after she had tossed Dean across the room. He landed with a thud against a brick wall, his knuckles scraping down the bricks and his head lightly banging against them. He felt like he was losing his touch. Sam and Cas ended up taking her out and Cas gave him the once over, wanting to fix the scrapes on his hands and the massive bump on his head, but he shooed him away. “I’m fine.” He struggled to his feet and his head felt like it was on fire. The drive back was gonna suck.

 

They finally got out of town just after sunset and Sam said he could drive, but Dean told him it was fine. When Sam started yawning about ten minutes into the drive he told Dean to pull over, he would switch places with Cas. They switched places and Sam fell asleep about ten minutes later. Cas was sitting next to Dean trying to find the cat videos that had been keeping Dean entertained. He let out a frustrated sigh. “I can’t find them anywhere, Dean.”

 

It always amused him how this powerful being could be so frustrated by something like not being able to find cat videos. “Sorry, Cas. Maybe they took them down.” Cas let out another frustrated sigh and set the phone down. He felt kind of bad about lying to him and he didn’t even know why he was. He wasn’t ashamed of Donna. Far from it. He glanced in the back seat and saw that Sam was still sleeping. “There were no cat vidoes, Cas.”

 

He looked over at him like this lie was greater than any he had told before. “You lied?”

 

“Guilty.” Cas actually scowled at him and turned to face forward. “I’m sorry, man. I’ll find you some when we get back to the bunker.” That seemed to help a little bit.

 

“So, what were you doing then?”

 

He rubbed the back of his neck. “I...I was texting Donna.” He did another quick glance to the back seat. “I...I’m kind of seeing her I guess. I mean we got together when I was gone. So…”

 

Cas looked at him and he saw a little smile. “I like Donna.”

 

He gave a contented smile. “Me too.”

 

“Is she going to move into the bunker?”

 

“Um...probably not. She has a house of her own.” The sadness of those words fell over him like a suffocating blanket.

 

“I think it’s good that you’re with her, Dean.”

 

Those words meant more to him than he could say. “Thanks, Cas.” He playfully hit Cas on the shoulder. “You know, we could always find you someone too.”

 

“I’m perfectly fine, Dean.”

 

“I’m just sayin’. Maybe we could put you on a dating app.” Cas rolled his eyes a little and just shook his head no. “Okay. But you say the word and I’ll find someone for you right away. Won’t even try to pay for it this time.”

 

He let out an annoyed sigh. “Just find me some cat videos.”

 

Dean chuckled. “You got it.” They drove the rest of the way in relative silence.

 

* * *

 

Beth was pretty much recovered by the time they got back and Lola greeted them all with a wagging tail and kisses. She wouldn’t leave Dean’s side for the first half hour he was back. It was a habit she had whenever Dean would return. He had a sinking feeling that it was probably something left over from her days before the bunker. Back when she was cruelly dumped in that field. The thought of that chilled him to the bone. He would never understand how anyone could’ve hurt her.

 

He decided to take Lola for a walk outside, making sure to take his phone with him. Once he was away from the bunker he called Donna. She answered on the first ring and her chipper voice made his heart feel whole again. “Hey! Are you back?”

 

He couldn’t help the little grin that spread across his face. “Yep. Just got in. Sorry I couldn’t talk before.”

 

“It’s okay.”

 

“Hopefully we’ll have some down time now.”

 

“What was the case?”

 

He spent a few minutes going over the details and she asked a few questions. He then made the mistake of saying he got thrown across the room. “Are you okay?”

 

“I’m fine. Just some scratches and my head hurt a little bit. But nothing like hitting it on your wall.” He laughed, but heard nothing from her.

 

“Was Cas there?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“And he checked to make sure that you’re okay.”

 

“Yes and I’m fine.”

 

“Are you sure? Because you know sometimes something seems small and it’s really not. Maybe you should go to the doctor or-”

 

“Donna, I promise I’m fine. I get thrown into walls all the time.” Probably the wrong thing to say judging by the little gasp he heard. “Sorry. Wrong time to joke. Just don’t worry about me, okay? I’m fine.”

 

“Yeah. Okay.” There was a sadness in her voice that made his heart sink.

 

He decided to try and lighten things a bit. “You know what I’m doing right now?”

 

“Dean, I’m kind of at work.”

 

He chuckled. “My, my, my Sheriff. You have a dirty mind.”

 

He could picture the blush that probably crept up her cheeks at that moment. “Stop it. What are you doing?”

 

He chuckled softly and smiled. “I’m outside the bunker, walking Lola.”

 

“What does it look like?”

 

He glanced around. “Well, it’s still early morning here and there’s like this frost on the leaves that is slowly thawing and when the sun hits it it’s like glass. Beautiful glass.” He inhaled deeply. “And it smells like...like everything is fresh and new. It’s really beautiful.”

 

“Hm...I wish I was there.”

 

“Me too.” They continued to talk for a little while longer until she had to leave. Some scuffle in town and they were short staffed. He told her to be careful and she promised to avoid walls. There was some levity to it, but he could still hear some sadness and worry there. But he tried not to dwell on that. Not to sink into it. Just hold on to that happy bubble from Stillwater.

 

* * *

 

He walked back into the bunker and Sam and Cas were in the middle of catching Beth up on the hunt. Sam looked up when Dean walked back in. “Geez, that was one hell of a long walk.”

 

“Yeah. Had to stretch my legs.” He walked down the steps and joined them at the table. He offered a couple of tidbits when he felt he could.

 

Beth turned to Dean. “So, how was your trip?” There was this little twinkle in her eye.

 

He couldn’t fight the smile on his face. Everyone was looking at him and he thought now was as good a time as any. “It was great. We went bowling. Played pool. Donna and I got together. Oh and I saw Jody, Claire and Alex while I was there.” Sam’s mouth was slightly agape and Beth was grinning brightly at him. “So, did I miss anything while I was away?”

 

Sam shook his head and said, “Wait, go back a minute.”

 

“To the bowling? Yeah I kind of kicked their asses, but don’t mention it to Donna or Jody. Kind of a touchy subject.”

 

“No. The part about you and Donna.”

 

“Oh, that.” He smiled to himself. “We got together.”

 

“You and Donna?”

 

“Yep.”

 

“Donna Hanscum?”

 

“That’s the one.”

 

Beth chimed in, “Well, I for one am very happy for you.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

Cas smiled and didn’t let on that he already knew. “I’m happy for you too, Dean.”

 

“Thanks, Cas.”

 

“Wait, just hold on a minute. I’m still...so you and Donna?”

 

“Do you need me to spell it out for you?”

 

“It’s just. Aren’t you guys friends?”

 

“Yeah, so?”

 

“I just...isn’t she a little too-”

 

“Too what?”

 

“Nice.”

 

He scoffed. “Are you saying I can’t be with a nice girl?”

 

“No. I just...I mean she’s so sweet and almost innocent. Like especially for what we do.”

 

“Sam, she does what we do.”

 

“Well, not entirely.”

 

“Yeah, you’re right. When she’s not doing that she’s a sheriff.”

 

“Yes, I know. But a sheriff in a small town.”

 

“So, you don’t think she’s strong or that she can kick ass?”

 

“No. I didn’t say that.”

 

“Because I seem to recall her saving our bacon back in Hibbing. And she does hunts by herself, you know?”

 

“She does?”

 

“Yeah.” He still didn’t like that thought. “She kicks ass, Sam.”

 

“I love Donna, Dean. I do. But you and her it just...I mean she’s not really your type.”

 

Beth placed a hand on Sam’s shoulder. “Sam-”

 

“Not my type? What the hell does that mean?”

 

“Well, I mean she’s just...forget it.”

 

He crossed his arms. “No. Say it, Sam.”

 

“You guys are just so different.”

 

“We actually aren’t that different.”

 

“Oh come on, Dean.”

 

“We aren’t.”

 

“I know you guys are friends and get along, but-”

 

“I thought you wanted me to be happy.”

 

“I do.”

 

“Okay, well Donna makes me happy.”

 

“I’m sorry. I’m happy for you Dean, I am. I’m just a little surprised, that’s all.”

 

He studied Sam’s face for a minute and then it hit him. “You don’t think I’m good enough for her, do you?”

 

“I didn’t say that.”

 

“You didn’t have to.”

 

“Dean-”

 

“Forget it. I’m tired and I’ve slept maybe three hours in the past couple of days.” He stood up. “I’m gonna get some sleep.”

 

“Dean, I didn’t-”

 

“It’s fine, Sammy.” He walked towards his room, Lola in tow.

 

When he got to his room he slammed the door behind him. Lola jumped slightly and curled up in the corner. He bent down in front of her. “I’m sorry sweetheart.” She looked up at him with sad eyes and he wanted to kick himself. He ran his hand down her head, trying to calm her. “I’m okay. You’re okay.” She relaxed slightly and gave him a little kiss.

 

He laid back on his bed looking up at the ceiling. He had been scared of telling Sam about Donna, but he never thought it would be because of this. He never thought Sam would be so against this. It made him angry and sad and like he was nothing.

 

He laid there for a few minutes, just staring up at the ceiling, when his phone buzzed.

 

 **Donna:** _No bumps and bruises, but I hope I never have to smell slurpy mixed with Doritos again._

 

He smiled and instantly that sadness and anger was lightened. The effect she had on him amazed him.

 

 **Dean:** _Darn, that kind of ruins my plans for our first date._

 

It was such an innocent word, especially since they had already slept together. But it still caused a little flutter in his heart.

 

 **Donna:** _Date? You wanna take me out on a date?_

 

 **Dean:** _Yeah. If you’ll let me._

 

 **Donna:** _Where would you take me?_

 

 **Dean:** _Well, that’s a surprise._

 

Truth was he had no idea.

 

 **Donna:** _Here or there?_

 

That was the question that would hang over them constantly. He didn’t really know how to answer that.

 

 **Dean:** _I’m not sure. Maybe here._

 

No text came in response and he worried that maybe she didn’t want that. Would never want to come here. Maybe it was too far for her. Too much to cope with.

 

After another minute his phone rang; Donna. He grinned and answered on the second ring. “Sorry, I just wanted to hear your voice.”

 

“No need to apologize for that.”

 

“So, this date you wanna take me on? It’s there?”

“It doesn’t have to be. Wherever you want to go is fine with me.”

 

There was silence and he thought he heard some pages turning and maybe some typing. He was about to tell her that he could call her later. Tell her she didn’t have to make any decisions now. “Um...I can be out there in two weeks.”

 

Two weeks. That felt like a lifetime and sooner than he hoped all at once. “Really?”

 

“Yeah, I know it’s far away, but-”

 

“No. Two weeks sounds great.”

 

“And you don’t have to take me on any fancy date, Dean.”

 

“Hey, maybe I want to.”

 

He heard a soft giggle. “Well, two weeks then.”

 

“Two weeks.”

 

“So…” He heard a hesitation in her voice. “Have you...have you told Sam about us?”

 

“Yep. Cas and Beth too.”

 

He could almost see the sunshine when she spoke again. “Really?”

 

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I?”

 

“I don’t know. I just...I guess I was worried that maybe…”

 

“Hey, Donna, you aren’t a one night stand to me.”

 

“You either, Dean.”

 

“That’s a relief.”

 

She chuckled softly. “So, how did they react?”

 

He didn’t want to scare her. Didn’t want to hurt her feelings. So he lied, mostly. “Great. They were all very happy for us.”

 

“Good. I told Jody.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“She said, and I quote, ‘it’s about damn time.’” He laughed and she let out a small chuckle. He heard her sigh. “We can do this, right? We can make this work.”

 

“Yes. No problem” He wanted to be more confident in that, but there was always this nagging voice at the back of his head trying to drown at his happiness. Trying to obliterate his hope.

 

They talked for a few more minutes, but then Donna got called away again. He told her to be safe and to text him when she got home, no matter what time it was. They said goodbye and he held the phone to his chest. Held it like maybe it was a piece of Donna next to him. A piece of her near his heart.

 

* * *

 

He felt like he hadn’t been in Laura’s office in years. Lola acted like it had been a year as well, her tail going a hundred miles an hour when she saw Laura. She got cookies and showered with praise as Dean took his seat on the couch.

 

After Lola had settled in, Laura took her seat and pulled out that old trusty notebook. “So, how have you been, Dean?”

 

“I’ve actually been pretty good.”

 

She smiled. “Does this have anything to do with your visit with Donna?”

 

He felt that grin that he always felt at the mention of her name. “Yeah.”

 

“Did you show her what you wrote?”

 

“No. But we did talk and we...we got together.”

 

“How does that feel?”

 

“Amazing. Wonderful. Absolutely terrifying.”

 

“What’s terrifying about it?”

 

“I’m not really skilled at this. And the times I’ve tried it hasn’t really ended well.”

 

“Maybe this time will be different?”

 

“Maybe.”

 

“When are you going to see her again?”

 

“Two weeks. She’s coming out here.”

 

“For how long?”

 

He sighed. “A whole week.”

 

“Wow, that must be exciting.”

 

“Yeah, but I’m a little scared.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I don’t know. What if she gets out here and she finds out that she doesn’t like me outside of Stillwater? What if it was just one giant little happy accident?”

 

“Have you told her how nervous you are?”

 

“No.”

 

“Maybe you should. She might be just as nervous.”

 

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

 

“Have you told Sam and Cas?”

 

“Yeah.” Things we're still really tense with Sam and they hadn’t talked much since he first told him.

 

“How did they react?”

 

“Cas was great. So was Beth.”

 

“And Sam?”

 

He felt a little bit of anger and hurt flow through him. “Sam...Sam seemed to think it was a terrible idea.”

 

“He said that?”

 

“Not exactly, but he might as well have. He pretty much implied that I wasn’t good enough for her.”

 

“What did you do?”

 

“I stormed out.”

 

“I bet it hurt.”

 

“It just made me angry.”

 

“And you really think he thinks you’re not good enough?”

 

“Yeah. I mean he kept saying she was too nice or not my type. That she was too good for our life.”

 

“Too good for you?” He nodded. “Do you think your brother really thinks that about you?”

 

“Sometimes.” He pursed his lips and glanced away. “I have this tape that plays on a loop in my head. This tape that tells me that I’m no good. That I’m worthless. Usually the voice on that tape is mine. Sometimes it’s my dad. But a lot of the times it’s Sam.”

 

“Why is it Sam?”

 

“I don’t know. Just sometimes I look at him and I see this pity in his eyes. Like he feels sorry for me.” He crossed his arms. “It drives me crazy.”

 

“Like he’s looking down on you?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“If you and Sam weren’t brothers, do you think you’d be friends?”

 

He thought about that for a moment. Thought what that might look like. He looked down. “No. I don’t think he’d want to be friends with me.”

 

“Would you want to be friends with him?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Dean, do you want to know why I think Sam said what he said about Donna?”

 

“Sure.”

 

“I think Sam is always afraid he’ll lose you.”

 

It wasn’t at all what he was expecting and it made zero sense to him. “What? That makes no sense.”

 

“Dean, you’re his constant. You’re his rock. His teacher. His parent. He’s afraid to lose that.”

 

“But he wouldn’t. I mean not because of Donna.”

 

“Maybe he doesn’t believe that.”

 

“But I never leave. I always choose him.” He looked away. “No matter what.”

 

“Does that make you angry?”

 

He looked back at her. “Why would it make me angry?”

 

“If Sam wasn’t back here, if he was somewhere else and he didn’t need you to, would you be here or would you want to be with Donna?”

 

“None of that matters because I have a job to do.”

 

“Dean, if you didn’t-”

 

“Why do you always have to do this to me?”

 

“I’m not trying to do anything to you. I’m just trying to get you to be honest with yourself.”

 

He shook his head and felt angry. Pissed that she kept doing this. Pissed that it made him feel so sad. “Okay. Fine. Yes, I would want to be with Donna. But you know that’s probably just some sort of bliss thing I’m in right now. I mean I just got together with Donna. This could all end tomorrow.”

 

“Dean, that’s the point. The world could end tomorrow.” _She didn’t know the half of it._ “Do you really want to waste it not being happy?”

 

“I have a job. And she does too.”

 

“Does Donna make you happy?”

 

He took in a deep breath. “Yes. Happier than I’ve ever been.”

 

“Don’t let your sense of duty take that away from you, Dean.”

 

“It’s not as easy as that. I made commitments. I have a duty and I have to...I can’t just up and leave. No matter how much I want to.”

 

“Dean-”

 

“You don’t understand. If I’m not there and something happens. All of that is on me.”

 

“So, it’s you responsibility to make sure everyone is okay?”

 

“Yes.”

 

She gave him a sad smile. “Aren’t you exhausted?” He just shrugged and looked down. “Dean, don’t you deserve a break? Don’t you deserve to be human? To have a life?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“Well, maybe we need to figure that out.”

 

He swallowed and gave a small nod, not even sure where to start. Not even sure why he would agree to try. But willing to play along for awhile.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I bet some are mad about the Sam stuff, but there is a reason and it felt natural to write his reaction that way. Thanks again for reading and have a safe holiday! <3


	8. Have Some Faith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Sam have a therapy session and Sam admits to some of his fears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning, you're probably going to be upset with Sam. This is another set-up chapter for some things that will be coming up down the road. Lots of angst in this, but it's pretty light angst.

When he got back to the bunker Sam was waiting for him in his room, standing like he was ready for a fight or to ready to run. Dean let out an exasperated sigh and tossed his keys on the desk. Lola ran over to Sam to greet him. “Hey, Lola.” He gave her a pat on the back and then looked back up at Dean. “Hey, Dean.”

 

“What do you want, Sam?”

 

“How was therapy?” He was stalling.

 

“It was fantastic.” He crossed his arms. 

 

“Can we sit?”

 

“Why? Afraid I might deck ya?” Sam gave him a look that said the answer was yes and that just stung. He let out a breath and sat down on the edge of his bed. Sam took a seat at the desk. He gestured toward Sam. “So?”

 

“First off, I’m sorry for the other day. I was out of line.”

 

“Yeah, you were.”

 

“I don’t think Donna’s too good for you. I really don’t.”

 

“You could’ve fooled me.”

 

“Dean, all I want is for you to be happy.”

 

He scoffed. “You have a funny way of showing it.”

 

“Look, I’m happy that you think you’ve found-”

 

“I don’t think, Sam. I know.”

 

“You spent one weekend with her, Dean.”

 

“Yeah, and you knew Beth what a whole week.”

 

“It’s different.”

 

“You’re right, it is. Because I’ve known Donna for a few years now and we’ve been close friends for about a year. Very different.”

 

“Donna wasn’t born into this life.”

 

“Neither was Beth.”

 

“Dean, Beth has been hunting for pretty much as long as we have.” Sam let out a breath. “Donna came into this life by accident. It wasn’t something she chose.”

 

“And she’s too good for it, right?”

 

“Dean, Donna is-

 

“So help me Sam, if you say too nice or pure or some other bullshit, I’m gonna blow.”

 

Sam looked down like he was ashamed of what he was about to say or maybe he was just ashamed of him. “You’re still healing.”

 

“What?”

 

Sam ran a hand down his face and leaned forward. “It wasn’t too long ago that you were...that you were controlled by the Mark.”

 

“Seriously? That’s what this is about?”

 

“Dean, I know that you’re better and you’ve been doing hard work.”

 

“Sam, I’ve been in therapy for almost two years now. Two whole years.”

 

“I know.”

 

“I haven’t had a drink in…” The realization of the length of time hit him like a wave and he continued speaking mainly to himself. “wow, it’s been almost a year.”

 

“And I’m so proud of you.” Sam’s voice took him out of his mind and back to the conversation at hand. “But-”

 

“You told me that you thought I should try and maybe find someone.”

 

“I know I did.”

 

“That I deserved to be happy.”

 

“And you do.”

 

“Just not with Donna. Is that it?”

 

“What if...what if she hurts you?”

 

“Hurts me? So, first she’s too nice and now she’s gonna hurt me?” He stood up. “Make up your damn mind.”

 

“I just...if you guys have a fight or she decides she doesn’t want this life. I mean how are you gonna handle that?”

 

“You’re unbelievable.”

 

“Dean-”

 

“You think that Donna’s gonna say something or do something that will push me over that edge again. That I’ll become that...that thing I was.” He shook his head. 

 

“Dean, it hasn’t been that long since-”

 

“You really have that little faith in me.” He pursed his lips and tried to steady himself. Tried to keep from falling apart. “You wanna know what Donna means to me?” Sam looked down. “Because you know what, she’s the only person in this whole Goddamn world that actually looks at me like I’m not a fuck up.” Sam looked up, his eyes a mixture of hurt and regret. “Like I’m not what I did in the past. She likes me for my scars. For my mistakes. For everything that I am. And when I’m with her...man, when I’m with her it’s the only time that I feel alive.” He crossed his arms. “So, if you can’t accept that...if you can’t be happy for me, well...than you can just go to hell.”

 

He saw the brief look of shock, wonder, maybe even guilt, cross Sam’s face before he spoke. “Dean, I didn’t know-”

 

“Now, she’s coming here in two weeks. So, if you can’t handle that...”

 

He was quiet for a moment. Studying Dean’s face for a moment before he finally spoke. “I can handle that.”

 

“Good.” He pointed toward the door. “Now, I want you to go.”

 

“Can we just-”

 

“Now, Sam.” He turned his back to Sam and waited until he heard his bedroom door shut before he collapsed back on his bed. Lola slowly came over to him and he could sense some trepidation there. Worry that maybe he’d yell at her. He hated himself for that. “Come here, sweetheart.” He patted the bed next to him and after a second she jumped up, laying her head down on his lap. He gently pet her and told her she was a good girl. That none of this had to do with her. She eventually relaxed and drifted off to sleep. 

 

Dean pulled out his phone and held it in his hand for a moment before calling Donna. She answered with a warm smile and he let her voice flow over him like the warmth of the sun. “Hey, Dean.”

 

He tried to paint a smile. Tried to add that sunshine to his voice. But he failed. “Hey.”

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. He couldn’t tell her. “Nothing. I just...just  a hard day.”

 

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

 

“No. I just...I just wanted to hear your voice.” 

 

“You have my voice for as long as you need it.”

 

He smiled, feeling a little lighter. “Tell me about your day.”

 

They talked for about an hour, Donna telling him about a string of car burglaries and a perp that tried to get a little handsy with her. He could feel his blood boil at that one. He told her a little bit about therapy, leaving the Sam part out. She asked about Sam and Cas. He tried to keep the answers as light as possible, but he heard a little hitch in his voice when talking about Sam. He hoped she didn’t notice it. She asked about Lola, even asked him to hold the phone up to her so she could hear her sleeping. He teased her about it, but it was one of the sweetest things he had heard all day. 

 

She sighed. “Two weeks.”

 

“Two weeks.” 

 

“I think I’m gonna try and bury myself in work so it goes by faster.”

 

“Yeah, that might be a good idea. Maybe I’ll see if I can dredge up a case.”

 

“Just protect your head, okay?” He could hear the worry in it and he tried not to play Sam’s words in his head. 

 

“I’ll be careful. And hey, if anyone else tries to get handsy with you, you just let me know and I will be up there so quick it’ll make his head spin.”

 

She chuckled. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

 

“Hey, do you think...do you think that...nevermind.”

 

“Dean, what is it?”

 

“I just...you don’t think this is too fast or sudden or anything, do you?” He hated himself for even asking, but Sam’s voice just wouldn’t go away.

 

“Why? Do you?” There was trepidation in her voice. Some nervousness.

 

“No. I don’t. I just...I just wanted to make sure that you were okay.”

 

“Are you kidding me? I get to make out with Dean Winchester in two weeks. What girl wouldn’t be okay with that?”

 

He chuckled and let out a breath he had been holding since he asked the question. “Oh, I’m gonna do more than just make out with you.”

 

“Is that a promise?”

 

“You better believe it.” He grinned and felt that little light of hope return. 

 

* * *

 

The next few days were filled with tension. Sam would try and talk to him. Try and get him to hear him out, but he wasn’t ready. Dean would leave the room if Sam was there and when a hunt happened to come up, he refused to go if Sam was going. Maybe he was being too hard on him, but he couldn’t help it. He didn’t want to hear anymore about how he shouldn’t be with Donna. He already thought he wasn’t good enough for her and hearing that from him was too much. 

 

Beth tried her best to get them to talk and so did Cas, but Dean could be stubborn. But dammit, he was kind of entitled to it this time, wasn’t he? He tried to just focus on Donna’s pending visit. Two weeks was a lot longer than he had thought. He spent time trying to figure out where to take her on a date. Maybe a nice restaurant. Maybe a play. Although, he wasn’t too sure about that. Beth offered to help him, but he wanted to do this on his own. 

 

He would either talk to or text Donna every day. Sometimes multiple times. When he went on the hunt that popped up, Sam staying behind, the texts were always tinged with a little bit of concern and he tried not to let that concern turn into Sam’s voice. 

 

Two weeks turned into one week and he could feel the excitement building inside of him. He was lit up from the inside with it. Just one week. One week till he could see her. Touch her. Kiss her. Hug her. Maybe then everything would magically be okay again. Sam would see them together and he would confess to being a total ass. He would wish them the best and everything would be normal. Or as normal as it could be. But Dean’s faith was lagging.

 

He was in the middle of teaching Lola some new tricks that he wanted to get down before Donna came, when Sam knocked on his open door. He smiled at Lola and tried to get Dean to look at him. “She’s really getting that crawl thing down.”

 

“She’s the smartest dog around.” He kept his eyes on Lola, giving her a reward cookie. “I’m kind of busy, Sam.”

 

“Sorry, I just...we kind of...um…”  

 

Dean closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and turned toward him. “We kind of what?”

 

He looked down for a second and Dean was struck by how vulnerable he looked. How childlike. “We have one of our group sessions tomorrow.”

 

_ Shit.  _ “Well, we can reschedule it.” He focused back on Lola.

 

“I don’t want to reschedule.”

 

“Sam-”

 

“Dean, you’ll barely look at me. Barely even talk to me. And I understand why. I deserve it. But I just think...I want us to be okay again.”

 

“I don’t know if that’s possible right now.”

 

“Can we try?”

 

Dean was silent for a moment. Trying to weigh the pros and cons of this. But he saw how hurt Sam was and no matter how hard he tried, he could never turn away from that. He looked back at him. “Fine. But if you’re gonna use this as a way to talk me out of being with Donna-”

 

Sam held up his hands. “I swear.”

 

“Good.” He gestured between him and Lola. “Now if you don’t mind-”

 

“Yeah, of course.” He gave him a quick smile before leaving. Dean stared after him for a few minutes before returning to the training. Group therapy. Man was that going to be fun. 

 

* * *

 

Dean was going to suggest they drive separately, but he decided that maybe that was petty. Of course sitting next to him in the car made that decision seem like the wrong one. Sam kept trying to make small talk, but Dean just stared out the window or grunted in response. 

 

“So, Beth told me that you’re trying to find some place to take Donna on a date.”

 

“Yeah.” He reached down and turned up the radio.

 

Sam spoke a little louder, trying to compete with the radio. “I could maybe-” 

 

“I don’t need any help planning a date.” Sam finally stopped trying and the rest of the car ride was filled with the music from the radio. 

 

They arrived right on time and he was grateful that they didn’t have to wait in the waiting room. Laura ushered them in and gave a warm hello to Sam and Lola. Dean sat as far away from Sam on the couch as possible. His arms firmly crossed. Laura looked between the two of them and it looked like she was bracing herself for whatever she was about to dive into. 

 

“So, how have you been, Sam?” 

 

Sam chanced a quick glance at Dean before answering. “Um...okay. All things considered.”

 

Dean couldn’t help but roll his eyes. He saw Laura looking at him for a moment, but she just kept her focus on Sam. “How is Beth?”

 

For the first time that day he saw Sam relax a bit and saw the corners of his mouth turn up in a slight grin. “She’s good.”

 

Laura smiled and then turned to Dean. “How are you Dean?”

 

“Peachy.”

 

She gave him one of those smiles that he sometimes got in here when she was going to push him on something. “I’m sensing a little tension.”

 

Dean couldn’t help but chuckle. “You think?” 

 

Sam cleared his throat. “Dean’s mad at me.” 

 

“Is that true, Dean?”

 

He sighed. “Yeah.”

 

“Why are you mad at Sam?”

 

“I already told you this last week.” He felt Sam’s eyes on him at those words. He suspected there was some hurt in them, but he didn’t chance a glance.

 

“Because of Donna.”

 

“Yep.”

 

“Sam, how do you feel about Donna and your brother?”

 

“I don’t know. I mean I like Donna, a lot.”

 

“Okay, how do you feel about her being with your brother?”

 

“I’m trying to be okay with it.”

 

Dean muttered under his breath, “Yeah, right.” 

 

“Dean, is there something you want to add?”

 

“Nope.” 

 

She considered him for a moment, before turning her attention back to Sam. “So, you’re trying to be okay with Donna and your brother being together?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“What’s holding you back?”

 

He felt Sam’s eyes on him, but he just stared straight ahead. “I’m not sure Dean’s ready for a relationship.”

 

Dean let out a humorless chuckle. “Man, that’s rich.”

 

“Dean, do you want to talk about how you’re feeling right now?”

 

“No. Why don’t you and Sam go ahead and sort this out?”

 

Sam shook his head and looked at Dean. “Jesus, Dean. Can’t you at least try?”

 

“Can I try? Seriously.” He turned slightly in his seat. “I’m the one who welcomed Beth into the bunker and you had only known her for like a week.”

 

“Dean, you were worried.”

 

“Yes, of course I was. I didn’t know her. And you’ve been hurt so many times. I didn’t want that to happen to you again.” He pointed at himself. “But I was open.”

 

“I know, but I hadn’t...I hadn’t been in therapy.”   
  


“Wow, so you’re throwing therapy in my face?”

 

“No. I’m glad that you’re in therapy.”

 

“You should be. You’re the one who basically forced me into it.” Sam looked down. “I don’t get you.” He looked at Laura. “You know not too long ago this guy told me that I deserved to find someone like Beth. That I deserved to be happy. But I guess that was all bullshit.”

 

“It wasn’t bullshit.” Sam sighed. “It’s just...Donna isn’t someone you just have a fling with, Dean.”

 

“I’m not trying to have a fling with her, Sam. I care about her. A lot. I thought you understood that.”

 

“I do, but you’re still healing and you need to be careful.”

 

Dean considered Sam for a moment. “You wanna know what I think this is all about?” Sam gave him a quick glance. “I think this is all about you not having any faith in me.”

 

“That’s not true.”

 

“Really? Because that’s what it sounds like to me.”

 

“I’m just scared, Dean.”

 

“What are you scared of, Sam?” Laura asked.

 

“Um...I know Dean has made a lot of progress. I mean he’s been coming here for like two years and he isn’t drinking and he seems...he seems lighter somehow. And having Lola has helped him too.” Dean looked over at him and saw the fear and concern on Sam’s face. “And I know that Donna has been a great friend to him. But I’m just worried that if something happens and she hurts him or she decides she doesn’t want this life...I’m afraid I’ll lose him.”

 

“To drinking?”

 

“To everything.”

 

“Why the hell would you think you would lose me?”

 

“Because I did once.”

 

“Sam, that was...I wasn’t myself.”

 

“I know, but-”

 

“And I came back. Sam, you would never lose me. Man, I’m pissed as hell at you right now and you still aren’t gonna lose me.”

 

“I want to believe that.”

 

“How can you not? Every time. Every single time. I choose you. I do everything for you. Everything.” He could feel the bitterness in his words and he wanted to instantly take them back, but he couldn’t this time. 

 

Sam stared at him for a few minutes, maybe wanting to argue with him about that. Maybe confront a whole other set of issues. But instead he decided to push it away. “But what if Donna-”

 

“What if Donna hurts me? What if she makes me leave hunting? I’d still be your brother.”

 

“You still have so much to work on.”

 

“I know, okay. I know I’m still fucked up.”

 

“Dean, I didn’t-”

 

“And I know that I have mountains of issues that are going nowhere. But like I told you, when I’m with Donna that stuff just goes away. It’s like I’m just me. Just Dean Winchester. I’m not someone playing the hero. Not a big brother or father. I’m not my job. I’m just me.” He took a deep breath. “I’ve never had that. Not even with Lisa.” Sam looked at him. “And yeah, I’m scared to death that she’ll see how messed up I am and run. I’m scared about caring for someone this much. So scared that sometimes it wakes me up at night. But then I talk to her or I see her and it’s like...it’s like it’s all worth it.”

 

“How long have you had feelings for her?”

 

“I don’t know really. I mean I only realised it a little bit before I went to visit her. I mean I always thought she was cute and funny. But then we started talking more and we became friends. I think somewhere in there I fell for her and didn’t even know it.”

 

“I really didn’t know. I mean how much you cared about her.”

 

“Well, now you do.”

 

“And you’re sure she feels the same?”

 

It was a heavy question for him. Truth was he wasn’t. But he knew she liked him. “I know she cares about me and that she likes me.” Sam smiled at him. “Look, I know this seems sudden or whatever. Trust me it’s weird to me too. But I just know that I need her.”

 

“Yeah, I can see that.”

 

“How do you feel about your brother and Donna now, Sam?”

 

“I’m still worried, but I want Dean to be happy and Donna’s a good person.”

 

“Does that mean that you’re okay with me and her?”

 

“It means I’m trying and I understand.”

 

“Is Donna still coming into town?”

 

“Yeah, in like a week.”

 

“How do you feel about that, Sam?”

 

Dean watched him. He saw a little relaxation. Maybe some openness. “I’m excited to see her. Excited for her to meet Beth.” He looked at Dean. “I won’t do anything to disrupt it, I promise. I’m gonna try and be better. And I do have faith in you, Dean. I do. I just get scared.”

 

“I know. I do too.” He gave him a genuine smile and he felt a little bit of the weight lift. He still felt an anger toward Sam that probably wouldn’t go away anytime soon, but this was a start. And at least that was something to be grateful for. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to take a minute to thank those who have stuck with this series and who have given me awesome feedback on and off of here. It has motivated me more than I can say. <3 Feel free to follow me on Twitter @EAprilBeauty or on Tumblr @seaavery.


	9. Songbird

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donna comes to visit and Dean comes to a realization.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very fluffy chapter ahead. Dean being adorable. There is some fluffy smut, I will put a little star by where it starts if you want to skip that. There is some stuff right before it that needs to be read. Enjoy. :)

Things were getting a little bit better between Dean and Sam. Dean had let up on the silent treatment and they even went out for dinner and a game of pool one night. Sam was even helping to prepare the bunker for Donna’s visit. Getting food, suggesting things they might do, including a double date. But Dean could see that he was still incredibly hesitant about his relationship with her. He could see the doubt in his eyes, even when he was trying to be supportive. It drove Dean crazy, but he didn’t let on. He shoved it down where he shoved everything he wasn’t prepared to deal with. 

 

Three days to go till Donna would be at the bunker. He had gone out and bought brand new sheets for the bed and even some new pillows. It wasn’t that the sheets there were horrible or filthy, quite the opposite. It was just that he wanted everything to be beautiful for her. New or as new as possible. He made sure there were plenty of clean towels without holes or frayed edges. He stocked up on all the foods she would love and he even bought himself a new suit. It was for the date he was planning. A date he wasn’t completely solid on yet, but he was usually pretty good about winging things.

 

He was cleaning his room, making sure there was not a speck of dust, when his phone rang. Donna’s name came up on the display and he had brief moment of panic. He tried to shake that worry as he answered the phone. “So, is this the last minute call to cancel?” He joked, trying to steady his own nerves.

 

She chuckled. “You’re not gonna get out of the date that easy mister.” He laughed. “I just...I wanted to know what I should pack.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I mean clothes wise.”

 

“Well, if it was up to me, nothing but that shirt I left you.” God, he wished he could see the blush that probably crept up on her neck.

 

“I’m serious”

 

“So am I.”

 

“Well, I don’t think Sam and Cas would really appreciate me being half naked the whole time.”

 

“Oh, You don’t have to worry about that.”

 

“Really, now?”

 

“Yeah, because you see I’m just going to lock you away in my room all week.”

 

She laughed. “Oh you are, are you?”

 

“Yep. Just you, me and a bed.” It actually sounded like an awesome idea. 

 

“Maybe next time.” 

 

“Oh, I’ll hold you to that.”

 

She let out a nervous chuckle and he could tell she was a little flustered and that maybe made him smile a little more. “Anyway, I need to know if I should, you know, bring something fancy.”

 

“Fancy?”

 

“You know like a nice dress or something.” She was worried about their date. He smiled to himself and instantly imagined her in some nice dress. Her gorgeous hair flowing around the shoulders. Maybe it would be a strapless number and he could see her creamy skin against maybe some darker color. Red. Yeah that’s the color he would want. A dark red dress that was tight enough to accentuate every beautiful curve and maybe- “Never mind. Sorry, Dean I don’t-”

 

“Yes. Definitely bring a dress.”

 

“Really?” He could hear the smile in her voice.

 

“Really.”

 

“Great.”

 

“And my shirt. Please, please say you’re bringing my shirt.”

 

“One track mind.” She let out a breathy chuckle that sent all his blood rushing south. “Maybe if you’re good I will.”

 

Flirty Donna was definitely one of his favorite Donnas. “And if I’m not?”

 

He heard another chuckle. “I am a sheriff, Dean. I have tools to punish you.” He had to sit down.

 

“I’m thinking locking you in my room is a very good idea.”

 

She laughed and he heard her moving around. “Oh shoot. I gotta go Dean.”

 

“What? Wait, just a little while longer. Maybe you can describe the tools you’d use.”

 

She laughed. “Sorry, work calls.”

 

He sighed. “Fine. But soon, you, me and this lovely bed makes three.”

 

She chuckled. “See you soon, Dean.” 

 

“See ya, Donna.” He hung up the phone and did a quick lock check on his door. Luckily Lola didn’t particularly like being around when he was cleaning. He was all alone. He spent the next few minutes imagining Donna over him. Maybe handcuffs. Maybe wearing his shirt. Maybe using some other tools he could imagine. Those three days couldn’t come fast enough. 

 

* * *

 

Dean woke up with a giant grin. Today was the day Donna would be arriving. He fed Lola her breakfast and took her for a long walk, the smile never fading from his face. He even caught himself humming. She sent him a text around six saying she would be leaving in a half hour. He felt like a teenager. His stomach constantly doing flip-flops and Sam constantly ribbed him. Saying he was talking faster than usual and that he could practically hear his heart beating. Beth kept grinning at him like she knew something he didn’t. 

 

He spent the day making sure everything was in place. That everything looked clean enough. Nice enough. Everything smelled good. He took a nice long shower and pulled on a clean pair of jeans and a black t-shirt. He made sure to shave and gave himself the once over in the mirror. He looked pretty good, if he did say so himself. 

 

It was two-thirty and he was trying not to check the clock every five minutes. She would be there soon. There was no weather for her drive. Nothing to delay her. 

 

They were sitting around the library, Sam and Cas flipping through some books and Beth looking at something on her phone. Dean was petting Lola and glancing at his phone every five minutes. “Hey, Dean.” He looked over at Beth. “You know what they say, a watched phone never beeps.”

 

He rubbed the back of his neck and turned the phone over. “I was barely looking at it.”

 

“Uh-huh.” She smiled and went back to doing whatever she was doing on her phone. 

 

He glanced around the room, trying to find anything to distract him. Maybe he should go start dinner. But it was only three-thirty. He could at least cut everything up. Shape the burgers. What if burgers weren’t good enough? Maybe he should’ve gotten steak or made some fancy pasta dish. Not like he really knew any fancy pasta dishes to make.The buzzing of his phone took him out of his thoughts and he nearly jumped out of his seat. 

 

Sam, Cas and Beth all raised their heads and looked at him, each one of them with a different sly grin on their face. He looked down at the screen and felt the butterflies start to flutter. “I’m just gonna go let her into the garage.”

 

Beth smiled at him. “Go get her, Dean.” He pretty much ran out of the room. 

 

He opened the garage and saw her jeep right outside, with her smiling face behind the wheel. She waved to him as she pulled in. He had her park right next to Baby. Right where she belonged. He ran his hand through his hair quickly, did a spot check on his breath and walked over to her car. He went to open her door for her, but she was already climbing out. She was dressed in jeans, a sweatshirt and her hair was a little windblown. She looked absolutely stunning. She touched her hair and smiled. “Hey, you.”

 

He put his hands on her waist. “Hey.” He licked his lips and gave her a sweet and slow kiss. She tasted like soda and corn chips. He wanted more. 

 

She pulled back and looked up at him, running her hand through the hairs at the nape of his neck. “You look so handsome.” He felt himself blush slightly. “I look a mess.”

 

He shook his head. “Nope. You look delicious.”

 

“Delicious?”

 

“Mmm-hmm.” He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer. He leaned down and started kissing her neck.

 

She giggled. “Dean, don’t you think we should get inside?”

 

He grinned against her neck. “Just a minute.” He placed a few more kisses along her neck and up to her jaw, before capturing her mouth with his. He gave her a long kiss before finally pulling away. He rested his forehead against hers. “Okay. I guess we can go now.”

 

He reluctantly let go of her and went around to the back of the jeep to get her bag. Donna checked herself in the mirror and he could see her dissatisfied look.  “Hey, you look great.”

 

“Maybe I should touch up my make-up before-”

 

“You look beautiful and it’s just Sam, Cas and Beth. Unless you’re worried about Lola.”

 

She chuckled. “Well, Lola can be kind of judgy when it comes to makeup.”

 

“Very true.” He leaned down and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “You ready?”

 

“Yeah.” He saw how nervous she was and it touched him in a weird way. He led them inside and toward the library. 

 

Lola was the first to greet them, her tail going so fast that he was worried it might fly off. Donna knelt down and gave her some scratches behind the ear and Lola peppered her with kisses. “You and your dad.” She wiped off her face and grinned at Dean. Lola followed them into the library. Beth, Sam and Cas were standing there, trying to look casual, but failing. Dean set down her bag and Sam walked over to Donna, pulling her into a hug. “Hey, Donna.” He pulled back. “It’s great to see you.”

 

“You too, Sam.” She walked over to Cas and pulled him into a hug. It took a second to relax into it, but then he grinned and pulled Donna closer.  “Hey, Cas.”

 

“Hey, Donna.” He was still hugging her and Dean walked over and tapped him on the shoulder. 

 

“Okay, I think that’s a good enough hug, Cas.” They pulled apart and Donna smirked at Dean. 

 

She grinned widely at Beth. “You must be Beth.”

 

Sam shook his head. “Sorry, Beth this Donna. Donna this is Beth.”

 

Donna smiled brightly at her and pulled her into a hug. “I’m so friggin happy to meet you.” Beth chuckled. 

 

They pulled apart. “You too.”

 

Dean leaned over to Donna. “I’m just going to take your stuff to my room.”

 

“Okay.” He gave her a quick peck on the mouth and heard the chorus of “awws”. He rolled his eyes at them, and gave Sam the finger when Donna wasn’t looking. 

 

As he walked towards his room he heard the chatter and he let out a sigh of relief. So far everything seemed okay and Sam did seem genuinely excited to see her. 

 

He set her bag near the dresser in the corner and took one final look around the room. The butterflies had crept up again. He tried to shake them off. Tried to remind himself that it was just Donna. It was just his room. She’d seen it before. But that was  _ before _ . Now it felt different. 

 

He had his back to the door and was busy double-checking everything, making sure there was no dust he may have forgotten, no weird things lying around, when he felt Donna’s arms wrap around his waist. He smiled and leaned back into it. “Dean Winchester’s room.”

 

“It is exciting.” She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and started looking around. He stood there, trying to find something to do with his hands and trying to calm his stomach. She ran a hand over some of his records, stopping at a few titles. She glanced at the desk, the bedside table, the dresser and then the bed. He saw her grin a little. Maybe even blush. He pointed toward the bed. “Memory foam.”

 

She glanced back at him. “Memory foam?”

 

“Yeah, the mattress it...it remembers you.” She was grinning at him like he was the most adorable thing in the world. It made him blush. He rubbed the back of his neck. “I got an extra pillow and new sheets.” He felt so silly saying it, but the warmth that was reflected in her eyes made it all worth it.    
  


She walked over to him and put her hand on his chest. She raised her eyebrow. “Are you nervous, Winchester?”

 

He really was learning to love the sound of his last name. He shook his head and tried to look more confident than he felt. “No. Not at all.”

 

She grinned and leaned up to give him a quick kiss. “You’re adorable.”

 

“Shut-up.” But he just kept grinning like an idiot as he pulled her in for another kiss. 

 

She pulled away from him. “I’m gonna go freshen up.”

 

“Okay. Do you remember where the shower is?” She nodded and headed over to her bag to grab some stuff. 

 

She walked out the door and he called after her. “Let me know if you need any help.” He heard her chuckle as she walked away.  

 

* * *

 

They were seated around the dinner table. Donna next to Dean, Sam and Beth across from them and Cas sitting in between Beth and Donna. They were finishing up their burgers and Sam was picking at his salad. Cas had managed to eat half a burger with so much ketchup and mustard on it that even Dean felt a little nauseous. 

 

“So, tell me the story of how you two met.” Donna was gesturing between Sam and Beth.

 

“Dean didn’t tell you?” Sam said. 

 

“He did, but I’d like the hearts and flowers version.”

Sam chuckled and Dean scoffed. “Hey, I added hearts and flowers.”

 

She glanced over at him and gave his knee a playful little squeeze. It made his stomach flip. “Sure you did.”

 

He tried to look indignant. Tried to find some witty retort, but Donna had left her hand on his knee and he just couldn’t think anymore. Beth and Sam proceeded to tell Donna all about their chance meeting in California. About how they were unsure of the other’s intentions. Their first kiss. Dean managed to get in a protest at them delving any further into any other firsts. Donna was resting her chin on the palm of the hand that wasn’t currently on his knee. She looked in awe. It was all kinds of cute. 

 

“And now you guys are living together.”

 

“Yep.” Beth took a drink of water.

 

“So, was that hard to do?” There was a weight to Donna’s question that wasn’t lost on him and apparently not on Sam, whose eyes were currently flitting back and forth between Dean and Donna. There was a nervousness there and an edge that he didn’t like.

 

Beth just chuckled, trying to ease the tension that had instantly rissen. “Well, Sam’s stinky feet can sometimes grate on me, but other than that it’s been peachy.”

 

Sam looked down, with that kicked puppy look on his face. “My feet don’t stink.” 

 

“I have to back Beth up on this one Sam.” Dean added and was relieved to notice the tension gone. Cas even nodded. 

 

“Fine, gang up on me.” Sam rolled his eyes.

 

Beth gave him a playful pat and then looked between Dean and Donna. “So, tell me all about how this happened.”

 

Donna removed her hand from his knee and he instantly missed it. She turned slightly in her chair, admiring him. “Well, I think it all started a couple of weeks ago when I kicked his ass at bowling.” She winked at him and he couldn’t help the grin that spread across his face. 

 

Sam scoffed. “So, you beat him at bowling?”

 

She sat up straighter, pride on her face. “Of course.”

 

“I think Dean has a different version of events.”

 

She looked at him and cocked an eyebrow. “Is that so?”

 

“Well-”

 

Cas chimed in. “He said he beat you and Jody and that it was a sore subject for the two of you.” 

 

Dean muttered. “Thanks, Cas.”  He shifted in his seat and looked at Donna. She had a smug smile on her face and he knew she wasn’t gonna let him off easy. “Well, technically I did beat Jody.” She crossed her arms. He looked away. “And I kind of took it easy on you.” 

 

Donna laughed. “Took it easy on me?” She leaned over, her face about an inch from his. “Is that what we’re calling it now?” He swallowed and she smirked, obviously pleased with herself. She leaned back and looked at him like she was waiting for him to give in. 

 

He sat there, arms crossed for a few minutes. Trying not to budge an inch. Trying not to let just her smile and close proximity make him give in. He of course failed. Finally, he smiled and threw his hands up in the air. “Yeah, fine, she won, fair and square.” Donna gave everyone a pleased smile.

 

“I kind of figured that.” Beth said.

 

He looked over at Donna. “But to be fair, I was kind of distracted.” Donna gave him a curious look. “I mean she was wearing this outfit that, well…” He looked her up and down and saw her flush a little. “Any man would’ve been hard pressed to resist.” He put his arm on the back of her chair and leaned a little closer to her. “Mix in her incredible laughter and a smile that gives the sun competition, and I was a real goner.” He saw a warmth in Donna’s eyes that made his heart beat just a little bit faster. 

 

Beth smiled. “Sounds like that was one hell of a bowling game.”

 

Dean popped a french fry in his mouth and gave Donna a wicked grin. “It was nothing compared to the pool game.”

 

Donna shook her head, but grinned back. “Yeah, I won that too.” 

 

He gave her a big smile and nodded. “Not gonna even try and protest that one.” 

 

They stared at eachother for a few minutes, Dean forgetting for a moment that there was anyone else there. Sam cleared his throat. “Desert?” Dean pulled his eyes away from Donna and nodded. 

 

Dean presented them with a cherry pie that he actually baked himself. Donna’s eyes were so wide with delight that it felt like one of his greatest triumphs. 

 

He tried to not to focus too much on her mouth while she ate the pie. It was so damn distracting. 

 

Once they were done, Donna offered to help clean up the kitchen, but Beth shooed her away. “You're a guest.” Donna protested, but eventually gave in and sat back to watch as everyone cleaned up. 

 

Dean went to help and Beth stopped him. “Hey, why don’t you and Donna get out of here. We’ve got this.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yeah, go on. I know you’re dying to get her alone.” 

 

He blushed slightly.  “Thanks, Beth.” She smiled at him and he wandered over to Donna and knelt down in front of her, setting his hands on her knees. “So, we’re both off kitchen duty.” She smiled at him. “What do you say we retire to my room?”

 

“Sounds good.” He took her hands in hers and pulled her up. He nodded to Beth and she smiled at both of them and wished them a good night. Sam and Cas were distracted by whatever they were talking about and they just waved goodnight to them. 

 

Dean led Donna down the hall to his room, Lola following behind. They stopped at his door. “You know what, I forgot something. I’ll be right back.” She nodded and he gave her a kiss before heading back to the kitchen. He made sure Lola was in tow. 

 

“Hey, guys.” Everyone turned to look at him and he did a quick check behind him to make sure that Donna hadn’t decided to follow him back. “So, just want to ask that no one, and I mean no one, disturbs us for, say the next twelve hours.” He smirked.

 

Sam rolled his eyes. “Twelve hours?” He scoffed.

 

“Man did I hook up with the wrong brother.” Sam glared at Beth.

 

Dean smirked. “Sorry, sweetheart.” Now it was Dean’s turn to get the glare from Sam. He laughed and then looked down at Lola. “Um...also, could someone....I kind of feel weird having Lola in there. She’s a little too innocent for-”

 

Cas smiled. “I can take her, Dean.”

 

“Thanks, Cas.” He wished them a good night and headed back to his room.  

 

When he was a few feet away he heard the soft notes of the  _ Rumour _ album playing. He smiled to himself and continued on. When he looked inside he saw Donna sitting on the edge of the bed, back slightly turned toward the door. She was looking at the liner notes for the album and drumming her fingers in time to the music on top of the bed. She had taken down her hair and unbuttoned the top button on her shirt. She was playing with one tiny strand of hair as she continued to look a the album. He stood there, just taking her in for a few minutes. Watching as her fingers drummed out the melody. Noticed her mouth moving along with the words, but not quite singing. Saw her smile when a particular line or rhythm she liked would come on. Then all at once it hit him like a damn tidal wave and he felt his knees get shaky. He loved Donna. Not just loved, but cheesy chick flick, head over heels, crazy in love with her. The realization took his breath away and sent a shot of fear racing through his veins. His first instinct was to run before she had a chance to leave him. Push her away before the life he led took her from him. But somehow he didn’t. Instead he took a step further into the room. “I haven’t heard this album in forever.” Donna smiled up at him and he shut the door behind him, locking it for good measure. 

 

“I hope it’s okay that I put it on.”

 

“It’s perfect.” He sat down next to her and listened for a moment to the sound of  _ Stevie Nicks’ _ voice. “Man, my mom loved this album.”

 

“I thought these were your dad’s.”

 

“Some of them are, but a lot of them were hers.” He smiled wistfully. “She loved music. All kinds. Jazz, old school country, classic rock.”

 

She considered him for a moment. “So, you got your love of music from your mom?”

 

He looked at her. “I always say my dad, but yeah, I guess it started with her.” He looked down, smiling.

 

She took his hand, intertwining her fingers with his. “I’m sorry if I-”

 

He squeezed her hand. “You have nothing to apologize for.” He moved a stray hair behind her ear. “I wish you could’ve met her.’

 

“Me too”

 

The song changed and now the slow first notes of  _ Songbird _ started and Dean had the sudden urge to do something he would never have dreamt of. He stood up, with Donna’s hand in his. “Do you wanna dance?”

 

Her eyes widened in disbelief. “You wanna dance with me?”

 

“Yes.” She nodded and he took her other hand and pulled her to her feet. “Just fair warning, I’m not really the best dancer.”

 

“I’m sure you’re better than you think.” He put his arms around her back and pulled her closer to him. She put her hands on the nape of his neck. They started to sway softly to the music. “See, you’re not that bad.”

 

“It may have something to do with my partner.” She smiled and leaned forward to rest her head on his chest. Her hands moving to his back. He placed a kiss on her forehead and inhaled deeply. She smelled like peace. Like safety. Like hope. He could stay like this forever. 

 

***When the song ended, he pulled back slowly and touched the side of her face. He leaned down and gave her a soft kiss, before moving her hair aside to whisper in her ear. “You are so damn beautiful.” He felt her sigh and melt into his touch. He kissed her neck moving along and up to her jaw. He stopped when he got close to her lips and he looked at her. “I want you, Donna.” He kissed her softly and then he licked at her lips and she opened up for him. He pulled her flush to him and kissed her like his life depended on it. And truth was, it probably did. 

 

They came up for air and Dean ran his hand through her hair, smiling. Donna grinned back at him. “No one has ever looked at me like that.”

 

Dean gave her a quick kiss on the noise before he spoke. “Like what?”

 

“Like I’m the most beautiful thing they’ve ever seen.”

 

“Then they were all blind.” He gave her a kiss on the lips before placing more along her jaw line, down her neck. He stopped right where the skin dipped down below the shirt. He sighed and reached a hand up to the button. He looked up at her with all the hope in the world and he asked, “Can I?”

 

“Yes.” Her voice was a little shaky, but she gave him a warm grin and that was all it took.  

 

He gave her a quick kiss on her collarbone, before undoing the first button. For every button he undid, he placed a soft kiss to her skin. He was going to make this last as long as possible, even though his arousal was trying to tell him otherwise. He could feel her pulse racing with every kiss and her skin was flushed. He placed a kiss on her belly button and then stood up. He looked her in the eyes while he took her shirt off, tossing it behind him. He started to place small kisses on her shoulders, over every freckle. He grinned against her skin. “I think we match.”

 

Donna giggled softly, running her hand through his hair. “Maybe we should compare them.”

 

He smiled and switched over to her other shoulder, making sure not to miss a single freckle. He proceeded to kiss every bit of skin that was now revealed to him. It was like a treasure map and all he found was fortune. With every kiss there were the words _I love you_ in the background. But he couldn’t bring himself to say it, so his kisses would just have to do. Once he reached the top of her jeans he paused for a moment. He wanted to take them off. Wanted to have her naked before him, but he was determined to kiss as much of her as possible. She ran a hand down his still clothed back. “Dean?”

 

He didn’t answer, but instead stood and gave her a kiss on the mouth before pulling apart, running his hand along her stomach as he walked around to her back. He started placing open-mouthed kisses along her shoulder blades, down her spine, while his hands held on to her hips. She moaned into each one and he felt her legs shaking slightly. He placed kisses right above the waist of her jeans before standing back up. He slowly turned her around, but when he saw her face he stopped. Her eyes were wet and he saw that she was crying. He cupped her face. “What’s wrong? Did I do something?”

 

She moved her head to the side and kissed the palm of his hand. “You didn’t do anything.”

 

“Then what is?”

 

“It’s just...I’ve never had anyone take the time to...to kiss me.”

 

He gave her a smile and ran his thumb over her cheek. “You deserve to be worshiped and adored.” 

 

“Dean…” A tear ran down her cheek and he wiped it away. 

 

“If you want me to stop, I will.”

 

She leaned forward and gave him a kiss on his chin and then a quick peck on his mouth. “I don’t want you to stop.”

 

He felt a rush of relief flow through him, he leaned his forehead against hers. “Thank, God.” She chuckled softly and he pulled back, running his hands down her sides and over to her stomach. “So gorgeous.” He stopped on the button of her jeans and she nodded. He undid them and pulled down the zipper. He gave her one quick kiss before getting down on his knees to take the jeans off. Donna helped a little, her hand resting on his shoulders. When they were off, he stayed on bended knee and leaned forward, placing kisses on her knees, along her legs, his hands running up the back of her thighs to her ass, running his fingers over the silk of her underwear. He kissed her all the way down and felt her giggle when he got to her feet. He smiled and looked up at her. Her hair was a little bit of a mess and her skin was flushed and a little heated to the touch. She looked totally wrecked and he hadn’t even begun. It overwhelmed him a bit and he had to close his eyes for a moment and take a deep breath.

 

Once he had steadied himself, he slowly stood up and took a couple steps back. He looked her over from head to toe. She was wearing a matching pink bra and panties that were gorgeous. He saw her almost covering up her chest as his eyes paused there, like she was still afraid that she was nothing to write home about. But she resisted and instead left her arms down at her side and let him drink her in. After a moment he walked back over to her and pulled her flush to him, rolling his hips slightly, letting her know what she was doing to him. She closed her eyes and groaned when she felt his arousal pressing against her. 

 

He reached his hands behind her back until they reached the clasp of her bra. He held them there and kissed her while he undid it. He moved just his shoulders back, letting the bra fall to the floor. He continued kissing her until they were both breathless. He pulled back and ran his hands along the top of her breasts. He smiled at her before he bent down and kissed her breasts like he did every other inch of her. She arched into him, moaning and he growled into her skin. 

 

He ran his hands down her side and hooked his fingers in her underwear. He took one quick look up at her and she smiled. He slowly removed them. She was a little shaky and he realized he should probably get her back on the bed. He moved her back gently. “Lie back.” She nodded and did just that. He hovered over her for a minute, still completely clothed, and then he started to taste her. He ran his tongue down her chest, over her sides, down her stomach, and then over to her tattoos. He grinned and glanced up at her before he started to continue down. She placed a hand on his head. “Dean, you don’t have to.”

 

He grinned up at her. “Sweetheart, I want to taste every part of you I can.” She just nodded and he continued on down until he hit home base. She arched her back off the bed and muttered something that he couldn’t quite make out. He stayed there, finding the right places to lick. To kiss. To suck. Using his fingers to help her along. Pushing all the right buttons. Until he had her right he wanted her. He loved the sounds his ministrations were eliciting and he could have stayed there for hours. 

 

She cried out and he very briefly thought the whole house may have heard her. But he didn’t care about that. He felt her hands at his shoulders trying to pull him up to her and he let himself go. She pulled his mouth down to hers and the kiss was hungry. Needy. Their tongues dancing together. She reached a hand down and gently squeezed him through his jeans. He growled and may have thrusted a little bit. 

 

They pulled apart slightly, both of them breathing heavily. “I need you, Dean.” 

 

He nodded, words failing him. He took off his shirt, Donna placed quick kisses along his chest. He sat back a little bit and made quick work of his jeans and his boxers, freeing himself. He leaned over to reach for a condom in his drawer, but Donna’s hands stopped him. She gave him a little wink and reached into the drawer, pulling out a condom. She opened it with her teeth and it was almost too much. He closed his eyes and groaned. She rolled it on him and gave him a kiss while pulling him down. When they finally joined together he decided that this is what Heaven really felt like. She gently rolled them over, her on top now. Taking control. It was the sexiest goddamn thing he had ever seen. He watched as she slowly reached her second climax. Watched as her eyes changed and saw the overwhelming affection in them. She pulled him up into a searing kiss as she came and he shortly followed, with a slur of curse words and the moaning of her name. She collapsed on top of him and he held her in place for a few minutes, trying to catch his breath.

 

After a moment they rolled onto their sides and he gave her a kiss on the nose. “That was awesome.”

She chuckled. “You can say that again.” She ran a hand along his chest. “So, you were right about that hidden talent.”

 

He looked at her with a raised eyebrow, slightly confused, and then it hit him. He grinned at her. “Told you my tongue was talented.”

 

She let out a breath. “That it is.”

 

He chuckled and pulled her into his arms, kissing the top of her head. “Remember how I was joking about not leaving this room?” He felt her nodding against his chest. “Yeah, I think that may have been the best idea I ever had.”

 

She chuckled and wrapped her arms tighter around his waist. “Sounds good to me.” 

 

He ran his fingers along her back and felt her drift off to sleep. He felt her chest rising and falling with each peaceful breath and after a few minutes he whispered, “I love you,” before drifting off into a peaceful slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have never heard the song Songbird, you need to listen to it. It is a beautiful love song and I think it fits Dean and Donna perfectly. Here is a link to it on Youtube. https://youtu.be/wTi19MPOvDw
> 
> Thanks again for reading! <3


	10. Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Donna's date night is interrupted by a hunt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know things have been pretty fluffy, but that is about to change a bit. There is some angst toward the end and some cannon typical violence. <3

Dean woke up alone. No Donna. No Lola. It was an odd feeling and the loneliness of it overwhelmed him. He reached a hand out, feeling the other side of the bed, looking for some piece of Donna. It was a relief to find that it was still warm. He left his hand there for a few minutes, just letting the impression she left seep into his bones. Calm his nerves and take some of the loneliness away. He slowly opened his eyes all the way and looked at the spot at where she had been. Noticed the slight imprint her head had left on the pillow. The slight wrinkle in the sheets where her body had been. Yes, he may have even sniffed her pillow, inhaling her scent. Reminding himself that it was real. What had happened wasn’t just a dream. He was with Donna. He was in love. 

 

He sat up in bed and glanced around the room, his eyes pausing at some discarded clothing from the night before. A smile spread across his face and his stomach fluttered at the memories. The way Donna felt under him. The way her body responded to his touch. The way her skin heated up under his tongue. How her eyes sparkled when she looked at him. He had the sudden urge to touch himself, but he stopped. He wasn’t sure that would be something Donna would want to see if first thing if she walked in. Or maybe it would. He smirked to himself. 

 

He took a couple of deep breaths and tried to think about anything not related to Donna. After a few minutes, he was able to settle himself down a little. He grabbed his boxers, an undershirt and his robe and headed out to find her. 

 

When he neared the kitchen he stopped. He heard Donna and Sam talking, but he couldn’t quite make out all the words. But he did get the tone and it didn’t sound pleasant. He felt that old familiar dread rushing through his veins as he turned the corner. He saw them sitting at the table, picked over breakfast in front of them. Their posture was tense and he worried that he was about to enter the lion's den.

 

He quickly cleared his throat, “Morning.” They both looked up at him. Sam looked tired and a little worried, but he gave him a small smile. 

 

Whatever worry had been in Donna’s eyes started to vanish when she saw him. A smile spread across her face that was filled with such affection, joy and something else, that it instantly made the dread leave his body. “Morning.”

 

He leaned down and gave her a quick kiss on top of her head, running his hands down her arms. She was wearing his shirt and some little shorts. “Nice shirt.” 

 

Sam quietly cleared his throat and Dean looked up at him “Morning, Sam.”

 

“Morning.”

 

He grabbed a cup of coffee and some cereal. “I was gonna make breakfast this morning.” He sat down next to Donna. 

 

She gave him an apologetic smile and shrugged. “Sorry, I got hungry.” She looked down at her cup of coffee and a little wicked grin spread across her face. “Must’ve been that workout I got last night.” 

 

Dean nearly choked on his coffee and Sam just rolled his eyes and grimaced. “You guys do know I’m here, right?”

 

Donna gave him an apologetic smile. “Sorry. 

 

“Sammy’s just jealous.” Sammy gave him his bitch face and Dean just grinned at him. He looked around the kitchen. “Where’s Lola?”

 

“Cas took her for a walk.” 

 

He nodded and then glanced quickly between Sam and Donna. He didn’t want to ask, but he could still feel a tiny bit of tension in the room. Something hanging in the air between them. “So, what were you guys talking about before I got here.” He took a bite of cereal, but he kept his eyes on them. 

 

Donna looked a little worried and Sam leaned forward a bit. “Beth and I are heading out on a case.”

 

That wasn’t what he was expecting. “A case?”

 

“Yeah, another hunter back in California called Beth this morning. He’s got this demon case going on out there. Something with deals coming due before their time and he asked if we could help.”

 

“Oh.” He didn’t want to ask what he was about to ask, but he felt that duty surge through him. “Do you need me to come?” He chanced a quick glance at Donna and was relieved to see disappointment cross her face. 

 

“No, man. We got all the help we need.” Sam glanced at Donna and Dean saw a smile cross his face. “You and Donna stay here. Have fun.” Maybe that tension was just about the case. Maybe Sam was finally okay with all of this. 

 

“Is...is Cas going with you?” There was definitely hope when he asked it. Who could blame him.

 

Sam chuckled, “Sorry, he’s staying here.”

 

He couldn’t help but feel disappointment, but he just painted on a smile and gave a shrug. 

 

Sam excused himself, saying he and Beth had to get everything ready. 

 

Dean glanced over at Donna. “So, what are your plans tonight, say around seven-thirty?”

 

“Well, that’s awfully specific.” She made a show of looking at her phone. “Hm...looks like I’m in Kansas that day.”

 

“Good, because I’m taking you out on a date.”

 

She grinned widely at him and he saw her eyes sparkle. “Where?”

 

He shook his head. “That’s a surprise.”

 

“Not even a little hint?”

 

He pretended to consider it for a second, but then shook his head. “Not a chance.” The date wasn’t even that complicated or anything, but he liked keeping some mystery. Hopefully she would too. 

 

She tossed her napkin at him. “Now that’s just cruel.”

 

“It’ll be worth it. I promise.” Man did he hope that was true. 

 

“But I still get to wear my dress, right?”

 

He looked her up and down. “Oh yeah, definitely.” He licked his lips and leaned closer, putting his arm around the back of her chair. “I missed you this morning.”

 

She put her arms around his neck. “Sorry, hunger called.” 

 

“Well, next time let’s do breakfast in bed.”

 

She smiled. “Sounds like a plan.” He glanced down at her lips and she pulled him forward, closing the distance. He moaned into the kiss and ran a hand through her hair, to her neck, pulling her closer, almost off the chair. 

 

Sam cleared his throat, “Get a room, guys.”

 

Dean pulled his lips away, but kept his arm around her. “Aren’t you guys going soon or…”

 

Sam laughed. “I’ll miss you too, Dean.” He sat down and Dean pulled slightly away from Donna. Sam gave him the details about where they would be and where to reach them if any emergencies came up. Cas and Lola returned just as Sam and Beth were heading out. They tried to say goodbye to her, but she made a beeline for Dean, her whole body doing a little jig. He said hello to her and gave a fake protest when she covered him with kisses. Dean said goodbye to them and told them to be safe and to let him know when they got to California.

 

As he watched them walk out the door it hit him. There was something was different this time. This time he wasn’t filled with that same dread or worry about Sam leaving. This time it felt okay. Felt like he could survive.

* * *

As much as Dean wanted to spend the whole day alone with Donna, he found himself enjoying their time with Cas. The three of them talked, Donna asking tons of questions about the history of Angels and Cas’ time with Dean and Sam. He hoped that Cas would skip any embarrassing stories, but no such luck. He filled her in on the time Dean took him to that brothel. “Really, Dean. That’s how you thought Cas’ first time should be?”

 

He gave Cas a tight-lipped smile. “Thanks, Cas.” Cas just shrugged. “I just didn’t think the man should die without getting laid at least once.”

 

“I still can’t believe you took an angel to a place like that.”

 

“It was really quite awful.”

 

Dean held his hands up. “Hey, I never tried again, did I?”

 

“You did say that I should try online dating.”

 

Dean chuckled, “That was just a suggestion.”

 

Donna smiled at Cas. “Did you?”

 

“No. But Dean did.”

 

Donna chuckled and looked at him. “Really?”

 

“Again, thank you, Cas.” He shook his head. “I was...I was lonely and...everybody does it.”

 

Donna shrugged. “I’ve been on quite a few internet dating sites.”

 

Dean suddenly got really interested in this conversation. “Are you still on them?”

 

She took a sip of water and grinned. “I was until a few weeks ago. I figured I might not need them anymore.” And damn if that didn’t just make his heart sore. “Are you still on them?”

 

“Nope. Not since the first hook-up...I mean date, went so badly.”

 

“What happened?”

 

“Well, let’s just say she was a professional.”

 

Donna’s eyes got wide. “She was a prostitute?”

 

“Call girl, but yeah. And her charge was your soul.”

 

Her mouth fell open. “Wow, that’s a pretty steep price to pay just to get laid.”

 

Cas chimed in. “They didn’t charge that at the brothel Dean took me to.” They laughed and spent the rest of the afternoon trading stories. Playing some cards. Watching a couple of Netflix shows. It was nice. Peaceful. Real.

 

* * *

 

The suit he was wearing was probably nothing to write home about. Just a button down that he got new, or he should say slightly used. It was baby blue, with silver cufflinks. He decided not wear a tie and left the top button undone. Cas had taken Lola out for a nighttime walk and Dean was standing in the war room, waiting for Donna. He felt nervous. Dating still seemed like such a foreign concept to him. Even when he was with Lisa their date nights would usually consist of dinner at a sit down chain restaurant and a movie. He wanted to do something special for Donna. Something he wouldn’t normally do. 

 

He was looking down at his phone, trying to be as casual as possible, when Donna walked in. “Hey, handsome.”

 

He looked up and realized that sometimes prayers really are answered. Donna was wearing a sleeveless burgundy dress that went down to the floor. It hugged every curve perfectly and her creamy skin looked simply delicious next to it. Her hair was down and curled even more than usual. It cascaded over her shoulders. She wore a simple gold necklace and little studded earrings. The red lipstick she wore accentuated her beautiful lips perfectly. His fingers itched to touch her. 

 

He hadn’t realized how long he had been staring until he saw her nervously looking down at her dress. “Is this too-”

 

He walked over and took her hand. “You look absolutely stunning.” She blushed slightly and he kissed her hand. 

 

“Thanks.” 

 

He smiled at her and glanced down at his watch. “So, you ready to head out?”

 

“Oh shoot, I left my jacket in our...I mean your room.” She looked down, embarrassed at the slip, but it made his heart race and he wanted to tell her that she didn’t need to correct herself. He nodded and she hurried back toward his, or their, room. 

 

He stood there waiting for her to return when his phone rang. He looked down and saw Sam’s name on the caller ID. He let out a sigh and answered. “This better be good, man.”

 

“Dean, I’m sorry, but there’s something that’s come up.” Dean listened and as he did he felt some of the wind let out of his sails. He sunk down into a chair and cursed his job.

 

* * *

 

He sat at the table in the war room, his phone in his hand and his head down. It shouldn’t upset him so much. It was just his job. Just par for the course. But he didn’t want to let Donna down. He wanted to make her happy. Wanted to sweep her off her feet. As crazy as that sounded. But the bubble had to completely burst at some point. 

 

Donna walked back into the room carrying a little black jacket. “Sorry that took so long. I wanted to re-touch-” She stopped when she saw him. “What’s wrong?”

 

He sighed and set his phone down on the table. “Sam called.”

 

She sat down next to him. “Is everything okay?”

 

“Yeah, just...well, another hunter a couple towns over was in the middle of hunting some ghost and the idiot got arrested for breaking and entering.” He sat back. “They won’t release him till morning and I’m the nearest hunter, so...”

 

“You have to go.” He could see the utter disappointment on her face and he wanted to kick himself. 

 

“I’m so sorry, Donna. I asked if it could wait till tomorrow, but they’ll be workers out there in the morning. Apparently this house is being remodeled and there’ve been a couple deaths so far and-”

 

“It’s okay, it’s your job.”

 

“Yeah, but you look so beautiful and I had this whole night planned and…”

 

She gave him a genuinely warm smile and kissed his cheek. “It’s okay, we can do it later.”

 

“Good news is, the other hunter did all the research already. He even started to dig up the body in the house.”

 

She grimaced. “In the house?”

 

“Yeah, apparently she’s buried in the walls.”

 

“Yikes.” 

 

He gave her a soft smile and started to stand up. “Well, I better get changed.”

 

“Me too.” She stood and he looked at her for a moment. The fact that he couldn’t enjoy a whole night of her in that dress was a horrible injustice. “And I’ll get my gun and other-”

 

“Your gun?”

 

“Yeah, I’m going with you.”

 

“No. You’re not.”

 

She crossed her arms. “I’m not?”

 

“I’m just gonna ask Cas.”

 

“So, I’m not good enough to go?”

 

“Donna, you know that’s not what-”

 

“You know I go on hunts on my own.”

 

“Yeah, I know. And I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that.”

 

“Meaning to talk to me about that? Is that code for ‘you’re my woman now, so no more hunting for you’?” 

 

“No. Not at all. I know you are more than capable and I like the fact that you kick ass.”

 

“But?”

 

_ But I love you and I don’t think I could survive losing you. _ “Nothing. I’m sorry, I just want you safe.”

 

“Hey, I can protect myself.”

 

“I know that. But you’re on vacation. Wouldn’t you rather just stay here with Lola?”

 

She shook her head. “I’m going with you whether you like it or not. Besides, you need me there.” She smirked. “I’m a sheriff and you’re about to commit a crime that the other guy was busted for.”

 

She had a point. “I’m not winning this, am I?”

 

“Nope.” She smiled. “Besides, I think it would be fun to go hunting together.”

 

“We’ve been hunting before.”

 

“True, but now…” She sidled up to him and put her arm around his waist, pulling him a little closer to her. “Now it’s a little hot.”

 

“Hot?” He chuckled. “So, now hunting turns you on?”

 

“There’s only one way to find out.” She leaned up and placed a tiny kiss right behind his ear and he knew he wasn’t going to be able to say no. 

 

“Fine.” She pulled back smiling. “But if anything seems fishy or-”

 

“Dean, I’ll be fine.”

 

“Okay, well let’s go get changed then.” She grinned and he watched as she headed toward his room. A shot of fear rushed through his veins. 

 

Cas had offered to join them, but Dean said it was fine. Someone needed to stay behind with Lola and it was just a simple salt and burn. Body already found. Nothing would happen to them. And maybe if he kept saying that he would eventually believe it. 

 

Donna brought along her badge, just in case they would need it. She grabbed a couple of weapons that she had brought with her; a gun with salt rounds, a silver plated knife and silver plated handcuffs. He couldn’t deny that there was something sexy about it, but he couldn’t help the dread that was gnawing at him. 

 

They arrived at the house a couple of hours later, just as the sun had set. Instantly it became apparent that it was a good idea to have Donna along. There was a cop stationed in a vehicle outside the house. His guess was the new owners had decided they needed round the clock surveillance now. Donna gave him a “I told you so” look and he just shrugged. 

 

She knocked on the cop car’s window, her sheriff’s badge on display, and he saw the police officer jump a little. “Sheriff, what…” A smile spread across the man’s face. “Donna Hanscum? I mean Sheriff Hanscum?”

 

He saw Donna paint on a smile that was filled with annoyance and he took a step closer to her. “Deputy Harrison?”

 

“Chris.”

 

“Right, Deputy Chris Harrison.”

 

The cop got out of his car, a smile spread from ear to ear. “Man, what has it been, two years?”

 

“Yep. Sounds about right.” 

 

He looked her over, clearly pleased with what he saw. “You’re looking good.” Dean wanted to wipe that expression right off his face. Donna must have sensed it, as she placed a hand across his chest to stop him. 

 

“Thanks.” His eyes drifted over to Dean and he looked utterly defeated. Dean couldn’t help the shit eating grin that spread across his face. “This is one of my new Deputies, Dean-”

 

“Dean Goodbody.” He held out his hand and Donna rolled her eyes. Chris looked at his hand like it was infected, but eventually gave him a little handshake. 

 

“So, what brings you here Sheriff?”

 

“Well, you see that man you arrested, he kind of...he’s wanted for a string of home burglaries back in Stillwater.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Oh, yeah. Real piece of work.” She nodded her head. “So, I’m here to transfer him back.”

 

“If you’re transferring him why did you-”

 

Dean spoke up. “We just want to check out the house. See if he did any damage you didn’t see. He likes to steal wiring from houses.” Chris knitted his brow. “There’s an underground market for it.”

 

“Really?”

 

Donna smiled. “Oh, yeah. So, we’re gonna just go in and check it out, see what we can find.” They started heading toward the house.

 

“Wait, I can help you guys if-”

 

Donna smiled back at him. “You just keep a lookout out here. We know what we’re looking for.” She turned back around and Dean gave Chris a smug little smile, placing a hand on Donna’s lower back for good measure. Donna whispered, “Dean, you’re supposed to be my deputy. Deputies don’t put their hands on the sheriff.”

 

“Oh I think Deputy Goodbody has done more than that already.” 

 

“Dean-” She tried to give him a stern look, but he saw the grin tugging at the corners of her mouth. 

 

They got up to the house and Dean started to work the door open. “So, how do you know Deputy dumbass back there?”

 

“He’s not dumb, Dean. Just, kind of annoying.” Dean chuckled. “We met at some seminar thing and he kind of...we kind of went out on a couple of dates.”

 

Dean stopped what he was doing and stared at her. “You went out with that idiot?”

 

“He’s not an idiot. He is boring though.”

 

“Well, those dates obviously left an impression on him.” He walked into the house, Donna behind him. “I think he wanted to rip your clothes off.” He gritted his teeth just thinking about it. 

 

Donna laughed and grabbed his arm. “Are you jealous?”

 

“Of that guy. No way.”

 

“Oh, I don’t know. I think Deputy Goodbody has a little green eyed monster on his shoulder.”

 

He wrapped an arm around her waist. “Never.” She grinned and he leaned down to give her a quick kiss. “We should get this over with.”

 

“Okay. Where’s she buried again?”

 

“Behind the wall in the master bedroom.”

 

They started heading up the stairs, guns drawn, when they both felt the chill. Dean instinctively reached out to Donna, placing a hand in front of her. “Remember if anything happens, Donna, you run out and-”

 

“Dean, I’m fine.” They continued up the stairs, when a figure appeared before them. Dean shot first and she vanished into thin air. “I think we need to speed it up.”

 

He nodded and they rushed up the stairs. When they reached the top, she appeared again. This time Donna shot and she vanished. “Shit, I was hoping this would be an in and out.”

 

“Told you you needed back up.” They reached the master bedroom and he saw the far wall, already partially exposed, a green tarp poking out. 

 

They were about to go there, when the ghost showed up again. Before they could get a shot off, she threw Dean against the opposite wall. His head just missed hitting it. Donna took a shot and the ghost disappeared. She ran to his side. “You okay?” 

 

He shook his head and then looked behind her. His eyes widened and he tried to reach for his gun, but it was too late. The ghost grabbed Donna around the throat, throwing her out of the room. “Donna!” He took a shot and the ghost vanished again. He scrambled to his feet and ran toward Donna. “Donna, sweetheart, can you hear me?”

 

“Sheriff?” Chris’s voice came from downstairs. He heard his footsteps on the stairs and he should have stopped him, but he could only focus on Donna.

 

“Baby?” She still didn’t open her eyes. 

 

“What the hell happened?” Chris appeared before him. “What did you do to her?” He drew his gun on Dean and the situation just got worse.

 

“Look, we need to get her out of here before-” The ghost appeared, grabbing Dean and throwing him toward the wall. He tossed some salt at her and she vanished. 

 

“What the hell was that?”

 

Dean ran back over to him. “Just get her out of here!” He reached for the gun Donna had been carrying and handed it to him. And shoot if you see that thing again. 

 

“Was that a ghost?”

 

“Yes, now go!” The ghost appeared again and he took another shot, hoping it would hold till he had a chance to burn her bones. “Now!”

 

Finally Chris got in motion and picked her up. Dean turned back to the wall and started to pull the tarp out. He felt the ghosts hands around his throat pulling him back. Luckily his free hand was holding salt, and he sprayed her in the face. It bought him just enough time to salt the bones. He had the match lit and in his hands when she appeared again. He dropped the match on her bones as she ran toward him. He watched as she vanished and he took off. 

 

When he got outside he saw Chris standing by the back door of the parole car looking up at the house. His face was white as a sheet. “Where’s Donna!?”

 

“I’m here.” He saw her poking her head out of the back of the patrol car. 

 

He ran over to her and looked her over. “Are you okay?”

 

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

 

“We’re gonna take you to the hospital just to be safe.”

 

“Dean, I’m-”

 

“No arguments.” He gave her a tight smile and kissed her forehead. He stood back up and looked at Chris. “Hey, can you give us an escort?” He was just staring at the house, muttering something about ghosts and calling for back-up. 

 

“He’s a little shook up.” Donna started to stand and he saw her stumble. 

 

He put a hand on her elbow to steady her. “Hey, just take it easy.” She nodded and sat back down.

 

Dean snapped his fingers in front of his face. “Deputy Harrison?”

 

He shook his head, looked around and seemed to remember where he was. “What?”

 

“I’m gonna take Donna to the hospital. Can you escort us?”

 

He looked back at Donna, who gave him a small smile. “Hi, Donna.” He looked back at Dean. “Yeah, police escort. I can do that.”

 

“Great.” He took Donna’s arm and started to lift her up. 

 

“I can just take her in my car.”

 

She stood and put an arm around Dean to steady herself. “I got it.”

 

“Really, it’s-”

 

“It’s not an option.” Chris seemed to know it wasn’t worth arguing and he got into the car while saying something about calling the fire department on the way. Dean didn’t even care about that. 

 

He helped Donna into the passenger seat, giving her a quick once over before he headed over to his side. He peeled out and followed the police cruiser. 

 

Once they got to the hospital, Deputy Harrison was able to get a doctor right away. Guess it paid to be a cop. Dean helped Donna into the examination room and the doctor asked him to wait outside. “No. I’m staying here.”

 

“Sir-”

 

“There’s no way I’m leaving.”

 

Donna smiled up at him. “It’s okay.”

 

He didn’t want to do it. Didn’t want to leave her for a second. Not when he didn’t know what was going on, but he relented. He stood outside the examination room, just staring at the door. He felt his heart rate accelerating and could sense the fear that was scratching at the back of his brain. He grabbed his phone and called Cas.

 

After what seemed like forever, the doctor came out and said he could go in to see her. “Is she okay?”

 

He considered Dean for a minute and he could tell the doctor didn’t trust him for some reason. Maybe he blamed Dean for whatever happened. He couldn’t blame him. “She’ll be fine. Just a concussion and a few scrapes and bruises.”

 

“Thank you.” The doctor gave him a tight smile before leaving. 

 

He walked into the room and Donna looked up at him and smiled. “If it isn’t Deputy Goodbody.” He walked over to her, taking her hand. “So, I guess being thrown around happens to the best of us.”

 

“I’m so sorry, Donna.” He looked down at her, she looked so fragile. So human. 

 

“Hey, I’m okay. Just a slight concussion.”

 

“I called Cas. He’ll be here soon.”

 

“Cas? Dean I don’t need Cas.”

 

He continued. “He’ll heal all your scrapes and bruises.”

 

“Dean, I don’t need him to do that.”

 

“He should be hear in a couple hours or so. Or we can meet him halfway or-” 

 

“Hey, look at me, Dean.” He closed his eyes and forced himself to look back at her. “I’m okay. I’m alive. I’m here.”

 

“I shouldn’t have brought you. I should’ve insisted that Cas-”

 

“This isn’t your fault.”

 

“You’re in the hospital. And the way that doctor looked at me, I-”

 

She took his hand and placed it over her heart. “Hear that? It’s beating and I’m breathing.”

 

He nodded quickly and looked down. He could feel his heart beating faster. Could feel the worry and dread threatening to take over everything. His breath wanting to become labored. He took a deep breath and sat at the edge of the bed. “Yeah. Okay.”

 

She looked up at his face, her eyes traveling over some of the scratches he had. “Did you get those checked out?”

 

“It’s nothing. I’m fine” She looked at him like she was begging for him to see the irony in that statement. 

 

“Have Cas fix them when he gets here.”

 

“I don’t need Cas to-”

 

“Hey, if he’s gonna fix me, he’s gonna fix you.” He gave her a soft smile and tried to stay calm. Tried to quiet the voices in his head. Tried to just pay attention to her breath. To her heartbeat. To her life. 

 

* * *

 

Cas arrived about an hour later and he wasted no time in healing Donna. She thanked him and gave him a big hug, muttering that she owed him. He grinned at her and told her it was his pleasure. She turned to Dean and asked Cas if he could fix him up. Dean protested, insisting he was fine. He didn’t need it and truth was he didn’t feel like he deserved it. Only after both Donna and Cas pleaded with him did he give in. He saw a tired expression cross Cas’ face for a brief second and he worried that maybe two healings in a row had taken a toll on his friend. But soon Cas was back to normal and they headed back to the bunker.

 

Donna slept for most of the ride back and he tried to calm his nerves. Tried to stop his heart from pounding. She was safe. She was perfect. 

 

When they got back to the bunker he insisted that she let him help her to his room. After a minute of arguing, she finally gave up and let him help her. 

 

“I’m gonna go get you some water and some pain pills just in case.” He turned to leave. 

 

“Wait, please.” He turned back around. “Will you just sit with me for a second?”

 

“I should really get you-”

 

She held her hand out toward him. “Please.” He nodded and walked over to the bed, sitting down next to her, but not quite touching her. “Dean, are you afraid of me?”

 

“What? Why would I be afraid of you?”

 

“You’ve barely touched me since I got hurt.” 

 

“I was afraid to hurt you.”

 

“Hurt me?” She grabbed his hand, forcing him to look at her. “You could never hurt me.”

 

How he wished that was true. But that’s all he did really. “That’s not true.”

 

“How many times do I have to tell you that this was not your fault?”

 

“You wouldn’t even know about hunting if it wasn’t for me.”

 

“Yeah, and I also wouldn’t have met you.” She squeezed his hand. “Please don’t blame yourself for this.”

 

He held her hand in his lap and looked down. “When I saw you there, I just...it was like this bubble I was living in just burst.”

 

She took her free hand and turned his face toward her. She cupped the side of his face. “You can’t protect me from everything, Dean.” She gave him a soft smile and he saw this urgency in her eyes, like she was afraid of something. Afraid of losing something. She leaned forward, placing her forehead to his. Their breath mingled together and for a fleeting second he forgot everything else. “I’m not going anywhere. I want to be with you. I want you.” 

 

“You shouldn’t be comforting me. I should be comforting you.”

 

“Hey, we can comfort each other.”  

 

They sat like that for what seemed like forever, no words spoken. Not even a kiss given. Just touching and breathing each other in. He realized that maybe she was trying to hold on to him. Afraid that if he got up, he would never return. Truth was he was afraid of that too. 

 

Eventually they pulled apart and he made his way to the kitchen to get her some water and pain pills, despite her protests. She squeezed his hand briefly before he went and he tried to give her a reassuring squeeze back, but the sad smile on her face told him that he had failed at that too. 

 

Cas was in the kitchen, sipping a cup of coffee and having one of his silent conversations with Lola. He looked up when Dean arrived and Lola left Cas’s side to give him a quick kiss hello. 

 

“How is Donna?”

 

“She’s better now.” Dean filled two glasses of water. “Thanks for everything, Cas.”

 

He smiled at him and nodded his head. He watched as Dean downed half a glass of water. “Are you okay?”

 

He sighed and leaned against the kitchen counter. “I’m fine. Just tired.” He finished his glass of water and set it on the counter behind him. “Did healing me hurt you?”

 

Cas cocked his head to the side and considered him. “No. Why do you ask?”

 

“Nothing, you just looked a little drained after.”

 

“Sometimes it does drain my power a bit, but I’m fine.”

 

“Cas, I don’t want you to ever heal me again. I mean not for something minor.”

 

“Dean, I like to be-”

 

“I’m serious.” Cas studied his face for a minute, he could see concern there. But then it was pushed down and he simply nodded. “Thanks.” 

 

When he got back to the bedroom, Donna was under the covers and by the soft rise and fall of her chest he could tell she was sleeping. Lola went over to the bed and looked up at him. He nodded and she gently jumped up. It was like she knew that things were fragile. That she needed to make everything softer somehow. 

 

He set the water and pills down and watched Donna for a moment. Counted each breath. Studied each movement. Watched for any signs of distress. Tried to let her peaceful slumber take him over, but instead his hands started shaking and his palms became sweaty. He didn’t want to take the chance that she would wake to this, so he quietly left the room and ran toward the bathroom. 

 

He locked the door behind him and headed to the sink. He splashed his face with cold water and tried to steady his breathing. Tried to remember that everything was okay. She was perfect. She was breathing. She was just sleeping. 

 

He looked at his reflection in the mirror and hated what he saw. He had dragged sunshine into his darkness. That had to be some kind of sin. He leaned over the sink, staring daggers at his own reflection. “It’s all your fault. She could’ve been killed. All because of you.” He felt his shoulders shaking and his heart racing. “All because of you.” He didn’t want to cry. He didn’t think he deserved the indulgence of tears. But he couldn’t stop them from coming and before he knew it he was sitting on the floor, his back pressed against the cold bathroom door, knees up to his chest and he started to sob. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one of those bumps I mentioned awhile back. Hope you guys still enjoyed it. I also know that therapy sessions have been light during this part of the series. They will be returning with the next chapter. Thanks again for reading. <3


	11. Bluer Than Midnight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean has a nightmare that sends him into a panic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter comes from the song by The The. I think it fits Dean and this situation. So, check it out if you get a chance. 
> 
> Some little notes: Things are very bumpy in this chapter and there are panic attacks, discussion of nightmares (violent nightmare) and talk about PTSD. Hugs to everyone reading. <3

He was dreaming. Deep down he knew that. But it still felt real. A little too real. It was the same dream he had been having for months now. Years. He was in the bunker. Sam, Beth and Cas were there, but they couldn’t see him. Couldn’t hear him. Yelling in their faces did nothing. Trying to break things was a fruitless effort. Everything would repair itself after it shattered. Lola was there this time. She ran up to Sam, nudging his hand. Dean tried to touch her. Tried to get her to see him. But his hand slipped right through her like she was a cloud. 

 

The familiar dream always had elements that would change. New faces. Old faces. But something was different this time. Something that had never been different before. Someone who used to be unable to see him, saw him. 

 

Donna tapped him on his shoulder and he turned around. He was relieved to see her at first, but then he really saw her and his smile faltered. She was covered in bruises, cuts, scratches and so much blood he didn’t even know how she was standing. He tried to get Cas’ attention. Tried to find something to heal her. Something to sew up her cuts, but nothing would work. She just stared at him. Eyes filled with betrayal. He tried to apologize. Tried to understand what was happening. How she had been hurt. What had been done it to her. But he found nothing.

 

Then, without a word, she pointed down at his hand. He looked down and saw it. It was soaked in blood. Her blood. The blade. His arm glowing and the Mark back. He shook his hand and tried to drop it, but it was like it was glued to him. Like it had become a part of his anatomy. He tried to reach out to her. Tried to find some way to tell her this wasn’t him. This couldn’t be him. 

 

Donna reached up, placing a bloody hand on his face. “Remember, poison kills everything it touches and you will always be poison.” She screamed so loudly that he thought his eardrums might shatter. No one else around them even heard. They just carried on with their lives. He tried covering his ears, but the blade held one of his hands down. And then without a word it shot up and toward Donna.

 

He shot up in bed, out of breath and covered in sweat. He quickly glanced down at his arm, checking to see if the Mark had branded him yet again. There was nothing. He looked over and saw that Donna’s side of the bed was empty. Lola was gone too. He jumped out of bed and tore down the hallway screaming. He looked in the bathroom; nothing. He stopped in Sam’s room. Nothing again. His heartbeat had sped up and his blood felt like it was on fire. 

 

“Donna, where are you!?” He looked in Cas’ room and no one was there. Maybe he was still dreaming. 

 

He ran down the rest of the hallway, looking in every doorway. Screaming for her. His face dripping with sweat and his clothes sticking to his skin. He turned the corner to the kitchen and he saw her. Her back to him. She was standing by the stove, her hips swaying from side to side. He ran to her, grabbed her arm and turned her around. An earbud fell from her ear and her eyes widened when she saw him. “Dean? What is-” He pulled her into his arms and held her tightly. Held her like he was drowning and she was his life preserver. 

 

“I couldn’t find you.”

 

“I was right here.” 

 

He pulled back a little and cupped her face. “I yelled for you and you didn’t answer.”

 

She pointed to the earbud that had fallen onto the counter. He stared at it for a second and then looked back up at her, his eyes trying to focus on realty. Trying to remind himself that this was real. That the dream hadn’t come true. 

 

She looked him over and her eyes took on a shocked expression. “Dean, I think you need to sit down.” Focus. He needed to focus, but he couldn’t. Instead he started touching her. Touching pieces of skin. Inspecting for damage. “Baby, can you hear me?” He continued on, running his hand over her face, through her hair. Trying to touch all of her, but there was still so much he couldn’t reach. 

 

She grabbed his arm, forcing him to stop and look at her. “Dean! Look at me.” He looked at her face. Looked in her eyes. Saw the color there. Saw the deep brown he could get lost in. “Can you see me?” He blinked and it all came into clear focus. The dream world gone. “Come on. I want you to sit down.” He nodded and she led him to the table. “I’m gonna get you some water.” He nodded and looked straight ahead as she poured him a glass.

 

Donna knelt down in front of him, water in hand. “Here, I want you to drink this.” He nodded and took the glass of water. He started to drink and couldn’t stop. She placed a hand on his. “Easy.” He stopped and she took the glass from him, setting it on the table behind him. “Do you know where you are?”

 

He looked at her for a moment and then nodded. “The bunker. The kitchen in the bunker.”

 

“Right.” She ran a hand over his arm, trying to sooth him. He shivered and she pulled the hand away. He wanted to beg her to put it back. Beg her to make him believe this was all real. That she was okay. “What do you need?”

 

He swallowed, looked at her and tried to think. He nodded and choked out an answer. “My pills.” 

 

“Where are they?”

 

“Bedside table.” 

 

“Okay. I’m gonna go get them. You just stay right here and keep breathing.” She gave him a quick reassuring smile and then left the kitchen. 

 

He took a few more sips of water and looked around him. This was reality. She was fine. She was alive. He looked down at his arms, no signs of the Mark. His clothes were drenched, but he had pretty much stopped sweating. 

 

Donna returned, his pills in hand. She knelt back down in front of him, quickly looked at the label, and then placed the pills in his hand. He tossed them back. She held onto his hands and he could feel her trying to ground him. He took in a few deep breaths, trying to let the pills flow through his veins. Calm his blood. Calm his mind. 

 

After a few minutes he could feel the pills doing their job. Could feel the panic subsiding and going to a low simmer. 

 

He squeezed her hand and tried to give her a smile. Tried to reassure her. But it came out more as an awkward grimace. He sniffed the air and knitted his brow. “I think something’s burning.”

 

“Oh shoot.” She dropped his hand and ran over to the stove. “I was gonna surprise you with breakfast in bed, but now it’s burnt.”

 

“It’s okay. I don’t think I could eat anyway.” 

 

She walked back over and pulled a chair closer to him. She placed a gentle hand on his cheek. “Are you doing better?”

 

“Yeah. I’m sorry that you had to-”

 

“Shh…” She pulled him into her arms and ran her fingers through his hair. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” 

 

She held him for several minutes until he pulled slightly away. She kept a hand on his arm. “Where are Cas and Lola?”

 

“Cas took her on a drive to some park.”

 

“Good.” He didn’t want her to see him like this. See him so broken. She brushed a strand of hair off his forehead. He looked down at her and felt some shame coursing through him. “I’m sorry if I got sweat on you or-”

 

“Hey, I don’t care about that.” She gave him a chaste kiss and smiled at him, one hand on his cheek. “Come on. Let’s go take a shower. You’ll feel better.” 

 

She stood up, taking his hand. “Okay.”

 

She helped him take off his clothes, giving him a couple of kisses as she did so. Nothing needy in them. Nothing sexual. Just concern. 

 

She stripped off her clothes quickly, more as a means to not get them wet. She turned on the water and got it to the perfect temperature. She took his hand and led him into the shower. It should’ve made him run. Should’ve made him push her away. She was light, taking care of darkness. He shouldn’t let her do this. But he needed her to more than he had never anything before. 

 

She washed his hair, massaging his scalp, making sure not to get any water in his eyes. She lathered up a washcloth and started to wash his body. Her hands gentle and soothing. She rinsed him off and then quickly washed herself. She gave him a few more reassuring and tender kisses. Letting him know she was still there. 

 

She reached behind him and turned off the shower. She grabbed two towels for herself, wrapping one around her hair and another around her body. She then led him out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist. Taking another one to give his hair a quick towel dry. She smiled at him. “Feel better?”

 

“Yes.” She took his hand and started to lead him from the bathroom. He stopped her and she looked up at him. “Thank you.”

 

She touched his face and gave him that look. That look he was afraid to name. That look filled with so much adoration it made his stomach flip. He wrapped his arms around her waist, bent slightly down and rested her head on his chest. The sounds of her heartbeat filled his head. Flowed through his veins. Breathing life into him. She ran her fingers through his hair, kissing the top of his head, whispering endearments into the air. 

 

When they finally dressed, Donna made him a huge breakfast. She tossed out the burnt pancakes and decided to make french toast, eggs, sausage and some fresh fruit. It was absolutely delicious. He was feeling a little steady. A little bit more grounded. But the nightmare still haunted his mind. Little images would flicker in his mind when he would look at her. Flashes of blood. Pain. And her words. 

 

Cas returned with Lola when they were busy cleaning up the kitchen. She made a beeline for Dean, her tail wagging and her face turned up in a huge grin. She nuzzled his hand and he knelt down, scratching behind her ears. She studied him for a minute and he could’ve sworn that she was trying to communicate with him the way that she would with Cas. He wished he could do that. After a minute, she blinked and took a step forward. She gave him a kiss on his cheek. Not one of her all out, sloppy dog kisses, but something softer. She put her head on his shoulder and it was like she was trying to hug him. Trying to ground him even more. He put his arms around her and held her for a moment. 

 

He let go of her and she took a step back, gave him another quick look. Donna smiled down at him and shook her head. “That’s one special dog.”

 

He smiled at Lola and patted her on the head. “Yeah, she is.”

 

* * *

 

The rest of the day went by without another panic attack, but he could feel the threat of one always under the surface. Just itching to break through. He could tell Donna wanted to talk about it. Wanted to help him. Wanted to shelter him somehow. She made him lunch, would sneak little glances his way that were filled with worry. Questions about why it had happened in the first place. Concern that she may have been the cause somehow. He just wanted to try and go back in time. Try to make it so that she never had to see him crumbling. 

 

They were sitting in the library, talking about some book that had caught her eye. Some other distraction to keep from talking about what was really on her mind. Dean painted on a smile that he hoped would come across as relaxed. “So, we still need to go out on that date.”

 

“Yeah, we can do that some other time.”

 

“Hey, I promised you a date and I plan on keeping that promise.”

 

She grinned, but he saw the hesitation in it. Her eyes were clouded with worry and he wished he could just take that away. But the knot in his stomach was giving her eyes a run for their money. “Well, I’m here for a few more days.” She frowned and looked down when she said those words. Like the idea of leaving him was crushing her inside. He didn’t feel like he deserved that. 

 

“See, I was thinking that we could head out in an hour.”

 

Her mouth opened slightly and she looked around, like she was looking for some punchline to a joke. “An hour?”

 

“Yeah, it won’t be exactly what I had planned, but you can still wear that dress if you want.”

 

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

 

“Why?”

 

She leaned forward. “You’ve had a rough day, Dean and I-”

 

“I’m fine, Donna.” He held out his hand and his stomach dropped a bit when he saw it shaking. He quickly pulled it back and rubbed his hand. She gave him a sad smile. “I just had too much coffee.”

 

“I think we should stay in. Maybe we can order a pizza. If pizza even delivers here? Or we can go into town and-”

 

“I want to take you out!” She sat back a little, her eyes darting across his face. He didn’t mean to yell. He really didn’t. “I’m sorry. I just...I just really wanted to take you out.”

 

She took his hand carefully. Maybe even fearfully and man he hated that. “Okay. We can go out. But maybe something quiet. Nothing too...loud.”

 

“Yeah. I can do that.”

 

She searched his face for a few minutes, probably searching for signs of some sort of threat. Some sort of danger. “I’m gonna go get changed.” She squeezed his hand and then headed to their room. Their room? Maybe he should stop thinking that. 

 

Dean decided to stay in his jeans, black t-shirt and blue button up over it. He didn’t look too bad, if you didn’t count the circles that had appeared below his eyes or the dilated pupils. Donna did not wear the dress. Instead she wore a pair of black jeans and a flowy white blouse. Her hair up in a ponytail. She looked beautiful, but he felt sad for some reason. Like maybe a dress could’ve saved whatever was breaking inside of him. 

 

They said goodbye to Lola and Cas and he led her out to the car. She smiled at him as she climbed into the passenger seat. But he noticed it didn’t quite reach her eyes. “So, where are we going?”

 

He had no idea. No clue. Nothing.  What he had planned before involved music. A dance floor and some cheesy romantic stuff. Now he didn’t know what to do. He closed the driver’s side door and sat there, looking straight ahead “I…I don’t…” He shut his eyes. “I’m sorry, I didn’t even think and-”

 

Donna placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed. “Where do you take Lola when you don’t walk her around here?”

 

“You mean like a park?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“She loves this place called Glen Elder Park.”

 

“Let’s go there.”

 

He looked at her, his brow furrowed. “You wanna go to a park?”

 

“Sure, why not.”

 

He looked at her for a moment. Trying to decide how to proceed. “Okay.” He put the car in gear and started to pull out of the garage.

 

They stopped at a drive thru on the way, picking up some greasy picnic food. When they got near the park he realized that maybe it wouldn’t even be open. Maybe he would already be ruining their first date. But luckily it was. No barrier in the way. 

 

He found a parking spot near the lake and turned off the car. “I think I have a blanket in the trunk.”

 

“Sounds good.” He got out of the car and rummaged through the trunk, pulling out a scratchy little blanket. He cursed himself for not having something softer.  

 

They walked toward the lake and set up the blanket near a tree. There was a chill in the air and he thought maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe they should eat in the car. Donna sidled up to him, putting one arm through his and pulled out their food. “It’s really beautiful here.”

 

“You should see it when the sun’s up.”

 

“We’ll have to do that some time.”

 

He picked at his sandwich, not really hungry. “This isn’t the date I planned. I’m sorry.”

 

“Dean, all I need is to be with you.”

 

He looked at her and saw nothing but truth in her eyes. “I promise I’ll make it up to you.”

 

She squeezed his arm. “Hey, there’s nothing to make up to me. I’ve got greasy food and a handsome man by my side. What more could a girl want?” He smiled, leaned forward and gave her a quick kiss. 

 

They continued to eat in silence, Dean forcing the sandwich down.

 

After a while, he could tell that she was freezing. Her teeth were lightly chattering and her skin was cold to the touch. “We should go back to the car.”

 

She shivered and nodded her head vigorously. “Good idea.”

 

They grabbed the blanket and jogged to the car. 

 

He turned on the car, cranking the heater and was about to put the car in reverse when Donna placed a hand on his arm. “Is there a place we can get some coffee and maybe a slice of pie?”

 

“You don’t want to go home?”

 

“Not yet. Unless you want to.”

 

“No. Coffee and pie sounds good.” He smiled. Maybe things were going to go back to the way they were. Maybe they could survive this. 

 

They stopped at a local diner that was open twenty-four hours. It was nearly empty, just a man at the counter who looked like he had just gotten off a sixteen hour shift somewhere. They took a booth in the corner and ordered two coffees and two pieces of cherry pie. 

 

After the waitress left, Donna looked down at the table and he could tell she was summoning some sort of courage. He braced himself for what she was about to say. Thinking maybe this was how she was going to say goodbye to him. “Dean, can we...can we talk about what happened today?” So, she had finally gotten up the courage to ask him and he briefly wondered if she had picked a public place to bring this up to make him more comfortable or her. 

 

He shrugged, trying to make it as casual as possible. But he was sure his face was giving him away. “I had a nightmare and it just kind of stuck.” He looked out the window, noticing the dirt in the corners and he tried not to think about how long it had been since they cleaned it.

 

“What was the nightmare about?” The waitress arrived with their coffee and pie and they thanked her. He was hoping maybe that would distract her from this.

 

Dean took a sip of his coffee, letting the warmth flow through him. Donna was looking at him, giving him time, but not dropping it yet. He took a deep breath. “I...I had the Mark again.” He looked down, not wanting to see her eyes when he said it. 

 

“That must’ve been terrifying.”

 

“I haven’t had that dream in months.”

 

Donna looked down at her coffee and he could tell she was nervous about asking her next question. Like she was going to push him too far. “Do you have a lot of nightmares?”

 

He licked his lips and nodded. “Almost every night.”

 

She blinked her eyes and he saw the sorrow in them. She was trying not to cry. That realization made his heart hurt. “That’s just...I can’t imagine that.”

 

He shrugged, trying to be as nonchalant about it as possible. “I’m used to it.”

 

“No one should be used to that.”

 

“It wasn’t always like that. I used to have a lot of good dreams or at least pleasant. But I don’t know. That just kind of changed.” He put his hands in his lap and glanced around the diner. The man at the counter was finishing off his cup of coffee and a young couple had walked in. They sat in a booth a few feet away from them. They were laughing and kissing and he wanted to cry. “My life it...it’s dark, Donna.” He looked back at her and then quickly looked down at the table, his hands going to the napkin. “I shouldn’t drag you into that.” 

 

“Dean, you’re not dragging me into anything.”

 

He looked up at her. “Yeah, I am.” 

 

“Dean-”

 

He kept his eyes on her. “You are like sunshine. Like life and I...I’m poison.”

 

He couldn’t quite name the look that crossed her face, but he saw the hurt there. The fear and a little bit of pity. “How can you say that?”

 

“Because it’s true.”

 

“That’s not-” The waitress walked up, smiling until she saw their faces. 

 

“Can I get you guys anything else?”

 

Donna waved her off and it was the first time he had seen her be at all dismissive of someone. The waitress looked offended, maybe even a little hurt. But instead she just rolled her eyes and walked away. “We probably don’t want to order any refills of coffee. She might put something else in it.” He wanted to lighten the mood, but he could tell it probably wouldn’t work.

 

She leaned over the table. “You are not poison.”

 

He wanted to leave. Wanted to toss her the car keys and walk out the door. Prove to her how wrong she was. Instead he tried to change the conversation again. “Have you tried the pie yet?” He took a bite and gave a quick grin. “It’s actually pretty good.”

 

Donna stood up and he thought for a moment she was leaving. She was gonna be the one to walk out the door. The fear of that was almost suffocating. But she just walked around to his side of the booth and slid in next to him. 

 

She pushed the pie out of the way and turned his face toward her. He blinked. “You are not poison. Do you hear me?”

 

He swallowed and pursed his lips. “Do you know how many people have died because of me? Because sometimes I lose count.”

 

She gritted her teeth. “Yeah, well do you know how many people have been saved because of you? Myself included.”

 

“I’m no good, Donna. I’m not. I drive too fast. I eat like crap. I make terrible jokes. And I’m...I’m dangerous to be around.”

 

“I’m a divorced sheriff of a small town where everyone looks at me like I’m little miss innocent. I dance around my house, singing at the top of my lungs and I’m sure my neighbors hate me for it.” He would pay good money to see that just once. “I’m sometimes a little too optimistic. It can be annoying. But I have my edges and I have my bad days.”

 

“Donna-”

 

“And you know, I happen to think your jokes are pretty funny.” She gave him a quick kiss on the nose. It was so sweet. So nice. Like a break in the clouds of what was really going on.

 

She took his hand in hers and her eyes changed. The break gone and the reality back. “You are not gonna get rid of me that easy.” He tried to look down, but her eyes just followed his. She took a deep breath. “You think you’re gonna get me killed, don’t you?”

 

His mouth opened wide and he tried to make himself pull away. “I don’t want to talk about...I…” 

 

“Dean, I know it’s hard for you. I know that you’ve lost a lot of people.”

 

His pulse was starting to race and he could feel his palms getting sweaty. No. No. He couldn’t do this to her again. “Donna-” 

 

“But I’m not scared. I’m not scared of being with you.” He was trying to hear her. Trying to listen to what she was saying. But his heart felt like it was trying to escape his body and his back was so sweaty that he was sure it was drenching the seat. 

 

“The only thing I’m scared of Dean is being without you.” She was there. She wanted him and he wanted to lean into that. Wanted to embrace it, but he felt like he was going to throw-up. 

 

She tilted her head to the side and placed a hand on his face. “Dean-”

 

“I have to go.”

 

“No, you-”

 

“I’m sorry.” He gently pushed her hands away and stood on the seat, climbing over the back of the booth. 

 

“Dean-” Donna tried to reach out to him, but he ran toward the bathroom. 

 

He locked the door behind him and ran to the sink. “Just breathe.” He took a deep breath and then another. He reached a shaking hand into his pocket, pulling out the pills he had somehow had the mind to grab. One fell to the floor. “Shit.” He debated about picking it up. He suspected the room hadn’t been cleaned in at least a month. Instead he swallowed the one he had left in his hand. 

 

He leaned over the sink, staring at his own reflection. He wanted to throw-up. He looked scary. Pale and sweaty. The circles under his eyes had somehow gotten darker. Why would she ever want to be with him? She couldn't really want to be with this. 

 

There was a soft knock on the bathroom door. “Dean?” He could hear her voice was shaky. “Are you okay?”

 

He shut his eyes tightly. Trying to breath. Trying to let the pill do it’s work. “I’m fine. I’ll be right out.” He quickly splashed his face with water and took another breath. After a minute his pulse slowed slightly and he thought maybe he would be okay to leave the room. 

 

He dried his face and opened the bathroom door. Donna was standing there, her eyes filled with fear and maybe even some anger, but not at him. At something else. “Donna, I-”

 

She pulled him toward her and wrapped her arms around him. “It’s gonna be okay.” He wanted to tell her not to bother. Tell her to listen to him when he said he was poison. Tell her she shouldn’t have to take care of him. But he felt his arms wrap tightly around her as he pulled her even closer. 

 

She ran her hand down the back of his head, soothing him. “It’ll be okay.” And he let himself cry. 

 

* * *

 

It was his idea to schedule the therapy appointment. He hadn’t planned on going that week. But after his third panic attack and the constant worry in Donna’s eyes, he thought it might be a good idea. He saw her visibly relax when he mentioned it and hope returned to her eyes when he told her that Laura was able to fit him in that afternoon. Day four of Donna’s visit would be marked with a therapy session. Not at all the romantic and bed filled time he had envisioned. Just another moment of disappointment he could add to the growing list. 

 

Donna insisted on driving him to his appointment. She told him she wouldn’t come in, but she wanted him to have someone there afterwards. He wondered if she was afraid of what might come out of that office. If maybe he would get behind the wheel of Baby and drive away.  

 

He decided not to take Lola with him. He felt overwhelmingly guilty about her having to deal with his panic attacks. With his fucked up mind. She did come with them on the drive there and he could see the confusion on her face when he told her to stay. “Sorry, sweetheart. But maybe Donna will take you to get a new ball. Maybe even some cookies.” He saw Lola’s eyes light up at those words and she sat back down. 

 

Dean opened the passenger door. “It’s usually over in an hour.”

 

“I’ll be here.” She gave him a reassuring smile and he tried to return it. 

 

“Thanks.” He closed the car door and waved goodbye. He felt a little bit of his willpower crumble when he looked back to see her pulling away. He wanted to run after her. Tell her he could be okay if he could just be with her. Just smile through the pain and pretend they were back in their bubble. Maybe they could just run away like she wanted them to. 

 

He closed his eyes, took in a steadying breath and headed inside. 

 

When he got up to Laura’s office, she was waiting for him outside her office. Standing there like a parent waiting to have some big talk. It made him feel anxious and extremely vulnerable. He had to force himself not to turn and run. “Hi, Dean.”

 

“Hey.” She smiled at him and gestured toward her office. He took a seat and tried to remember that this was a safe place. This was something he was used to. 

 

“Do you want some water?”

 

“Yeah.” She handed him a large bottle. Larger than what he was used to. He wanted to ask if she bought it just for this session. He took a sip and watched as she took her usual seat, her legs crossed at the ankles and her hair tucked behind her ears. 

 

“So, do you want to tell me what’s going on?”

 

No usual check-in. No let’s review what we went over the last time I saw you. Straight to business. “I...just had a couple of bad days.”

 

“Was there something that happened?”

 

He could tell her. She already knew about them. Had been witness to a few of them. This was a safe space. He was safe here.  _ Just keep repeating it till you believe it, Dean. _ “I...I had a few panic attacks.”

 

He saw her eyebrows raise slightly. Maybe having more than one wasn’t normal. Maybe she was going to look at him differently. Think he was crazy. “When did these happen?”

 

“I had one a couple days ago and two yesterday.” Laura didn’t raise her eyebrows this time. She maintained that same caring and sympathetic look that she usually donned. 

 

“That must’ve been scary.”

 

“I guess.” 

 

“What brought on the first one?”

 

“Donna’s in town and we were supposed to go on this date. This silly romantic thing I planned. I even bought a semi-new suit.” He smiled slightly, remembering how innocent that time felt. He should’ve known it would all collapse. He frowned. “Anyway, Sam and Beth had gone out of town and there was this job that came up.”

 

“I see”

 

“Donna insisted on going, even though I didn’t want her to. And she...she got hurt.”

 

“Is she okay?”

 

“Yeah, it was just a minor little injury.” 

 

“But it scared you?”

 

He let out a shaky breath. “It terrified me.”

 

“That’s understandable. It’s hard to see anybody we care about get hurt.”

 

“Yeah, I guess.” He looked down at his hands. They were steady right now. No shaking yet. 

 

“Dean, is there something else?”

 

“It’s hard to explain.”

 

“It’s okay. Take your time.”

 

He shifted in his seat and ran a hand through his hair. “I did some fucked up things not too long ago. Things I can’t really talk about.” He took a deep breath. “And I thought I was over it or not over it just...I thought I had filed it away for now. But seeing Donna hurt, somehow it brought that back.”

 

“How did it bring it back?”

 

“I was responsible for a lot of pain. I let down a lot of people.”

 

“And you think that Donna getting hurt was your fault?”

 

“I shouldn’t have let her go. I should’ve tried harder to make her stay.”

 

“Dean, she does what you do, right?” He nodded. “So she knows the risks.”

 

“But still. She shouldn’t have to take those risks.”

 

“That’s not up to you to decide.” Laura leaned slightly forward. “I know you said you can’t talk about what you did, but have you tried forgiving yourself?”

 

“I don’t deserve forgiveness.”

 

“Yes you do.”

 

“You don’t know what I did.”

 

“But I know you.”

 

“You know parts of me.”

 

“True. But I do know your character.”

 

“You don’t understand.”

 

“I’d like to try. Can you tell me why you think seeing Donna hurt brought up this other stuff?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“Before Donna got hurt, how was the visit?”

 

“It was actually amazing. I mean Sam was great and it was like she was right where she belonged. I was happy. I was actually happy.”

 

“And Donna being hurt shattered that?”

 

“It just brought it all back. The reality of my life.” He glanced down at his arm. At his hands. At the parts of him that had caused so much harm. “And Donna...I don’t think...I can’t handle losing her.”

 

“Why do you think you’re going to lose her?”

 

“Because I’m poison.”  _ And everything poison touches dies. _

 

“Why do you think you’re poison?”

 

“I’ve lost so many people in my life and my guess is that most of them would be alive if they had never met me.”

 

“You think Donna is going to die?”

 

He shuddered and he felt the briefest fluctuation in his pulse. He didn’t want another attack. Without thinking he reached into his pocket and pulled out the pills he had taken with him. He popped one in his mouth and swallowed. “Do you need to take a break, Dean?”

 

He shook his head. “No. I’m fine. Preventive measures.” He saw the briefest look of pride cross her face and he wasn’t sure how to process that. He rubbed his hands on his jeans and took a deep breath. He felt himself steady and everything seemed okay for now. “Yeah.” Laura looked confused. “Yeah, I think Donna...I think she might...die.”

 

“Because of you?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Dean, you’re not God. You can’t make people die simply by being near them.”

 

_ Tell that to all the dead people I know _ . “I want to believe that. But I just don’t know how.”

 

“Your relationship with Donna is new. It’s bound to bring up a lot of fears. A lot of stuff you thought you had shut away. That could be clouding your judgement.” He nodded, trying to accept what she was saying. “What brought on the other attacks?”

 

“What?”

 

“You said you had more than one. What happened to bring on the other one?”

 

He crossed his arms. “I had a nightmare. One like I’ve had before where no one can see me or hear me. But this time Donna could see me. Could hear me. Even touch me. But she was...she was dying and I woke up so scared that I couldn’t remember where I was. Who I was. I just felt so alone and so afraid.”

 

“And that’s when you had another attack?”

 

He nodded and looked down at his hands. He was surprised at how steady they were. In his mind he thought they would be shaking uncontrollably. “I rushed around looking for her. Like my life depended on it.”

 

“What did she do?”

 

“She took care of me.” He still couldn’t grasp why she would do that. Why she wouldn’t just run. It would’ve been smarter for her to do that. 

 

“I’m glad she was there.”

 

“She shouldn’t have had to do that.”

 

“Dean, if it was reversed, what would you have done?”

 

“Taken care of her.” She smiled at him and nodded. “But she’s sunshine and light and I’m this big ball of pain and fucked up life.”

 

She leaned forward. “I want you to listen to me, okay. Really listen to me.” He looked up at her and instantly wanted to look away. She looked so earnest. So warm. “It’s okay to let people take care of you. You don’t have to always be the caretaker. You deserve to be cared for.”

 

He blinked and looked away, shaking his head. “I don’t want to mess her life up.”

 

“Dean, part of a relationship is give and take. It’s taking care of each other. That’s what she was doing.”

 

“She was amazing. She calmed me down and she was so...I thought for sure she would’ve run away scared or something. That she would’ve called me crazy. But she didn’t. She even drove me here.”

 

“She must really care about you.”

 

He wanted to believe that. Wanted to believe that no matter what he did or who he was she would always care about him. But she had never been around him when he was in that truly dark place. When he was completely consumed by it. Would she care about him then? “I hope so.”

 

“People don’t do what she did if they don’t.”

 

He looked up at the ceiling and shut his eyes tightly. “I love her.” It wasn’t what he meant to say. It wasn’t even something he thought would come out. And he briefly wondered if maybe he had just said it to himself, but when he opened his eyes he saw that Laura was smiling. 

 

“I know.”

 

He knitted his brow. “You do?”

 

“Like I’ve told you, Dean, love radiates off of you.” She looked a little sad. “I just wish you would give a little bit of it to yourself.”

 

“I don’t know how to.”

 

“I know. I’m hoping I can help you with that.” She smiled. “How did it feel when Donna was taking care of you?”

 

“I wanted to run. I wanted to tell her to get as far away from me as possible. But I just couldn’t.”

 

“Why do you think that is?”

 

“Because I need her.” He hated himself for that.

 

“And she needs you.”

 

“I guess.” 

 

“Have you told her that you love her?”

 

“No.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“It hasn’t really come up.”

 

“Dean, it never really comes up.”

 

“I said it to her when she was sleeping. It felt easier that way.”

 

“Safe?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“What are you afraid of?”

 

“That she doesn’t love me back. That she leaves.”

 

“Do you say I love you very often?”

 

He let out a humorless laugh. “No.”

 

“What do you think would happen if you did?”

 

“I don’t know.” He crossed his arms, feeling a little uncomfortable. “Probably nothing.”

 

“Do you think they would say it back?”

 

“Maybe. I don’t know it’s not really something that I’ve thought about.” Which was a lie. He thought about it a lot. A lot more than he would ever admit.

 

“Do people tell you that they love you?”

 

“Sometimes.”

 

“Do you believe them?”

 

“Sometimes. Sometimes I think it’s just something people say.”

 

“Dean, these dreams that you have where no one sees you, is that how you think people really feel about you?”

 

“That they can’t see me?”

 

“That you aren’t really there.”

 

“I know people see me. I just...I feel so alone sometimes. Like I’ve said before.” He licked his lips. “Can we not talk about this anymore?”

 

“Okay. For now.” She crossed her legs. “How do you feel right now?”

 

“Angry.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I’ve been coming here for like two years and I feel like I slipped back twenty feet.”

 

“That can happen.”

 

“I listened to you about letting someone in. About Donna and now...I think it was a mistake.”

 

“Being with Donna?”

 

“Yeah. Because I’m a mess and I can’t stop worrying and I feel like I’m drowning.” 

 

“Being vulnerable with someone can bring up things that you thought you had dealt with.” She considered him for a moment, maybe trying to choose what words to say. “Remember how I told you about PTSD?”

 

He felt his brain shutting her out at the mention of that word. Like some little wall was going up. “Yeah. I don’t have that.”

 

“Dean, I think you do.”

 

“No. I have those weird panic attacks and fucked up dreams.”

 

“You’ve been through a lot, more than most people.”

 

“That doesn’t mean that...I just...I don’t deserve to be...everything I’m going through I deserve. It’s punishment for trying to be happy. I don’t deserve to be happy. I’ve tried to tell you that.”

 

“That’s not true. That’s something your mind tells you.”

 

“If I told you what I did before I came here you would despise me.”

 

She shook her head. “Dean, I think you want me to despise you.”

 

He rolled his eyes. “That’s ridiculous.”

 

“I think it would be easier for you if I just kicked you out of here.”

 

“Well, it would save me some money.”

 

“And it’d be easier if Donna just pushed you away.” He shook his head and felt his chest tightening. “Because if they leave first it will prove to you how worthless you really are.”

 

He felt his breath catch. Maybe his eyes get misty. He blinked it back and clung to the anger he was feeling like a life raft “That’s bullshit. People leave me anyway. They always do. Whether I want them to or not. There’s nothing easy about it.”

 

“That’s not what I’m saying.”

 

“You said it would be easier for me.”

 

“I just meant it is easier for you to hate yourself.”

 

“That’s ridiculous.”

 

“Dean, if you don’t have that then you’ll have to allow yourself to be loved by someone. And your fear is that if you do that, they will leave you. So push them away early, right?”

 

“I...that’s not...I don’t have some weird illness.” He didn’t even know what he was saying. 

 

“PTSD is not a weird illness. It doesn’t make you-”

 

“Is the hour up yet?”

 

She let out a sigh and he heard some frustration in it. “Dean-”

 

“Because I think it should be.”

 

“Dean, I think we should talk a little bit more about this, okay.”

 

“I wasn’t even supposed to come in.”

 

“I know. I know this difficult to talk about, but I think we should try and-”

 

He stood up. “No. I’m done.”

 

She considered him for a moment, before finally relenting. He tried not to be too disappointed by that. “Okay. I can’t make you stay.” She pulled out her appointment book. “Are you still coming next week?”

 

“Yeah, sure.” He headed toward the door, pausing for a brief moment with his hand on the door. God help him, he wanted her to stop him. But of course she didn’t.

 

He opened the door. “Call if you need anything, Dean.” He shook his head and darted out the door. 

 

He checked his watch. Twenty minutes early. What the hell was he going to do? He took the elevator down to the main level and made his way to the restroom. He could hide out in there till time was up. 

 

He lasted about five minutes before he felt so awkward that he headed toward the door. He could just stand outside, somewhere far from her window. Hope that she wouldn’t come outside. He could pretend to be on a phone call or- Donna was there. She was waiting in the parking lot, leaning against her car door, petting Lola. His heart stopped. 

 

Lola looked over and saw him and she started tugging on her leash. “Hey, what’s-” Donna smiled when she saw him and she waved. “Hey.”

 

He just stared at her for a moment. She cocked her head to the side and he saw the wave of concern cover her face. She nodded and walked toward him. 

 

She stopped in front of him and Lola nudged his hand. He absently gave her a pat on the head and continued to stare at Donna. “You’re early.”

 

“I didn’t want you to have to wait.”

 

He shook his head. “Why do you care about me?”

 

She opened her mouth slightly, hurt dotting her eyes. She searched his face and let out a breath. “Because I can’t not care about you.”

 

Every instinct in him told him to doubt this. To not believe in this. To run before it fell apart. To put her in a protective bubble that he can’t break through. But looking in her eyes made all those instincts fade and against his better judgement, he pulled her into his arms and kissed her.


	12. Life is Like a Roller Coaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donna goes back to Stillwater.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is another painful chapter, but there is some light fluff sprinkled in the beginning. There is a panic attack and a lot of self-hatred in this chapter. Hope you guys can still enjoy it as much as possible. <3

Donna was leaving tomorrow afternoon. She told him that she could always call in and say there was an emergency, something she needed to stay in town for. She said she would stay for as long as he needed her to. Every inch of him wanted to say yes. Wanted to tell her that he never wanted her to go home again or, if she did, he wanted her to take him with her. But that part of him that brought on those nightmares, the part that raged against his own reflection, won out in the end. He told her was getting better and that he didn’t want her to put a strain on the rest of her force. The getting better part was only partially true or, really, no where near the truth, but he couldn’t take the sorrow and worry in her eyes anymore. He was starting to feel like the affection she gave him was slowly turning into pity and he didn’t think he could survive that. 

 

The good news was he hadn’t had any more panic attacks and he supposed that was a good enough thread to hold on to when he told her she could leave. But there was the other part, the thing that happened every time he went to sleep. That same bloody nightmare. The only thing that would change would be how badly or where Donna was hurt. He didn’t tell her about that. But he had a feeling she already knew. Waking up drenched in sweat and pulling her tightly against him probably told her all she needed to know. He didn’t want her to have to deal with that anymore. Didn’t want her to have to hold him to her chest till he was convinced that her heartbeat wasn’t just a figment of his imagination.

 

After several protests and “are you sure?”s, she relented. He hated the mixture of terror and relief he felt when he finally won out. 

 

Beth and Sam returned that night, tired and full of war stories, pizza and soda. They sat around the kitchen table listening to their tale of the demon that was collecting souls early. They both got roughed up a little bit, but in the end every hunter made it out alive. Sam asked them how their hunt had went and Cas, Donna and Dean all shared little glances, before Donna smiled and spoke. “It was pretty smooth, except for when I kind of got a concussion.” He felt her eyes dart over to him. Judging to see if he was okay. He gave her a quick grin and reassuringly squeezed her knee. She relaxed and turned her attention back to Sam. It was only then that he let his face drop slightly, the nerves returning to his veins like an ever present buzz.

 

Beth was focused on Dean and when he caught her eye, he saw concern there. He gave a quick smile and after a minute she looked back at Donna. “Are you okay?”

 

“Oh, yeah, I’m fine. Cas fixed me right up.” She grinned over at Cas who gave her a soft smile and a quick little pat on the shoulder.

 

“Good.” Beth was looking back at Dean again like she knew there was more to this story. 

 

He shifted in his seat and cleared his throat. “She’s leaving out a very significant part of the story.” Donna looked at him, concern dotting her face. Worry turning her mouth down into a frown. He grinned. “Her ex-boyfriend was there.”

 

He watched as she let out a little breath, her shoulders visibly relaxing. She grinned, the concern lifting, and playfully smacked his chest. “He wasn’t my ex-boyfriend.”

 

Beth seemed to relax a bit too. Letting go of whatever else she had seen there for the time being. “Oh, I have to hear more about this.”

 

“It was just this guy-”

 

Dean lifted a finger. “Deputy Chris Harrison.”

 

Sam grimaced. “Like the Bachelor guy?”

 

Everyone turned to look at him and Dean smirked. “You watch the Bachelor, Sammy?”

 

He cocked his eyebrow. “No, but you do.”

 

Dean rolled his eyes and tried to hide the blush that was creeping up on his cheeks. Donna was smirking at him. He muttered under his breath. “It was one time and I didn’t even remember the guy’s name.” 

 

Donna chuckled softly and gave his shoulder a little squeeze. “Anyway, he was just this nice guy I went on a couple of dates with.”

 

Dean took a sip of his coke. “And he still has it bad for her.” He saw her blush slightly and it was rather cute.

 

“Well, can you blame him?” She winked at him and it was amazing. He hadn’t felt this okay. This relaxed, in days. 

 

“Not at all.” He leaned over and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. 

 

They continued talking, laughing and he had almost forgotten how tied up in knots his body had been. 

 

Sam and Beth retired to bed shortly after they finished eating, both of them nearly asleep on their feet. Cas went to take Lola outside for a walk. 

 

Dean and Donna stood at the sink, washing the dishes. “I like Beth.”

 

“Yeah, she’s pretty awesome.”

 

Donna looked down at the dish she was absently drying. “And she’s great for Sam.” She set the dish down and played with the end of the towel. “She really makes him happy.” There was something in the way she said those words that made his chest tighten. 

 

He gently took her arm, turning her towards him. “You make me happy.”

 

She gave him a nervous smile. “Yeah, I know.” She looked down, toeing the floor with her shoe.

 

He placed a finger under her chin and lifted her head. “You do.” He kissed her nose. “What happened with me...what’s happening with me...it’s not because of you.” And that was true. 

 

“But it started because I-”

 

“Donna, I was fucked up long before you came along.” 

 

Her mouth turned down into a frown and she gave him a serious look. “Hey, you’re not fucked up.” 

 

He couldn’t help but grin slightly at her cursing, but he knew she was being serious. He knew that she wanted him to believe that so badly. He ran his thumb over her cheek and kissed her forehead. He looked into those beautiful eyes of hers and gave her the warmest smile he could manage. “I don’t want you to ever blame yourself for things that go on in here.” He pointed to his head. “Because you’re one of the only things in my life that makes me happy.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Really.” He smiled down at her and licked his lips. He gave her a quick kiss on her mouth and then smiled again. “I’m sorry that your visit here turned into some babysitting session.”

 

She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him closer. “You don’t need to apologize, Dean. I just wish that I could…” She glanced away and bit her lip. He could tell she was trying not to cry. 

 

He gently turned her back toward him. “You do make it better. Believe me, you do.” She rested her head on his chest and he stroked her back, running his hand through her hair. 

 

They pulled apart and he held on to her arms. “What do you say we get out of here for a little bit?”

 

“Now?”

 

He nodded. “We can go into town and catch a late movie. Get some licorice and popcorn, maybe make out in the back of the theater like some silly teenagers.” She chuckled. “Unless you need to rest up for your drive back.”

She shook her head. “No. I’d rather make out in the back of a theater with you.”

 

“Awesome.” He leaned down and gave her a proper kiss. 

 

* * *

 

They did go to the movies and they did sit in the back and make out like teenagers. It was nice, okay, if he was being honest, it was awesome. He had never really done that before, not even with Robin. His mind had finally stopped playing clips from his nightmares and he was able to breath and laugh and really touch Donna. Not because he needed something to ground him, but because he just needed her. 

 

They made love twice that night and neither one of them got much sleep. But that was okay, because for once his nightmare was kept at bay. He woke up just after dawn, Donna’s head on his chest, her breath ghosting over his skin. He wanted to memorize this moment. Wanted to make an imprint in his brain that would protect him from every other bloody thing his life threw at him. He closed his eyes and wished for just a lifetime of this. No more panic. No more death. No more loss. Just love. But that voice inside his brain was starting to make an appearance. Starting to come back again.

 

He made them all a huge breakfast. He looked around the table at his new family. Sam, Cas, Donna, Beth and Lola. This was home. This was what life was supposed to be. Lots of laughter, friendship, peace. Beth and Donna exchanged numbers and made plans for a girl’s night out with Jody. He watched it all with a warmth in his chest and tried not to listen to the ticking clock that was counting down till the time it would all crumble around him, like it always did. 

 

Dean and Donna took Lola on a walk about an hour before she was set to leave. That hour hovering over his soul like a sledgehammer just waiting to smash him to pieces. 

 

They were walking hand in hand, their arms pressed up against each other. “I’ll come visit you soon.”

 

“You better.” She gave him one of those warm smiles that always set his heart a flutter. 

 

He stopped walking and looked down at her. “Donna, I...I want you to know that...the bunker,  my room,” he gestured around them. “All of it. It’s yours too.”

 

Her mouth was open slightly, a look of wonder on her face. She ran a hand down his cheek. “Same goes for Stillwater.” He pulled her into a hug and tried not to let the tears fall. He had two homes. Two real homes. Maybe that could drown out that ticking inside his brain. 

 

She left an hour later. Unshed tears in her eyes and hugs exchanged with everyone. He walked her to her car, each step another second ticking on that clock in his head. They stood by her car, just looking at each other for a minute. Trying to memorize each other’s faces.

He took her face in his hands and kissed her, imprinting his mind with how her lips felt against his. How soft her skin was. The soft, contented moan she made when their lips part. 

 

When he pulled back, he rested his forehead against hers and inhaled. Taking in her scent. Her whole being. He finally pulled his head up to look her in the eyes. “Drive safe.”

 

“I will.” They stood together for another minute before Donna finally pulled away. She climbed into her car. “Hey.” He smiled at her and she returned it with all the affection in the world. “You’re beautiful, Dean Winchester. Don’t you ever forget that.” She smiled at him and pulled away. 

 

His whole body shuddered slightly as he watched her drive further away. Her words echoing in his brain like some goodbye he wasn’t ready for. And the tick, tick, ticking scratched at the back of his brain, that voice that antagonised him just dying to get out. 

 

He felt the tear slide down his cheek as he watched her disappear. 

 

* * *

 

The nightmare returned that night. He shouldn’t have been surprised. It had never really left. Like an unwanted houseguest who suddenly decides to move in, it was always there, it had just granted him a brief reprieve. A reprieve that was only setting him up to fall into a darker nightmare than the ones before. More painful. More bloody. And this time the blade had melded with his hand, joining with the Mark to make one singular powerful weapon. And Donna was always the victim.

 

He shot up in bed, drenched in sweat. Lola was lying next to him and she looked at him, fear and confusion in her eyes. He reached a hand out and tentatively pet her. “It’s okay.” But it wasn’t and she knew it. She cocked her head to the side and let out a soft whimper. It was like a bullet to the heart. He scooted closer to her and laid his hands on her head. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I’m so sorry.” She placed her head in his lap and let out a sigh. He ran his hand through her fur till he felt her finally relax. He tried to breath that relaxation in, let it seep into his pores. Finally she fell asleep, snoring softly. 

 

He reached his free hand out to the side of his bed, grabbing his phone. He wanted to call her just to hear her breathing. Just to hear two seconds of her laugh, even a yawn. His thumb hovered over her name, daring him to press send. It was three o’clock in the morning. She had gotten in after nine and she had to be at work early in the morning. No. He wasn’t going to put her through this every time he had a bad dream. He wasn’t going to drag her into his hell.  _ Too late, _ his mind whispered,  _ she’s already in it. _

 

He shook his head and tried to clear his mind, but it wasn’t working. After a few minutes he decided he needed to get up. He gently placed Lola’s head back on the bed and waited a second to make sure she was still asleep. Once he was sure, he quietly got out of bed and tiptoed out of his room. 

 

The bunker was so quiet, the only sound was his heartbeat reverberating in his ears. 

 

He poured himself a tall glass of ice cold water, leaned up against the counter and downed it in three swallows. Little bits of water dribbled out the side of his mouth. He set the glass in the sink and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. 

 

He walked through the rest of the bunker, his eyes surveying the library, the war room, all of it. He tried not to flash back to his dream, but it was hard not to when the setting was staring you in the face. 

 

He made his way back to his room, stopping briefly in front of Cas’ door. He considered knocking, seeing if maybe he wanted to watch something on Netflix. The guy didn’t really sleep, so there would be no harm in it. But he kept walking.

 

When he got back to his room, Lola was still sleeping, her snore the only peaceful thing in his mind. He watched her for a few minutes, her paws moving slightly in her dreams. He wondered if she was walking outside the bunker or running at some magical place they had yet to explore. He stopped his brain from going to a darker place. Lola shouldn’t have nightmares, but he knew she sometimes did and he didn’t want to think about those right now. He was worried that somehow just the thought of them would transfer to her. 

 

He quickly looked away and tried to find something to distract him. He didn’t even want to attempt sleep again, so he walked around his room, looking at his albums, making sure all the weapons were in place. He felt a little sticky. The sweat drying on his skin. He sniffed and grimaced. He needed to change. He opened a drawer looking for a shirt when he heard a soft clink. He reached a hand in and froze when he found it. 

 

His throat became thick and he felt his pulse start to race as he slowly pulled the tiny bottle of whiskey out. 

 

When Dean had decided to stop drinking he threw away most of the liquor in the house, but he kept this one. He told himself it was his “pull in case of emergency” bottle. You never knew when another apocalypse was going to be looming around the corner. But that was just an excuse. He couldn’t let go of the one thing that used to silence his mind. 

 

He walked over to his desk, sitting down with the bottle still in his hand. He slowly screwed off the lid and paused for a brief moment before removing it. His hand was shaking and the voice in the back of his head was telling him that it always knew he would fail. He shut his eyes and removed the lid, setting it to the side. 

 

He held the bottle up to his nose and inhaled, the woodsy smell filling up his senses. He almost thought he was going to get tipsy just from that. He moved the bottle in a slow circle, watching the brown liquid swirl around, the light from his lamp hitting it and reflecting the liquid on to his wall. If he tilted his head just right, it even looked like waves and waves weren’t so bad, right? 

 

He held the bottle up to his mouth, his lips barely touching the mouth of the bottle. He could almost taste it. He would just need to stick his tongue out to get a little hint of it. He took in a deep breath and was about to just let it flow, when he heard Lola stir. Her paws moving faster and her mouth turned up slightly, almost in a smile. 

 

He set the bottle down and jumped up. He stared at the bottle for a few minutes, wondering if he should quickly go pour it out in the sink. But he was afraid that just touching it would bring back his urge to taste it. He took his sweat soaked shirt and threw it on top of the bottle.  _ Just hide it and it can’t get you. _

 

He sat down on the edge of his bed, trying not to look over at the bottle, but every once in awhile his eyes would stray. 

 

He closed his eyes and took in five deep breaths, focusing on the rise and fall of his chest. After a minute, he opened his eyes and instead of looking at the bottle, he looked at Lola. Her paws weren’t moving now, but she still had that small smile on her face. He smiled back at her. 

 

He laid back on his pillow, making sure not to disturb Lola. He looked over to his side, staring at the pillow that Donna had occupied. He reached a hand out, running his fingers along the pillow case. If he tried really hard he could imagine it was her hair. He could even smell the comforting scent of her shampoo. 

 

Dean glanced over to his bedside table and opened the drawer. He was going to try and take something, maybe his anxiety meds would help him sleep. Maybe there was even some sleeping pills waiting in there. But when he looked inside the first thing he saw was his journal. It lay there, almost like it was calling to him. He pulled it out and slowly opened it. The letter he had written about Donna fell out onto his lap. He looked at it for a moment, trying to decide if he wanted to read it again. He hadn’t in a couple weeks. He hadn’t even really looked at it. He decided against it, and shoved it in his drawer. He pulled out the pen that was tucked inside the journal, leaned back against his pillow and turned to a blank page. 

 

_ Long time, huh? I don’t even know why I’m writing right now. Probably to avoid sleeping. Sleep is like an enemy. Some monster I’m supposed to hunt, only I don’t know how to kill it. I keep having these nightmares. Same ones I’ve had for years now, but lately they’ve change. Become darker. More violent. But I guess that’s my life. Blood, guts and pain. God, writing that makes me sick. I should be used to this. I’ve been doing this job for over thirty years now. Thirty fucking years. Jesus, I still believed in Santa Claus when I was dragged into this world. Of course that kind of went away the first Christmas after mom died and now Santa Claus just seems like some evil creature I would end up having to kill.  _

 

_ Way to start out on the dark side of things, Dean.  _

 

Dean cleared his throat and tried to make the rest of the entry lighter, but that wasn’t going to last.

 

_ Donna left today or, I guess, it was really yesterday. I’m surprised she didn’t leave earlier. Truth is I’m surprised she still wanted to kiss me when she left. I put her through so much while she was here. She had to watch me falling apart. Watch me shake and tremble under my skin. But she didn’t run. She didn’t even seem disgusted by me. She took care of me and I don’t know how to handle that. I should be taking care of her. That’s what I’m supposed to do. Take care of everything. Be the lookout. Be the sacrifice. But she doesn’t want me to do that. She’s the only thing that is keeping me afloat and now she’s gone. It would be selfish to keep her here, right? If I really don’t want her to be in my hell, why would I want her to stay? _

 

_ I should be happy that she’s gone. Happy that she is safely away from me. Away from this fucking nightmare that plagues me. That’s trying to kill me. I’m still fighting the urge to call her. To make sure that somehow that dream didn’t come true. Make sure that she is still breathing. That her heart's still beating in that melody that calms every cell in my body. But I can’t do that to her. I need to let her rest. Let her come to her senses. Let her see that she should run away from me.  _

 

_ Fuck, I hate writing that. I hate thinking that. I don’t want to lose her, but I don’t want her with me. I want to keep her safe and the safest place for her would be far away from me. Maybe I should tell her that. Maybe I should call her and tell her to leave me alone. Tell her this isn’t going to work. I could be cruel, so she would hate me. Say things that I didn’t mean so she would want to slap me. Hurt her and- _

 

_ I can’t. I can’t. Dammit, I can’t. I need her. I need her to be able to believe that this fucking life is worth something. That me being alive isn’t for nothing.  _

 

_ God, I want a drink. It’d be so easy to do right now. Maybe putting my hands on that bottle was a sign. Maybe I should just go back over and down the whole thing. Put my mouth around the lip and let the liquid pour out. Let it run down my throat. Flow through my blood. Heat up my insides. Make me forget why I should hate myself and then make me hate myself more. It would be so easy.  _

 

Dean looked up from the journal and glanced over at the bottle, his shirt still over it. He shuddered when he felt the desire for it course through him. He glanced down at Lola, her soft snores filling the room. She had never seen him drunk. Never seen him swallowing down his thoughts. 

 

_ Maybe I should throw that bottle out. Remove the temptation all together. I shouldn’t have even put it there. Just another bottle of poison nearby. More poison to fill my already poisoned blood. My heart. Jesus, why would anyone want to be near me?  _

 

_ I want to quit therapy.  _

 

He stopped writing for a moment and just read that sentence over and over again. He wasn’t sure where that came from, probably that voice in the back of his mind, but it felt true and it should scare him more than it did. 

 

_ I didn’t even know I wanted that till now. But truth is it’s probably been scratching at the back of my brain for some time now. I blame Laura for my pain. For my need to drink. For the fact that I’m so in love with Donna that I can’t do the right thing and let her go. She told me to be happy. That I deserved to be happy. But she didn’t consider what Donna deserved. I didn’t consider what Donna deserved. _

 

_ I want to quit therapy. I really do. She thinks I have some illness. Something that only real soldiers get. My disease is that I was born. My disease is that I couldn’t save them all. I couldn’t stop myself from giving in.  _

 

_ I need to start writing with a pencil, so I can erase my mistakes. I don’t even know what I’m saying. What I’m writing. I really should quit therapy. Not just want it. It’s not helping me. Is it?  _

 

He slammed the journal shut and held it to his chest for a minute. He briefly thought that he should really get a lock for it. No one else should ever read what he wrote. 

 

He put the journal back inside his drawer, right on top of the letter about Donna. 

 

It was now five in the morning. Soon the rest of the bunker would be up. Hell, Cas already was. He often wondered what Cas did while everyone else was sleeping. He knew most of the time he watched movies or silly shows on Netflix. He probably wandered the bunker. Maybe wondered how his life got to be so damn pedestrian. Dean still worried that one day there would be a note on the kitchen table or on Cas’ bed, saying he had left. That Heaven wanted him back. Fuck, he needed to get out of his head. 

 

Dean watched Lola for a few more minutes and then finally she stretched, opened her eyes and looked up at him. “Wanna get your breakfast early?” She lept up and ran to the door. 

 

He fed her and made coffee. He grabbed a couple bites of dry cereal and when she was done with her breakfast, he grabbed his shoes, her leash and they headed outside. The air was crisp and the sky was still dark, little shafts of sunlight trying to break through. He took in a deep breath and started walking. With every step he took, his pace quickened until he was basically jogging, Lola panting at his side. 

 

He kept going, faster and faster, until he was running. Running like he hadn’t ran in, well, ever really. He concentrated on the sound of his shoes as they hit the dirt. The panting of Lola by his side. The chirping of the birds in the sky. He felt his lungs fill with air, his body getting warmer with each new stride. He felt his muscles burning, his sides almost on fire, but there was something about it that felt good. Something that took him out of his thoughts for a moment. He clung to it and kept running, running and running. 

 

They ran through areas they hadn’t even walked through yet. Lola didn’t even try and stop and sniff. It was like she was as focused as he was. Like she knew how important this was.

 

He wasn’t sure how far they ran, but by the time they got back he was drenched in sweat and Lola made a beeline for her water, a contented smile on her face. He grabbed a glass of water and downed it. 

 

He tried to let the endorphins take over. Let them drown out the nightmares. Drown out his need to drown in that bottle. His need to shove Donna far, far away. His need to run till he couldn’t come back. 

 

* * *

 

Coffee had become his new favorite drug. He was trying to keep the dreams at bay, but they would inevitably come whenever he would drift off to sleep, even for just a minute. He would try running, a new hobby that had Sam perplexed, until his lungs were on fire and the pain in his shins was enough to distract him from the pain in his mind. He would take a couple of showers a day, trying to wash away the sin from his dreams. And he would try and stop himself from calling Donna. Sometimes he succeeded, but most of the time he failed. She was busy, some big rash of home invasions was going on and they were still short staffed. She tried to be present in their conversations, but he could feel that her mind was wandering. He would try and keep his tone light. He didn’t want to add to her already growing worry, but she always ended each call by asking him to remember how beautiful he was. He ached to put his arms around her. Ached to touch her, hear her laugh, smell her hair and the sweetness of her breath. But he also ached to get her away from him and each time she told him he was beautiful he felt like a fraud. 

 

He was sitting outside of Laura’s office, alone. He had once again decided not to bring Lola along. He could sense the disappointment in her, or maybe he was just reading too much into her little head tilts, but he felt like she had been put through too much lately.

 

He felt like he was somewhere between sleep and reality, his eyes kept threatening to drift shut. The dreams and his new coffee addiction had been preventing him from getting more than maybe one hour of sleep a night. That really wasn’t that odd for a hunter, but considering how restless the dreams were it made him feel like he hadn’t slept in months. On top of that, his hands had taken on a constant little shake, like some tick he couldn’t shake.

 

When Laura’s door opened Dean nearly jumped out of his seat. Probably another side effect of the constant caffeine he was consuming. He tried to cover it up and make himself appear as relaxed as possible. He failed of course.

 

He watched as Laura said goodbye to her previous patient, the sad girl with the lonely eyes. She glanced over at him and he tried to give her an encouraging smile, but by the look in her eyes he was pretty sure he had failed. He watched as she jogged from the room and he fought the urge to say he was sorry.

 

Laura ushered him into her office and he took a seat, sitting up as tall as possible, imagining a steel rod in his back. He placed his hands in between his legs, but realized how odd that looked and he quickly crossed his arms. 

 

Laura turned around from her desk and smiled at Dean. If she noticed how messed up he was, she didn’t let on. “How are you Dean?”

 

“I’m fine.” He hated how shaky his voice sounded and by the way her eyes were scanning his face, he could tell she wasn’t buying anything he was saying. 

 

“So, no more panic attacks?”

 

He blinked and tried not to be distracted by the tap, tap, tapping of his fingers on his ribs. “Nope.”

 

“And the nightmares?”

 

“Well, I’m still having those, but I’ll live.” 

 

She looked him up and down, like she was deciding which part of his broken shell she should examine first. Her eyes briefly paused on his arms and he tightened them, hoping she couldn’t see any of the shaking. She gave a nod and opened up her notebook. “Last time you were here, we were talking about the possib-”

 

“I wanna quit therapy.” It was said so quickly, without even a thought, that he wondered if he might have dreamt it. 

 

She knitted her brow and looked at him with some sort of look he couldn’t quite place, maybe confusion or disappointment. “You want to quit therapy?”

 

He cleared his throat and tried his best to keep that iron rod in place. “Y-yes.”

 

“I see.” She gave him a sad smiled, tucking a stray hair behind her ear, and leaned forward. “Can I ask why?”

 

He blinked at her and swallowed as best he could, but his throat felt like it was closing up. He finally spoke just above a whisper. “I’m just done with it.”

 

She leaned closer, cocking her head to the side. “Just done with it?”

 

“Yeah.” He could feel his heart beating a little faster and his stupid leg had started it’s own nervous, caffeine infused, shaking. He saw Laura’s eyes quickly look over at it and he quickly crossed it over his other leg. 

 

“Is this because of last week?”

 

He shifted in his seat and he just wanted to get up and leave. Tell her to forget this whole session. Forget he ever came here. He closed his eyes, took in a deep breath and everything started pouring out. “It’s a lot of things. It’s last week. It’s the fact that I’ve been coming here for almost two years and I feel like I’m falling into a black pit that I’ll never get out of.” He was breathing harder and his voice was getting louder and quicker, the words almost blending together. “It’s the fact that I can’t close my eyes without seeing Donna dead because of me. It’s because I-”

 

“Dean, slow down-”

 

“-can’t seem to figure out how to fucking stop my mind from going to those dark places I don’t want to go. It’s because I let myself love Donna and I should-”

 

“Dean, you need to breath, okay.” 

 

“-let her go. Push her far away. Why did you let me believe I could be happy? I can never be happy. I’m supposed to be the one taking care of everyone and I can’t even take care of myself anymore and-”

 

He hadn’t even noticed that Laura was standing by him until he felt her hand on his shoulder. He jumped, falling slightly backwards. He caught his hand on her desk just before he fell. She held her hand up. “I’m sorry I scared you.” His eyes were as wide as saucers and he couldn’t seem to make them blink. “You were talking so fast and your breath-” He clung to her desk like it was the only thing keeping him from completely falling apart. “Do you have any of your pills with you?” He shook his head. “Okay. I want you to just look at me. Just listen to my voice.” He tried to focus on her, but her face was a little blurry and he was worried he was going to pass out. 

  
  


She slowly reached her hand out to him. He watched the movement, wanting to shrink away, but also wanting to fall into it. She gently placed her hand on his arm and he felt his body relax just a tiny bit. “Just look at me.” He nodded and tried to make his eyes focus. “Breath in.” She lifted her hand up, trying to get his breaths to follow. They eventually did. “Breath out.” His breath followed her hand as it went down. She made him take a couple more breaths and he felt a little bit of his strength return. He slowly let go of her desk, his feet almost giving out, but then he regained his balance and he didn’t push her away when she led him back to the couch. 

 

He sat down and she sat down next to him, her hand still on his shoulder, her breath still guiding him. “Feel a little better?” He nodded, afraid his words would betray him again. “Good. I’m gonna get you some water, okay?” He nodded again and sunk back into the couch. 

 

She handed him a bottle of water and he took a drink, a little bit dribbling down his chin. He put the bottle of water down, wiped his chin and kept his face cast downward, embarrassment taking over. “Sorry.”

 

Laura had sat back down in her seat. “You don’t need to apologize.” He took another drink of water. “Do you wanna take a break? Maybe go get some fresh air?”

 

He shook his head and took another drink of water. “I’m good. I just...I’m good.” He could feel his leg shaking slightly, but his breathing was a little steady. 

 

She nodded and studied him for a minute. “How long has it been since you’ve slept.”

 

He glanced up at her. “I’ve slept every night.” She gave him a questioning look. “Okay, well, not exactly. I mean I’ve slept maybe an hour every night, but the dreams-” He shook his head and took another drink of water. 

 

“Are the dreams worse?”

 

He played with the label on the water. “Not worse, just...more, if that makes sense?” 

 

She nodded. “Is Donna still here?”

 

He let out a shuddering breath and had to bite back tears. “She left a few days ago.”

 

“Have you talked to Sam or Cas about these dreams?”

 

He shook his head quickly. “Not gonna happen.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because I don’t want them to worry that...that I’m gonna...look, can we just go back to what I said before?”

 

“You mean about quitting therapy?” He nodded. “You really want to quit therapy?”

 

_ No. It’s been painful and hard as hell, but I don’t know if I’ll survive without it.  _  “Yes. I mean what just happened to me...I don’t think that would’ve happened if I hadn’t been here.”

 

“Dean, therapy is not always easy and it can have lots of ups and downs, but-”

 

“I can’t do it anymore.”

 

“Have you told anyone else about this?”

 

“Quitting therapy?” She nodded. “No.” Truth was, he didn’t even know he was really going to do it till he said it. 

 

“Why not?”

 

“It hasn’t come up.”

 

“What do you think they’ll say when you tell them?”

 

“Um...I don’t know.” He glanced away. He tried to picture their faces and he felt sick. “Sam would probably be angry and Cas would be sad. Donna would…” He shook his head. “They were gonna kick me out before, so maybe they’d do that.”

 

“Sam and Cas?” He nodded and looked back at her.

 

“That’s why I came here in the first place.” He crossed his arms. “I guess it’s called tough love or whatever.”

 

“How did that make you feel when they did that?”

 

“I understood. I deserved it.”

 

“But how did it make you feel?”

 

He shrugged and looked down at the floor, studying a little stain on the carpet. “I really did understand. I was a mess and after the things I had done…” He looked back up, but avoided looking at Laura. “But it hurt. It made me pissed and I felt so alone.”

 

“What would you have rather they done?”

 

“You know this was a long time ago and I’m over it now.”

 

“I understand, but I’m just curious if there was something else you would’ve liked them to do.”

 

He chewed on his bottom lip. “I don’t know. Maybe just sit down and talk to me. Maybe suggest therapy, but not...not force it.”

 

“Have people done that to you before?”

 

“Forced me into therapy? No, this is my first time.”

 

“No. Have they used tough love on you before.”

 

He sighed, wanting to just change the subject back to quitting. Maybe make a graceful exit. He closed his eyes and nodded. “A couple of times.”

 

“Why do you think that is?”

 

“Because I’m a fuck up.”

 

“Dean-”

 

“I mean I’m supposed to be the one in charge. The one who has it all together. A perfect soldier.”

 

“Dean, you’re human. You’re not a robot.”

 

“I see the way they look at me when I mess up. The disappointment in their faces. The annoyance. If they’re tough with me maybe I’ll straighten up faster.” He shrugged and glanced toward the door. “But all it does is make me want to hide.”

 

“Has Donna done that to you?”

 

He whipped his head back around. “No. Not even close.” He felt his face almost smiling and he was surprised by that. “She treats me like I’m...like I’m just me. She’s soft, kind.”

 

“That must be nice to finally have that.”

 

“Sam and Cas are kind.”

 

“I’m not saying they aren’t, but it must be nice to have someone treat you the way Donna does.”

 

“Yeah, but it scares me.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I don’t want to lose it, but I don’t want her to get hurt.” He ran a hand over his face. “She thinks she doesn’t make me happy.”

 

“She told you that?”

 

“Pretty much. And it’s not true, but it’s also...I mean I haven’t had nightmares like these in awhile.”

 

“You’re in love, Dean. You’re happy with her and she makes you feel like you are worth something. I think that’s bringing these feelings up. This man you were. This man you say did these horrible things, things that you haven’t forgiven yourself for, you’re worried that he is still a part of you and if he is then he doesn’t deserve this happiness.”

 

“He is a part of me. I mean I’m not that person, but the things I did and said are still there.”

 

“I think you need to try and forgive that part of you.”

 

“I don’t deserve that.”

 

“Forgiveness is not about forgetting or saying it was okay. It’s about finding peace.”

 

“I don’t know if I can do that.”

 

“Well, I want to help you try, okay?” He felt himself nodding, even though he didn’t believe it could ever be possible. “Have you ever tried writing about it?”

 

“Not really. Sort of, but not really.”

 

“Why don’t we start there.”

 

He felt a little tremor of fear. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. It might bring it back up.”

 

“If it does, you can stop, but I think getting it out with words might help. It’s helped before, right?”

 

“Yeah, I guess.”

 

“Okay, do you think you can try that?”

 

“And I wouldn’t have to show you?”

 

“Of course not. It’s for you.”

 

He didn’t think he was ever going to be able to do that, but if he agreed to it maybe they could stop talking about it for now. “Okay. I’ll try.” She smiled and they finished out their session, the subject of quitting therapy somehow forgotten, but the urge was still there. And he figured it was probably never going to leave. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to prepare you, there will be at least a couple more painful chapters to come. But I will put some lightness in there as well. Thanks for reading! 
> 
> Also, I am participating in the Dean Winchester Big Bang, so chapters may start being delayed a bit. Probably not so much for this part, but for part six of the series. <3


	13. How to Forgive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean deals with his nightmares and the prospect of forgiveness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is a pretty long chapter. I considered breaking it up in two, but it made more sense to keep it together. I tried to write this with the feeling of being sleep deprived serving as the atmosphere. It's pretty much a giant roller coaster. Lots of self-hatred, doubt, some anxiety and talk about violence. 
> 
> <3

When he returned to the bunker Sam was sitting in the library, book in hand, Lola curled up at his feet. She perked up when she saw him and ran toward him. “Hey, sweetheart.” He scratched behind her ear and tried to give her the warmest smile he could manage. 

 

Sam looked up from his book and grinned. “Hey, how was therapy?”

 

“You know, it was therapy.” Sam studied him for a minute, looking like he wanted to push the question further. Like he wanted to call him on everything he was hiding. He would need to change the subject or get out of there, before he had a chance to do that. “Where’s Cas and Beth?”

 

“They went to some art exhibit in town.” 

 

Dean nodded. “Well, I’m gonna go grab something to eat.” He turned to head out, trying to make his escape as quick as possible.

 

“Wait, Dean-” 

 

He took in a breath and looked back at Sam, trying to look as calm and put together as he could manage. He was failing like always. “Yeah?”

 

“Are you okay?”

 

He felt tears prickling at the back of his eyes and he wanted to just break down and cry. He imagined that iron rod in his spine again and bit back any tears. “Um...I’m fine, just tired.”

 

“Are you sure? Because you seem-” Sam gestured toward him, like the hand movement could complete his sentence.

 

“I’m fine, Sammy. Just tired.”

 

Dean gave him a quick smile and turned to leave again, but Sam decided he wasn’t going to let him get away that easy. “Wait…”

 

He chuckled, no humor behind it, and shook his head. “Sammy, I’m really hungry and I just wanna go lie down.”

 

“I know, I’m sorry. I just...I just want to apologize.”

 

That wasn’t what he was expecting and he was now a little confused, wondering if he’d missed a step somewhere. “Why?”

 

“I was wrong before.” Dean furrowed his brow. “I mean about Donna.” He smiled at Dean. “I think she’s great for you.”

 

Of course this would happen when he was trying to decide if there was an easy way to push everything and everyone away and just lock himself up until his dreams subsided. God, his mind was weird today. Weird always. It was like he was swimming in some ocean, the tide carrying him further away from something. Maybe himself. But he wasn’t even sure that-”Dean?” He nearly jumped when he saw Sam standing just a few inches away from him, a look of concern on his face. 

 

He instinctively took a couple steps back and tried to remember what the hell was going on. “Where’d you go, man?”

 

“Um...nowhere.” He shook his head. What were they talking about? Something about Donna or was it Beth or..”Sorry, what?”

 

Sam cocked his head to the side and looked Dean over, studying him like he could find some cut or scrape that could explain what was going on. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

 

He felt his whole body start to shake and the iron rod just slip away. He knew it wouldn’t be believable, but he had to try one last time. “Yeah, I’m fine. I just-”

 

Sam looked down at him. “Dude, you’re shaking.”

 

He pulled his hands away and tucked them into his armpits. “Too much coffee.”

 

“Dean-”

 

“What were you saying before?”

 

“We can talk about-”

 

“Sammy, please.” He didn’t mean to sound like he was begging, but he actually was.

 

Pity crossed Sam’s face and he had to fight the urge to run away from him. “Yeah, okay, fine. I was just...I was just saying how I was wrong before. About Donna.”

 

“Oh.” That’s right. That’s what had happened.

 

“Yeah, I think she’s great for you.”

 

“You do?”

 

“Yeah. I mean your face lights up when she’s around and it’s like this weight is kind of lifted.” He swallowed and considered Dean for a moment. “Maybe you should go see her.”

 

“She’s busy with a case. A sheriff thing.”

 

“Oh, well maybe when she’s done.”

 

He nodded and looked off into the distance. He wanted to be with her. Wanted to wrap his arms around her and forget all about this. Forget all about the wave of shit that was trying to drown him. “She’s kind of like my sunshine.” He wasn’t sure if he’d said it aloud, but he chuckled softly. “How cheesy is that?”

 

“It’s sweet.” So he did say it out loud. Dean rolled his eyes, trying for levity. “Hey, it is.” 

 

“Yeah, okay. Well, thanks.”

 

“Seriously, if you wanna duck out of here and sneak up to Stillwater when she’s done, you should. We can handle things here.”

 

“Maybe I’ll do that.” He gestured over his shoulder. “Now, if you don’t mind I think I’m gonna make myself a huge sandwich and watch a movie.”

 

Sam shook his head. “Yeah, yeah of course.” Dean could tell he wanted to talk to him more. Dig deeper and find out what was really going on with him. But he just smiled and returned to his book. 

 

Dean made his way to the kitchen, Lola in tow. He stood in the center of the room looking around. He was very hungry, yet he wasn’t. It was a weird in between feeling that had his stomach tied in knots. He was going to just turn around and head to his room, but he was worried that Sam might come and check and then really push him when he saw no food. 

 

After staring at the contents of the fridge for about five minutes, Dean decided to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a side of potato chips. He looked at the finished product on his plate and shrugged. He guessed he could force some of it down his throat.

 

By the time he got back to his room, the exhaustion he had been feeling and the confusion, overtook him. He dropped the sandwich on his desk and stumbled over to the bed. The last wave of whatever had taken over his brain collapsed on top of him and he fell onto the bed. 

 

He tried to move, tried to pull himself onto his back, but he couldn’t even manage that. The water was on top of him and holding him down with all the fear of his nightmares. All the cold sweats that woke him up. The dread that he would look down and see The Mark reappear on his arm.

 

He felt like his veins were filling up with something akin to led. His whole body wanting to succumb to sleep, to sorrow, to every fear he was having. 

 

Lola jumped up on the bed and laid down next to him. She gently placed her head by his face, maybe trying to remind him that he was still alive. That he was still in this world. He somehow managed to reach one hand out to her and place it on top of her head. She gave him a tiny kiss and it happened. Whatever else was left in him that was yet to break, broke. Nothing could stop the flood of emotions that overtook him. His body started shaking with the sobs and he knew he was probably crying loudly, but he couldn’t have stopped it if he wanted to. 

 

The bed beneath him became wet with tears and his face felt hot. His sobs continued and Lola just stayed by his side the whole time, a port in the storm. 

 

He continued crying till he felt his body dry up. Till he felt like there was nothing left. And the exhaustion became heavier and heavier and it wrapped itself around him like a wool blanket, beckoning him to succumb. He wanted to fight it with everything he had, but he just couldn’t. And despite the little voice in his head that was protesting, that was trying to remind his mind of the nightmares they wanted to avoid, he felt his eyes closing. Before he even knew it, he had fallen asleep. 

 

* * *

 

He woke up eight hours later. Eight. Whole. Hours. He couldn’t quite remember what he had dreamt about, but he couldn’t remember the Mark being a part of it and the shock of that was too much for him to wrap his mind around. He should be grateful. Happy for the reprieve, but that little voice in the back of his head was telling him that it was only temporary. 

 

His body no longer felt like it was filled with led and he let out a yawn as he slowly started to open his eyes. They were sore from crying and it took him a few minutes to focus. 

 

He had somehow managed to roll over on his side and he was a little bit further up on the bed. He glanced around and noticed that Lola was no longer in the bed. He pushed himself up a little and glanced around the room, hoping he would see her on the floor. She was not there and his door was cracked open. He felt that familiar panic bubble up and he tried to calm it. Tried to tell himself that she probably just...just opened the door? She couldn’t do that, right? 

 

He stood up and felt his legs wobble. Guess he wasn’t completely awake yet. Just that in between. What was he doing? Lola. Lola was gone and the door was open.  _ Focus. _ Then when he did the confusion and fear sent adrenaline racing through his veins and his legs steadied and he quickly walked down the hall. 

 

It was quiet in the bunker, Sam’s door was closed and he placed his ear to it, trying to see if he could hear Lola. He was about to knock, but something kept him from doing that. 

 

Dean walked further down the hallway till he reached Cas’ room. His door was slightly ajar and Dean heard the soft sounds of some show and Cas talking to someone. He peaked in and saw Lola on Cas’ bed. He grinned and felt some relief flood in.

 

He lightly tapped on the door and Cas looked up at him, smiling. “Come in, Dean.”

 

He smiled and stepped inside. Lola wagged her tail when she saw him, but didn’t jump off, content to lie next to Cas. “Stealing my dog, Cas?”

 

Cas looked a little ashamed. “I’m sorry, Dean. I-”

 

He held up his hand. “I was kidding. It’s fine.” He walked further into the room and stood near the tiny desk in the corner. “What are you guys watching?”

 

“This documentary called The Champions. It’s all about the dogs rescued from Michael Vick’s dog fighting operation.”

 

Dean’s eyes widened. “Do you really think it’s a good idea for her to watch that?” He took a couple of steps toward the bed, prepared to hurry Lola away. 

 

“Dean, it’s okay. It’s about recovery and healing.” He placed his hands over Lola’s ears and leaned over. “Plus, I made sure to cover her eyes and ears during the bad parts.”

 

He let out a little chuckle. “Thanks, Cas.” 

 

Cas set his laptop to the side and got this serious look on his face. Dean dreaded whatever was about to come. “I...I heard you crying.” Dean swallowed and instinctively took a step back. “And I went to check on you and you didn’t answer when I called, so…” He looked down and Dean realized he was embarrassed. “I opened your door because, I was worried.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“You were sound asleep by then and I knew you hadn’t been getting much sleep.”  _ How did he know that? _ “So, I took Lola so you could keep sleeping.” It was like a confession he was making and he seemed to be worried about Dean’s reaction. “Sorry, about-”

 

“Thanks, Cas.” 

 

“You’re not mad that I...that I invaded your privacy.”

 

“You were worried. I understand.” And he did. And he was so grateful that it almost brought on more tears.

 

Cas looked at Dean for a minute and he saw that he was noticing how red his eyes were. He quickly looked away, rubbing the back of his neck. “So, have I missed much of this documentary or could I maybe join you guys?”

 

Cas smiled and nodded his head. “Of course, Dean.”

 

Dean grabbed the chair by the desk and pulled it up next to the bed. Cas offered to start the film over again, making sure to cover Lola’s eyes and ears during the bad parts. Dean chuckled again and felt relaxation take over as the film started. It may have even made him shed a couple tears he didn’t even think he still had, but Cas was right. It was hopeful. And tt was a nice respite from the demons inside his mind. 

 

* * *

 

He was back on coffee two days later. The respite he was granted was taken away from him one night later when the nightmare returned. It may not have been as strong as the past ones, but the blood and death was still there and Donna was still the victim. So he returned to downing coffee like it was air and trying to mask his shaking hands. 

 

He desperately needed a distraction, but it was hard to find anything that would work. The usual go-to would be a case, or ten, but there were none on the horizon. He searched every paper, every website, even called some other hunters he knew, but there was nothing. He was shocked by how frustrated that made him. Lately hunting had become something he was dreading, but now it was competing with coffee for what he needed to survive. 

 

He briefly toyed with the idea of leaving and going to Stillwater to visit Donna. It would be a good distraction. He could lose himself in her warm home, her laugh, the smell of her. Maybe his nightmares wouldn’t exist there. But then he would look at his shaking hands, washed another sweat soaked shirt, and remembered that he was trying to give her a break from him. That he needed to give her a break. Plus, she was busy enough with that rash of burglaries. He had only spoken to her once. The rest of the time there were just broken little texts. He tried to remember that this was a good thing. But the truth was he missed her something terrible and that pain was almost worse than the nightmares. 

 

There was one thing he knew he could do to try and distract himself, but he dreaded that idea. Writing about the Mark was something that he feared might be his real undoing, no matter what Laura said. Besides, he was going to quit therapy soon, no matter how hard she might try to distract him the next time he saw her. He hadn’t told anyone else that he was thinking of quitting. He was still terrified of their reaction. Terrified that he would lose everything if he told them. 

 

He was sitting in the library, working on his second pot of coffee, when Sam walked in. He paused, looking at the carafe of coffee sitting on the table and glanced back at Dean. “Another pot?”

 

Dean blinked. “What can I say, I like the new kind we got.”

 

He smirked. “Folgers?”

 

“It’s Black Silk or some shit like that.”

 

Sam shook his head and took a seat across from Dean. He motioned toward his open laptop. “Any cases?”

 

Dean let out a sigh. “Nope. All’s quiet on the supernatural front.” He finished off his cup and filled it, his hands shaking a little bit and some of the coffee spilled out on the table. He quickly went to wipe it away, but it was too late, Sam had already seen.

 

“Maybe you need to cut back on the caffeine.”

 

“I’m fine, Sam.”

 

Sam studied him for a minute. “When was the last time you slept?”

 

“Last night.”

 

“For how long?”

 

“What are you my mother?”

 

“Dean.”

 

He set his coffee cup down. “Fine. I slept for like thirty minutes.” Sam’s jaw opened slightly. “What’s the big deal?”

 

“Dean, do you remember when I wasn’t sleeping?”

 

“That’s different. Lucifer was there.”

 

“Yeah, in my imagination.”

 

“Still different.”

 

Sam reached out, and before Dean could protest, he grabbed the carafe of coffee and his cup. “Hey!”

 

“Nope. No more of this.” Sam marched off toward the kitchen, Dean following quickly behind. 

 

When they reached the kitchen, Sam made a beeline for the sink and tossed the coffee down the drain. “Dammit, Sam!” Dean reached around him, trying to grab his coffee cup from him. It slipped from his grasp, falling to the floor and shattering into a million pieces. “God dammit! That was my fucking favorite cup!” The urge to cry was so overwhelming that he thought he might pass out.

 

“Your favorite cup?” Dean bent down to pick up the broken pieces, trying to keep the tears at bay. “Dean it looks like every other white cup we-”

 

“No, it doesn’t or didn’t. It had this one little crack on the edge.”

 

“What are you talking about?” Sam was trying to pull him up to his feet, but Dean was too busy picking up all the pieces.

 

“It’s okay. Maybe I can glue it all back together.” He stood up and set the pieces out on the coffee table and started studying them like a jigsaw puzzle. 

 

Sam stared at him like he was watching a crazy person and he supposed he was. “Dean, you need to get some sleep.”

 

“I slept for eight hours the other day. I’m good.” He started arranging the pieces, testing out which ones would go where. 

 

“And before that eight hours.”

 

“Sam, we’re hunters, we don’t get sleep.”

 

“Dean-” He placed a hand on his shoulder and Dean jumped away, clutching a piece of broken glass in hands. Sam held his hands up, trying to calm him. “I’m sorry. Why don’t you give me the broken glass and-”

 

He shook his head. “I have to put the cup back together.”

 

“Dean, we have other cups.”

 

“But I want that one! I  _ need _ that one!” He knew somewhere inside of himself that what he was saying was ridiculous. The cup was not important, but he couldn’t wrap the rationale part of his brain around the sleep-deprived part.

 

“Okay.” Sam held his hands up. “Okay. You need that cup.” Sam sat down at the table and looked at the broken pieces. “Then I’ll help you put it back together.”

 

Dean watched him for a moment as he started to arrange the broken glass. He relaxed his shoulders a little and sat back down at the table. He looked at the piece of glass in his hand. It looked like it belonged to the handle and he decided to find the other pieces. “I can’t sleep.”

 

Sam kept arranging the pieces, but he could feel his eyes glancing over at him. “Like insomnia?”

 

“No. I mean I don’t want to sleep.” Dean placed three pieces together that made the handle. He didn’t know what to do. What was it that you used to put something back together? His mind couldn’t remember the word. 

 

Sam stared at him, no longer touching the broken pieces. “Why don’t you want to sleep?”

 

“We need something to hold these pieces together. I can’t remember what it’s called. I-” He felt frustration building inside him and that damn urge to cry just scratching away.

 

“Glue.”

 

The relief of hearing the word was almost too much. “Yeah, that’s what I need.” He started to stand up, but was worried about letting the pieces fall down. He froze, part way between standing and sitting. 

 

Sam looked scared, but when he spoke he was calm. “Just sit down and I’ll go get the glue.”

 

“Okay.” He sat back down, his hands still holding the handle together. 

 

Sam returned a couple minutes later, glue in hand, and sat next to him. He was about to hand Dean the glue, but he thought better of it. “Why don’t you hold a piece and I’ll put the glue on and then you can hold the pieces together till the glue dries?”

 

“Yeah, that’s a good idea.” He watched as Sam placed a little bit of glue on one piece of the handle and Dean took the other piece and pushed it in place. He held it as still as possible. 

 

“So, why don’t you want to sleep?”

 

Dean focused on the broken handle, on the pieces that were drying in his hand. “I’ve...I’ve been having nightmares.”

 

Sam was busy placing a few pieces that looked like they might be the bottom of the cup together in a little pile. “What kind of nightmares?”

 

“How long does it take for glue to dry?”

 

“I would hold it in place for another minute or two maybe.” Dean nodded. “So, what kind of nightmares?”

 

He swallowed and realized he wasn’t getting out of this. He would have to tell Sam and face what ever consequences that might bring. “They’re about the Mark.”

 

He saw Sam’s face fall briefly, but somehow he managed to pull it back up into a concerned, but soft look. “You mean about when you had the Mark before?”

 

Dean studied the pieces of the handle he had glued together, trying to see if it was time to let them go. “No. I have the Mark again in the dream”

 

“Oh.” He could hear the worry there. The dread behind that one syllable. “What else...what else is in the dream?”

 

“I...I...end up killing Donna.” He looked away quickly and felt the bile building up in his stomach. 

 

“Man, Dean, that’s-”

 

“I think this piece is dry.” He let it go slowly and was surprised that it actually stuck together. He held up the last piece of the handle. “Can you put some glue on this one?”

 

Sam was just staring at him, his eyes were a little misty and Dean really hoped he wouldn’t cry. “Sam? Glue.” He shook his head and placed a drop of glue on the piece that Dean was holding. Dean pushed it into the bottom of the other pieces and held it. 

 

“Does Donna know?”

 

“She knows I dreamt about the Mark, but no. Not the rest.” He chanced a glance at Sam and saw the fear in his eyes. God, why did he have to open his mouth? “I don’t have the Mark, Sam. It can’t come back.” He wished he could be as convinced of that as he wanted Sam to be.

 

“I know.” He turned in his chair, leaving the rest of the cup sitting on the table. “Have you told Laura?”

 

“Dude, I can’t tell her about-”

 

“No, I mean just about the nightmares.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“What did she say?”

 

“She said that I should write about it.”

 

“Write about it?”

 

“Yeah, about that time, about who I was.” He scoffed. “She wants me to forgive myself.”

 

“Huh.”

 

“Ridiculous, right?”

 

“No.” He looked at Sam and was shocked that he didn’t see the fear there. “It makes sense.”

 

“How does it make sense? I was horrible and I did unforgivable things.”

 

“Dean, you weren’t you.”

 

“Sam, you can say that till you’re blue in the face, but we both know that I was still in there somewhere.”

 

“I know, but not the real you.”

 

“Sam-”

 

Sam leaned forward a bit. “Dean, when did the dreams start?”

 

“Sam, I have a shrink for this.”

 

“Come on, just tell me.”

 

He sighed. “Fine, right after Donna got hurt.”

 

“That’s what I thought.”

 

Dean looked at the handle and gently placed it down. “Okay, well if you’re not gonna help me piece together the rest of the pieces, then-”

 

“Donna is the first person that you’ve let into your life in years.”

 

“That’s not true.”

 

“It is true. And you’re scared.”

 

“Sam, people near me don’t….they don’t always...you know what I just want to put this damn cup together!” He picked up some pieces of the bottom and tried to figure out which piece went where. “Can you please just help me with that?”

 

Sam placed a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “Dean, you’re not gonna kill Donna.”

 

He blinked, his hand still resting on the piece of the cup. “You don’t know that.”

 

“I do.”

 

“Yeah, well, people always die around us. So, if I don’t do it then-”

 

“Dean it’s not your fault.”

 

“Oh please, Sam. Some of it is and you know it.”

 

“Just look at me for a second, please.” Dean rolled his eyes, but he lifted his head up and looked at Sam. “You are not responsible for everyone and everything that happens.”

 

He stared at Sam for a moment. His eyes looked so warm. So caring. There was none of the fear he dreaded he would see. None of the judgment. He let out a breath and looked down at the table. “I love her, Sam.” 

 

“I know.” God, how did everyone already know this? Sam smiled at him. “You deserve to have her in your life.”

 

“But if she-”

 

“Dean, we’ve lived our whole lives afraid of those what-ifs. Maybe we should stop doing that.”

 

He looked down at the broken pieces in his hand. “God, what am I doing?” He laughed and Sam chuckled. He let go of the pieces of cup.

 

“I think you need to listen to Laura. You need to let that part of you be forgiven, so you can finally rest.”

 

“You really think if I do that the nightmares will stop?”

 

“I don’t really know. But it’s worth a shot.” He stood up and started gathering pieces of the cup. “And no more mainlining coffee, okay?”

 

“Yeah, okay. I’ll try.” Maybe Sam was right. Maybe it would be worth a shot. Or maybe his world was going to crumble down all around him and this was just the preamble. 

 

He watched as the pieces of broken glass fell into the trash.

 

* * *

 

Yes, he had the nightmare again that night. Yes, he woke up in a cold sweat and didn’t go back to sleep. Yes, he got less than an hour of sleep again and none of it was restful. But he did cut back on the coffee that day. Eight cups. Hey, it was a lot better than the near sixteen he had had the day before. 

 

He hadn’t written yet. He’d pulled out his journal, even clicked his pen open, but he couldn’t do it. He was still convinced that somehow it would make his dreams worse. 

 

He was still planning on quitting therapy. He had convinced himself that if he couldn’t write about the Mark, he could quit therapy and that would somehow help. The logic wasn’t sound on that, but in his muddled mind it all made sense. 

 

Dean was sitting in Laura’s office, that steel rod metaphorically placed and his mind set on this being his last session. He could do this. He had to do this. 

 

Laura was sitting across from him, a little smile on her face, blissfully unaware that he planned on quitting today. She opened up that silly notebook and he wondered what she would do with it when he was done. “How are you, Dean?”

 

“Fine.”

 

“Are you still having nightmares?”

 

No point in lying. He’d be through with this place soon enough. “Yeah. I did have one night where they were missing, but pretty much every other night.”

 

She gave him this sad look that made him avert his eyes. “You must be exhausted.”

 

“I got eight hours one night, so I’m good.”

 

“And the other nights?”

 

“One hour maybe.” Okay, it was time to get on with his main reason for being here. He shifted in his seat and cleared his throat. “So, I still want to quit therapy.” He was going for confident, but his voice sounded strained.

 

He knew she noticed and he saw a brief look of determination cross her eyes. It’s okay, he could stand his ground. “I see. And you think that’s the best course of action?”

 

Well, didn’t that sound clinical. “Everything comes to an end, right?”

 

“Yes, but sometimes-”

 

He shook his head. “Nope, you can’t change my mind on this.” At least that time it sounded stronger.

 

“Okay. I get that.” She crossed her legs and set her notebook down on her desk. “But I want you to know that I think it’s too soon, Dean.”

 

“I’ve been coming here for two years.”

 

“I know.”

 

“Isn’t that long enough?”

 

“It depends.”

 

“On what? How fucked up the person is?”

 

“No. Every person is different and some people benefit greatly from long term therapy.”

 

“And what’s long term?” Nope. Stay strong. Don’t let cracks show. 

 

“It depends, but sometimes it can be on and off for the majority of their lives.”

 

His eyes went wide and his jaw dropped. “And you think I’m one of those people?”

 

“Not necessarily and those people don’t necessarily go all the time. Just a little-”

 

He held his hand up to stop her. He wasn’t going to let himself give in. “Well, that won’t be me. Two years is enough.”

 

She considered him for a moment, probably trying to find out how to really crack him. Get his muddled brain to make a lifetime commitment to sitting on her ratty old couch. After a moment, she nodded and grabbed the notebook again. “Okay. Well, when a patient decides to quit therapy we map out a plan.”

 

“A plan?”

 

“Yes. We need to decide how many more sessions and-”

 

“I thought this would be my last session.”

 

“Dean, deciding to quit therapy is a big step, especially for someone who-”

 

“Is so fukced up.” He looked down, feeling some shame welling up inside. “Yeah, we already established that.”

 

“You’ve gone through a lot since you came here. That’s all I’m saying.”

 

He looked back up. “So, how many more sessions are we talking about?”

 

“I would recommend ten.”

 

His eyes grew wide. “Ten!?” He shook his head and crossed his arms. “No way.”

 

“I know it seems like a lot, but-”

 

“Is this just your way of trying to get me to not quit?”

 

“No.” And he couldn’t help but feel a little pang of hurt at that. “I just think we need to do this slowly.”

 

“And with your other patients, about how long did they take?”

 

“It varies with each one.”

 

He shrugged. “Just give me a ballpark.”

 

“Dean, I can’t discuss my other patients with you.”

 

“I’m not asking you to discuss them with me.” He sat forward a little bit. “I’m just asking if ten is a pretty average number.”

 

She glanced down and he actually saw a little flicker of guilt cross her face, but she was pretty good at masking it. “No. Normally it’s about half that.”

 

“Okay, then I want to do half that.”

 

“Dean, I really don’t-”

 

He sat back and glared. “Five more sessions. I think that’s a lot, really, seeing as how I wanted today to be my last session.” He cocked his eyebrow. “I think I’m being generous.”

 

She shook her head and chuckled softly. “Fine. Five sessions.” He gave her a triumphant smile, although a part of him still wasn’t sold on this. 

 

She held up a finger. “Five sessions after this one.”

 

He wanted to protest. Wanted to argue that that was not what he was agreeing to, but instead he held out his hand. “Five more sessions.”

 

She regarded his hand for moment like she wasn’t sure she should agree to this yet, but finally gave in and shook it. 

 

She made a note in her notebook. “Okay, so now we can map out a plan of what you’d like to discuss or work on before you leave.”

 

He didn’t think that far ahead. “I don’t know.” He licked his lips and glanced around the room. “You’re the expert, what do you think I should discuss?”

 

“It’s your therapy.” He was about to say something, but she nodded. “But, if you want my opinion, I think we need to work on you forgiving yourself, like we discussed last time. And-” He could sense her hesitancy with this one and he felt his stomach start to do flip-flops. The forgiveness part was like throwing an anvil at him, he couldn’t imagine what could be worse than that. “I think we need to discuss your father.” Well, there it was.

 

He could deflect this. “We’ve already discussed my dad.”

 

“I think you need to forgive him too.”

 

“There’s nothing to forgive. He did the best he could.”

 

“Do you realize that your posture tightens a bit whenever you mention him?”

 

He rolled his shoulders, trying to loosen whatever tension she saw there. He rubbed the back of his neck. “I don’t...My dad raised us by himself.”

 

“I would argue that he had help.”

 

“Who?” He knew the answer, but he just didn’t want to admit it.

 

“Dean, you know I’m talking about you. You helped raise Sam and even yourself.”

 

“Why do you always go back to this?”

 

“Because it shaped who you are.”

 

“And that’s a bad thing?”

 

“No. Not really, but there’s a lot there that you haven’t dealt with. I just think it-”

 

“Okay, fine. We can talk about my dad.” He felt the frustration growing. Dammit, maybe he should tell her this was it, no matter what she said he was done today.

 

“You asked me what I thought you should work on.”

 

“Yeah, well, be careful what you wish for I guess.” 

 

She made a quick note in her notebook and then looked back at him. “We will also set up a safety plan.”

 

“Safety plan?”

 

“Yeah, in case something happens after therapy.”

 

He blinked a couple of times and then scoffed. “You mean in case I want to kill myself or something.”

 

If she was shocked by what he said, she didn’t let on. “Exactly.”

 

“Fine.”

 

“We’ll start working on that in the last two sessions.”

 

“Whatever.” He sighed. “Who knew quitting therapy could be so complicated.”

 

She continued on. “And I need to know if you want to have a last session with Sam.”

 

Well, that would mean he would have to tell Sam about him quitting. Of course he would have to tell him eventually anyway, but he was secretly hoping he could keep it a secret for a little while longer. God, how fucked up was that? He tugged on a loose string on his shirt. “Um...no. I don’t want to do that.”

 

He waited for her to argue with him about that. Waited for her to say it was important that he wrap things up with Sam, even though he could really never do that. “Okay. I will make a note of that.” Just like that. 

 

“I haven’t told them yet.”

 

“Do you want to talk about that?”

 

“No. I just thought you should know.”

 

She cocked her head to the side, considering him for a second. “Okay. Well, if you want to discuss it or come up with a plan for doing that, just let me know.” He nodded. “So, if it is okay with you, I think we should continue to work on you forgiving yourself first so you can get some sleep.”

 

“Yeah, okay.” He was resigned to this plan now. Might as well get on with it.

 

“Have you tried writing?”

 

“No. But I did tell Sam about the nightmares.”

 

“That’s good.”She gave him that look she would give him when she was proud of him. It always filled him with this warmth. The same warmth he would get when his mom would make him pie or a sandwich. He quickly shook his head, no he can’t think of her as his mom. “How did he respond?”

 

“He was actually better about it than I expected. He asked if I told you about it.” She nodded. “He thinks I should do the forgiving and writing thing as well.”

 

“What’s holding you back?”

 

“That part of me was so dark. Just beyond dark and I...I’m worried it will make me...I don’t want to be that person again.”

 

“I understand. Dean, I’m not going to tell you that it will go smoothly or that there is no risk to it.” She gave him a small smile. “But I do think it could help. You have to do something or it will continue to eat away at you.”

 

“I know. Somewhere inside of me I do.”

 

“Have you talked to Donna about this?”

 

“She knows about my nightmares, sort of.”

 

“Have you told her about trying to write about it?”

 

“No. I’m trying to give her a break.”

 

“A break?”

 

“Yeah, a break from me.”

 

“Why do you think she needs a break?”

 

“Because I hear it in her voice and read it in her texts.” He worried his bottom lip. “She sounds...sad or worried all the time and on top of that she’s working on this big job thing and I don’t want to add to it.”

 

“Dean, are you trying to avoid her?”

 

“No and yes. I miss her like crazy. I have to stop myself from driving up to see her about ten times a day. I feel like a love sick teenager half the time. But then I have the nightmare or think about it and I realize it’s a good thing she’s not here.”

 

“Do you think she misses you like you miss her?”

 

He frowned. “No.”

 

“Why do you say that?”

 

“Because of how she sounds on the phone and because...why would she?”

 

“Because she cares about you and she’s probably worried about you. But Dean, that’s okay.”

 

“Maybe.”

 

“I’m gonna give you some homework.” He glared at her and she actually chuckled a little bit. “I want you to start writing about how you felt before, when you were in that dark place.” 

 

“I thought you already gave me that assignment.”

 

“Well, now it’s homework.”

 

“And if I don’t do it?”

 

“Well, I can’t force you to do it. But if you do do it, if you write even just a little bit, well, then we’ll make your last session a freebie. Meaning we don’t have to discuss anything difficult or anything that pushes you. We can even hold it somewhere else.” He was trying to decide if this really was something that would make it worth it and then she sweetened the pot a little bit. “And I’ll buy you a pie.”

 

His eyes widened a bit and he couldn’t help but feel a little smile tug at the corners of his mouth. “Seriously?”

 

“Yep. Any pie you want.”

 

He didn’t know if that was a normal thing therapists would do, but he decided he would go with it. “Okay. I think I can do that.” Then it hit him. “But does that mean I have to show you what I wrote?”

 

“Nope. Only you will know if you did.”

 

She was trusting him and he couldn’t help but feel a sliver of happiness at that. “Okay. Deal.”

 

“Deal.” She smiled and made a note in her notebook. Well, if all else failed, at least he would be getting some pie out of the deal. 

 

* * *

 

He was laying in bed with his journal open on his lap, Lola curled up next to him snoring softly. He had been staring at the open journal for nearly an hour now. No words were coming to him and he was convinced that maybe there was some part of him trying to save him from writing this. 

 

He picked up his phone and clicked on the screen. He wanted to call Donna. Find some sort of distraction in her voice, her words, but he also didn’t want to. They hadn’t spoken all day, not even a text. It was the first day since they had gotten together that they hadn’t communicated. He should keep it that way. Maybe she was finally waking up to the fact that being with him was harmful to her health. 

 

He tossed the phone aside and went back to staring at the blank pages. If he squinted his eyes the lines would merge together, making just one big line. He tried that several times, tried rearranging the lines with his eyes.

 

Then he decided to start doodling. He started drawing little stars, pictures of frogs that Lola and he would pass on their walks. They weren’t that bad and he started to wonder if he could just count doodling as writing about it. 

 

He continued doodling, filling in the borders of the page with various sketches. Then his mind betrayed him, as his hands started drawing the Mark. 

 

When he realized what he had done, he pulled his hand away quickly, like the drawing might infect him. He closed the journal and leaned back, taking in a couple of quick breaths, reminding himself that it was just a drawing. That drawings couldn’t hurt him. He laughed. In his line of work there probably some evil drawing monster that would sketch your worst nightmares. He supposed that’s kind of what happened at that Plucky Pennywhistle’s place.

 

He shook his head, counted to ten and opened the journal. The Mark was the first thing that caught his eye, like it was taunting him. Daring him to stare just a little bit longer. He decided to stare it down, willing it to make a move, daring it to test him. 

 

After a few minutes of staring, he withdrew his pen and scratched out the mark. He scratched it so hard that it tore a hole in the paper. He shuddered a little and turned the page. No doodles. No drawings daring him to fall over to the darkside. Just another blank canvas. 

 

_ Just think of the pie, _ he told himself. Repeated it like a mantra. He held the pen over the paper and finally allowed himself to make contact with the page. 

 

_ Fuck. I don’t know what I’m supposed to write here. How am I supposed to even begin the process of forgiving myself for all the sins I committed. Some when my eyes were black as coal and others when I was still in there somewhere. I haven’t even told Sammy about everything I did. Some of it I’ve been able to bury deep down inside, but I feel it clawing it’s way out, especially now. Especially with all these dreams I’ve had. It’s like God has decided that it is time I pay the price for what I’ve done.  _

 

_ I try to remind myself that I have saved people since then. Saved many. I try to look down at my arm and truly see that the Mark is no longer there. That it’s no longer searing my flesh, burning into me and mingling with my blood. And sometimes I’m successful, but other times I swear I can see it. Just a little shadow of what had been there. Just a little teasing. And it’s in those times that I convince myself that it never truly left. That all of this has been a lie.  _

 

He lifted his head up and glanced over at Lola. Watching her take in a breath or two. Following the movement with precision. 

 

He turned his head away and looked back down at the page. 

 

_ I remember the feeling like it was yesterday. The way the Mark traveled from Cain’s arm into mine. I could feel the power then. The danger. I never really told anyone that. I tried to play it off like it didn’t affect me until I was given the Blade. But that was a lie. It scarred me from the beginning. Tainted my soul before I even let it take an ounce of blood. But then I was handed that Blade. That thing made of bone and destruction. The Mark came alive when I touched it. Alive in a way that I hadn’t been in years. That was the scariest part of it all. It was like every nerve ending was ignited with a simple touch. All synapses firing as one. I was alive. I was...I was pure. Like Purgatory, only without the  _ _ conscience _ _.  _

 

_ Then I took the first life. That. That sealed it. That sealed my fate. It didn’t matter that he was a bad guy or that I did it to save us. I just knew. I knew that there was now a black mark on my soul that was never coming clean. It was worse than Kevin’s death, than all the deaths before. This was something my body was craving now. Like some junkie with a syringe in their vein. I needed more. Wanted more. Craved more. I was becoming everything I had ever hunted. I had never felt more alive or more dead at one time in my life.  _

 

He lifted the pen again. Amazed that he was able to write so much. He glanced at his hands, expecting them to be shaking uncontrollably. He was surprised, and honestly a little upset, to find that they weren’t. He wanted something to tell him to stop this. But his pen just found it’s way back to the page. 

 

_ Then I killed Abaddon. That...that was...God, it makes me sick even saying it, but that...that was like ecstasy. How fucked up is that? Yes, she was evil. Pure evil. But isn’t it just as evil to derive such pleasure from watching her bleed? From seeing all life, or whatever she had, drain out of her. That was the straw that broke any semblance of normalcy I had left. It was all downhill from there. Because all I wanted, all I needed, was to kill. To sate the Blade and feed the Mark.  _

 

He slammed the journal shut, tugging his pen away. That was good enough, right? He couldn’t write anymore about this. It was all too much. Way too much. This would have to do. 

 

He felt his fingers itching to open the journal up. Itching to write more and that confused him. That turned his insides inside out. He shouldn’t want to write anymore. He should want to destroy all the words he had written so far. But it was there. Deep down and he wondered if it was his  conscience or the leftover feelings from the Mark that was calling him. 

 

He was staring at the journal and holding his pen down at his side, willing himself not to write again, when his phone pinged. His eyes roamed over to his bedside table, landing on the phone. He was able to push the journal away and lift the it up. He couldn’t help the small smile that tugged at the corners of his mouth when he saw the message. But he quickly stopped the smile. He shouldn’t be happy after what he wrote. 

 

He looked at the message again.

 

**Donna:** _Hey! Are you up?_

 

He stared at the words on the screen for a few minutes and then glanced over at the journal. His mind reminded him of every word he had just written. All the violence and blood and the part of his soul that had gotten joy out of it. He knew he wasn’t that person, somewhere deep down, but he had been that person at one point. 

 

He looked back at his phone. The simple message bringing a little lightness to his heart and as much as he tried to fight it, he pushed call.

 

She answered after half a ring and her melodic voice was as sweet as honey. “Hey, you!”

 

He wanted to match her tone. Wanted to match the sweetness he found there, but his voice wouldn’t cooperate. “Hey.” It came out strained and dry, like it hadn’t been used in weeks. He silently prayed she wouldn’t hear it, but he knew that prayer would go unanswered. 

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

_ I’m worried I’m falling into a blackhole and I need you to pull me out.  _  “Nothing. Just a long day.” His voice cracked on the last word and he cursed himself.

 

“Dean, you can tell me.”

 

“I can’t tell you this.” He looked at the journal and quickly pushed it as far as way as possible. 

 

“You can tell me anything.” 

 

He shut his eyes tightly, trying to will himself back to being carefree, if he ever was that. Back to being lost in that bubble in Stillwater. Lost in her eyes, in the feel of her skin underneath his fingers. The taste of her tongue, the sweetness of her breath. “Dean?”

 

“God, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

 

He thought he heard a little hitch in her voice, maybe a worry there, but she covered it up. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

 

“Yes, I do. More than you know.”

 

He heard her sigh and there was a stutter to it, that fear there, the worry that he would hurt her like her ex had. He wanted to wipe that away, but he wasn’t sure if he could. “Dean, did you have another nightmare?”

 

And then something broke in him. Some wall he had been building the last week to protect her heart from this. A little sob escaped his lips before he could stop it and then the truth just started pouring out. He told her everything. All about how awful the nightmares were. How coffee had become his lifejacket. How he hated to close his eyes because he was afraid of what he would see. Every little detail was laid out in front of her, ending with him confessing about the journal. Not really the words per se, but what was behind it. What he had confessed on those pages. 

 

When he was done, he waited to hear her hang up. Hear her telling him to leave her the hell alone. That he was crazy. Insane. That it wouldn’t matter how many lives he saved, he could never make up for the blood he had shed. 

 

“Dean,” Here it was, the ending he had been waiting for since he first kissed her. “I wish I could hug you.” His jaw dropped and his eyes became huge. “I know that’s probably the silliest thing for me to say right now, but I just want to hold you. Just comfort you.” He didn’t think it was possible to fall more in love with her than he already was, but she proved him wrong. 

 

“You want to touch me? After everything I told you.”

 

“Yes, baby, yes.”

 

“But why? I’m fucked up and I’ve done some shitty things. I mean I dream about...God, how could you even want to be near me?”

 

“Okay, truth. Your dreams, yes they scare me.” Maybe this was it. Maybe she was being nice before she fled. “But not because I think you could ever do that. It scares me that you hate yourself so much.”

 

“But I...in the dream I...you…” He had no idea what to say. He didn’t deserve her. 

 

“It’s a dream, Dean. You have never been anything but tender with me. You’re my best friend. You talked me down from my own ledge time and again and you made me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry.” She let out a breath that he suspected she had been holding in. “But I will admit that it is kind of scary to think about that dream. To think about who you were. But it’s not who you are now.”

 

“But it’s still in there, Donna. That stuff I did, it’s never going away.”

 

“I know. But sweetie, you have to forgive yourself. You have to. It’s the only way you can move on.”

 

He took a drink of water and shifted on the bed, his body sinking into the mattress. He felt his exhaustion from his confession and what he wrote over taking him. “Donna, if you want to...if you need to take a break from me, I would understand. I wouldn’t blame you at all. It might be the best thing for you to do.”

 

“Dean Winchester, I told you before, you can’t get rid of me that easily.”

 

“But I don’t want you to stay with me if I’m hurting you or making you feel worthless, like your ex did.”

 

“Okay, first of all, you are nothing like my ex. Secondly, you have never made me feel worthless. In fact, it’s the exact opposite. I have never had a man look at me the way that you do. You make me feel more beautiful than I ever have.” He heard movement over the phone and wondered if she was sinking into her bed as well. “Lastly, if I truly felt like I was in danger being with you, I would leave. My friends and this amazing man I know, have all shown me what I’m worth and I won’t let anyone take that away from me again.”

 

“God, you’re incredible.”

 

“I know.” He chuckled and it felt so damn good. She laughed and then her voice got serious again. “So, are you going to try and forgive yourself?”

 

“Yes. For you. I want to do it for you.” And it was the truest thing he had ever said.

 

He could practically hear the smile on the other end of the line. “Well, I’m glad, but I also want you to do it for you, because you deserve it.”

 

_ I love you _ . It was all he wanted to say, but his fear still held him back. “So, how are you? How’s the case?”

 

She chuckled. “Oh, that’s actually why I texted you in the first place. It’s solved.”

 

“That’s awesome.”

 

“Yep, so...I just…I was wondering, you know, if maybe you wanted to meet up somewhere. Or I could come there or you could come here. I just-” It was amazing to hear nerves come back into her voice after everything he had said. There was something so endearing about that.

 

“Where do you want to meet?”

 

“I was thinking a hotel somewhere.” He grinned. “I mean I know you go to so many of those and it’s probably stupid, but-”

 

“I’d like that. But somewhere nice or nicer than what I’m used to.” Which wouldn’t be too hard to do.

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes. Let’s run away for a little bit.” He smiled and felt a tiny bit of that weight on his chest lift. Maybe he could do this. Maybe he could really be happy in the face of all the darkness. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Champions is a real documentary on Netflix. I highly recommend it. It is very hopeful, but do have the kleenex ready.
> 
> Thanks again for reading. <3


	14. Renovo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Donna take some time away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a light chapter. Wanted to give Dean a little break. There is some angst though and mentions of violence. No therapy in this chapter. And some pretty mild smut. I mean it's not explicit. But I did put little stars by where the scenes start and end in case you don't want to read that. There is some important stuff that happens before and after some of those scenes. Hope you guys enjoy.

Dean and Donna decided to meat in Urbandale, Iowa. Donna had found a nice hotel online and reserved a master suite for three days. Dean wanted to help pay for it, but she insisted that it was her treat. He gave in, but only after letting her know that all meals were on him. 

 

Sam, Cas and Beth were happy for him and they even chipped in some money for him to take Donna out on the town and told him not to worry about Lola. He told them to call if an emergency came up, but he had a feeling that that was not going to happen. 

 

He headed out early in the morning, his duffel packed to the brim. He wanted to try and stay in the room as much as possible, getting as much alone time with Donna as he could, but he also wanted to take her out to a nice meal. So the suit was a must. He grabbed his anxiety meds before leaving, praying that he wouldn’t have to use them. He tried not to think about his nightmares and how they might disrupt Donna or their time away. 

 

There was one additional item he took with him. A black garment bag that Beth had lent him. Inside was a present for Donna that he hoped she would love. 

 

He got to the hotel five hours later. He knew Donna was still an hour away, but he wanted to get there first so he could have time to hide the present. She had let him know that his name was on the reservation. 

 

His stomach started fluttering the second he pulled up in front of the hotel. It was only a couple stories high, but it was pristine looking. No falling or crumbling sign. No neon in site. He skipped valet and parked the car, giving himself a once over before exiting the car. If he thought the outside was nice, it was nothing compared to the inside. The floors were a nice rustic wood and they were polished, with not a scuff in site. There was a huge fireplace in the center, white leather chairs surrounding it. He felt out of place and his nerves started to get the best of him. He glanced down at his worn jeans and flannel and he wanted to run back to the car and change. Even his duffel, slung over his shoulder, felt out of place. 

 

He ran a hand through his hair, and marched up to the front desk with as much confidence as possible. The young lady behind the desk blinked when she saw him, but then quickly pasted on a smile. He checked in and said that one key should stay at the front desk for Donna. The woman offered to get a bell hop, but he declined. He could manage a duffel and a garment bag. 

 

He took the elevator up to the second floor and followed the signs to their room. When he opened the hotel room door his breath hitched slightly. It wasn’t overly fancy, but it was huge. A full size living area, nice little kitchenette and the smell...clean. Just clean. Fresh. Welcoming. 

 

He wandered the room, picking up the room service menu and glancing at the selections. Lots of stuff to make his mouth water. He wandered through the doors to the bedroom and smiled when he saw the bed. The comforter was white and he didn’t see any weird stains. He ran his hand over it, the smooth a nice counter to the rough skin of his palms. 

 

The bathroom was awesome. Nothing broken or looking like it hadn’t been washed in years. He noted that the shower looked like there was actually room for two. And then his eyes grew wide as saucers. There were two white, cotton robes hanging up. He felt almost giddy when he saw them and he couldn’t help but grab one, placing his arm inside one of the sleeves. It was like wrapping himself in a cloud. He stopped himself from stripping right there and throwing the robe on. He would have time to do that once Donna got there. 

 

There was an array of lotions, shampoos, and other body products laid out by the bathroom sink. He opened each one, inhaling deeply. There was a hint of jasmine and possibly some vanilla. He put a dollop of the lotion on his hand and rubbed them together. It covered the smell of gas and motor oil nicely. He felt clean. He felt human. 

 

He set his duffle down by the dresser and walked over to the closet, hanging the garment bag up inside. He hesitated. Donna would probably want to hang stuff up in the closet. How was he going to cover up for that? 

 

He wandered around the hotel suite until he found a piece of paper and pen. He wrote out a quick little note, trying to make sure it didn’t resemble his handwriting, and stuck it on the closet. Door. “Sorry, Donna, but closets out of order till tomorrow.”

 

His phone pinged and he felt almost giddy when he saw the text. 

 

**Donna:** _ Just parked the car. Holy geez, this place looks amazing. _

 

**Dean:** _ I can come down and meet you in the lobby. _

 

**Donna:** _ No. Stay there. See you soon…;) _

 

He smiled and put the phone in his back pocket. He walked out to the main room and stood watching the door. After a minute he realized how odd that looked, so he sat down on the couch, his eyes never leaving the front door. 

 

When he heard the click of the keycard he couldn’t help himself. Casual went out the window as he jumped up, and rushed over to the front door. The second it opened he was right there. She jumped a little, but then smiled at him. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her flush to him. She chuckled softly. “Well hey there.”

 

“Hey.”

 

He ran a hand through her hair, then cupped her face in his hands and pulled her into a kiss. 

 

He backed her back into the room and she closed the hotel door behind her, their lips never parting. They took a couple of steps backward, until the back of his legs hit the coffee table. He grimaced and they pulled apart. She chuckled. “You okay?”

 

He made a show of rubbing his leg, but grinned. “I think I’ll live.” He wrapped his arms around her waist. “Did you have a good drive?”

 

She shook her head. “It was way too long.”

 

“Yeah, I know what you mean.” They stared at each other for a moment, just breathing each other in. 

 

“So, did I do good with the room?”

 

He nodded. “Oh, yeah. It’s amazing.” His quirked his eyebrow. “We even get our own robes.”

 

She laughed. “Awesome.”

 

He grabbed her suitcase and led her into the bedroom. She looked around, smiling until her eyes landed on the closet. She walked over and touched the note. “Broken? Seriously?” She looked at Dean and he just shrugged. “Uh-uh. I’m gonna call them up and-” She was walking toward the phone, Dean gently grabbed her and she looked up at him with a confused look.

 

“I...I already told them. They apologized and said they would have someone fix it tomorrow sometime.”

 

“Okay. Well, shoot, I had some stuff I was gonna hang up.”

 

He almost felt guilty, but he wanted her to be surprised, so he lamely offered to iron them in the morning for her. She smiled at him like it was the kindest thing anyone had ever offered, and placed a chaste kiss to his cheek. 

 

Donna continued exploring the room and he heard her squeal when she found the robes. She called to him, “I can’t believe you didn’t put this on the second you got here.”

 

“I was tempted.”

 

She walked back out, both robes in hand. “Well, I think we should put them on.”

 

“When you’re right, you’re right.” He grinned, taking one of the robes from her. They both stripped out of their clothes, each sneaking looks at the other, but sticking to the task at hand. 

 

Dean let out a loud groan that had Donna blushing. “This, this is amazing.” He caressed the robe. “I’m definitely taking this home. Beats that old guy robe.” He wrapped his arms around himself and heard Donna snicker. 

 

“Do you want me to leave you two alone?”

 

He sauntered up to her, wrapping his arms around her waist, caressing her robe for a second. “Don’t be jealous?”

 

“Oh honey, I think I’ve got the leg up on that robe.” She wiggled her eyebrows at him and he chuckled softly.

 

“You definitely do.” He leaned down and gave her a kiss. 

 

They decided that they were both hungry and they curled up on the couch, looking over the room service menu. They both ordered the Renovo burger with the kettle chips and a slice of warm chocolate cake with cinnamon ice cream to share. 

 

After one bite of the burger, Dean decided that he would require an egg on every bacon cheeseburger from now on. It was almost sinfully good. Almost as sinful as watching Donna enjoying hers. She moaned around almost every bite and every sound sent his blood rushing south. He couldn’t wait to get her out of that robe. 

 

Once the burgers were done, they dug into the cake. The molten center flowing out perfectly and he didn’t think he would like it, but the cinnamon ice cream was a perfect balance. They fed each other bites of the cake and he had to stop himself from attacking Donna when her mouth went around the fork and she let out a pornagraphic moan, her eyes closed. “That’s sooo good.” His mouth went dry and he quickly cleared his throat, smiling when she looked at him. 

 

They set the dishes aside and Dean glanced down at Donna’s mouth. She had a tiny bit of chocolate on her lower lip. He leaned forward and she stopped moving when she saw him. “You have something on your lip.” He ran his finger across her lower lip and she blushed slightly. He took his finger and placed it in his mouth, sucking off the chocolate. “Yum.” He winked at her and she looked down, a bashful grin on her face. “You’re adorable.” 

 

“Stop it.” She gave him a playful slap on his chest and he grabbed her hand. He raised it up to his mouth and gave her a couple of kisses along her knuckles. 

 

She swallowed. “Do you want to...we should…” She rolled her shoulders back and he saw this confidence fall over her face. It was the sexiest thing he had ever seen. She leaned forward, her finger caressing his cheek. She licked her lips and whispered into his ear, “Take me to bed, Winchester.”

 

Never had he obeyed an order so quickly in his life. He lifted her up and carried her, bridal style, into the bedroom.

 

**He set her down slowly, his hands never leaving her side. She ran her hand around his neck, her fingers carding through the hairs on the nape of his neck. “I missed you.”

 

“I missed you too.” He gave her a quick peck on the lips. “Terribly.” She blushed again, like it shocked her that he could miss her that much. He ran a hand through her hair, pausing when he got to the rubber band. She nodded and he took it out, careful not to pull at any loose hairs. He watched as her it fell down around her shoulders and his breath hitched slightly. He wanted to grab his phone and take a picture. Capture this moment when she looked so beautiful. So free. 

 

Her hands made their way to the tie around his waist. Her fingers played with the knot there for a moment, before her eyes made their way back up to his. He gave her a little nod and she slowly undid the tie, opening the robe. She ran her hand over his chest and he took in a breath. Her hand stopped over his anti-possession tattoo and she let out a soft laugh. “What?”

 

She shook her head and looked up at him. “Nothing, I just...sometimes I can’t believe I get to do this.” 

 

He placed his hand over hers and leaned down to give her a quick kiss. “Same.”

 

She grinned up at him and wrapped her free hand around his back, pulling him closer to her. He bent down and she closed the distance between them. The kiss was gentle at first, almost reassuring, but then she opened her mouth slightly and her tongue darted out as he opened his mouth, and the kiss became more. There was a need there, a desire to be as close as possible. 

 

His hand shot out to the tie holding her robe together and he started to tug it loose, their lips never parting. She shimmied out of the robe and they started moving back toward the bed, always touching each other. Their mouths, tongues everywhere. He didn’t care if this time was quick and dirty, he needed her in a way he hadn’t needed anyone before. 

 

The rest of their clothes were discarded on the floor and they fell down on to the bed, rolling around until Donna was on top again. Watching her move on top of him was incredible. Watching her taking control of the rhythm, of everything, was hot as hell. 

 

He tasted every inch of skin he could reach, while allowing her to set the rhythm. Going faster, harder, slower, whatever he felt she needed. 

 

She climaxed seconds before he did and fell on top of him. He could feel she wanted to move away, whispering something about crushing him, but he didn’t want her to leave yet. Didn’t want to pull out of her, wanted to remain joined with her for as long as possible. He wrapped his arms around her back, running his fingers up and down her spine, peppering her face with kisses. 

 

**Finally, when their breaths had steadied and the heat of their bodies was almost too much, Donna moved to the side, her arm draped loosely over his stomach. “Well, that was-”

 

“Yeah.” Dean placed a little kiss on the top of her head. 

 

“We should take a shower.”

 

“Yep.” He ran his hand along her arm, cherishing the little sigh he heard. “Soon.”

 

Before either one of them got up to shower, sleep overtook them. Sleep, the thing Dean feared the most. 

 

* * *

 

He woke up thirty minutes later. Donna was still asleep, her head on his chest and her breath ghosting over his skin. His dream had been a little muddled, but his pounding heart told him that it had been bad. Probably nasty. But he was grateful he couldn’t quite remember it. 

 

He felt sticky and he was worried the pounding in his chest would wake Donna up. He gently lifted her up, placing her head down on the pillow. She stirred a little and he paused to see if she would wake up. After he was sure she wouldn’t, he got out of bed and made his way to the bathroom. 

 

He leaned over the sink, looking at his reflection in the mirror. His eyes didn’t look quite as wild as they had the past couple of days, but there was a fear there and some sadness. He grabbed the bottle of shampoo and some soap and turned the shower on. 

 

He stood under the water, watching as it ran over his skin. There were little marks from where Donna had kissed him, tasted him and he traced each one with his finger, trying to just remember the ecstasy of those moments. The pleasure he felt when she smiled at him as she came. The sound of her voice when she called out his name. 

 

He lathered up his hair and inhaled the clean scent of the shampoo. This was reality. No blood was found in that scent. No death or pain. It was purity. 

 

“I thought we were gonna shower together.” He nearly jumped at the sound of her voice. He glanced over and saw her standing outside the shower, naked and smiling. God, he loved her. Why couldn’t he just tell her that?

 

He grinned and opened the shower door. “Come on in, sweetheart. Water’s still warm.”

 

Her eyes traveled over his body for a moment, before stepping inside. They kissed and she ran her hands down his back and over his ass, giving him a little squeeze. “You should’ve woken me.”

 

“You looked so peaceful.”

 

She ran a hand over his cheek and scanned his face, staring deeply into his eyes. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

 

“Nope.” He reached around her and grabbed the shampoo. “I’d much rather do this.” He squeezed some shampoo into his hand and looked at her for a moment. “Can I?”

 

She nodded. He maneuvered her so she was closer to the stream of water. He guided her head back, making sure not to get any water in her eyes. When her hair was wet, he started to shampoo her hair, massaging her scalp. She closed her eyes, a very relaxed grin on her face. “Mmm...that feels good.” All his blood rushed south at that. 

 

He placed a quick kiss on her neck, before angling her head back to rinse the shampoo out. When he was done, she opened her eyes, grinning brightly at him. His sunshine. 

 

**She finished shampooing his hair, her breasts pressed up against his back. He leaned back into it and she placed kisses along his neck, over his shoulders. She rinsed the shampoo out and leaned up to give him a kiss, and ran her hands down his back, squeezing his ass again. He giggled. “You like my ass, huh?”

 

She blushed, but he saw the confidence from earlier still there. “It is pretty cute.”

 

He licked his lips and ran a hand down her back, cupping her ass. She sighed and let out a shaky breath. “So is yours.”

 

He leaned down and started kissing her neck, her shoulders, the tops of her breasts. She ran her hands through his hair, making little moans of pleasure. “Last time we tried this it didn’t go so well.”

 

“Yeah. Well,” He placed a kiss between her breasts. “Practice makes perfect.”

 

He backed her away from the water, that was now turning a little tepid, and stopped when her back hit the shower wall. He started kissing down her body, over her stomach, and further down until his mouth landed where he wanted to be. “Yeah, I think that…” She groaned clutching onto his hair as his tongue dove out to touch her. “This...this is probably the easier way to...Dean!” He chuckled against her and she moaned loudly. 

 

When she climaxed, she grabbed his shoulders and pulled him up to her, kissing him hard. When they pulled apart, breathless, she looked at him and gave a little wink, before maneuvering him around until his back was pressed against the wall. “Donna, you don't-"

She placed a finger to his mouth and started kissing down his body.  His head smacked the back of the shower wall so hard that he was surprised he didn’t start bleeding, but it was all worth it. Turned out Donna was very talented with her mouth, even more so than he was, but it didn’t mean he wouldn’t keep trying to out do her. ***

 

* * *

 

By the time they got out of the shower, Donna was already yawning and he could see her eyes fighting to stay open. He pulled her to his side and placed a kiss on top of her head. “Time to get you to bed.”

 

“Yeah,” she said around a yawn.

 

They climbed under the covers, and she turned over on her side, her back to Dean. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, her back pressed against his chest. It was so damn comforting that he was almost convinced that no nightmare could touch him.

 

He peppered her shoulder with soft kisses and followed her breaths as her body succumbed to sleep. He felt his eyes longing to close, but he was afraid of what that might bring. He didn’t want to wake up again with his heart trying to beat it’s way out of his chest. So, he watched her sleeping for a few moments. Following her breaths, watching her eyes move beneath her eyelids, a soft smile playing at the corner of her mouth. 

 

When he finally felt like he was being a little bit of a creeper, he quietly got out of bed. He threw on a pair of boxers and wrapped himself in the robe and walked out the main room.

 

There was a coffee maker sitting in the small kitchenette with several different kinds of coffees next to it. Maybe he shouldn’t do this. Maybe he should go back to bed and actually try to sleep. But he didn’t want to ruin their first night back together. So, he put on a pot of coffee and settled back on the couch. 

 

He flipped through the channels, until he landed on a marathon of the  _ Back to the Future _ movies. He had to smile at that. Was it possible for a couple to have a movie, kind of like a song? A couple? It still made his heart flutter.

 

Somewhere between the third cup and the last half of  _ Back to the Future II _ , he fell asleep. He didn’t mean to do it, but his body was so tired that even the coffee wouldn’t keep him awake. His dream was the one he had been having. He was in the bunker and no one could see him till he came upon Donna. She was bruised and battered, but not quite as bloody as before. He looked down and the Blade was in his hand again, the Mark searing his flesh as usual. 

 

Donna reached her hand out, bruises dotting her knuckles, and she traced the scar. He tried to pull his hand away, not wanting her to get infected by it, but she held him steady. 

 

He looked down at her and she smiled at him, the first genuine smile he had ever seen in this dream. She reached up and kissed him, her hand never leaving his arm. 

 

His eyes flew open as the credits were rolled on the movie. His feet were still on the ground, but the top half of his body had fallen over. He pulled himself up to a sitting position and tried to understand that dream. Understand the kindness there, even when he didn’t deserve it. She was still hurt and he was still sure he had done it, but she smiled at him like she always did. 

 

He rubbed the back of his neck and rolled his shoulders, trying to work out any tension sleeping on that couch and the dream had caused. He took a sip of the now cold coffee and grimaced when the bitter liquid touched his tongue. 

 

He glanced toward the door of the bedroom, willing his feet to move in that direction. He could curl up next to her, maybe fall back into that nightmare that was tainted with something akin to beauty. But he was afraid to do that. 

 

He made a fresh pot of coffee and went back to the couch and continued to fight back the sleep that longed to take over. He failed of course. Just as the credits rolled on the last movie, his eyelids started to droop and his body sank further back on the couch, his head falling to the couch cushion behind him. 

 

The dream came again with the added beauty to it. She still kissed him. Still touched him. Still smiled at him like he was worth something. She tried to speak to him, but he couldn’t hear the words. His hand had started shaking, the Blade pointing forward, inches away from her stomach. 

 

She just kept talking to him. Whispering sweet nothings and he wanted to urge her to run, but he couldn’t make his mouth work. Couldn’t find his voice. She nodded at him a, the smile never leaving her face, just as the blade started to cut into her flesh.

 

“Dean? Sweetie, you should-” His eyes flew open and he felt his heart racing. He shot up on the couch, almost to his feet and he could feel the sweat already soaking through his shirt. He felt Donna’s hand on his shoulder and he recoiled from it.  She looked a little hurt, but she still reached her hand out again. “Dean, it’s just me.”

 

He looked at her for a minute, trying to remember where he was. He blinked a few times and glanced around him. The coffee table with the half-drunk cup of coffee. The kitchenette. The bedroom door. The fresh smell. He was in the hotel. He was with Donna. It had just been a dream. He looked back at her and choked out, “Donna.” 

 

She smiled at him and put her arm around his shoulders. “Yes, sweetie, it’s me.” She rubbed circles on his back as he took in a couple of breaths and tried to get back to normal. This was why he had come out to the couch. He didn’t want her dealing with this. 

 

She ran a hand through his hair, her eyes on the coffee cup on the table. “How long have you been out here?” 

 

He suspected she knew the answer, but just wanted to hear it from him. “I...I came out here after you fell asleep.”

 

She sighed and he saw her frowning. “And the coffee?” 

 

“I was afraid to...I didn’t want to fall asleep.” He shook his head. “Guess that didn’t work out too well.”

 

“Did you have the dream again?”

 

He felt a rush of shame and felt his cheeks get hot. “Yes, but it was a little better.”

 

“That’s good.” She continued to run small circles along his back and he wished he could tell her that he wasn’t worth this, but he felt his body sinking into it. 

 

“Donna.” She looked at him, trying to give him a warm smile, but he saw the pain there. “You know if you...we can leave if this is too much for you.”

 

“What?”

 

“This was supposed to be a relaxing time for you and I don’t-” She cut him off with a kiss on his cheek and she pulled him into a hug. Holding him tightly. 

 

She spoke into his ear, not letting him go. “I don’t want you sleeping out here, okay?”  He couldn’t find the words to protest, so he just let her hold him. “I don’t want you to be afraid to fall asleep in the same bed with me.” She was almost rocking him now. And it felt so good, so soothing, that he almost fell asleep. And wasn’t that a kicker. “Can you do that, Dean?”

 

He had a hard time speaking and his voice came out a little strained. “Yeah, I think I can do that.”

 

She pulled away from him slightly, so she could look him in the eye. She touched the side of his face. “Remember, you are a beautiful man.”

 

He shook his head. “God, I don’t deserve you.”

 

“You deserve so much more than you know.” She gave him a quick peck on the nose and grinned. “Now, should we order in some breakfast? Maybe some pancakes? Or I saw they had waffles.”

 

His eyes got big at that and he was amazed again at how she could put his mind at ease. “Waffles, definitely waffles.” She grinned at him, gave him a little pat on the shoulder and got up to order the food. He watched her and took in the calm of this moment. The love...yes the love, in this moment and decided that he would try to stay off the couch that night. 

 

* * *

 

They gorged on waffles and bacon. There were tons of different toppings to try and Dean’s favorite combination was definitely the chocolate sauce, whipped cream and strawberries. It was the greatest breakfast he had ever had. They took a nice long shower together, this time without the sex, but with plenty of kisses thrown in.

 

After they had gotten dressed, Donna said she wanted to go into town, maybe see if there were any cool local spots. He really wanted to protest. Wanted to say he wanted to stay in the room the whole time. He didn’t want to share her with anyone, but she looked kind of excited to check out the local sites, so he gave in.

 

They wandered down the streets of the small downtown area, their hands always together, fingers intwined. He suspected this is what normal couples were like. Window shopping, sharing an ice cream cone, laughing without a care in the world. Yeah, he was kind of like that with Lisa. But the loss of Sam had always been in the back of his mind. This was different. No matter how dark his dreams were. How dark his thoughts. She could still bring the light in. He realized he could get used to this quickly and that thought sent a sharp pain to his chest. 

 

He tried to keep good track of the time. Their reservations were for seven and he wanted to make sure Donna didn’t feel rushed. He checked his watch as they walked into a local deli for lunch; one o’clock. They had time. 

 

As they sat there he looked around at the other customers. Most of them were slightly younger  than Donna and him, but not all. There were lots of couples. Lots of people who were either smitten or so used to each other that they didn’t even need to speak. He wondered if Donna and him would ever become that kind of couple. But then he remembered that hunters don’t get to live that kind of life. 

 

“Hey, what’re you thinking about?” 

 

Dean shook himself from his thoughts, from all the regrets he was having. “Nothing. Just checking out the locals.” She quirked her eyebrow at him. “You know, just...my hunter instincts scoping out the joint.” He took a sip of his water. “Guess those don’t go away easily.”

 

“Yeah.” The word was tinged with sadness and he wanted to ask her what was going on. But he was worried to push it. 

 

Their food arrived and the settled into small talk while they ate, Dean checking the time every five minutes. He had made a mental note to make sure they were back by three. Plenty of time for her to see the dress, hate it and- “Wow, I must really be boring you.”

 

Dean knitted his brow. “What?”

 

She gestured toward his watch. “You’ve been checking that every five minutes.” She pointed toward the clock on the wall to the right of her. “And then you check that right after.” He could tell she was trying to keep an annoyed look on her face, but the hurt took over and she looked down at the table, frowning. “Sheriff instincts, I guess.”

 

He reached across the table, taking her hand and squeezing softly till she looked at him. The frown was still there and he thought he saw some tears there. “Donna, you could never bore me.”

 

“I don’t know. I mean I know this isn’t as exciting as all the huntin’ stuff.”

 

“Donna, I haven’t been on a case since…” He felt a small chill run up to his spine when the image of her being thrown against a wall flashed into his mind. He took in a breath and continued. “I haven’t been on a case for a while, okay. I mean it’s been absolutely quiet. Know what I’ve been doing?” She shook her head. “I’ve been sitting around the bunker memorizing the titles of every book in the bunker and watching so much Netflix I feel like my eyeballs are going to fall out of my head.” She chuckled softly, but he still saw the doubt there. He leaned over toward her. “And hunts aren’t as exciting as you think. I mean, you should know that by now.” 

 

“Yeah, I guess. I just don’t want you to feel like...like you’re settling or something.”

 

“If anyone is settling here, it’s you. You’re incredible. I mean all you have to do is smile at me or laugh and I feel like I can do anything.” She blushed slightly, her cheeks taking on a rosy tint. He squeezed her hand again and leaned over, whispering in her ear. “And the sex, well no one turns me on like you do.” He placed a tiny kiss behind her ear and pulled back. He was thrilled to see how flushed she looked.

 

“Really?”

 

“Oh, you have no idea.” He gave her a playful little wink and popped a chip into his mouth, grinning widely at her. 

 

She laughed softly and he saw her relax a bit. “Sorry I get so...I don’t know.”

 

“Well, just know that if I ever see Doug again I will seriously kick his ass.” A pleased look came over her face and he saw the twinkle in her eyes. “I was looking at the time because I made reservations for us for dinner.”

 

Her eyes grew wide. “You did?”

 

“Yeah, I owe you a date.” 

 

“Dean, you don’t-”

 

He shook his head. “I do.” He kissed her hand. 

 

“What time are the reservations?”

 

“Seven. I just wanted you to have enough time to get ready and-”

 

“Oh, is this like a fancy place.”

 

“Well, I don’t know how fancy, but it’s supposed to be like Rat Pack themed or something.”

 

She clasped her hands together and she looked downright giddie. Yeah, maybe he did good. “Okay, well we better got than.” She was already standing up, throwing money on the table, while Dean was popping another chip in his mouth.

 

He chuckled. “We have a little bit of time.”

 

“Nope. I have to make sure I look perfect and-”

 

“You already look perfect.”

 

She rolled her eyes, grabbed his hand and started to pull him to his feet. “Come on, let’s go.”

 

He couldn’t even be upset. Her happiness was all he wanted. 

 

* * *

 

When they got back to the hotel, Donna made a beeline for the bedroom. He heard her rummaging through her bag, grumbling about the broken closet and the wrinkles on some of her dresses. He should put her out of her misery and show her the dress, but he had a plan for that. 

 

“Bingo!” He heard her exclaim. He peaked inside the room, chuckling when he saw all the clothes strewn across the floor. She shot him a dirty look and he held his hands up in surrender. She was holding a little pink dress in her hand and he was relieved it hadn’t been the burgandy number from their failed first date. If it had, he was pretty sure he would have thrown the blue one out the window. 

 

She walked past him, heading for the bathroom. “Hopefully the steam will iron out any wrinkles.”

 

“I can iron it for you.”

 

Her eyes grew wide. “Will you?”

 

“Yep.” He crossed his fingers behind his back. It wasn’t a bad lie, but he didn’t want to press his luck.

 

“THank you!” She did a little jump, kissed him on the cheek, tossed him the dress and made a dash for the bathroom. He chuckled. 

 

Once he heard the water running, he opened the closet door, keeping an eye on the bathroom door. He grabbed a hanger and placed the pink dress on it. He looked it over for a minute. It was pretty damn cute. It was about knee length, same as the dress he had bought her, and it had long sleeves. He could tell it would flow out beautifully around her knees and he almost decided to just iron that one, but he shook his head. He unzipped the garment bag, pulling the blue dress out. He smiled as he looked it over. He left the pink dress hanging up and took the broken sign off the closet door, tossing it in the trash. 

 

He toed his shoes off, not wanting to make any sound. He placed a hand on the bathroom door and tried to call on every hunter instinct he had as he slowly opened the door. The steam from the shower hit him and he could smell the jasmine and vanilla from the shampoo. He almost let out a little moan, but remained silent. 

 

Donna was humming some song and he was relieved to see her eyes were closed. He took a couple steps inside and hung the dress up where the robes had been. He smiled to himself and quietly backed out of the room. 

 

He tried to busy himself while she was in the shower. It seemed like the longest shower in the world. He grabbed his suit, ironed it even and she was still in there. He was starting to get worried, when he finally heard the water shut off. 

He wanted to see her face when she saw the dress, but he didn’t want to ruin the surprise. He took a couple steps closer to the bathroom door, wanting to hear everything. 

 

She was still humming when he heard her let out a soft gasp. He grinned to himself. “Oh my gosh!” The door started to open and he quickly took a couple steps back, trying to look as casual as possible. But he suspected he was failing terribly. 

 

She walked out, towel wrapped around her and the dress in front of he. Her eyes were a little misty. Did he screw up the size? The color? Or was it the wrong- “You bought me a dress?”

 

“Guilty.” She shook her head and blinked back tears. “If you don’t like it, I can-”

 

“I love it.”

 

He felt the relief rush over him. “Oh good.”

 

She glanced over toward the closet and put a hand on her hip. “So, the closet?”

 

He shrugged. “Oops.”

 

She shook her head, but smiled brightly. “Ya goof.”

 

“I hung the pink dress up.”

 

“Thanks.” She reached up and gave him a quick kiss. “You’re the sweetest man.”

 

He blushed and tried to take those words in. He cleared his throat and gestured behind her. “Now, I’m gonna go hop in the shower. You know, if there’s any hot water left.” 

 

She playfully hit him. “Geez, tell a guy his sweet and he turns sour.” She winked at him and walked passed her, giving her a playful little pat on her ass. She squealed and stuck her tongue out at him.

 

“Adorable.” He chuckled and closed the bathroom door behind him. 

 

They finished getting ready, both maneuvering around each other with ease, like they had done this a hundred times before. Donna did insist that he go out and wait on the couch while she finally put on the dress. He put up a bit of fight, although he really wanted to wait for her. But it was just too darn adorable to watch her push him out of the room. 

 

He tried to sit down and relax until she came back out, but he couldn’t sit still. He tugged on his tie so much that he was worried it would tear. He had to force his hands away. She said she loved the dress, but what if that changed when she put it on. He had never bought a woman a dress before It was probably the wrong size and it would make her feel bad. Or maybe the color was all wrong and she would hate it. Maybe it was too tight or too loose or- Donna walked out of the bedroom and all thoughts left his head. She looked stunning, even more beautiful than she did on the night of their spoiled date. 

 

The dress was a dark blue off the shoulder number that landed just above her knees. It wasn’t cut too low, but it did give a beautiful peak at her cleavage and it hugged her curves so perfectly that he almost sighed. “You look amazing?”

 

“Yeah?” She ran a hand down the front of the dress, smoothing it out were she thought it might be wrinkled, but it looked perfect.

 

He nodded. “Do you still like it?”

 

“Yes. Even more so.”

 

“Good. I was so worried that  once … you look so gorgeous.”

 

She blushed slightly and ran a hand down the front of his shirt. “You don’t look so bad yourself, handsome.”

 

He smiled and held out his arm. “Shall we.” She nodded and took his arm.

 

The reservation was at a local place called  _ Johnny’s Italian Steakhouse _ . The lighting was pretty cool, if he did say so himself. Soft midnight blue with reddish and pink undertones. The light hit Donna’s eyes just right and made them sparkle. The notes of  _ Fly Me to the Moon _ were softly playing and he noticed a small dance floor in the center of the room. It was completely empty and he saw Donna’s eyes glide over the wood on the floor and he wondered if she would want him to ask her to dance. He’d done it before. 

 

They were seated at a quiet table near the back, soft candlelight illuminating their table. It was cozy, intimate, and he guessed the perfect setting for a romantic evening. 

 

Donna was looking around the place, a dazzling smile on her face. Her eyes were twinkling in the candlelight and he thought he had never seen anything more captivating. “Holy geez, Dean, this place is pretty gosh darn cool.”

 

He chuckled. “I’m glad you like it.” She turned that dazzling smile on him and his heart stopped for a brief moment.

 

The waiter came along to take their drink order and they both ordered a coke. “Donna, you can drink in front of me if you want.”

 

She shook her head. “I want to be sober for this.” She opened up the menu and her jaw almost dropped to the table. She whispered, “Dean, this place is way too pricey.”

 

He waved her off. “Don’t worry about it.” She worried her bottom lip. “It’s fine, I swear.” He had hustled quite a few games of pool before this and maybe borrowed some cash, but he wasn’t going to tell her that. 

 

“Are you sure? Because I can-”

 

“Hey, what kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t take you out to a nice meal?” He saw her flush a little at the word  _ boyfriend _ , but she managed to keep a pretty straight face and went back to the menu. 

 

The waiter returned with their drinks and some bread for the table. They ordered their dinner; a ribeye for Dean and a filet for Donna, both with a loaded baked potato on the side. “Can you also bring us the Lobster Mac and Cheese to start?” He saw Donna getting ready to protest, but he just threw a sexy little wink her way and she sat back. 

 

The mac and cheese was to die for. Way better than anything he had ever made for Sammy. The cheese was almost sinfully good and the lobster had Dean moaning loudly round his spoon. He saw Donna snicker and maybe lick her lips a little, but she was enjoying it just as much as him. “Oh my God, Dean, this is better than-”

 

He pointed his spoon at her. “Please don’t say sex.

 

She laughed and pretended to think about that for a second. “Well, it might be a close second.” She gave him a wink.

 

“Well, I’m just gonna have to make sure it stays a very distant second.” He saw her swallow and take a long drink of water. 

 

They finished the dish in comfortable silence and Donna proclaimed that she was too full for her steak. But when it arrived, she managed to eat about half of it. “Man, I probably gained ten pounds with that meal.”

 

He frowned at her. He would never understand why she thought she was anything but perfect. “Hey, you’re gorgeous and ten pounds would only make you even more appealing.”

 

She smiled, but he saw her self-doubt. She looked down at the remaining steak. “You don’t have to say that.”

 

He reached across the table, touching her arm. She looked up at him. “I’m not lying. I’ve always thought you were gorgeous. Every inch of you.”

 

She grinned shyly at him. “Thanks.” He wasn’t sure if she bought it, but he would tell her every day until she did. 

 

He heard the first notes of  _ My One and Only Love _ start playing and he gently took her hand in his. She looked up at him. “Will you dance with?”

 

She looked around the room, her eyes stopping at the dance floor. “No one else is dancing.”

 

“Well, then we won’t have to worry about running into anyone.” He stood, taking her with him.

 

“Dean, you don’t have to.”

 

“I want to.” And he was shocked by how true that sentence was. Of course when they got on to the dance floor he almost changed his mind. It was one thing dancing alone, without an audience, but he could feel the eyes on them as they made their way out onto the floor.

 

He placed one arm around her back and held her hand. She looked behind him. “Everyone’s looking at us.”

 

“If you’re uncomfortable we can-”

 

She looked at him and shook her head. “I’m fine, as long as you are.”

 

“I’m perfect.” And with that they started to dance. It wasn’t the most graceful number, and he had to apologize when he stepped on her toes, but it was awesome. Being able to have his arms around her. To feel her against him, trusting him as he led her around the dance floor. He even tried for a little spin, and yes, she only made it halfway around, but she still looked breathtaking. 

 

When the song stopped, he held her against his chest, both of them breathing hard. A few people at the table’s surrounding the dance floor clapped. And he chuckled at that. She reached up and gave him a kiss. “This is the best date I’ve ever been on.”

 

“It’s only just begun.” He gave her another little spin as he led her from the dance floor. 

 

* * *

 

They had ordered some tiramisu to go and by the time they got back to the hotel, Dean was hungry again. The smell had filled his senses and his mouth was watering. He wanted to sit down on the couch and devour it, but he was also hungry for something else. Hungry to kiss Donna. To touch every inch of her. To show her how beautiful she was. To make her realize how easy it was to get lost in the sparkle of her eyes. 

 

Dean locked the hotel room behind them and watched as Donna moved around the hotel room. She walked to the kitchen, studying the coffee choices. He walked towards her. “Do you want some decaf? Might go well with the-” Her breath hitched when she turned around. He was a few inches from her, his eyes already darker, his skin already a little flush. 

 

He licked his lips. “Maybe we can have dessert a little later?” She nodded and watched as he took another step toward her and placed his hands on her hips,. “You look so incredibly sexy tonight.”

 

She placed her hands on his hips and it was almost like they were dancing again. “Well, you look sexy every second.”

 

He gave her a little grin and leaned forward, his mouth inches from her ear. His breath ghosting over the skin. “I’ve wanted to get you out of this dress since you walked out of that bedroom.” He heard her sigh and felt her melting a little in his hands. He started kissing her neck.

 

She let out a breathy chuckle. “It really looks that bad, huh?”

 

He grinned against her skin. “Oh, it’s quite the opposite actually. I think I made too good of a purchase.” She leaned her head back slightly, giving him more access. He took full advantage. He placed kisses along her jaw, her cheek, both her eyelids, her nose. He grinned and she pulled him closer, their lips crashing together. 

 

**There was no slowness to this kiss. No hesitancy. There was just need and lust and, if he was being bold, love. 

 

He wrapped his arms tightly around her, their bodies flush together. He ground his hips into hers, swallowing her moan when his arousal hit her center. They pulled apart for air and Dean took the opportunity to lift her up into his arms, carrying her toward the bedroom. 

 

He set her down at the foot of the bed and asked her to turn around. She did and he placed his hand at the top of her zipper, along with a kiss along her shoulder blades. “Can I take your dress off now?”

 

“God, yes.”

 

He chuckled into her skin and she shivered slightly. He slowly pulled down the zipper, getting a rush when he saw all the skin revealead, the clasp of her black bra a nice contrast to the creamy skin that was revealed. He kissed her back as he slowly pushed the dress down over her shoulders, her chest, until it fell to the ground. 

 

He placed open-mouthed kisses along her back, his tongue darting out every few seconds to get a taste. “Mm...you taste better than dessert.”

 

She let out a laugh combined with a little moan as he ran his tongue down her spine. He placed kisses along the edge of her underwear and stood back up, one hand on the clasp of her bra, the other on her arm. He turned her around as he unclasped her bra and kissed her as it fell to the ground. He planned to continue tasting every inch of her, but Donna’s hand on his chest stopped him

 

“You’re...you’re wearing far too much.” She smiled and started to loosen his tie, his suit jacket already on the floor. He watched as her hands made quick work of the buttons, pushing the shirt off. Her hands rushed down to the hem of his shirt and he thrilled at how eager she was. 

 

He lifted his arms and she pulled the shirt off, tossing it the side. She bit her lip and ran her fingers along his chest, his breath hitching as they glazed over his nipples. Her hands went further down, stopping at the waist of his dress pants. She tugged at the belt, pulling it out quickly and tossing it on the floor. There was something almost predatory to it. Something that made him wonder if there were other things they should be exploring. He gave her a cocky grin. “Eager are we?”

 

She pulled his pants and boxers down in one go, licking her lips as she looked him over. “I don’t think I’m the one who’s eager here.”

 

She gave him the sexiest smile he had seen yet and pulled her panties down, stepping out of them and tossing her shoes to the side. “Jesus, Donna.” He looked her over and he did let out a moan, maybe a sigh, maybe an eager sound, he didn’t care. He just needed to be inside her. 

 

He lifted her up, her legs wrapping around him, and placed her down on the bed. He gave her a heated kiss, sucking on her tongue and then he placed a few more heated kisses along her jaw, her neck, over her breasts, down her stomach and then back up again. He wanted to taste every bit of her, but that would have to wait. 

 

He grabbed a condom and kissed her as he eased himself inside her. She adjusted to him and they found that perfect rhythm again. A little slow at first, then moving faster, harder, till they reached that perfect pace. The one that worked for both of them. The one that brought them to the heights of pleasure. They found their climax together, the first time that had happened. And as they came down from their high, Dean placed soft kisses of praise along her face, lips, everywhere he could touch.***

 

He tried to catch his breath as he moved to the side. He grinned over at her. “Definitely better than dessert.”

 

She giggled. “Oh yeah, but I think you were right?”

 

He furrowed his brow. “About what?”

 

“I’m starving now.” They both laughed and he pulled her into a languid kiss. 

 

They pulled apart and he caught that sparkle in her eye again. That warmth that had wrapped its way around his heart. He let out a shaky breath. She touched the side of his face. “You okay?”

 

“Yeah. Yes. I’m more okay than I have been for awhile.” She grinned and gave him a peck on the cheek. 

 

“I’m gonna go get that dessert and make some coffee.” 

 

She moved to get out of the bed and he watched as she got up. He followed every curve of her beautiful body. Every inch that he savoured. That he adored. That he wanted to be near for as long as she would have him. He smiled and without even thinking said it. “I love you.” It just happened. Just slipped out and his heart felt like it was going to explode. 

 

Donna froze and stood still for a moment. He saw her shoulders rise as she took in a deep breath and slowly turned around. “What did...what did you say?”

 

No turning back now. He could do this. He meant it more than he had ever meant anything. He smiled and got out of bed, walking over to her. He took her hands. “I love you, Donna.”

 

She smiled and he saw her eyes get misty. “You love me?”

  
He nodded. “Yes.”

 

She cupped his face in her hands and started kissing his face. Just tiny kisses everywhere. He giggled. She suddenly stopped and looked at him. “I love you too.”

 

“You do?”

 

“Yes, you goof.”

 

He let out a breath he had been holding since the words crossed his lips and chuckled softly. “Let’s go get that dessert.” 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I went back and forth on the I love you. I was going to put it somewhere else, but it just seemed to fit here and I liked the idea of him saying it in a natural and relaxed way. And I always wanted him to be the first one to do it. 
> 
> The hotel they stay at is based on a real hotel called Hotel Renovo, hence the title of the chapter. I've never been there. It did look nice online. And I really liked the name. The restaurant is real as well, but I also haven't been there so descriptions are mostly made up. Thanks for reading. :)


	15. Love Is Stronger Than Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean's brief vacation comes to an end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly shorter chapter. Therapy is back and there is some mention of violence. Some angst with a bit of fluff thrown in. <3 Thanks for reading.

Their remaining time at the hotel was spent in a private bubble of love, sex and confession. They barely left the hotel room. They talked for hours about everything. Things they hadn’t yet told each other. Stories from their past. Relationships they had been in. That was a hard one for Dean. He hated hearing about the guys that had hurt Donna. Hated to see the sorrow briefly flash across her face. She had talked about her ex with him before, but this was different. There was more intimacy to it. A sense of vulnerability that he wasn’t used to. 

 

He told Donna all about Lisa and Ben. How he thought he would build a life with them. How their lives had been in danger from the moment he knocked on Lisa’s door. The shell of a man he was when he arrived on their doorstep. He hadn’t talked about them this much since the last day he saw them. But telling Donna about the pain of letting them go was oddly healing. He did see the brief look of disappointment and maybe an ounce of fear, that passed over Donna’s face when he told her about Cas erasing their memories. She reached a hand out to trace the back of his arm, her fingers tracing circles over his biceps. “Don’t ever do that to me.” She looked up at him, her eyes filled with warmth, but also determination. “No matter what happens between us or whatever danger I’m in, never make me forget you.”

 

He swallowed, reached out a hand to cup her face and gave her a soft smile. “I promise.” She gave him a quick smile, that didn’t quite reach her eyes, and turned away. “Are you mad at me?”

 

She shook her head. “No. I just...She loved you. They loved you and they don’t even…” She looked down, her voice trailing off. 

 

He reached a tentative hand out and placed it on her shoulder, squeezing gently. “I know that what I did was the right thing. As hard and as painful as it was. I couldn’t...I couldn’t put her child through that. She was in the hospital, close to death and that was because of me.” She continued to look down at her lap. “I lost a mom and I didn’t want him to go through that. I did it because I loved them.”

 

She blinked and he saw tears in her eyes. She looked up at him. “And if I had a kid? Would you-”

 

“She wasn’t a hunter, Donna.” He turned in his seat on the couch to face her fully. “She wasn’t a sheriff. She wasn’t a part of this life.”

 

“But she still loved you. And you just...you erased that.”

 

“I know. Sometimes the things we do to protect the people we love are the things that hurt the most.” She glanced away and he saw her shoulders slump as she took in a shaky breath. He wanted to hold her, but was afraid she would push him away. “I’m sorry. But I-”

 

She whipped her head back around to face him. The fear and sadness in her eyes took his breath away. “Did you want to do that when your nightmares started?”

 

“What?”

 

“I know you wanted to push me away. I felt it.”

 

“Donna-”

 

“Did you?”

 

He shook his head and moved closer to her, reaching a hand out. He took her hand in his and was so grateful when she didn’t pull away. “I don’t. I promise.”

 

“But what if they never go away? What if all you see is that damn dream every time you close your eyes?”

 

The idea of it sent a chill up his spine. But the hurt in her eyes was worse. “My nightmares are not your fault. You know that, right?”

 

She looked down, pulling her hand away from his. “Yeah.”

 

He placed a finger under her chin and lifted her face towards him. “You are the only person I know who can make me smile when all I want to do is crawl into a hole and never come out.” She blinked, but didn’t pull away from him. “The nightmares are about me. About my crap. You are the sunshine. The light. And if the nightmares continue, I know I can make it because you’re there.” Those were the truest words he had uttered and it shocked the hell out of him. The worry that she would be in danger being around him was nothing compared to the fear of being without her. “Okay?”

 

“Yeah, okay.” He pulled into a tight embrace and they held each other for a few minutes. 

 

They finally pulled apart and Dean could see that a little bit of that fear was gone. “But Dean, if you ever have Cas do that to me, I will kick your sorry butt.” She pointed at him and he saw a tiny hint of a smile. He felt his stomach muscles relax.

 

He moved a strand of her hair behind her ear. “I promise.” She let out a breath and smiled. They needed to relax. Needed to do something to break this wall of sorrow that had found it’s way into their private bubble. “Hey, did you remember to pack a swimsuit?”

 

She furrowed her brow, looking at him like he had lost his mind. “A swimsuit?”

 

“There’s a pool downstairs and I’d like to go swimming.”

 

She shrugged. “I’d love to, but I don’t have a swimsuit.”

 

“That’s okay. I didn’t bring one ether.” He winked at her and pulled her up from the couch, walking her toward the door.

 

Her eyes were as wide as saucers and a blush creeped up on her cheeks. “Dean-”

 

“Hey, it’ll be okay. If anyone’s down there, we’ll just leave.” He saw hesitation in her and she stood looking at him, her feet rooted to the ground. He was about to say nevermind. They could get suits in the morning or go swimming some other day. He didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. But then her face broke out into a grin and she started walking out the door with him in tow.

 

The pool was indoors, with glass windows surrounding it. It was nine o’clock when they arrived. One hour before the pool closed. There were white deck chairs lining the edge and the water looked fairly clean. A heck of a lot cleaner than any pool he had seen on the road. Most of those should’ve come with hazard warnings. 

 

Donna looked around, her nerves coming back. He rubbed her arms. “Hey, if you don’t want to do this, we can go back.”

 

She looked around and then seemed to make up her mind. She took a step back from him, his arms dropping to the side, and she pulled her shirt off, tossing it on one of the nearby chairs. She then took off her shoes, socks and lastly her jeans. Leaving her in only a white bra and panty set. Dean’s mouth went a little dry. She winked at him and walked past him, jumping into the pool. 

 

He watched her body moving beneath the water. Watched as she swam across the length of the pool, her arms slicing through the water. The rivulets of liquid running down her skin as she moved. It was hypnotizing and he would’ve been content just to stand there watching her all night. When she got to the other side of the pool, she turned and swam back toward him. She stopped, placing her arms on the edge of the pool. “Are you getting in or what?” She grinned at him and splashed some water at him. He laughed and proceeded to strip down to his boxers and dove in. 

 

They swam the length of the pool. Splashed each other. Dove under the water, seeing who could hold their breath longer. And they laughed. Laughed til their sides hurt. Till every thing else just disappeared. It was the best damn swim he’d ever had.

 

But all good things must come to an end, including their time at the hotel. Donna told Dean that she would come out and visit him soon and he promised to bring Lola up for a visit sometime. Either way, they would see each other again soon. They held each other until it felt like their bodies had become one. 

 

After awhile, they finally pulled apart. Dean cupped Donna’s face and gave her a long and languid kiss, tasting her and trying to savor it as long as possible. When they finally broke apart, he could see the sadness in her eyes and he suspected the same could be seen in his. “I love you, Donna. Don’t you forget that.”

 

“I love you too.” They gave each other another quick kiss before parting. He watched as her jeep pulled out of the parking lot. Watched it fade into the distance and then climbed behind the steering wheel of Baby and started his drive home.

 

* * *

 

Two days later Dean found himself back out on a hunt with Cas and Lola at his side. Just a little werewolf activity a couple states over. It was the first hunt in a while and he found himself a little excited about it. It was better than sitting around the bunker missing Donna or worse, lying around the bunker being surrounded by his nightmares and that journal entry that he hadn’t finished. 

 

There was a part of Dean that wondered if a werewolf hunt was the best place for a dog. But she was a big help. Turns out a dog’s sense of smell can come in handy out on the road and when he noticed her hackles rising around a young couple they were interviewing, he took it to heart. Lola’s hackles never raised around people. And she was right. They were the werewolves they had been hunting. They took them out in the middle of the night and were back on the road two hours later. He bought Lola a celebratory bone and three new balls. She was becoming a regular hunter. 

 

He sent Donna a picture of Lola with her winnings from the hunt and Donna sent back a thumbs up emoji together with words of congratulations. He missed her. Missed her like crazy and it had only been a couple of days. It scared him. Terrified him, to be more exact. But he found that he didn’t want to run from it. Instead he wanted to embrace everything about it. If only he could get the damn nightmares to go away. 

 

Dean had therapy the next day. Just five more sessions to go and he would be through with it for forever. A fact he still hadn’t told anyone about, not even Donna. He felt shame whenever he thought about telling someone. Maybe that should’ve been a sign he should be paying attention to, but he chose to ignore it. He still had time to tell them. Still had time to come clean. 

 

He decided to take Lola this time. She hadn’t been in awhile and the truth was he missed having her there with him. Laura was thrilled to see her and he felt his heart fill with pride. Lola had so much love in her life and he hoped it was enough to make up for all that she had been deprived of before. 

 

Dean took his regular seat on the couch and Lola curled up on the dog bed by his feet. “How have you been Dean?”

 

“Good. I went away with Donna for a few days.”

 

“Where did you go?”

 

“We stayed in an upscale hotel in Iowa.”

 

“Was it relaxing?”

 

He smiled. “Yeah. For the most part.”

 

“I’m really glad you got to do that, Dean.”

 

“Me too.”

 

“Did you have any nightmares while you were gone?”

 

He shifted a bit in his seat and glanced down at his knee, studying the tiny rip in his jeans. “Yeah. Those didn’t go anywhere.”

 

“I’m sorry.” He shrugged. “Did you tell Donna?”

 

“Yeah. I did. I actually … I actually told her about all of it. About trying to forgive myself. About everything in the dream. All of it.”

 

Laura smiled at him. “How did that feel?”

 

“It sucked, honestly. I thought for sure she’d tell me to get lost.”

 

“Were you glad when she didn’t?”

 

“Yes and no.”

 

“Why no?”

 

He pursed his lips and tried not to let the shame take hold. “Because I don’t want to ruin her life.” He glanced toward the window. “She’s so caring and so forgiving. I just don’t know if I deserve that.”

 

“Dean-”

 

He looked back at her. “I know. I deserve to be happy. I need to forgive myself.” He sighed. “I know. I just...I’m so tired.”

 

“Hating yourself can be exhausting.”

 

He glared at her. “I don’t hate myself.” And that was only partially true.

 

She held up her hand. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have-”

 

“I used to. And sometimes I still do. Those moments when I catch my reflection in the mirror at just the right angle. When I can see all the scars there. All the ones that have healed and the ones that are still open.” He looked down and shook his head. “Then I hate myself.”

 

“Dean, I know you’re sick of hearing it, but if you forgive yourself maybe it can help get rid of that hatred.”

 

He sighed and looked back up at her. “I started writing about it. About myself back then.”

 

“How was that?”

 

“Scary as hell.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I stopped myself from finishing it.”

 

“Why was that?”

 

“Because I...the things I was writing it was like, it was like my mind just took over and I couldn’t stop. It was like it wanted to get out and I just...it just hurt.” He glanced over at Lola. “And I remember Lola was sleeping next to me, so peaceful. And I just kept thinking that if I kept writing about this. If I kept reliving it, it would somehow shatter that peace.” He shut his eyes, took in a deep breath and looked back at Laura. “I can’t do that to her. To Donna. To Sam and Cas.”

 

“Dean, just because you write about it doesn’t mean it’s going to make you that person again.”

 

“But you don’t know that it won’t.”

 

“True, but your nightmares are still there and you still see that reflection that you hate. You have to give it a try.”

 

He clasped his hands together and stared down at his fingers, noticing the little tremble in his index finger. Probably the coffee he was back on. “My dream had this weird hope in it when I was in Iowa.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“It was still horrible and Donna still died, but she spoke to me. Really spoke to me. With words and without. And she looked at me like I was beautiful, even in the midst of the horror.”

 

“How did she look at you before?”

 

“She told me I was poison.” He looked up and sat back on the couch. “So, kind of like that.”

 

“Why do you think the dream changed?”

 

He shrugged. “I don’t know. It was bad when I was with her the last time, so I don’t know what changed.”

 

“Are you sure you don’t know?”

 

He looked at he for a second, trying to gauge what it was she wanted him to say. And then it hit him. He rolled his eyes. “Let me guess, the writing was what did it?”

 

She shrugged and he felt a bubble of frustration well up inside. “I don’t know. Perhaps. But it may have also been talking about it with her. Opening up and not having her shut you out.”

 

“I’ll choose that one.”

 

She chuckled softly. “I think it may have been the combination.”

 

“Of course you do.”

 

“Have you told anyone about quitting therapy?”

 

He licked his lips and felt some nervousness seap in. “No.”

 

“Not even Donna?”

 

“Not even Donna.”

 

“Why is that?”

 

“Because they’ll all look at me like I’m a failure.”

 

“Do you think you’re a failure?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Dean, you’ve been coming to therapy for two years now. Two years. That’s amazing.”

 

“I guess.”

 

“You need to give yourself more credit. You could've quit a million times and you didn’t. You did hard work in here. You opened yourself up to so much. Don’t ever discount that.”

 

He grinned slightly and felt his cheeks getting hot. “Okay. Okay. But I’m still quitting.”

 

She laughed softly. “I know. Four more sessions after this.”

 

“Yep.” He pointed at her. “But not ready to talk about that dad stuff yet.”

 

“Fair enough.”

 

He ran a hand through his hair. “I...I told Donna I love her.”

 

Her eyes got a little wide and he saw the surprise in her face. “How did that go?”

 

He couldn’t help but grin and he felt the warmth of that moment like it had just happened. “She told me she loved me too.”

 

“I’m not surprised.”

 

“Well, I was.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Hell. yeah.” He shook his head. “I still can’t believe she even wants to kiss me let alone love me.”

 

“How did it feel when you said it?”

 

“Good. Weird. Scary. All that shit.” He crossed his arms. “It just kind of happened. We were…I was just watching her and it just came out, like I had no choice. I was so scared that she would run.”

 

“Did you believe her when she told you?”

 

He looked at her. “Why? Should I not?”

 

She shook her head quickly. “No. that’s not what I meant. I think you should definitely believe her. I just know that it’s been hard for you to believe that in the past.”

 

He thought about it for a second and surprised himself with the answer. “Yeah. I did.”

 

“That’s wonderful, Dean.” She pointed her finger at him. “See, you’ve made progress in here. You should be damn proud of yourself.” 

 

He chuckled. “I guess.”

 

“I’m serious. Give yourself a pat on the back.” He looked at her like she must be joking, but she just gestured to him, encouraging him to do it. He laughed and reached his hand behind his back, giving himself a small pat. “That’s good.”

 

He laughed and shook his head. “You’re kind of weird.”

 

“Weird isn’t always a bad thing. Remember that.” He gave her a quick smile and looked down. “I want you to try and tell Donna about quitting therapy.”

 

“I don’t know if I can.”

 

“Dean, you’ve opened up a lot to her and she hasn’t run yet.”

 

“Yet being the operative word there.”

 

“You should tell someone and I think she is the perfect person to tell.”

 

He sighed, knowing he wasn’t going to get out of this without agreeing. “Fine. I’ll try.”

 

“Good.” She made a little note in her notebook. “And I want you to try and finish writing about that time. I want you to try and write out the words I forgive you.”

 

He swallowed. Knowing he needed to give an affirmative or she would just push. But that was easier said than done. “I...God, I don’t-”

 

“Just try. You've already earned yourself that relaxed last session and the pie, but I want you to try and continue.”

 

He nodded. “Fine. I’ll try.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

“Why are you thanking me?”

 

“Because I know how hard it is for you and you’re trying. That’s something to be thankful for.”

 

“You’re not gonna make me pat myself on the back again, are you?”

 

She laughed. “Not this time.” She made another note.

 

“Thank you.” She looked up at him, a little look of confusion on her face. “For...I wouldn’t be with Donna or have Lola without…” He trailed off, not wanting to cry. Not wanting to give into the tears he felt trying to come.

 

She gave him a warm smile. “You’re welcome, but I just listened. You did all the work.”

 

He smiled and looked down at Lola, giving her a little pat on the head. “I’ll try writing some more. I really will.” She smiled at him.

 

* * *

  
  


He held the journal out in front of him, the pages opened up to his last confession. The words that had stung and carved away at his heart. 

 

Lola lay next to him, peacefully dreaming. No idea of who her Dad used to be. No idea of the pain he caused. The pain he relished. And she never would, if he had anything to say about it.

 

He clicked the pen open, his hand hovering above the page. Without realizing it, he scooted a couple of inches away from Lola, took a deep breath and continued to write. 

 

_ Jesus, everything I’ve written here so far is so, well, dark. Hard to believe that anything could shock me after everything I’ve done. Everything I’ve seen. But reading back over the words I’ve written sends a chill down my spine. This is why I was afraid of writing this. I’ve tried so hard to push that shit down. Bury it so deep that it had no way of being resurrected. But here I am, taking a shovel to my past and letting it out for all the world to see.  _

 

_ I remember the day I died and woke up with black eyes so vividly that I can almost smell it. Smell the cleanliness of my room mixed with the dried blood on my skin. I remember the feeling of my hand around the Blade and Crowley’s shadow just above me. I remember opening my eyes and seeing him and realizing all at once that I was not me. Not entirely. I was free. As fucked up as that is to say, it’s the truth. I no longer had the responsibility of saving the world. Of killing the things that go bump in the night. Of protecting my brother. I was no longer a surrogate father. I was no longer a hero. I was just me or a version of me. _

 

_ My only goal when I had those black eyes was to find as much pleasure as possible and inflict pain whenever I wanted. Drinking. Sex. Lots of sex. Stupid karaoke, which I never thought I’d want to do again. Then death. Murder. Slicing into people. I don’t even remember all of it. Like there was a shield covering my eyes. But I do remember the feeling of slicing into Lester. The satisfaction of killing him. It was a pleasure I hadn’t known before. Sure, there is a weird thrill that you can get when you kill a monster. A thrill that you have won over evil. But this was different. Lester was a douche, a total asshole and yes, he sold his soul for the death of his wife. But he was an innocent. He was human and nothing can ever make that right. And nothing can ever erase the fact that I got pleasure from that. Not because I defeated evil, but because I had taken a life simply because I could. _

 

Dean shoved the journal away and flew out of bed, his hand over his mouth. He flew down the hallway and into the restroom. He barely made it to the toilet before he was puking his guts out. All of his dinner gone, maybe even some of his breakfast. He collapsed on to the tile floor, his chest heaving. What the hell was he doing? Why did he have to write about that part? If this is what forgiveness was, maybe he didn’t want it. 

 

After several minutes, he pulled himself up and splashed his face with cold water. He ran a towel over his face and stared at his reflection. Looking at the green of his eyes, the little brown flecks visible in the light. No black. No demon in there. He wasn’t that man anymore. He had to remember that. 

 

His legs were shaking as he slowly made his way back to his room. Lola looked up when he walked in, her head tilted in concern. He tried to give her the most reassuring smile he could muster, but her face still looked worried. He kneeled down before her and ran his hand over her head, scratching her behind the ear. “I’m okay, sweetheart.” 

 

She tilted her head again as if to say, “Are you sure?”

 

He gave her a little smile with a tiny bit more conviction. “I’m sure.” She seemed to relax a bit and after a moment she put her head back down and he saw her eyes drooping as sleep took over again. 

 

Dean crawled back into bed and picked the journal back up. If he was smart he would put it away. He would burn it. But something in him was pushing him on. So he continued to write. 

 

_ I don’t think I can talk about the demon shit anymore. I wasn’t one for very long anyway. I was so relieved and so damn pissed when I was cured. Never told anyone about the pissed part. It wasn’t because I wanted to be that thing I was. It was because I wanted to be dead. I didn’t deserve to live after what I did. I was a monster. And we put down monsters. _

 

_ But then slowly I started being okay with being alive. Okay with having been spared. And that was confusing as hell. I guess there was something in me that wasn’t ready to let go of this fucked up world.  _

 

_ But the Mark was powerful, even without the Blade, and when I had to kill Cain it almost destroyed me. I still don’t know how I walked down those steps with any semblance of normalcy. Or maybe I didn’t.  _

 

_ I was fighting the urge to hurt people for a long time. A very long time. Especially people who hurt me. Hurt people I loved. And then Charlie died. That was the real straw that broke my back. It was like a fire inside and I didn’t care who burned along with it. The hate I felt was so powerful that I thought it would eat me alive. Maybe it should have. How can I forgive what I did during that time? I almost killed Cas. I almost killed my brother. How can that be forgiven? _

 

_ I don’t know what the next step is. Do I just write, “Dean Winchester, I forgive you.” How the hell does that make sense? It doesn’t.  _

 

Dean lifted the pen from the page and looked around his room. Trying to come to terms with the darkness he had just written and trying to find a next step. Before he even knew it. Before he could even question it. He turned the page on the journal and started writing again. But this time it was a letter. A letter to himself. 

  
  
  
  
  
  



	16. Poison Whiskey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean gives into a bad habit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will probably be a painful chapter to read. Lots of references to drinking. Some thoughts that could be considered kind of suicidal. Lots and lots of angst and self-hatred. I'm sorry. <3

Dean pushed the journal away, letting out a breath he had been holding for too long. His hands were shaking and he could feel the sweat pooling around his collar. Three pages. He had written a three-page letter to himself. Or to a part of himself that had died years ago. Died before Hell, before Purgatory, before that damn Mark. It was like he was a man possessed. He couldn’t have lifted the pen from the page if he wanted to. 

 

He glanced down at the still open journal, his eyes reading the last words over and over and over again until they became a blur;  _ I’m sorry, Dean _ . An apology to himself. What the fuck was that even about? He slammed the journal shut and tossed it onto the bedside table, pulling his knees up to his chest. He glanced down at Lola, a part of him hoping she would be awake. He wanted to see those beautiful eyes looking at him with hope and love. Looking at him like he wasn’t a tattered mess. But instead, she was sleeping, her body rising and falling with each little breath she took in. 

 

Dean glanced at his phone. It would be so easy to pick it up and call Donna. Let the soothing cadence of her voice lull him to sleep, help him to forget all the words he had put to paper. He thought that doing this was supposed to make him feel better. Help him to find some peace, whatever that even was. But instead, he felt like a piece of glass had cut into his flesh, leaving little cuts and scratches everywhere, exposing him to the world and to himself. He had to get out of there.

 

Without thinking, he flew out of bed, grabbed a jacket and rushed down the hall of the bunker. He didn’t even bother checking to see if anyone saw him leave. Didn’t bother saying goodbye. He needed to leave his room and those words in that journal. In that damn letter, he wrote himself. He pulled the door to the garage open and ran to the Impala.

 

Dean was behind the wheel of Baby before he had a chance to question it, the sky pitch black, clouds covering the few stars that were out. It was a little before midnight and the streets were quiet. He pulled into the parking lot twenty minutes later, his hands still shaking, and he swallowed around the guilt that was bubbling up. 

 

He knew that he would end up here. This was where he had been running to for awhile now, but he just hadn’t made the wrong turn. He looked up through the windshield, the neon lights from the bar illuminating his face. Casting shadows on the seat of the car. 

 

It wasn’t too late. He was still sitting behind the steering wheel, one hand on the keys and the other on the door handle. He could just drive away and no one would ever have to know he was here. No one would have to see him fail again. But he could feel that drive in his blood. That urge to drown in a bottle of brown liquid. He slowly turned off the car, opened the door, and made the short walk into the place that used to hold all the answers.

 

His hands shook as he opened the door to the bar, the smell of stale beer and peanuts assaulting his senses. He glanced around briefly, only a few people littered the room. A young couple was playing pool, the woman a little unsteady on her feet as she knocked a shot back. The man holding on to her hips to try and keep her steady. A few grizzled old men sat at the bar, their skin worn from the road, or time, or just life. They were nursing beers and sneaking glances at the couple at the pool table. The sadness of the room overwhelmed him. This used to be his home. His comfort. The only port in the storm. But now it was like a house for broken souls who had nowhere else to go. How the hell had he not seen that before?

 

The soft notes of  _ Laugh, I Nearly Died _ by  _ The Rolling Stones _ , started filtering through the speakers of an old jukebox in the corner. The lyrics seemed to be the soundtrack for all the souls in the room. The men at the bar were tapping their fingers to the rhythm, their faces turned down and their eyes cast off to some place they had left behind. The young couple in the back had started dancing, not really in a rhythm, and they were stumbling, but they clung to each other like they were each other's life preservers. 

 

It was all so sad and Dean knew he should walk out of there. He should call Donna or Sam or Cas, but he also felt like this was where he belonged. After everything he wrote, everything he was feeling, all the lost sleep and horrible nightmares, he deserved this. He needed this to right himself, as wrong as it was. He ran a hand through his hair and made his way to the bar, taking a seat at the other end of the bar from the other guys. The bartender, a young man his twenties who already looked worn down by life, made his way toward Dean. “What can I get ya?” 

 

Dean stared at the wall of liquor behind the man. All the different shades of poison staring back at him, daring him to take a taste. He cleared his throat, “Whiskey. Neat.” The bartender nodded and left to fix his drink. Dean caught his reflection in the glass behind the wall of booze. He looked tired. Scared. The lines beneath his eyes even darker than before. He glanced around the bar again and saw the same reflection in the faces surrounding him. This was where he belonged. The realization of it hit like a tidal wave and he felt himself going under.

 

The bartender appeared before him, placing the drink in front of him. He stared down at it as the bartender gave him the cost. Whatever it was wasn’t even close to what it was going to cost him. Dean silently passed him a ten, telling him to keep the change. 

 

He held the drink in his hands for a couple minutes, just staring at the liquid in the glass. Watching as the lights of the bar reflected off the brown hues of the drink that used to be like water to him. He could’ve stayed at the bunker. Could’ve downed the bottle he still kept in that drawer. But the thought of doing that with Lola in the room, and his brother and best friend down the hall, made him sick. So, he snuck out like a coward. 

 

He held the glass up to his nose, inhaling deeply, letting the woodsy oak scent and the bitter alcohol invade his senses. He closed his eyes and tossed the drink back, the liquid burning as it went down. He coughed and set the empty glass down on the bar.  _ Well _ , he thought,  _ might as well go for broke _ . He motioned for the bartender and he poured him another, this one going down smoother. And before he knew it the two had turned into five and it was too late to call it a little slip. 

 

The bartender cut him off when he slurred his words asking for the seventh and said he was gonna call him a cab. But Dean shook his head, saying he could drive. But when he got up, he nearly fell off the bar stool. One of the older men at the other end of the bar made like he was going to get up and catch him. Dean sat back down, placing his head in his hands. Jesus, when did he become such a lightweight? 

 

The bartender shook his head, letting out a sigh of annoyance and Dean briefly wondered how many times a week he had to do this. “Look, buddy, you can leave your car here and I’ll call you a-”

 

“No. Not leaving my Baby.”

 

He sighed again, “Look, pal, you can’t-”

 

Dean pulled out his phone without even thinking about it. “I’ll call someone.”

 

The bartender shrugged in resignation, but he stood close by, making sure Dean was really going to make that call. The truth was, he had no idea what he was doing. The whiskey had clouded his brain and the one person he wanted to call couldn’t come and pick him up off the floor, nor should she. So instead he had to choose between a brother that would get pissed or a friend that would look at him with pity. He shouldn’t call either of them, he knew this under the alcohol. He should take a cab to some motel. Sleep it off and return to the bunker in the morning, hoping no one would notice he was gone. But Dean’s brain had stopped functioning a long time ago, long before the whiskey took hold, and he pressed the call button, putting the phone to his ear. 

 

Twenty minutes later, Cas walked through the bar, his brow furrowed with concern. Dean was drinking a cup of coffee and he tried for his most casual smile. He failed. “Hey, Cas.”

 

Cas frowned and he saw that pity envelop him. He felt sick. “Dean.”

 

He started to stand up from the bar, his legs a little less shaky. “I know, I know.” He stood, his hip resting against the bar. “They wanted me to call a cab, but I…”

 

Cas just shook his head and Dean thought he saw tears in his eyes and wasn’t that just the worst thing. “Come on, let’s get you home.” Dean nodded silently, trying to will his shame to go away. Trying to let some sort of cockiness save him in this moment. But nothing could. 

 

Cas helped him out to his car, but Dean stopped. “My car?”

 

Cas let out a sigh and Dean felt himself shrink under it. “Dean, your car will be fine.”

 

He wanted to argue with that. Tell him they could just leave Cas’ car there and come back for it in the morning. But he realized how selfish that would sound, so he relented, frowning as he got into the passenger side and watched as they pulled away from the bar, the Impala still in the parking lot. 

 

The drive back to the bunker was quiet and he wanted to ask Cas if he was angry. If he would ever forgive him for fucking up again. But he was too afraid of the answer. He watched as the streetlights passed by through the window and he started to feel sleep threatening to take over. His eyes drifting shut every few seconds. Bits of his nightmare playing at the edge of his mind. Words from his journal, words from that damn letter he wrote, tugging at the corners of his brain. The whiskey did little to drown them out, to numb the pain like he hoped it would. 

 

When they pulled into the driveway, Cas turned to him and said, “I didn’t tell Sam.” Dean didn’t know what to say to that and before he could even say a thank you, Cas turned off the engine and got out of the car, leaving him sitting there.

 

Dean watched as he walked inside, the thank you still stuck in his throat. The door closed behind him and it was just Dean, drunk Dean, sitting in the bunker’s garage. He glanced to the side and caught his reflection in the side view mirror. His eyes were bloodshot and his skin had this weird yellow tint to it. His hair was a mess, sticking out at all ends, and there was a little scratch on his neck, right below his right ear and he had no clue how he got it. He touched it and pulled his finger away, he looked down at the tiny speck of blood on his finger and he started to cry.  

 

* * *

 

He woke up with a pounding headache and cotton mouth. He swallowed around a tongue that felt swollen and when he tried to open his eyes he groaned. He slowly tried to sit up, the room feeling like it was spinning, and hung his head, trying to push back nausea that was rising. 

 

When he was finally able to raise his head up, he glanced over at the nightstand and found a glass of water and two white pills waiting for him. Cas must have left them there and he felt a rush of guilt at that. Dean deserved to be in pain, to be thirsty, to feel like death. But he took the pills and finished off half of the glass of water before slowly getting up. And that was a mistake. The nausea he thought was gone returned with a vengeance and he barely made it to the trash can before puking. 

 

He sat there on the floor, the trash can next to him and the taste of whiskey and vomit in his mouth. He looked down at his legs spread out in front of him and felt like trash. How could he face Cas, Sam, and Beth? How could he ever face Lola again? He glanced up at the bed, glad she hadn’t been there and wondering if she was okay. If she knew how fucked up her dad was. He wanted to cry, but he felt too hollow for that. 

 

He finally pulled himself up off the floor, splashed some cold water on his face, got dressed, and tried to make himself look somewhat presentable. He made his way down the hallway, bracing himself for whatever he would face. He thought he recalled Cas telling him he hadn’t told Sam, but it was all a little foggy. 

 

He turned the corner to the kitchen, the smell of eggs and bacon assaulting his senses. He tried to fight the urge to puke again and swallowed down the bile that was rising in his throat. Sam and Beth were sitting at the kitchen table, two plates of food in front of them. They were laughing at something and they both looked up when he walked in. Neither one stopped smiling, so he suspected that he was in the clear for now. 

 

Beth grinned up at him. “‘Morning sleepy head.”

 

“Mornin’.” He stumbled over to the coffee pot and poured himself a large glass. He walked back over to the kitchen table and sat down with a thud. 

 

Sam let out a little nervous chuckle, and he saw worry in his eyes. “You okay?”

 

“Yeah. Just a long night.” He took a sip of the coffee, letting the warm liquid flow down his throat, to his stomach, covering up nausea that wanted to rise again. 

 

Sam picked at his plate of food. “Nightmare?”

 

Dean glanced at him, then quickly looked away. “No. Just up writing.” It was partially true.

 

Sam smiled so brightly that Dean wanted to cry. He patted him on the shoulder. “That’s great man.”

 

Dean gave him a half-smile. “Thanks.”

 

Sam gestured toward the stove. “There’s some bacon and eggs left if you want any?”

 

Dean grimaced and shook his head. “Not really hungry.”

 

Sam scoffed. “You feelin’ okay?”

 

“Yeah, no. I think I might have a bug or something.” Sam regarded him for a moment, looking him over and Dean felt himself turning away. “Too much late night writing will do that to you.” 

 

He heard the soft click-click of Lola’s claws and saw her run into the kitchen, making a beeline for him. She set her head on his lap and he gave her a soft smile. “Good morning, sweetheart.” Cas walked into the kitchen, sparing a glance at Dean. There was disappointment and anger in his eyes and Dean wanted to look away, but he held his gaze. “Thanks for taking her, Cas.”

 

He nodded and poured himself a cup of coffee. He walked over to Dean and whispered, “I got your car this morning.” He had almost forgotten. He tried to say thanks, tried to give him a smile, but he was already walking out of the kitchen, muttering something about reading a book. Dean looked down at the table, guilt washing over him.

 

Sam leaned over to Dean. “Does he seem weird to you?”

 

He gave him a tight smile. “No weirder than usual.” He sipped his coffee and ran a hand over Lola’s head. 

 

* * *

 

Cas avoided Dean for most of the day. Excusing himself every time he entered the same room as him. Dean hated it, but he deserved it. He had fucked up and had made Cas lie for him. 

 

When he finally got up the courage to try and talk to Cas, try and find a way to apologize, he found him sitting up in bed, watching some documentary. When Dean knocked on his door Cas looked up, frowning, but he motioned for him to come in. He entered, Lola walking behind him, and closed the door. He positioned himself toward the wall, making it easier for him to make a quick getaway, and tried to make his voice as casual as possible. “What you watchin’?”

 

He glanced back at the computer and then looked back at Dean. Disappointment clouded his eyes and Dean struggled to not look away. “Rain in My Heart. It’s about alcoholism.” Well, he deserved that. 

 

“Oh.” He worried his bottom lip. “Look, I’m sorry, Cas.”

 

Cas crossed his arms. “For what?”

 

“For calling you last night. For making you lie.”

 

“Why did you do it, Dean?”

 

He shrugged, running a hand through his hair. “It’s hard to explain.”

 

“Is it because of your nightmares?”

 

His eyes grew big and he felt his heart pounding. “How did you...did Sam tell you?”

 

He shook his head. “I don’t sleep, Dean and I know that you haven’t been sleeping either.”

 

“And you just figured it out from that?”

 

“It’s the energy. I can sense it.”

 

“Oh.” He took a step away from the wall and sat down on the chair in the room. “Yeah, I’ve been having nightmares for awhile now.”

 

“And how long have you been drinking?”

 

“Last night was the first time, I swear.” He scrubbed a hand down his face. “I fucked up. I know that.”

 

Cas flung his legs over the side of the bed so he was facing Dean. “What are the nightmares about?”

 

He clasped his hands together. “The Mark and Donna.” He licked his lips, might as well let it all spill. “I kill Donna in my dream.”

 

“Oh, Dean, I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s okay.”

 

“No, it’s not” He gave him a sad smile that he didn’t think he deserved. “Dean, you shouldn’t have to have those dreams.”

 

“I deserve it, Cas.” Cas cocked his head to the side in a question. “Come on, man. After what I did to you and Sam.”

 

“Dean, that’s forgiven.”

 

He looked down. “Yeah, well maybe it shouldn’t be.” They sat in silence for a few minutes. Neither really knowing what to say. 

 

Cas cleared his throat and Dean looked up at him. “Are you gonna drink again?”

 

“I don’t know.” He saw the sadness that brought to Cas and he felt it in his chest. “I don’t want to. I didn’t want to, but I...I couldn’t take it anymore. The nightmares. The words I wrote.” 

 

“The words you wrote?”

 

_ Shit. _ “I...my therapist wants me to forgive myself. So I was writing about that time and then I...it just got bad and I...I know I shouldn’t have done it.”

 

Cas sighed. “I understand.”

 

“How can you understand?”

 

“You’re in pain.”

 

“No excuse, right?”

 

“I don’t know about that, Dean. I just know that you seem so sad lately, even when you came back from seeing Donna. There was a sadness in your eyes and I knew you weren’t sleeping.”

 

“How can you be so understanding about this?”

 

“Because you called me.”

 

He didn’t quite understand that and he knitted his brow. “What?”

 

“You could’ve sat there. You could’ve run away. But you called me. I know how hard that was for you.”

 

“I’m sorry I burdened you with this.”

 

“I’m glad you called, Dean.”

 

“Thanks.” Cas nodded his head and Dean decided to ask the question he was dreading. “Are you gonna tell Sam?”

 

“Not if you don’t want me to.” He could tell that it was something Cas hated doing and he realized again what a great friend he was. “Are you gonna tell Donna?” 

 

The question took Dean by surprise and he rubbed the back of his neck, trying to soothe the nerves. “I don’t know.”

 

“You should, Dean.”

 

“She’s gonna hate me.”

 

“I don’t hate you. Sam wouldn’t hate you.” He leaned forward. “And she won’t hate you.”

 

“Yeah, maybe.” 

 

“She loves you, Dean.”

 

He felt his lips turning up into a smile at those words. He had heard Donna say it, had even felt it, but he still had doubts sometimes and hearing it coming from someone else made him feel better somehow. “Yeah. I know.”

 

“Then you should tell her.”

 

He nodded. “I’ll try.” He swallowed. “Cas?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I just wanna say that I’m just...I’m sorry I am such a disappointment.” He took a deep breath and looked down at the floor. “I’m sorry you got stuck with rescuing me.” The heaviness of those words filled the room like a lead weight that had dropped on them. 

 

Cas shook his head, his mouth open and his eyes wide as saucers. “Don’t ever say that again, Dean.”

 

Dean looked up at him. “Cas-”

 

He stood up, towering over Dean. “You deserved to be rescued”

 

“I just meant that-”

 

“I know what you meant.” He took a tiny step, and let out a little breath. “You deserved to be rescued and you can never convince me otherwise.” 

 

Dean nodded, holding his hands up. “Okay. I’m sorry I said that.” Cas nodded and sat back down on the bed. Dean fidgeted with the buttons on his shirt. “So, this documentary?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“You think I’m an alcoholic?” He couldn’t meet Cas’ eyes, knowing what he would see there. 

 

“Um-”

  
  


“Because I think you’re right.” 

 

“Dean, it’s an illness.”

 

He couldn’t help but chuckle. “I know. I just kept telling myself that I was quitting for you guys. That it had just become a temporary problem. But tasting it last night...Cas, I want to drink so badly that it hurts.”

 

“Is there anything I can do?”

 

“No, man. Just, thank you.”

 

“You’re welcome, but I think you need to tell Donna and Sam.”

 

“Yeah, I know.” He just didn’t know if he could actually do that. 

 

The tension was still in the room, but he felt it lighten a little bit. He smiled at Cas. “So, do you want to maybe go see a movie in town? Maybe just relax and forget about all this for a minute.”

 

He smiled at him. “I’d like that, Dean.” 

 

“Great.” He felt just a tiny bit of weight lift from him, but he knew that weight was going to come crashing down again soon.

 

* * *

 

He hadn’t talked to Donna in four days. They had exchanged brief texts, but the shame Dean felt over drinking kept them short and brief. He lied and told her he was busy with a case. He hated doing it, but the idea of telling her that he had drowned his sorrows in whiskey and had been fighting the urge to drink every second of every day since was just too much. 

 

Cas hadn’t told Sam yet, but he knew it was hard for him to lie about it. Dean felt guilty about that, but it was bad enough to have one person know and look at him like he was just one step away from the edge. Having a house full of those looks might just be the push he would need to fall into that bottle permanently.

 

Somehow Dean had managed to toss the bottle he’d kept in his room. He poured the liquid down the toilet and nearly cried as he watched it get flushed. But every night he found himself outside of some damn bar, his hands shaking and his mouth watering. He was able to pull himself away, but he didn’t think he would be able to do that for too much longer. 

 

The journal had stayed shut and in his drawer. He wanted to burn it, wanted to burn everything he had written, but he managed to stop himself somehow. 

 

It was time for his fourth remaining session. Time to sit across from someone who had faith in them and try not to shatter that. Lola stayed home. The truth was he was too afraid of where he might end up after the session and he didn’t want to put her in any kind of danger. 

 

They had finished their check-in and Dean was picking at some lint on the hem of his jeans, trying to ignore the little splotch of dried blood just above it. He saw Laura’s eyes glance over at his movements and he instantly stopped, crossing his ankles to cover up the spot of blood. He sat up straight and decided to just go for broke. “I did some more writing.”

 

She smiled and he wanted to scoff at the happiness she got from that. “That’s great. How did it feel?”

 

“I threw up.”

 

She frowned and he saw the worry in her eyes, maybe even some shock. What the hell did she think was gonna happen? She quickly covered it up. “Sometimes we can have a physical reaction to dealing with emotional trauma.”

 

“I threw up because I was disgusted with myself.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“The things I wrote. The things I confessed to.” He shook his head. “It was disgusting.”

 

“I’m sorry. It isn’t always easy to-”

 

“And then I drank.” Her mouth opened in a silent,  _ oh _ and he continued on. “I mean not right after I puked. No. For some fucking reason, I went back to my room and wrote some more. I even wrote a damn letter.”

 

“Who did you write a letter to?”

 

He ignored her. “Those stupid words of forgiveness made me sick. It was all such bullshit. The person in that journal didn’t deserve those words.”

 

“Who was the letter for?”

 

He glared at her but continued to avoid the question. “So I got into Baby and drove to the nearest bar. Downing glasses of whiskey until they cut me off.”

 

“How did you get home?”

 

“Cas.”

 

“Have you drank since then?”

 

“Nope. But I’ve parked outside nearly every bar and liquor store in town.”

 

“So, you want to drink?”

 

He laughed, shaking his head. “What the hell do you think?”

 

“Dean, I understand-”

 

“No, you don’t fucking understand. You don’t have a damn clue.” She sat back a little in her chair and he saw a little shot of fear in her face. It made him feel like shit. “Writing was the worst idea and I told you it was.”

 

“Did you try calling someone when you were writing?”

 

“Seriously? You wanted me to call them and ask them, to what, hold my hand?”

 

“Yes.”

 

He stared at her for a minute, trying to grasp the words she was saying. “It was my shit to deal with and no one deserves to be dragged into that with me.”

 

“So instead you decided to get drunk?”

 

“Yes.” He crossed his arms tightly, shutting himself off instantly. 

 

“Did you tell Donna?”

 

“No. And I’m not going to.”

 

“How about Sam?”

 

“Nope.”

 

“So, Cas is the one who gets to be burdened with this?”

 

The words cut. They stung, but he guessed there was some truth to it. “I don’t want him to, but he does, so…”

 

“And how do you think he feels about that? Being the only one with this secret?”

 

“Probably like shit.” He frowned and that guilt flowed through him. “I’m such a fuck up.”

 

“Dean, you were reliving a trauma and I should’ve given you some tools to deal with what that would bring up. That’s on me.”

 

He felt his chest tightening and the anger he had been feeling towards her started turning back on him. “None of this is on you. It’s not on anyone but me.” 

 

“Well, I think we should work on a way that you can manage this when it comes up again.”

 

“I think I should burn that journal.”

 

“What?”

 

“I never should've bought it. Never should've…” He felt his hands shaking, his stomach tightening, and his blood itching for something else. He couldn’t do this. He wasn’t strong enough. He was just a failure, and he deserved to fall. Without even thinking, he stood up, the urge to leave overwhelming him. “I think I need to cut this session short.”

 

“Dean, why don’t you sit down and we can work on ways you can-”

 

He walked to the door before she could stop him. “I’ll see you next week.” He opened the door and bolted down the hall, taking the stairs instead of the elevator. He took them two at a time and when he made it to the lobby he almost knocked someone over on his way out to the parking lot. 

 

He turned Baby on and peeled out of the parking lot, the car swerving. He drove down the main drag, his breath ragged and his heart pounding in his chest. Everything he had done crashing down around him. Making Cas lie. Lying to Donna. Dreaming about killing her every night for weeks. All of it. All the shit in his head. In his life. And that damn letter forgiving it all. He slammed his hand on the steering wheel. “Fuck!” He wanted to go back. Go back to that hotel room. Back to Stillwater. But it was too late for all that. The words had reminded him who he was. This was who he had become the second that Mark touched his skin and no amount of therapy, or love, was going to change that. 

 

He stopped the car in front of a liquor store, his pulse racing and his hands shaking. This is all he deserved. All he needed. He took a deep breath, put on a fake look of confidence and exited the car. 

 

* * *

 

He sat on the hood of Baby looking out over the lake, the bottle of whiskey unopened in his hands. He stared at the water, the sun shining off the ripples and glistening like jewels. This place was so peaceful. So beautiful. The place Lola loved and here he was to destroy it. 

 

He looked down at the unopened bottle in his hand, turning it over and letting the liquid slosh around. He had been moving towards okay not too long ago. On some other path. He was in love and he had believed that could somehow keep his demons at bay. But those demons were dark bastards and they clung to his heart like unwanted guests. 

 

His phone pinged and he nearly dropped the bottle on the ground. He steadied his hands and pulled out the phone. He wanted to cry when he read the message. 

 

**Donna** :  _ Hey, you. I just wanted to say I miss you and I hope you’re safe. Love U! XXX, Donna. _

 

He shut his eyes tight and set the phone down on the hood of the car. He looked out over the water while he unscrewed the lid of the bottle. He brought it up to his mouth, closing his eyes as his mouth wrapped around the bottle. He stuck his tongue out, tasting just a bit of the whiskey on the lip of the bottle. He threw his head back, letting the liquid pass over his lips, over his tongue, and down his throat. He swallowed and swallowed, till he almost choked. He pulled the bottle away, coughing and licked his lips. The woodsy flavors still there, stuck like glue. 

 

He kept drinking till the bottle was finished. The sun setting and the moon rising. He laid back on the hood of the car, the alcohol flowing through his blood and he closed his eyes, not even noticing when the empty bottle fell to the ground, shattering into a million pieces. 

 

* * *

 

“Hey!” He felt a hand on his shoulder shaking him and a deep voice kind of foggy above him. “Hey, you can’t sleep here!” 

 

Dean slowly opened his eyes and tried to lift his head. He was lying on top of Baby, moonlight shining off the hood and there was a beam of light across his face. He tried to shield his face from it. “You need to leave.” He blinked and tried to look over to his left. He saw the shadow of a figure next to him, a hat on his head. Maybe a cop. 

 

“Where am I?”

 

“Glen Elder State Park.” He huffed. “You need to leave before I call the police.” So, not a cop. He still couldn’t make out his face.

 

“Okay.” He tried to stand and nearly fell off the car.

 

“Shit, you can’t even walk.”

 

Dean stood on shaky legs and gave a crooked smile. “Look. I’m fine. Just trying to wake up.”

 

The guy shined his light on the ground over the broken whiskey bottle. “Did you drink that?”

 

Dean shrugged. “Maybe.”

 

The guy shook his head. “Look, I was supposed to have this gate closed earlier and I could lose my job if...you need to leave.”

 

Dean held up his hands. “I’m going.” He stumbled slightly, but righted himself quickly and got behind the wheel of Baby, trying to get the keys into the ignition.

 

There was a knock on the window. Dean rolled it down. “Don’t forget your phone.” The man tossed it on Dean’s lap and he looked down. There were three missed calls from Cas and a text from Sam. He stared at the screen until the man tapped on his window again, motioning for him to leave.

 

He waved and tossed the phone on the seat next to him, turning the key in the ignition. He tried to focus all his attention on driving. He could feel the alcohol in his blood. The time on his phone had said it was ten thirty. Not enough time to have sobered up and he was definitely not driving in a straight line. 

 

Somehow he made it out of the park without crashing Baby. He turned on to the main road and felt the bile in his throat. He pulled over, opening the driver’s side door and puked. When he was done, he wiped his mouth and leaned back on the seat. He shouldn’t be driving. He knew this. 

 

He sat there for a minute and picked up his phone. He could call Cas. Ask him to pick his sorry ass up again. Or he could call Sam. Deal with the disappointment, the eye rolls, and the scowls. Or he could just keep driving until he found some cliff to drive off of. 

 

He shut his eyes tight, leaning back against the seat. How did he get here again? Why did he always do this? Why couldn’t he just leave them all alone?

 

When he opened his eyes again, he glanced over at his phone, clicked it open and his thumb clicked on the text from Donna. He choked back a sob. He couldn’t call her. Couldn’t ever call her again. 

 

But then his hand betrayed him and pressed the button. Her sweet voice filled the air and he wanted to hang up. Needed to hang up. “Donna?” His words were a little slurred.  _ Hang up the phone. _

 

“Dean? Are you okay?”

 

He swallowed around the bile threatening to come back up again. “I need help.”

 

“Where are you?” He could hear the panic in her voice and he hated himself more than he ever thought possible. 

 

“I don’t know. Near that park or that lake...there was water and I woke up on Baby and I...I’m so fucked up.” He felt the tears trying to break through and he held back a sob. 

 

He heard her let out a soft sigh. “Are you drunk?” He started crying, wishing he could stop. He didn’t deserve to cry.

 

“I’m sorry. I couldn’t...I fucked up. Tell me you hate me. Just hate me, Donna. Please.”

 

“Dean, I could never...I’m gonna call Sam, okay?”

 

“No! You can’t. I…” But his sobs took over.

 

“It’s okay, Dean.” He thought he heard typing. Something she was doing. But he just kept crying. 

 

She stayed on the phone with him. Trying to get him to calm down. He cried, speaking in broken and incoherent sentences. Telling her over and over again to hate him. Begging her to leave him and not look back. He could tell she was trying to hold back her own tears, but somehow she remained calm. Staying on the line with him until he saw the headlights from a car behind him. He knew instantly who was in that car. “You told him?” 

 

“I’m sorry. I had to.”

 

He heard the crunch of the gravel beneath the heavy footsteps and then there was the tap-tap on the window. “I gotta go.”

 

“Dean, I love you.”

 

“Bye, Donna.” He dropped the phone on his lap and rolled down the window. He tried to go for cocky, but his blood shot eyes and his wrinkled shirt betrayed him. “Hey, Sammy.”

 

Sam kneeled down and he saw such sadness in his eyes that it shocked him. “Hi, Dean. I brought Beth with me, okay. I’m gonna drive the Impala back and you can go to sleep on the way or-”

 

“Don’t kick me out.”

 

Sam looked taken aback by that, shocked even. “I’m not gonna kick you out.” He gave him a sad smile and motioned towards the other side of the seat. “Can you scoot over to the passenger side?” Dean nodded and moved over. Sam opened the door, waving to the car behind him, before getting in. “Just try and get some sleep.” Dean looked at his brother for a minute. His profile in shadow and his eyes tired. He was surprised by the lack of anger and maybe even disappointed by it. 

 

He looked out the window, watching the road as they headed back home. He had the sudden urge to open the passenger side door, jump out and just keep running. The urge was so strong that he tucked his hand underneath his legs. 

 

After a few minutes, the urge started to subside and he took off his jacket, placing it under his head. He closed his eyes and let sleep take over.

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been trying to avoid making Dean drink again for quite a few chapters now, but it just seemed unavoidable and not really realistic. Sorry if this was painful. Looking like there will only be two more chapters for this part. Also, soon I will be spending the majority of my writing time working on the thing I'm writing for the Dean Winchester Big Bang. So, just a heads up that updates may be delayed soon. Thanks for reading and hugs to you all.


	17. I Know You. All of You.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean deals with the after math of his phone call to Donna.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't as heavy as you may expect. Thanks, as always, for reading this. :)

Dean woke up in bed, a sheet draped over his bare back. He couldn’t remember getting into bed and he wasn’t sure if he even woke up after falling asleep in the car. His head was pounding and his mouth felt drier than a desert. He felt a cold nose on his back and he blindly reached a hand out to touch Lola’s face. 

 

He slowly turned over, his eyes trying to adjust to the soft light in the room. He blinked a couple of times and looked over and his heart stuttered when he saw Donna sleeping in a chair by his desk. He racked his brain, trying to recall her arriving at the bunker, but the last thing he remembered was telling her goodbye. 

 

Her head was tilted to the side at an angle that he was sure was going to be painful when she woke up. There was a book on her lap and her body was contorted like it was trying to find a way to actually lie down. He had to wake her up. He tried sitting up straighter, but the pain of that one movement shot straight to his head. He rested his head back and cleared his throat. “Donna?” His voice was barely above a whisper and the dryness of his throat made it sound like crackling leaves. 

 

He glanced to the side, relieved to see a plastic glass of water. He reached out, taking the glass in hand and took a quick sip. He had to stop himself from drinking the whole thing, he knew if he did he would probably end up puking it up. The water lubricated his throat a bit, though it was still dry like sandpaper, and he tried once again to wake her. “Donna, sweetheart.” Still no movement. 

 

He tried to get up, but his head started to swirl and his vision blurred. He glanced over at Lola and had an idea. He leaned down to her. “Go wake Donna up.” She cocked her head to the side and regarded him for a minute like she was trying to understand the words. “Go on. Go get Donna.” She looked at him for a moment before glancing in Donna’s direction. “That’s right.” After another second, she jumped off the bed and went over to Donna. 

 

She pushed her hand with her nose and after a moment Donna started stirring, softly petting Lola. After another nudge from the dog, Donna lifted her head up and instantly reached out to touch her neck. “Geez Louise.” She blinked a couple times, sat up straighter, and then sat back a little when she saw Dean. “Hey.”

 

“Hey.” He tried to sit up more and finally was able to rest his back against the back of the bed. “When did you get here?”

 

She sat up a little straighter, setting the book down on the desk. “At like five thirty this morning.” Dean glanced at his phone. It was a little after nine. 

 

“You drove here?”

 

She gave him a sad smile. “I was driving while we were talking.”

 

He didn’t know what to do with that information. “Thank you.” A thank you didn’t seem sufficient enough, but it was all he had at the moment. 

 

“How is your head?”

 

“It hurts. You didn’t have to sleep in the chair.”

 

She frowned. “I didn’t want to disturb you. You were already passed out when I got here and…” SHe trailed off, looking down at the floor.

 

He wanted to lighten things up. Bring the sunny Donna back, even if he didn’t deserve it. He looked down at himself, noticing that he was in boxer shorts and no shirt. “So you didn’t undress me then?” He was trying to go for light, for flirty, but it just came out like he was trying too hard.

 

She looked back up. “I think that was a team effort before I got here.” She tried to smile at him, but he saw the sadness there. The pain and a hint of anger. “Um...Sam, Beth, and Cas got a call about a case. They were getting ready when I got here.” 

 

“Oh.” So they were alone. He wondered if they would’ve all left without a word if Donna hadn’t shown up. 

 

“They said not to worry. They had it covered.” She finally got up, but she still stayed by the chair like she was afraid to get too close to him. “I’ll go get Lola her breakfast. Do you want me to make you anything?”

 

The thought of food made his stomach clench. “No. I’m fine.”

 

“Okay.” She turned to leave.

 

“Donna?” She stopped in the doorway but didn’t turn around. “Thank you for coming.”

 

“You’re welcome.” She left, Lola following behind. Dean lay there, staring straight ahead and wondering if he had lost her. 

 

* * *

 

Dean finally emerged from his room an hour later. He had downed the rest of the water, taken some pain pills, and brushed his teeth. He wandered the empty halls, walking at a slower pace than normal. His whole body ached and not just from the alcohol. He felt like he had gone ten rounds with a demon.

 

He rounded the corner and poked his head into the kitchen. It was empty, but there was a full pot of coffee waiting for him along with a glass of orange juice,  some bacon, and pancakes. There was a note folded in front of the plate of food and he sat down to read it.

 

_ Dean, _

 

_ Please try and eat something. I’m taking Lola for a walk. Needed the fresh air. Be back soon. _

 

_ Love, _

 

_ Donna _

 

It was simple and to the point, but it made him want to cry. Love being there was something he was afraid he had lost, had screwed up somehow. He folded the note up and placed in the pocket of the robe. 

 

Dean heated up the breakfast and poured himself a large cup of coffee. He forced himself to eat one pancake and half the bacon. The grease did help to absorb some of the alcohol that was still sitting in his stomach and he felt a little better once it was finished. He chased the breakfast with the cup of juice in two swallows. 

 

When he was finished he decided to take a shower. He grabbed a pair of jeans and a black t-shirt and headed for the shower. He stood under the hot water, letting it run over every aching muscle in his body. He lathered his body, scrubbing away all the alcohol he felt was seeping through his pores. He scrubbed till his skin was raw.

 

He threw on the jeans and shirt and ran a hand through his wet hair. He looked at his reflection in the mirror and was surprised to see a somewhat normal face looking back at him. 

 

He walked back into the kitchen, but no Donna. He searched the rest of the bunker and didn’t see her. He tried not to let that bother him, tried to remind himself that she was just on a walk. She would return. 

 

He walked into the library and sat down at one of the desks. He tried to read a book, but his head was still not fully healed and the words kept blurring together. He sat in silence, trying to remember everything from the day before. 

 

He remembered leaving Laura’s office. Buying that huge bottle of whiskey. Driving to that park and downing it. Waking up to a flashlight in his face and broken glass on the ground. He had called Donna, that much he knew for sure. He remembered fragments of their conversation. Broken sobs and him begging her to hate him. Piling his shit on top of her again and then the missing  _ I love you _ at the end. God, the fact that she would even look at him seemed like a miracle to him.

 

Then Sam arrived and he was so...he wasn’t angry. He remembered that. Then the rest was blank. He wondered if Cas told Sam about the last time. Wondered if they discussed what this all meant. Wondered if they were really out on a case or if they were just trying to figure out what to do with him. 

 

He heard the bunker door open and Lola’s claws clicking along the floor. He sat up a little straighter, ran a hand through his hair, looked down to make sure he looked presentable and plastered on a smile. 

 

Donna walked up the stairs to the library, her eyes on Lola who was looking over at Dean. She looked up and he saw her jump slightly. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.”

 

“It’s okay.” Lola padded over to Dean, laying her head in his lap. He smiled at her, running a hand over her head. “Did you eat?”

 

“Yeah. Thank you.” 

 

“You’re welcome.” She stood looking at him for a moment like she was trying to decide how safe it was to walk over to him. After a minute she took a seat at the desk next to him and turned her chair to face him. “How are you feeling?”

 

“Better. The food helped.”

 

She smiled. “I’m glad.”

 

He wanted to touch her, hold her, tell her that he was sorry for everything he said. Tell her he just wanted to go back, but she looked like she was unsure of him and he didn’t want to push her. “Donna, about last night and that phone call. I-”

 

She shook her head. “It’s okay. You were drunk.”

 

“No. It’s not okay. I need you to know that-”

 

“Dean, I don’t…” She looked down and he saw that she was crying. “You scared me.”

 

He scooted his chair a little closer to her, but still didn’t touch her, even though he was aching to. “I’m sorry. That was the last thing I wanted to do.”

 

She wiped away her tears and looked up at him. “Do you want to drink?”

 

He swallowed and nodded his head. “The urge is there, it’s almost always there on some level.”

 

“Even when we were in Iowa?”

 

“Yeah. It wasn’t strong though.”

 

“I’m glad you called me.”

 

“You are?”

 

“Of course.”

 

He shook his head, still amazed that this woman would even give him the time of day. “Donna. I need you to know that you coming here, I’ve never...no one has ever...I just can’t believe you’re here.”

 

“Where else would I be?” She tried for a smile and this time it looked more genuine. 

 

“How long are you staying?”

 

“For as long as you need me.”

 

“What about work?”

 

He saw something go across her face and he wanted to ask her more about that, but she quickly covered. “Don’t worry about that.” 

 

A strand of hair had fallen across her face and his fingers itched to put it behind her ear, but he had a distinct feeling that touching her might make her shrink away. “I really am sorry about what I said last night.”

 

“Do you remember it all?”

 

“Little bits and fragments. I know I asked you to hate me.”

 

“I’ve never heard you like that.” She shook her head. “You were so sad and I didn’t know what to do.”

 

“You coming here, listening to me, it’s more than enough.”

 

“Are you mad that I called Sam?”

 

His hand hovered above hers for a minute, before he pulled it away. “No. It was the right thing to do.”

 

“Have you been doing this a lot? Getting drunk, I mean.”

“This was my second time.”

 

“Was it because of me?”

 

“What?”

 

She looked down at hands. “I know you’ve had those nightmares and when you called me you seemed so sad to be talking to me.”

 

“Donna-”

 

She looked up at him and he could tell it was taking all her strength to look at him. “Do I make you sad?”

 

“Donna, no.”

 

“Because if my loving you makes you want to drink then-”

 

“Donna, I...” He scooted an inch closer, their knees now touching, and he was grateful when she didn’t scoot back. “You don’t make me want to drink. You’re one of the few things that keep me from drinking.”

 

“You just kept saying ‘don’t love me’ and crying.”

 

“That’s because I’m scared of hurting you. I’m scared of disappointing you. And I’m scared that being with you is going to destroy you somehow.” She looked up at him, sadness clouding her whole face. “I was sad because I’m so fucked up and you deserve so much better than me.”

 

“Dean, you are not fucked up.”

 

“Yes, I am. But that’s not because of you. It’s all the shit I’ve done and been through.” He held his hands together. “I feel so selfish sometimes.”

 

“Selfish?”

 

“Yeah. I mean look at you. You drove all the way down here to take of a drunken mess like me. I should tell you, when I’m sober, that I’m not worth it. I should set you free.”

 

Her lip was shaking and he could tell she was about to fall apart. “Are you breaking up with me?”

 

There was a giant part of him that wanted to say yes. That wanted to tell her to run and that leaving him would be the best thing she could do. BUt that selfish part of him was winning this. It was always winning. “ No.” He saw her relax a little and he couldn’t help the warmth that brought. “But if you want to break up with me or leave me, I would totally understand. I don’t want to be selfish with you.”

 

“You’re not being selfish. I know who you are, Dean. I always have and I love all of it.”

 

He smiled at her. “You loving me is the one bright spot in my life and I still can’t believe my dumb luck that you actually like me.”

 

She grinned, a little brighter this time. “I liked you since you stuffed that powdered sugar donut in your mouth.”

 

He chuckled. “Donna, can I...can I hug you or just take your hand? You can totally say no if-”

 

She leaned forward, closing that last inch between them, and wrapped her arms around him. “I’m should’ve said I love you back.” He kissed her cheek. “Because I love you, Donna. More than anything.” They held each other. 

 

* * *

 

They held on to each other for what seemed like forever, until finally, the awkward position had both of them needing to stretch a bit. They pulled apart and Dean apologized, placing a soft kiss to her forehead, his hand taking hers and pulling her up. He cupped her face in his hands and rubbed his nose against hers, before placing a quick kiss to her lips. She sighed and kissed him on the cheek. 

 

She pulled back and looked at him. “How are you feeling?”

 

He rubbed her arms. “Better, now that I can touch you.”

 

“You could’ve touched me before.”

 

“I didn’t want to push you.” He glanced down. “And the truth was I was worried you were gonna break up with me."

 

She shook her head. “It’ll take a lot more than a drunken late night phone call to get me to do that.” She places a hand on his cheek, her fingers slowly caressing his skin. “I’m not mad at you. You know that, right?”

 

“It’d be okay if you were.”

 

“Well, I’m not. I’m just sad for you, Dean. I’m just really sad.”

 

He swallowed around the lump in his throat. “I know. I’m sorry.”

 

“You don’t have to be sorry. I just want you to know that you can reach out to me, you know. When you feel yourself falling.”

 

“You mean when I want to reach for that bottle?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I don’t want to burden you.”

 

“You are never a burden.”

 

He smiled sweetly at her and still couldn’t get over his dumb luck that she cared so damn much for him. “How about I make us some lunch?”

 

“I’d like that.” She smiled at him and he gave her a quick kiss, still not wanting to push things too much. He still had this feeling that she was closing a part of her self off from him and he was afraid to push it. 

 

He made them some ham and cheese sandwiches and heated up some frozen french fries they had. It was simple, nothing spectacular, but it was the first meal in days that tasted okay to him. When they finished, they decided to take Lola on another short walk, their hands clasped together. 

 

Donna slowed down some, and they all came to a stop. “I have to tell you something.” 

 

He felt the nervousness creep in and his heart clenched slightly. “Okay.”

 

She looked around, her eyes stopping on a downed tree branch. “Can we sit?”

 

“Yeah. Of course.” They walked over and took a seat, Lola laying down in between them, her nose sniffing the ground. “So, what’s going on?” He tried to keep the nerves from his voice, but he heard the little tremor there. 

 

She took his hand. “I kind of quit my job.”

 

It wasn’t at all what he was expecting to hear. “Really?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“When?”

 

“A few days ago.”

 

“Wow.” He squeezed her hand. “Are you okay? I mean I know you said you were thinking about it, but that was a big part of your life.”

 

“I’m fine.” She smiled at him. “It was time.”

 

“What are you gonna do now?”

 

“Um…I don’t really know.” 

 

“Are you gonna stay in Stillwater?”

 

She shrugged, dropping his hand, and she looked down at the ground. “I love my house and that town is my home, but…” She looked up at him, a look of hope, a question unasked on her lips. He wondered if she was waiting for him to ask her to move into the bunker, or maybe he would move in with her, or they would start out somewhere new. He just didn’t know if that was the right thing to do at the moment, especially with everything else. She looked away. “I’ll just have to see. I have savings and I can still help people with hunting, you know.”

 

He took her hand and she looked at him. “Donna, I love you and I would love to wake up next to you every day, but I’m...I’m afraid that what’s going on with me-”

 

“I know.” She frowned. “I wasn’t expecting you to invite me here or anything, I just...it’s hard to be away from you. Especially when you’re hurting.”

 

“I know.” The sun was setting and there was a chill in the air, he saw her shiver. “Why don’t we go inside?”

 

She gave him a small smile and there was a vulnerability there that he hadn’t seen in awhile. She was scared and he wished he could take that all away. “Okay.” He took her hand and they walked back to the bunker, a sadness in the air that he didn’t know how to get rid of. 

 

* * *

 

When evening rolled around they decided to take a drive into town to pick up a pizza to go, Lola riding along. They sat around the library, watching some old movie, and eating a pizza. It was a little relaxing, but he could tell that she was disappointed by their earlier conversation and on top of that, his urge to drink was rearing its ugly head. His hands shaking and his mouth feeling drier than usual. He drank about ten glasses of water while they watched the movie. 

 

When it was done, Donna turned to him, taking his hand in hers. She looked down at it, noticing the little tremors. “On a scale of one to ten, how bad is it?”

 

He let out a little trembling breath. “About an eight.”

 

“If I wasn’t here would you-” She steadied herself, before continuing. “Would you be drinking?”

 

“Maybe. I don’t know.”

 

“I know you said that urge is always there, but I have to ask, what was it that made you finally drink?”

 

He was waiting for this question, surprised it hadn’t come up right away. “I wrote some more and then I...I wrote a letter to myself.”

 

“You did?” He nodded. “Why did that..was it an angry letter or-”

 

“No. Not at all. I mean the stuff I wrote before the letter was...well, it made me puke.” She frowned and squeezed his hand. “But the letter was so forgiving and apologetic that I just, I don’t know, it was like it broke me.”

 

“Because you were kind to yourself?”

 

He let out a humorless laugh and nodded. “Something like that.”

 

“Dean, I know I say it all the time, but you deserve to be happy. You’re not this horrible monster that you seem to think you are.” 

 

“Donna, you don’t know everything.”

 

“I know a lot. You’ve told me a lot of dark things, Dean.”

 

“Yeah, I know, but..” He glanced away from her and it hit him like a ton of bricks. It was a realization that shocked him, made him want to run to his room, lock the door, and never come out it again. It was a thought that might actually make her leave him, but he knew what he had to do it. She had to know everything.

 

“Dean?”

 

He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and looked back at her. “I need you to wait here for a minute, okay?” She looked nervous and a little unsure, but she nodded. He tried to give her a reassuring smile as he walked away. 

 

He walked down the hall, his heart pounding in his chest, and his hands sweating. He was nervous as hell, but he had to do this. He had to let her know. She deserved to know what she was really getting. 

 

He grabbed what he needed from his room and made his way back out to the library. Donna was sitting at the table, her mouth turned down in a frown. She looked up when she heard him and her eyes paused on his hands, noticing what he was carrying. “I want you to read this.” He walked over to her, sitting down next to her. He set the journal down, the letter he had written about her all those weeks ago, tucked in between some of the pages. “It’s everything. Everything I think and am and feel. And everything I did and felt when I had that thing.”

 

Her eyes were wet and her lip was shaking. “Dean, I can’t read that. It’s your personal-”

 

He held her hand, kissing her knuckles softly. “I need you to. I need you to know everything about me, because if you don’t...I just need you to know what you’re really getting here.”

 

“I know what I’m getting.”

 

“But I want you to know everything because if any of it is too much, I don’t want you to..” He brought her hands up to his mouth and placed another kiss. “I don’t want you to waste any more time, okay?”

 

“But I’m not wasting time.”

 

“I know you feel that way, I do. But I need someone who loves me to know. To really know who I am. Every single part of me, even the stuff I hate.”

 

A few tears were falling down her cheeks and she wiped them away. “Are you sure about this?”

 

“Yes.” 

 

“Okay.” She slowly reached her hand out and took the journal. “Thank you.”

 

“Thank you, Donna.” He leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. He whispered in her ear, “I love you. No matter what, I love you.” He heard her choke back a sob and he leaned back. “I’m gonna try and get some sleep, okay? And you take however long you need with that.” He smiled and stood to leave, she grabbed his hand. He turned toward her.

 

“I love you, Dean Winchester.” He smiled at her and prayed that she still would after all the words had been read. 

 

* * *

 

Sleeping had been nearly impossible. His nerves were frayed thinking about her eyes combing over the words he had written and he almost ran out to her to rip the journal away, tell her he made an awful mistake. 

 

His urge to drink was nearing a fifteen and he was thankful that he had the sense to toss that bottle he kept hidden away. He tried to distract himself with movies, music, cleaning his room, but nothing was getting his mind off of this. He had taken the biggest risk of his life and it would either ensure they were together through everything, or have her running. 

 

Finally, about three hours into trying to outrun his nerves, his eyes grew tired and they shut. And the nightmare was there, but different again. They weren’t at the bunker, they weren’t really anywhere solid, maybe a field somewhere or maybe an ocean, he couldn’t tell. But Donna was with him and he had the Mark and she was smiling at him. Telling him words that he couldn’t quite hear, but he knew were filled with praise. 

 

She was a little bruised and battered, but he didn’t kill her this time. Instead, he simply turned and walked away from her, the Mark still on his arm, the Blade still by his side. 

 

Dean opened his eyes and reached his hand out, but no one was next to him. He slowly sat up and saw Lola curled up at the foot of the bed. He glanced toward the door and remembered. Donna had his journal. Donna had all his secrets. 

 

The nerves returned and the urge to drink was scratching away at his insides. He wanted to go out there and see how she was. See if she had read it all, but he was nervous. Scared of what he might find. 

 

He glanced at his phone and saw it was nearly three in the morning. If she was awake, she must be exhausted. He decided he needed to at least tell her she should get some sleep, apologize for making her read it at night.

 

He threw on the robe he had taken from Iowa, slipped on some slippers, and padded down the hallway. 

 

When he got to the library, it was empty and fear shot through his veins. She had left. She had read what he wrote and left. He looked down at the table, expecting to see the journal there, but it was bare. 

 

He walked toward the kitchen, hoping maybe she would be there, but it was empty as well. He continued roaming the bunker, trying not to be too fearful. Trying to hold onto any shred of hope he had. 

 

He peaked into Cas’ room; empty. Sam and Beth’s; empty. Then he thought he heard a tiny little noise, like someone clearing their throat, and he stopped in front of one of the empty rooms. The room Donna had stayed in before they had gotten together. There was light seeping out from the bottom of the closed door and he took a deep breath as he knocked.

 

He heard the soft timbre of her voice. “Come in.”

 

He slowly opened the door and saw her, lying on top of the covers of the bed. Her hair up, her knees bent and the journal in her lap. She looked up at him and he could tell she had been crying, a lot, her eyes were red and her nose looked sore. “I’m sorry. I just was worried that…”

 

She held out her hand to him, motioning him toward her. He felt a little tremor of nerves rush down his spine and his legs were shaking, but he made the walk to the bed and sat down. “I came in here because I didn’t want to wake you.” He just gave her a little smile, still unsure of what he could say or of how far she had gotten. 

 

He looked down at the journal in her hands and she closed it, reaching out to take his hand. “Did you read it?”

 

“Yes. All of it. Even the folded up letter about the woman of your dreams.”

 

“That was about you.” He grinned, feeling a little shy. 

 

“I figured, but didn’t want to be too cocky.”

 

He chuckled softly and squeezed her hand. “Are you okay?”

 

She set the journal aside and moved closer to him. “Dean, everything in there, it just…” She placed a hand on the side of his face and smiled, her eyes looking like they might have more tears to shed. “I’m sorry you went through the things you did. I’m sorry for all the pain that happened. And I’m sorry that you...that you hate yourself so much. It breaks my heart.” He looked down, and she placed her hand under his chin, gently lifting his face up to look at her. “I don’t want to leave, Dean. I don't want to run. I don't think you’re evil or broken. I love you. I love you more than I did before I read it. Much more.”

 

He blinked. Briefly wondering if maybe he was still dreaming. “You still love me?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Seriously?”

 

She smiled so warmly at him, that he thought he might melt. “With every fiber of my being.”

 

He let out a relieved laugh and pulled her into a hug. “Thank you.” 

 

They pulled apart and she took both of his hands in hers. “And that letter you wrote to yourself?”

 

“Yeah.” He looked down.

 

“It was beautiful, sad, but beautiful.” He looked up at her, still shocked at all the words that were coming out of her mouth. Shocked that she was still looking at him with all the love in the world. 

 

“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Donna.”

 

“So are you.” He shook his head in disbelieve and she just smiled, pulling him in for another hug. 

 

* * *

 

Donna told Dean she was staying at the bunker until he no longer needed her. He didn’t think that day would ever come. She stayed in his room, in his bed, curled up by his side. They would spend late nights talking about nothing and everything. They would take Lola for long walks or for drives in the car. Dean didn’t feel like going to Glen Elder Park would be the right thing to do. It seemed tainted somehow. So they searched for other places to go.

 

He still had the urge to drink and his hands would start shaking at random times and without much control. Donna would find ways to distract him from these urges. They played cards, watched movies, listened to music, read books or made love. He started to worry that he was coming to rely too heavily on her and wondered what he would do when she went back to Stillwater. But for now, he just melted into every moment and cherished them like precious stones. 

 

Cas, Sam, and Beth returned to the bunker four days later. They were exhausted and they had driven straight through from Oregon. They were all concerned about Dean and he could tell that Cas had told them about his previous time. The Angel had bent his head in shame, but Dean told him not to worry about it. He was right to tell them.

 

When they returned, Dean had an overwhelming fear that it would mean Donna would be leaving soon. But she just told them that she was staying as long as Dean needed her to. He still couldn’t believe how lucky he was to have her. 

 

A couple of days after everyone had returned from their hunt, Dean had a therapy session. Donna knew now how he was planning on quitting therapy, but he still hadn’t told everyone else. This would be his third to the last session and he was nervous to face Laura.

 

Donna offered to drive him to therapy, but he wanted to do it on his own, even though the thought of it terrified him. He promised that he would call when he was through or if he ended up in front of a bar. She gave him a quick kiss goodbye and he tried to hang on to the feel of her lips all the way to his appointment. 

 

Laura was waiting for him outside of her office when he arrived. She gave him a sad smile. “I wasn’t sure if you were gonna make it.”

 

It stung, but he understood. “Said I would.”

 

She nodded and showed him into her office. He took a seat and rubbed his damp hands on his jeans. They were shaking slightly and his pulse was a tad faster. “How are you, Dean?”

 

“I’m...I don’t really know.”

 

“How are you feeling right now?”

 

“Nervous. Ashamed.” He glanced around the room, afraid to meet her eyes. He didn’t want to see that shame reflected back. 

 

“Do you want some water?”

 

“Sure.” He watched as she grabbed him a small bottle. He took it and looked at it for a moment, watching as a drop of condensation rolled down the side of the bottle. He opened it and took a quick drink, wiping his mouth as put the lid back on. “Are you mad at me?”

 

He chanced a glance at her and saw her cock her head to the side, a look of confusion on her face. “Why would I be mad at you?”

 

“Because of the way I left last time.”

 

“I’m not mad at you. I’m worried about you.”

 

He nodded. “Me too.”

 

“Did you drink?”

 

He took in a deep breath and when he let it out he shuddered slightly. “Yeah.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Right after I left here last time.”

 

“Oh.” She gave him a sad smile, but she didn’t seem that surprised. “Did you go to a bar?”

 

“No. I drove to a liquor store, got the largest bottle of whiskey they had, and drove out to the park I take Lola to.” He looked down at the bottle of water, his fingers tugging at the edges of the label. “I sullied one of the most peaceful places for her.”

 

“Why do you think you chose to go there?”

 

“Because I’m an asshole.” He shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s peaceful and quiet.”

 

“Did you think it might stop you from drinking?”

 

“No.” And he wished he could’ve changed that answer. “It was like I wanted to be there while I drank. Like the beauty could somehow take away the ugliness of what I did.”

 

“Did you drink the whole bottle?”

 

“Yep. And then I fell asleep on top of my car. Some Ranger or something had to tell me to leave.”

 

“He let you drive?”

 

“Yeah. But I didn’t drive very far. I pulled over and I...I called Donna.”

 

“How did that go?”

 

“Horribly. I mean I know she was glad I called, but I was a mess. Told her not to love me. Told her to hate me.” He frowned. “She thought that she made me sad.”

 

“Did she?”

 

He looked up and shook his head. “No. She’s the only thing that doesn’t make me sad.”

 

“Did you tell her that?”

 

“Pretty much.”

 

“How did you get home?”

 

“She called Sam and he came and got me.”

 

“How did that feel?”

 

“I was scared shitless, but also too drunk to really understand. But I do remember his eyes when he looked at me.” 

 

“What about his eyes?”

 

Dean glanced toward the window. “He looked sad. Just so sad.” He worried his bottom lip. “I asked him if he was gonna kick me out. He actually looked shocked that I asked.”

 

“That must have been a relief.”

 

“Yeah, but it was also weird.” He looked up at her. “It’s like when I came here I thought for sure you’d be pissed, but you weren’t. I just keep expecting everyone to give up on me, leave me like they have before.”

 

“And they haven’t.” He shook his head. “That must be nice, right?”

 

“It is. But it worries me. I know that’s ridiculous, but it does.”

 

“It’s not ridiculous. It makes sense. If you’ve been abandoned by people who said they loved you it can be easy to always wait for that other shoe to drop.”

 

“I wish I could stop waiting for that. I wish I could just relax and quiet those voices without alcohol.”

 

“Have you had a drink since then?”

 

“Nope.” He grinned. “Donna’s here.”

 

“She is?”

 

“Yeah, she actually drove up when I was on the phone with her. Just drove straight through.”

 

“Wow. She really cares about you.”

 

He nodded, believing for the first time that those words were one hundred percent true. “I’ve never had anyone care about me the way she does.” He licked his lips. “Cas, Sam, and Beth left while I was passed out that night. They had a job come up and she stayed there. It was awkward at first.”

 

“What was awkward about it?”

 

“I could tell she was worried and nervous and maybe even a little angry.” He took a sip of water and set the bottle aside. “But we talked and it got better.”

 

“That’s good.”

 

“And then I...I showed her my journal.”

 

Laura’s mouth opened slightly, a look of shock in her eyes. “You let her read it?”

 

“Yep. All of it.”

 

“Wow, that’s...Dean, I’m so proud of you. That takes a lot of courage.” She smiled. “How did it go?”

 

“She cried and told me she loved me more.” He felt his lips tremble, he still couldn’t believe that was what had happened. Still, couldn't believe she wanted to touch him after that. 

 

“I’m happy for you. You opened your entire heart and soul up to her and she loved what she saw.”

 

He swallowed, fighting the tears that wanted to come. “She’s been amazing. I just worry that when she goes I’ll fall apart again.”

 

“When does she leave?”

 

“She said she’d stay as long as I needed. She doesn’t really have any jobs to get to.”

 

“What if she never left?”

 

“You mean if she moved in with me?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I don’t know. She has her own place.”

 

“Maybe you could move there.”

 

“To Stillwater?”

 

“Yeah. Why not?”

 

“Because my home is here and I can’t just leave Cas and Sam hanging like that.”

 

“From what I gather you travel for work, right?” He nodded. “Well, then why can’t your home base be with Donna. She does what you do.”

 

“I don’t know. I think it may be too soon for that.”

 

“Are you scared of living with her?”

 

“Yes and I’m scared of living without her.” He crossed his arms. “I don’t want to end up relying on her so much that I...that I end up using her.”

 

“Do you feel like you’re doing that now?”

 

“No, but it’s a fine line.”

 

“Well, then you just have to set up boundaries. Make sure that she knows that you are there for her too.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Dean, I know that you are still in a lot of pain right now, and I’m guessing by the slight shaking of your hands that you still want to drink, but what you did with Donna is amazing.” 

 

“You’re gonna make me pat myself on the back, aren’t you?”

 

She chuckled. “Maybe.” She grinned. “I just want you to be proud of how far you’ve come, even when it seems like things are falling apart.”

 

“I just wanted someone to see every part of me and still want me. I knew that if I didn’t show her I would always wonder if she would hate me if she knew everything.”

 

“And doesn’t it feel good that she doesn’t?”

 

He sighed and smiled. “Yeah, it really does.”

 

“I’m happy for you, Dean.”

 

“Thanks.” 

 

“So, we only have two sessions after today.”

 

“Yeah, I know.”

 

“You know what I’m gonna say next, right?”

 

“Yeah, my Dad.” 

 

“I would like more time to deal with that, but I think we need to start.”

 

“Can it be next session?”

 

“Yeah.” She made a little note.

 

“And do you think that maybe, I mean I kind of ran out of the last one and I was thinking that maybe. Can that last one not count?”

 

She pretended to consider it for a moment, before smiling at him. “Sure. So three more sessions?”

 

“Three more.” He smiled.

 

When he got back to the bunker Donna was there to greet him. She wrapped her arms around his neck, gave him a kiss, and asked him how he was. It was like coming home. It was comforting, relaxing almost. Maybe he should ask her to move in or maybe moving to Stillwater was the right choice for him. Or maybe both would be too soon. But at that moment it didn’t matter because he had his girl in his arms and she loved him for all his scars. 

  
  
  
  



	18. A Letter To Dean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean reads the letter he wrote to himself.

_ Dear Dean, _

 

_ Um, what do I even say? Jesus, this is fucking weird. Why am I writing a letter to myself? That doesn’t even make sense. But nothing really makes sense anymore. I’m supposed to be forgiving myself. So is that what this letter is about? Forgiving myself? Because I don’t know how to do that.  _

 

_ Okay. A letter to myself. Who am I even writing it to? I guess if I was to really think about it, it would be the me I was before The Mark, before I went to Hell, before mom burned on the ceiling. The me that loved race cars, hugs, and teddy bears. The me that thought my biggest worry was whether or not Santa would bring me that tricycle I wanted. That Dean was betrayed by the world. Betrayed by his father. By himself. So I guess I’m writing this to him. _

 

_ Where to I began this letter? What do I even say to that little boy that is about to get have his whole world shattered? Maybe with something simple. Some things to remember. First of all, remember to tell your mother you love her every chance you get. Hell, tell everyone you know you love them as much as possible, no matter how scary that becomes. And those hugs you love so much? Never stop loving them. Human touch is a precious commodity and it is rare to receive pure affection from anyone. So savor those moments.  _

 

_ You are about to get stuck with a broken father who will try his best, but he will fail along the way. He’ll try and teach you how to survive in this world, but he will forget to teach you to be a kid. He will turn you into his soldier. Into Sam’s guardian. But try and remember that it is not your fault. It is not your job to save your father or raise your brother. Try and remember yourself. Because I sure didn’t back then. _

 

_ But I guess all of this is just a whole lot of too little, too late. If I could go back in time and tell you this, I would hop in that time machine right now. I would tell you not to sell your soul, even if it meant the worst thing in the world. God, I hate writing that to you. I hate telling you to not give everything to your brother because that’s what we do. That’s who we are. We are our brother’s keeper and not much more. But it was that deal that really unraveled everything even more than you could possibly imagine.  _

 

_ Or maybe I wouldn’t get in that time machine and stop that deal because Sam also deserves to live. He deserves the happiness he has right now. Beth is perfect for him. His better half. I want them to get married. I want them to have children. I want them to run away together. I really do. I never thought I would want that, but maybe that’s you. Maybe that’s the Dean I was before the whole world went to shit.  _

 

_ I did bad things. We did bad things. I took too many risks and not enough at the same time. I never once questioned sacrificing myself. Not once. How could I? I’m a soldier. That’s what my soul is. What my heart is. But I have started realizing that we have so much more than that. Jesus, maybe that’s why I’m so damn pissed at myself lately. Well, more so than I usually am.  _

 

_ We do fall in love though. Madly and deeply in love and not just once. The first time was hard. It was the first time you really put yourself out there since your mom died. It was the first time we really let someone else hold our heart in their hands with all the knowledge of the world, but it got crushed. It wasn’t Cassie’s fault. Who would ever believe the crazy life we lead. But it hurt. It made us not want to travel that road again. _

 

_ Yeah, we loved Lisa, but not in that same way. We never told her how we continued to search for Sam even when we told her we had let him go. Man, another thing I would tell you is to not lie to people. Don’t keep secrets from them, even when you think you’re doing it to protect them. It only leads to trouble and loneliness. And you have enough loneliness in your life as it is.  _

 

_ Now, I want to tell you about the amazing woman you’ll meet when you are at the start of the darkest stretch of your life. Darker than any torture in Hell. Her name is Donna and she is your sunshine. She is your light that’s trying to lead you out of this darkness. And no matter how hard you try and push her away, don’t. Just don’t. Just remember that she loves you. She sees your scars. She knows your story or most of it, and she still looks at you like you are the most beautiful being on this planet. Hang on to that, because Hunters don’t get that. This is where your luck is. This is where your future is.  _

 

_ The darkness that you have in your life and your soul, can’t entirely be erased. We know that now. Every nightmare. Every time you remember that time when you bared that Mark, held that Blade, felt it cut into flesh, that darkness is trying to reach out. I don’t know how to put it away. I am told forgiveness, but I don’t know how to do that. How do I ask for that forgiveness? Could I really look at the Dean that loved hugs and tell him what I did and expect forgiveness? Expect a hug in return? Would you grant that to the grown-up you? _

 

_ But here’s a truth that no one else knows but us. I need that. I need that hug. I need that forgiveness. I need to know that I didn’t completely destroy that part of me that believed in goodness. That believed in hope and humanity. I have to believe that there is more to this life than blood and death. I have to or I don’t know how I can survive.  _

 

_ When I was that dark person I didn’t care about humanity or anything but myself. And it was so damn freeing that it scared me. And I’m so sorry for that. I’m so sorry I let us go down that path. I’m so sorry that I forgot the empathy that has occupied half my heart for so long.  _

 

_ You’re going to start to go to therapy. That will be the kicker of it all. Therapy. You’ll fight it constantly. But here’s the thing, it’s a gift. It’s the greatest gift you have given yourself. You are being cared for. And if it wasn’t for that therapy, you wouldn’t have Donna. You wouldn’t be alive. You wouldn’t be writing this. You wouldn’t be entertaining the idea of forgiving yourself.  _

 

_ There’s that word again; forgiveness. What would that look like? Maybe I should try it? I forgive you, Dean. I forgive the darkness in my soul.  _

 

_ Nope. I can’t. I don’t know how to do this. I just know that deep down we are not that evil person we were. We are not that person that got off on killing. That person that allowed himself to torture those souls years ago. We are not that person that took on a curse that nearly destroyed everything. We are not that person. I need you to remind me of that. I need that child inside to tell me that I’m okay. That I’m still a good person. I need to hear it and believe it. I need to feel it and I don’t know how.  _

 

_ We do good. I have to try and remember that. We’ve saved people. A lot of people. We saved the world. We did that. We believed people when no one else would. We rescued them. We led them out of the darkness. Now we just have to do that for ourselves. _

 

_ I would tell you not to hurt yourself. Not to take those chances that you know will lead to physical pain because you can’t take the emotional heartache. I would tell you that you deserve to live, as hard as that is to write. Because you’re gonna save a dog soon. Yeah, a dog. May not seem like much compared to all the people you’ve saved, but trust me, this dog is special. Lola is her name and you won’t change it. She sees lightness in you and that is a blessing. You need to see yourself the way she does. That’s how you can find that forgiveness.  _

 

_ Maybe I should be writing this to Lola too. Maybe I should tell her I’m sorry. Maybe I should ask her for forgiveness. I guarantee she would give it without a second thought. That’s who she is. She is pure. She is love.  _

 

_ Yes, you’ve been dark and even evil. But remember that light. Remember that you are in love with someone who loves you. And you deserve that love. Try and remember that. I’m sorry I let us forget it so often.  _

 

_ I need you to know that you are smart. That you are funny. That you are not just a grunt. You are not just a soldier. You are not just your dad’s son. You are a good person. You are a hero. But you are more than that. You are a flawed human being. Just remember you are human and forgive yourself when you make human mistakes. Scars tell a story and the story may be dark, but it is your story and it is incredible. Your life is amazing, even when it seems bleak.  _

 

_ So, please forgive me. Forgive me for being weak when I needed to be strong. Forgive me for being strong when I needed to ask for help. Forgive me for giving in to fear. Forgive me for forgetting myself. For forgetting you.  Because I need to I forgive myself for letting that darkness take hold. _

 

_ And I’m sorry that I forgot who I was. I’m sorry that I forgot that I deserved love. I’m sorry that I forgot to grant myself forgiveness. I’m sorry, Dean. I’m so sorry. I’ll try and do better.  _

 

_ -Dean _

 

* * *

 

Dean closed the journal, holding it up to his chest, letting the words wash over him. Donna had finally convinced him to take a look at it. To really read the words. He had been hesitant to do it, afraid that reading the words would make him want to drink. That it would make all his fear and all his nightmares come running back. Instead, it just made him cry. Cry for that innocent young child he had once been. Cry for all the pain he had endured and all the pain he had caused. Cry for all the time he had lost. 

 

He took in a deep breath and glanced to his left. Donna was asleep on her side, her shoulder gently rising with every soft breath she took in. She still hadn’t gone back to Stillwater. She still spent every night with him and he was beginning to dread the day when she would. Maybe she could stay forever? Maybe he could go with her? That’s what his words to himself were about, right? Taking in that happiness and letting the pain go. 

 

Dean looked down at the end of the bed, Lola’s head was laying in between his and Donna’s feet. She had a smile on her sleeping face and he couldn’t remember ever seeing her look so peaceful. How would she be able to handle Donna leaving? Would that break her in two? He didn’t want to think about that. 

 

He opened up the dresser drawer and placed the journal inside, shutting it quietly. He tossed back the blanket and quietly walked out of the room, down the hall, and to the bathroom. 

 

Dean went through his bedtime routine of washing his face, brushing his teeth and even flossing. He leaned over the sink, studying his reflection. This was a habit he had, he realized now. Looking at the lines in his face to see where his heart was at. To see what darkness might be lurking under the surface. 

 

He looked tired, but he also looked a little lighter. A little less burdened. His eyes were red from crying, but it was almost like he had cleansed himself somehow. Maybe even some kind of baptism. 

 

He used the word forgiveness more than once in that letter. He had used it as a verb, as an action, he could take. 

 

Dean cleared his throat, placed his hands on the side of the sink and looked into his own reflection. “I forgive you.” He shook his head and looked down for a moment, taking in a deep breath, his hands holding onto the sink a little tighter. After a second, he looked back up and said it again. “I forgive you.” He swallowed. “I forgive you for everything you did when you had The Mark. ” He pursed his lips, looked up to the ceiling, counted to three in his head, and looked back at his reflection. “I forgive you for not forgiving yourself.” He blinked, a tear falling down his cheek. 

 

Dean stood in front of the mirror for a few more seconds before finally making his way back to his room. He stood in the doorway for a second, looking at Lola and Donna sleeping so peaceful. His two girls. His peace. His light and love. 

 

He glanced down at his hands. They were shaking slightly and that urge to drink was itching to rise to the surface. But he could fight it. He knew he could. All he had to do was look over at that bed and see that hope that lay there. All he had to do was believe that he deserved it. And he was trying to. He really was. But it was hard. He would just need to practice. 

 

Dean made his way over to the bed, pulling back the covers. He crawled inside, turning off the bedside lamp, and turned over on his side. He watched Donna breathing in and out. Watching every rise and fall, letting it calm his mind. Letting it bring him back to the present. Letting it calm his shaky mind. 

 

His hands were still shaking slightly when he placed his arm on her side. He tried to let all of her light run down into them. The shaking got slightly better, turning down to a slight tremor. He snuggled closer to her, nuzzled her cheek, placed a soft kiss on her neck, and whispered, “I love you.” He saw the edges of her mouth curl up into a soft smile and a soft sigh escaped her lips. 

 

He placed another kiss on her cheek and let his eyes shut. Let sleep take over. And it was a peaceful sleep. A sleep without a single drop of blood. A sleep without fear. A sleep without The Mark. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys like the way I ended this part of Dean's journey. There will be one more part of this story and I am hoping to post the first chapter within the next two weeks. Thank you to everyone who has followed this story so far. Thank you for all of the comments and kudos. It means the world to me. Hugs. <3


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